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[ENFJ] ENFJs I have figured you out.

Arclight

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Teenagers generally don't approach relationships with tender loving care.

That comment was actually in reference to my more recent relationships.
I take much responsibility for them ending, and my partners also blame me.
So when do they take some responsibility?

For example, my ex wife would harp on and on about being honest and how important it was.. yet she hid something from me for weeks, something so very important to the point of life and death..literally! Then expected me to just accept her reasons. Her lies were always justified.
Yet I was the devil and my motivations were always inpure if I fibbed about my mood.:shrug:
 

nynesneg

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Oct 18, 2009
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357
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3w2
Arclight... I completely relate to much of what you said. Thank you for sticking up for your honest perspective buddy.

Is it so wrong to be naturally charismatic?

That doesn't make us better than anyone else... everyone is good at something, wether it's focusing on completing one particular project, or organizing a party. And I will add, just cause supposedly "everybody likes you", doesn't mean people show up to your parties or are dependable when you need them.

I live my life in the best 'real' way I know how, and while I am outgoing in public settings, I tend to withdraw from those who are friendly back outside of those settings - as to not give them the wrong message. Or I just explain to them outright that this is how I am - to not take it personally. This was particularly brought out in my latin dancing class this summer, as I am a very expressive person. Love salsa.

On the flip side, while I may get positive feedback from people (although I assume everyone gets this)... inwardly I blunder to bridge the gap between my feelings and highly categorized inner world, when drawn in intimate relations. Externally touchy feely (Fe), yet internal extremely organized and analyze the hell out of things (Ti+Ni), so sometimes I struggle to listen to my own personal true feelings and act on them.
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
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Apr 22, 2008
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INTJ
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ENFJs make me tired all over!

Me too. Can you make homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast this morning turned into cinnamon rolls and eggs and bacon and fruit salad. I'm ready for a nap.

Fortunately ENFJ's are excellent dish washers/kitchen cleaners.
 

toast

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Though I think this whole thread reads as way to defensive against the OP, I'm just gonna say I think the original point to all this was that ENFJs avoid the confrontation of having to 'put straight' the nature of the affection the other person senses in the ENFJs expulsive emoting (which others seem to think is always intentional charming/flirting). I completely agree with that whole scenario being a pattern with ENFJs and I think there's a very good reason for it... I have never ever had that kind of 'talk' and felt it was successful.

ENFJ = too intense more often than not in confrontation. I don't know why everyone thinks ENFJs just avoid confrontation because we all like to "get along" - it's much more complicated than that with me. Either I'm too gentle about my approach and I come off sounding uncertain of my feelings when I'm just trying to let someone down 'easy', OR I completely piss them off / hurt them by some magical formula of words and nonverbal cues that makes me look like a soulless ice queen. That's not even going into the emotional roller coaster that an ENFJ can express (adoration to apathy in a second) depending on the health or maturity of the ENFJ. That's pretty much one of the biggest issues of control we have - I know I don't like realizing I've done it, and I usually don't intend to.

I agree with OrangeApplied.

I disagree with the way the thread reads - it's clearly venting & looking for some outside perspective. To call someone out & hold them accountable for their actions is not "victim-hood" anyway. It's quite the opposite - it's the first step to "empowerment".
 

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
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So the ENFJ contacted me again the other day. He did his usually prying/trying to help gig to which I was very short and withdrawn in my replies. Despite that we talked for awhile until I cut him off. He seemed rather grateful to talk with me...whatever.

I overheard him later telling someone that he loves flirting and it is like a drug to him and even when in a relationship he has to flirt with women. I was a little surprised by that...I don't know why though. He always has a collection of women on supply to swoon over him on command. Makes me think perhaps I've been one of them. Our conversations don't qualify as flirting in my mind though. They're rather serious and therapeutic. This gives me some closure though. Having certain ideals about people being squashed does that.
 

ExAstrisSpes

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I am nice to everyone when I first meet them; I guess some people construe that as flirting. But watching men swoon over me for no reason does nothing for me. It's kind of disturbing actually and makes me want to run the other way.

Just one fellow's undying devotion for me, please. Preferably if I get to choose and he chooses me back.
 

Sparrow

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So the ENFJ contacted me again the other day. He did his usually prying/trying to help gig to which I was very short and withdrawn in my replies. Despite that we talked for awhile until I cut him off. He seemed rather grateful to talk with me...whatever.

I overheard him later telling someone that he loves flirting and it is like a drug to him and even when in a relationship he has to flirt with women. I was a little surprised by that...I don't know why though. He always has a collection of women on supply to swoon over him on command. Makes me think perhaps I've been one of them. Our conversations don't qualify as flirting in my mind though. They're rather serious and therapeutic. This gives me some closure though. Having certain ideals about people being squashed does that.

What an A$$hole! He gives ENFJ's a bad name...but then again he might just be a man-whore?
 

Sparrow

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I am nice to everyone when I first meet them; I guess some people construe that as flirting.

Me two, I hate when other peeps get the wrong idea- especially my boyfriend, IM NOT FLIRTING!!! :steam:
 

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
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What an A$$hole! He gives ENFJ's a bad name...but then again he might just be a man-whore?


Not even. He's rather selective. Very much a bachelor type. Never really committing, but not apparently sleeping around either. Perhaps flirting is his way of getting female attention without having to seriously pursue it. He doesn't make sense.

Perhaps that is what draws me to him; his contradictions. Nothing turns me off more than the obvious. Then again eternal enigmas are $#@%ing annoying as hell.
 

You

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entp
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Not even. He's rather selective. Very much a bachelor type. Never really committing, but not apparently sleeping around either. Perhaps flirting is his way of getting female attention without having to seriously pursue it. He doesn't make sense.

Perhaps that is what draws me to him; his contradictions. Nothing turns me off more than the obvious. Then again eternal enigmas are $#@%ing annoying as hell.

;)
 

Lily flower

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Perhaps flirting is his way of getting female attention without having to seriously pursue it.

I think you've hit the core issue right there. He doesn't make sense to you, because you probably wouldn't do something like that yourself.
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
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Aug 2, 2008
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sp/sx
So the ENFJ contacted me again the other day. He did his usually prying/trying to help gig to which I was very short and withdrawn in my replies. Despite that we talked for awhile until I cut him off. He seemed rather grateful to talk with me...whatever.

I overheard him later telling someone that he loves flirting and it is like a drug to him and even when in a relationship he has to flirt with women. I was a little surprised by that...I don't know why though. He always has a collection of women on supply to swoon over him on command. Makes me think perhaps I've been one of them. Our conversations don't qualify as flirting in my mind though. They're rather serious and therapeutic. This gives me some closure though. Having certain ideals about people being squashed does that.

I definitely have heard of a couple of ENFJ males being like this. They usually have the attitude that the flirting with everyone and false push/pulling is simply a part of who they are, and that women have to accept that part of them if they want to be in their lives.

I'm glad to see you taking control over this, though. :)
 

Arclight

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When thread titles go wrong :)

14 pages now.. and you still don't have ENFJs figured out..

Just saying ;)
 
G

Glycerine

Guest
LOL, it is a two way freaking street but even still that guy kinda sounds lame-o. I am really curious about the other side of the story.... if it's actually the truth or if you might be just projecting your insecurities onto him (or maybe both). You might be right or you might have misinterpreted it... we don't know. I know that for me when I "overhear" people, I have a tendency to misconstrue what they say if I am not aware of the complete context.....

Also what's his definition of "flirting"?

I am not necessarily on his side but it seems like you have drawn an overly negative and biased picture of him (trust me, I can be guilty of that too). It's almost like you are looking for "evidence" to validate your already formed thoughts of this situation without trying to find the real root of the problem and a solution (which pretty much everyone is guilty of... in general and not necessarily in the context of this thread).

I agree with arclight's last post.
 

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
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And the Shenanigans Ensue....

The ENFJ and I had a long conversation about our bipolar courtship and he has apologized in a rather earnest manner and asked for a chance to take me out and win me over. He's flying out to see me since I moved awhile ago. If he brings me flowers I may proceed to fall back in la la with him. I am a sucker for plucked plants...and ENFJs I guess.:doh:
 

Sparrow

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Awe <3 Hope everything works out for you me lady, keep us posted :)!
 

ExAstrisSpes

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The ENFJ and I had a long conversation about our bipolar courtship and he has apologized in a rather earnest manner and asked for a chance to take me out and win me over. He's flying out to see me since I moved awhile ago. If he brings me flowers I may proceed to fall back in la la with him. I am a sucker for plucked plants...and ENFJs I guess.:doh:

Hmm. Good luck, but I honestly believe his behavior is not indicative of ENFJs, but of douchbags. I could be wrong however.

When I like someone, I really like that person. I have eyes for no other person. I don't play games and I don't toy with other people's emotions.
 

Arclight

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Hmm. Good luck, but I honestly believe his behavior is not indicative of ENFJs, but of douchbags. I could be wrong however.

When I like someone, I really like that person. I have eyes for no other person. I don't play games and I don't toy with other people's emotions.

A young ENFJ male.. could very easily get caught up in his own "desirability"
if he is just discovering for the 1st time how charming he actually is. Testosterone almost guarantees it. What he hasn't yet learned is how to be responsible about it. Like drinking.. He knows it feels good, so he does it.
It's addictive. Ahh but we all know once you cross the line it's all down hill.. Have one drink too many and that euphoria turns into a nightmare..Plus the hangover can last for days..

Our friend could just be a young ENFJ male, who has not yet been broken.. But he will be broken.. Someone, someday will beat him at his own game and then he will learn responsibility. He will learn that getting a buzz is not the same as getting pissed drunk and then he will hopefully, drink love responsibly.

It's possible I speak from experience.
 
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