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[INFJ] Dear INFJs

burymecloser

Member
Joined
Jan 31, 2010
Messages
516
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
6w5
Dear INFJs,

Your community here is consistently considerate and generous with its time, and I wonder if some of you would be willing to tackle a few questions, as many or as few as you like. Any insight you can offer would be appreciated.

∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Thanks for any help you can offer.
 

InTheFlesh

New member
Joined
Jun 9, 2010
Messages
276
Enneagram
CFV
1.Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

Yes, I'm insanely passive-agressive:shrug:
Well, it depends. If I feel that they're really interested in helping me, than I will. I have to pick up a vibe that you really care to know before I will.


2.If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

If I think I offended someone or they're upset with me I normally give it a day or two without talking to them, and if they don't contact me within that time, I'll try to ask them what's up or what I can do to fix whatever problem is there. I tend to make problems out of everything, I assume everyone is as sensitive as I am and I'm always scared I offended or hurt someone.

3.If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

Well, I've only done that in a few occasions but when I have it's usually because they hurt me and never even realized it, or didn't bother to talk to me about it, and I couldn't move past it without the closure. I only avoid them if I think I'm important enough to them, and in avoiding them I'm passive-aggressively trying to hurt them like they hurt me.
It's a horrible way to go about the situation, I know:(


4.Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?


It doesn't bother me at all if people are clingy and personal, I actually prefer it if I really care about them:)
It's really painful for me if someone I feel really close to is detached, it makes me feel alone and like my emotions are for nothing. It makes me feel like I should just give up with them.

5.If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Directly ask them if you hurt them. They might be hesitant to tell you at first, but keep at it and insist you're really sorry and you miss your friendship, if it's designated in any way. Just open up emotionally to them, and they will do the same back. I would anyways.


I really hope I could help. Please keep me updated on how the situation plays out.
I know, I'm nosy:tongue:
 
P

Phantonym

Guest
Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

Probably. Sometimes. If it's not something all that important and there's a chance that it won't happen again, I probably wouldn't tell them. But it also depends on the reason why I am upset with them. I guess things can pile up that way, so if it is really important to me or I can see how it would have a very negative effect on our relationship, I would tell them. Sometimes I lay things out in the open just to clear the air because for me things come to a point where I think that they really should be addressed and it's not really fair to me or to them to keep on going like this.

If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

Initially I take a step back and observe whether what I pick up is correct or not. If I really do sense that there's some definite tension between us and it starts to bother me I will initiate contact because it's not fun being like that. But usually I just wait for the other party to speak up if something seems to be troubling them. I probably try to encourage them a bit, give them a chance to open up on their own time. I really try not to assume too much, I sleep better that way, but I guess I worry a bit too much about everything. :laugh: I just hope that if there is a problem and something is bothering the other person/persons, they respect me and themselves enough to address the issues rather than let them fester and become worse.

If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

I guess if they did something that shows complete lack of respect towards me and our relationship or somebody else and they show no remorse or willingness to amend things, our relationship would probably fade away. Things would never be the same. It wouldn't be all that abrupt, though. There is the infamous "doorslam", but it won't definitely happen abruptly, there should be signs of it coming this way, for sure. I guess the problem is that these signs might solely be markers for the INFJ and not for the other parties, which makes it seem abrupt.

Sometimes time just flies by without anything being wrong, but there's so much to distract me so that seeking contact with anybody doesn't even cross my mind. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to keep on corresponding with someone the way it used to be. In either cases, it's definitely nothing personal.

Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

Oh, tough one. I'd rather not deal with either of them on a regular basis. Sooner or later problems emerge in both cases, so the relationship dynamic is not balanced and that's not fun at all.

If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Honesty and openness, showing that they really are willing to make amends. Don't try to make amends just for the sake of making amends, if that makes sense.

Thanks for any help you can offer.

You're welcome. :) I hope this helps in some way.
 

Edasich

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2007
Messages
192
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4w5
I'm told I become passive aggressive when I'm upset, yup.
 

sciski

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Jan 7, 2008
Messages
467
MBTI Type
NSFW
Enneagram
6w7
First, forgive me if my replies are brusque... it's late here, I'm overtired, yet your questions caught my eye so I would like to respond. :)

∙Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

Yes I am passive-aggressive. A lot of it stems from trying to be nice while keeping my aggression under leash. The incongruity makes me leak out aggression in underhanded ways. I prefer to be polite to people even if I dislike them, but sometimes the dislike rears up in a barely controllable manner.

As for the second question, I normally wouldn't confront someone who's hurt me because I would have rationalised away any justification for my upset. I'm awfully good at invalidating myself for the benefit of 'keeping the peace'. However, I've recently been learning to recognise my own feelings, validate them, and assert my rights. Life has improved as a result. I highly recommend it to other NFJs. :)

∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

For the occasions when I have felt something very wrong, I have tended to wait and ride it out to see if I'm just being paranoid and/or the situation resolves itself.

Due to my recent focus on assertiveness training, I now confront the person (through email of course ;) ). I feel like a right fool for doing so too. :)

I do often get the response that there's nothing wrong, but sometimes my spidey sense (and their subsequent behaviour) tells me differently--and at that stage, I figure the onus was on them to tell me the truth. If they choose not to tell me the truth, then that's their issue and I will play by their rules (probably part of my passive aggression :doh:).

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

Forgetfulness. Busyness. If it was for these reasons, I would contact them after a while with sincere apologies.

It might also be that the person doesn't seem to have any genuine interest in the correspondence. Though generally in these cases, I would try to close off the conversation to let them know that we're still on friendly terms.

Otherwise, the reason is the well-documented doorslam. But they'd have had to be a deliberate jerk to me for an extended length of time before I'd engage this tactic... I also give many warnings long before the doorslam. Having read up on the doorslam thread, I think my warnings may be too subtle though.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

For a friend-level of relationship, clingy and personal bothers me. I'd rather have more space than less.

For a relationship-level of relationship, detached and indifferent bothers me.

But that's just a general answer... my answers could be different depending on the context.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

If it was really an accident, then just a sincere apology is fine. To make amends, just don't do it again. The worst thing to do is to shrug or laugh it off as if I'm crazy or somehow wrong/stupid for being upset.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
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INFJ
If I'm upset with anyone, I probably would want to know that they want to know what I'm upset about (particularly if they were close to me) before I'd want to volunteer it. If they can't even tell there's something wrong, I probably won't say anything. Strangely enough, if I don't care about the person, I would find it much easier to be straight with them.

I assume people are upset with me more often than they actually are. I usually would ask, but if I felt we weren't close enough anymore, I may not want to intrude, even though I'd feel the distance.

Many reasons could be responsible for abruptly stopping correspondance - wanting to do such a comprehensive and good job that it starts seeming like an insurmountable task. If someone does something irrefutable that really makes me rethink everything I know about them, I may quit corresponding at least till I figure out my feelings. Sometimes it's that writing them requires some emotional energy, which I don't have at the moment (that's been true even for some of my better friends on here when I don't write them for awhile). Sometimes there's just lots making life busy right then and suddenly one day I get a craving for that person and decide to make time to write. I may not write an ex if I haven't heard from them for awhile and think they may be dating someone else or if they haven't answered the last thing I wrote or if I feel like the investment is too one-sided.

Without a doubt, detached and impersonal is the biggest problem. I need to be reassured that I am welcome and wanted. Particularly if we have had a problem in the past, I need someone to make overtures towards me to be sure that I won't be making a fool of myself to go ahead and write. I also would add that what T types see as over the top is actually quite faint and understated to F types. If you want to get an INFJ's attention, she really needs to know that you still care about her and want contact with her.

If someone did something accidentally to upset me, I think an acknowledgement that it happened and evidence that you have put some thought into why it happened and that you felt badly that it did would be good. INFJs deal better if they understand your thought process and motivations (they hate emotional surprises). They are pretty good at putting themselves in other people's shoes. Talking more rather than less would be good. Keep in mind that most interactions we have are based on the LAST interaction we had with you, not the present one. We have delayed processing time where we seek out more information AFTER we have thought the last interaction over. You have to actually really care that your actions affected them that way, rather than just wanting the problem to be over. They care about whether you really see that. I would also make sure that any other frustrations are out on the table. They really don't like crying in front of people or seeming picky about little things, but those things can kind of become a problem if they are allowed to linger. The fact that you are interested and actually want to know (and are persistent) will make the INFJ trust you more. Anyone that I can tell what they did wrong to me and we actually talk it out and make it through the conflict will be closer to me than ever. That's the kind of person who is in my inner circle.
 

Lux

Kraken down on piracy
Joined
Aug 6, 2009
Messages
1,458
Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?


I am not passive-aggressive, I feel like it is a waste of time, maybe when I was when I was younger.. I don't remember it, but that really means nothing... Now I would prefer to get to the bottom of things and to do that I need the cooperation of the other person, so passive-aggressiveness is really a detriment to that... So it really just wastes time and energy that could be better spent, like on resolving the issue.

If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?


I would at first try to go through my thoughts and the past interactions with a fine toothed comb to see if anything I said could have been misconstrued, if I find something I address it as soon as I can. If I don't I usually go for a walk to see if I still feel the same as I did when I left... If I still feel something is amiss, I bring it up. I usually bring it up in a nonchalant way because I know that my NiTi loop can be ... well.. lets just say that the world ends and all the main characters die a terrible death.. :laugh: So since I know I have this tendency, I am careful to not overwhelm or play into the 'end scenario' in my head.. in fact the truth is rarely as bad as one I can create in my head. So to answer that last question, it certainly happens that I create something out of nothing, and at times nothing out of something. Hence why I like to communicate honestly, but not overbearingly with whomever I feel 'off' with.

If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

The only reason I have ever stopped corresponding with someone was that they seemed to never want to help themselves. If they constantly have the same issues that they never ever try to work on.. When people either become or remain stagnant. If these people were to at least attempt to improve, I would gladly be in their lives again if they wanted me to. I am just not into rescuing people. I love helping, but there has to be something on their end as well.

Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?


If it is just a friend it bothers me more for them to be clingy, I love personal though. But I hate jealously and when people feel like they own me.

If it is romantic, the detached and indifferent bothers me more. I just need that connection with a romantic partner that a detached person would have trouble with. I have to feel like I matter and am loved... So that detachment would create a loop in my head, and I've been there, I hate it and won't be doing it again. Oddly enough the detachment can be combined with the clingy and then you have a total mess, someone that treats you poorly and feels like they own you... stay far away from that. :laugh:

If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Honestly not much upsets me, like at all. However, if something did, all the person would have to do is talk to me. I find that if I can understand where someone else is coming from, even if I don't like it, it makes me feel better.. So honesty and communication wins with me every single time.

I hope this helps. :)
 

DJAchtundvierzig

New member
Joined
Jul 27, 2010
Messages
272
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx
.
Dear INFJs,

Your community here is consistently considerate and generous with its time, and I wonder if some of you would be willing to tackle a few questions, as many or as few as you like. Any insight you can offer would be appreciated.

∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

Yes I am VERY passive agressive. But I will tell them whats bothering me, but in a very polite way to avoid any discomfort.

∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

If someone is upset with me, I just avoid them for as long as possible, even if its for a couple years. :D Not a good thing!
As for assumptions, I almost always assume there is a problem that I caused if someone is acting a bit sketchy or weird around me.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

1.They know to much, therefore I seperate myself.
2. They intentually hurt someone I care about or myself.
3. Or they are just negative nellys, but I will try to change that before I cut off contact.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

That one.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

An empathetic apology. Simple as that.

Thanks for any help you can offer.
 

Random Ness

New member
Joined
Aug 17, 2010
Messages
270
I can only speak for myself...

I've gotten in big trouble for being passive-aggressive in the past. I don't want someone to know that they're annoying the hell out of me, because it would make them sad. But somehow, something usually causes me to burst. I'm trying to learn I don't have to put up with someone if I don't like them.

If neither of us have established that there is something wrong, I usually don't ask the person about it. On the other hand, if it's really obvious that someone's upset with me, or someone has told me they're upset with me, I try to talk it out with them through written letters or e-mail (less hurtful than in-person). I always want to talk through problems when they arise.

If they were trying to kill me? I find the silent treatment quite selfish and mean and I would never do that to someone.

People who are detached and indifferent get on my nerves more often. I like affection and being involved in someone's life, so an indifferent friend would be considered less of a friend to me than a clingy friend.

If someone upsets me, I would love it if that person gave me some time to cool down (the amount of time depends on how frequently you contact the person) and afterwards we'd talk things over by written letter or e-mail. I would love it if that person heard me out instead of interrupting me before I finish my points (which is why I prefer written messages over talking in person). I would love it if that person would be sensitive and respectful when they talked to me instead of brash and uncaring (the less nicely a person talks to me, the more I am able to hold a grudge). If we truly cared about each other's relationship then we should be able to work things out somehow, even if it means agreeing to disagree.
 

ItsAGuy

New member
Joined
Aug 6, 2010
Messages
146
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

Um... I still wish I had a better understanding of the meaning of the term; I personally won't automatically tell someone what is bothering me unless there's really no other way around it. Often I can absorb and silence problems internally, and so my first instinct would be probably to 'not bother' anyone else with the burden of such things.

∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

Hmm. I have been known to worry that someone is upset with me (through their generic lack of initiation with me) when they are not... but when it come to people being upset with me? I strain to remember such a time. I may be too background for people to ever be really pleased or really upset with me. I do tend to ask 'what is wrong?' a lot, though. I don't typically leave it unspoken.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

That might simply be the cleanest and least painful way I can think of to end something. I do think, though, it takes a lot of work to push me to this point, considering I tend to go to some lengths to accept what others think or do, whether that is outwardly visible or not.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

Too detached and indifferent. I'm a dreamer and an idealist, which means that, regardless with how comfortable I am talking to any given person, things mean a great deal to me, and are important enough to do something about. So when someone is apathetic, it kills me a little inside. I can't stand it. In relationship terms, someone who is detached from me "can't like me very much, can they?" I'm kinda suffering this with my ISFJ crush right now... she doesn't initiate or ask much about me, but she sure as hell spends a lot of time with me when I initiate and ask about her. It's VERY confusing for me, and it makes me worry that she's only doing it because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Be honest, direct, and talk about it. Authenticity is key to an INFJ. One of my exes from about 12 years ago, on a trip down i95 to the L.L. Bean outlet in Freeport (the original, actually) got really quiet after a while... then she just blurted out "I got drunk at the marching band party and ended up making out with someone."

I was mad for all of about 5 minutes... but was so thoroughly impressed with her honesty with me that I felt even closer to her, and that feeling won out rather quickly. This is not to say you should go looking for things to do wrong and then tell your S.O. all about it. Mistakes are mistakes. Habits and habits, though.

It's too bad she was an emotional wreck and the relationship fell apart after only a few months... cuz she's still one of my favourites of all time (we still talk.)
 
Last edited:

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
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INFJ
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9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

I don't think I am, as I tend to communicate what is on my mind if it is bothering me enough, but maybe some would think that the words I use aren't as direct as they could be, thus would equate that to passive-aggressive.

If I'm actually upset about something, I can't not talk about it. I need to bring it up, if only because selfishly it relieves myself of keeping it in and letting it fester, and I'd rather get rid of any negative feelings residing within me as soon as possible. Plus I don't really see the point of keeping it in, as it doesn't do anything to make things better or resolve the situation, nor does it let the other person know what's going on with me.

∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

I'll ask if there's something wrong.

I do tend towards paranoia at times, and read too much into things or think something's about me when in reality it's nothing to do with me and it's just other stuff in the persons' life... so because I'm aware of this tendency I sometimes hold back just to wait it out a bit to make sure I'm not just being crazed.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

Hmm... I don't know that there's ever been an abrupt stop for me. Usually it's gradual, if the relationship isn't deepening or we're heading in different directions. And, I'm one who hates lack of closure, so I'll actually explain to the person why I am not seeing things going anywhere, so that they're not just left hanging in the dark.


∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

Ah, tough. My initial response before really thinking about it was that people who are clingy bother me more. But, in my close relationships, I do need to know that the person values having me in their life and values the relationship, so I don't think I could deal with total detachment. Perhaps the distinction is that I am more ok with, and prefer people who are more detached/indifferent to most things/ideas/people, but who with a select few move out of that zone. Whereas people who are generally, as a rule, more clingy, bother me more.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Oh, just talk about it and explain why you did what you did and what the motivation/intent was behind it. I think I'm pretty darn forgiving and see other perspectives pretty easily... too easily at times.
 
G

garbage

Guest
∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

Not passive-aggressive, no. I'm quiet. But definitely not in a pouting sort of way.

To explain, I end up feeling like I should deal with things on my end, rather than even bring them up for discussion. I take people as they are, and I default toward feeling as though I shouldn't disturb their habits. It's pretty hard for me to bring things up.

Those I'm not in contact with aren't likely to be close to me, and/or I'm not likely to have any issue with them or any issues that'd otherwise concern them at all.

∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

I definitely initiate contact. I typically don't ask outright, unless the situation warrants it, but I steer the conversation in that direction. I try to let them know that it's okay to bring their issues to me, and I also try to get in the least defensive mindset possible.

I often assume that interpersonal problems are worse than they are--or at least treat them like they're bad problems so that I'm prepared for the worst.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

They got on my last nerve.

It's happened.. three times, maybe.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

People who are too clingy, definitely. In my experience, it leads to control, which I absolutely abhor.

Also, I tend to want my own space. I appreciate people who can give that to me.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

I kind of want to know that they care enough to try to understand my perspective, because I end up giving all of my effort to trying to understand theirs.

Once they've ensured me that they care, I pretty much reach out to them with full force.
 

Tiltyred

New member
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Dec 1, 2008
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4,322
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INFP
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468
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sx/sp
Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?
I usually don't say what's bothering me, because whatever happened is a symptom of a bigger pattern. So it's like if you hammer down one peg, another pops up. I try to just get to know the person, which takes time. I try to give the benefit of the doubt until I have made up my mind whether this is something I can bear or something I just can't. But for example, if the person has a habit of making rude remarks that hurt my feelings, there's no point in saying "the thing you said yesterday hurt my feelings" because the other person will understand something like "I shouldn't say the thing I said yesterday," or "I shouldn't talk to Tilty about that subject," and that doesn't really address the issue. I generally find it useless to try to change people, and I'm not even sure it's my right to try. I feel like if I can't appreciate them as they are, I don't have the right to change them. Maybe better if they find someone who can appreciate them as they are. It is easier for me to adapt than it is for me to try to change people.

So if something's upsetting me, I usually let it ride. This is one reason I don't live with anyone, though. I have to be able to get away from people or the relationship usually doesn't survive.

I'm insanely passive-aggressive, unfortunately, but I feel it only starts if I feel the other person is running a head game on me. If I can't get away from them, I will head game them back, and some of that includes passive-aggressiveness.

If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react?
I watch them and try to figure out for myself what's going on. If I can't figure it out, I try to forget it. If I can't forget it, I'll ask, IF I feel pretty sure of getting a worthwhile answer. That's rare.

How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?
I never really believe that nothing's wrong. I believe people want me to believe there was no problem, and I go along, but privately, I think that if I sensed a problem, there was one. Just not one they want to discuss. Which is fine.

If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?
Could be a few things: boredom, or a big clash of values on major issues

Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?
Too clingy.
Although for someone who is supposed to be attached to me, if they're overly indifferent, I don't like it and will usually initiate contact until I have a level that satisfies me, if they are willing to give it.

If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?
Grovel and cry.
Make a joke if you're witty. I can sometimes be laughed out of things.
 

Quay

Peaced
Joined
Feb 17, 2010
Messages
271
MBTI Type
INFJ
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6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

I can be passive-aggressive, but it's really checking my anger at the door. I get like this when I'm pretty certain someone is testing me or trying to get a reaction out of me. Passive aggressiveness is a step up from flat-out ignoring the person. Next step is very nasty displays of anger and I don't like getting that way, for my sake and and the other person's sake.

Anyone I know on the close-yet-not-regular-contact level...hmm. I never am upset with these people. No answer there... :)

I∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

I wait for the person to come to me. I guess because I don't like being harrassed when I'm upset, as I'm liable to say the first nasty thing that comes to my head and I'd rather think everything through first.

My husband (ENFP) wants me to harrass him for information, though he really has no problem sharing what's on his mind.

***oh and problem-assuming..maybe 50% of the time. But then there's always some weird scenario running through my head of how i could have put my foot in my mouth or offended someone with overactive Fe.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

The person was flat-out wrong, and no matter what angle I look at it, I still can't see a positive reason for the person doing whatever was done. Doesn't happen often... actually only once in my life.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

Clingy and personal. I'm always suspicious of these type of people, but it does have to do with my past.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Acknowledgement and apology is enough. How was the person to know...

Thanks for any help you can offer.

You're welcome.
 
Last edited:

Vasilisa

Symbolic Herald
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Feb 2, 2010
Messages
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Dear burymecloser, you are always so receptive, its a pleasure to answer your questions.

∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

I don't want to be. Do you know what is my first association with passive aggressive? This website. And I find that repulsive. I would hate to act that way. But I can admit that I am more likely to behave in a passive aggressive manner than many others. I am generally just a passive person. I am not easily riled, and even if I get that way it that doesn't necessarily mean I will act aggressively. At times it is just a matter of letting aggressive feelings subside and contemplating what is behind them, why things upset me. For me anger is a function of being hurt. I know others who seem to toggle between being happy and being angry. For me it would be more about being happy or being hurt. I suppose thats tied into my sense of justice, too. It is upsetting to me when people are treated wrongly because they are quiet or don't lash out in anger or aggressively demand things. (This doesn't translate into weaker necessarily always being right in my view). So when I think something is unjust or if someone is being treated unfairly I am much more likely to be aggressive in their defense. But if it is about me and I am angry I will remain calm, the anger will recede into hurt and I am more likely to just let that be and act passively. This is why I am not always my best advocate.

If I was upset with someone close, with whom I am not in regular contact, then, sadly, yes, there is a good chance I would not let them know what was bothering me. It depends on the offense, obviously. I might give it time and then explain to them in a heartfelt way what upset me. I really try to see their side of it. Hopefully anyone I am close to wouldn't have meant to be malicious to me. I try to keep it in mind that surely they care about my feelings. Therefore, I try to be sincere, friends really do want (and deserve) to know my inner feelings, and it is in no ones interest to conceal them. I am trying to be more open (-making progress :)). It is my practice to speak honestly about what hurts me, instead of snarling and lashing out in anger. I find its more productive to reaching understanding because typically it gets to the heart of the conflict. It takes a really cold person to hear that and still pile on. But they can and thats why I can be somewhat vulnerable.

∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

I find myself very aware and susceptible, unfortunately(?), to people's moods which they transmit through their demeanor. But I don't want to presume to know what people think or feel, because nobody likes that really. It isn't fair. So, I approach. But with concern, not hostility. And I don't press too hard because that has so much of an opposite effect. People open up to me at their own time and I respect that, because I do things at my own pace, too. I usually am correct when I sense someone is upset, but sometimes it turns out to be based in something I couldn't have known, which is further evidence not to assume to know their mind.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

I'm imagining a scenario like this and I want to say it would be because someone has run over my sensitivities which I told them about in more than one way, more than once. I know I am subtle, so when I come out and state something boldly it is pretty important to me. And if someone wasn't picking up on that it our limited interactions and kept offending me, I honestly could see myself just suspending the interaction. Hopefully not forever. I am speaking for myself here, and yes I see the problems with my approach. This scenario hasn't happened to me, its just something I imagined to fit your description.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

I am pretty private. So, I want to say the former for casual relationships. I especially hate prying if it is done out of a desire to get-the-gossip or to find information to use against me later. But for non-malicious people I totally understand that some people are just warm and intimate early on and some of them get really attached to me, and thats beautiful, I should be thankful for that. I am thankful for them.

And of course I am accepting of the detached and indifferent people out there, too. But in the realm of love it gets trickier, because if I am in love with you a stoic act can really hurt my feelings. The detached and indifferent can be very alluring to me, but if they cannot let themselves be loved or love (perhaps out of habit or fear or something) I can take that very personally. Sometimes they aren't inclined (able?) to communicate about it, either. I take that as a personal failing and its hard. Its been hard.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Make amends by active listening and heartfelt apology. Make me feel like its safe for me to express that with you without their being a resulting seismic shift that spoils everything. Honestly, after doing that you may hear me apologize to you! Don't give up on me if I seem broody. Ask me to decode my subtle messages if they confound you. Try to make things light.

I am sorry this is so long. :blush:

I hope it is useful to you, burymecloser. :hug:
 

burymecloser

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I'm still absorbing these responses, but they are wonderful. It's really unusual, I think, to get such consistently thoughtful and detailed responses, and I truly appreciate it. Thank you. :hug:
 

Billy

Crazy Diamond
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
1,192
MBTI Type
INFJ
If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?
I usually feel quite guilty or that weird tingly feeling like I am dreaming as in a bad feeling, I think its just anxiety that I did something wrong. If I do figure out what I did wrong I will typically apologize, if I dont know what I did I will beat around the bush and try to figure it out. If I dont feel what I did was wrong and they do, I will fight for my position or ignore them, unless they emotionally plead with me, then I usually give in and sweep it under the carpet sometimes I have apologized without being wrong just to make the conflict go away, conflict in general is toxic to me though I cant NOT think of it, i become obsessed with fixing it. I am usually able to figure out if there is a problem pretty quick, I know how people act (that I know) I have a deep sense of them and their actions in my mind from devouring them over time... if that changes from what I know of them I know something is up.

∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?
This is a complex question... for all the usual reasons I suppose.

*Theyre bad for me make me feel bad.
*I am afraid of dealing with them
*They betray me
I am ashamed of something I did and I cant face them and its easier to push them away. etc.

∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?
Detached and Indifferent. I can never stop loving someone for being clingy and personal and needing me, I can never turn my back no matter how irritating that can be and believe me It FRICKIN IRRITATING... but people with no passion in a relationship be it romantic or platonic of familial, I have no use for. I need something to bite into, and people who are completely detached, well, thats bad for me because I like a good challenge and I will bang my heart against their walls for a long time before I feel utterly broken and disgusted with them.

∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?
Well, 1st of all it depends on what the something was... you dont accidentally fuck someone behind my back or accidentally murder my family member... some things are not forgivable. But barring those kinds of extremes,

1. Own it.
2. Apologize for it.
3. Be sincere.

the rest would be up to me, and most of the time if you are being sincere and genuine in your remorse, thats all I need to feel like I can let you back in.
 

andiyar

New member
Joined
Sep 6, 2010
Messages
4
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2w1
∙ Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

I'm more closed than passive-aggressive, I feel. I'm likely to deal with issues myself without engaging others as to them, unless I'm paranoid that there's been an actual breakdown on my part there. As to the other, I'm more likely to wait to see if they figure it out themselves… see the passive aggression I guess. I dislike forcing the issue with people - I kinda prefer the situation to just resolve.


∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

Generally I find myself running through the situation in my mind, often finding fault with myself where there probably isn't any. Depending on the person, I will often make contact to ask if something's wrong - I'll often be a bit paranoid that something is wrong when it isn't. More often than not, if I'm brutally honest with myself. I'll often tap-dance around the issue itself, but I won't just let it go.


∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

Two reasons I suppose, one is that I simply disconnect from the person, or if they overwhelm me completely. The disconnect would normally be just falling out of touch, with no real reasoning behind it other then it happening - and I hate it when it does happen because it feels incomplete, and closure is kinda necessary. If I'm overwhelmed I'm more likely to temporarily break contact - this has happened with some friends, mostly - in order to, 'take a break', kinda like a discharged battery. Some people are just slowly tiring, but I would rarely ever completely break contact as the relationship is generally too valuable to take away completely.


∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

I'd rather have clingy/personal over detached indifferent in almost any relationship I can consider. In an actual mate/lover relationship detached or indifference is very disturbing to me - and even is so in a friendship. It drives me back into paranoia about what errors or mistakes I may have made. :S


∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

Be open and honest about it and just talk with me about it. I forgive, but I don't just forgive blindly.


-A
 

the state i am in

Active member
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sx/sp
i agree with vasilisa about being a generally passive person. as an e5 and a male and an sx/sp, i am more likely to avoid sad/hurt and immediately transfer it into more of an anger response. but my inability to immediately cathartically act and cleanse myself of my feelings allows them to stew and burn me the fuck out. so i just get tired, avoidant, stressed, irritable, and the feeling that i transferred into anger takes the same toll on me or worse but without me gleaning the insight i would gain from actually experiencing my feeling in its fullest, truest form. i'm getting better at this.

the key for infjs with some e5 action-stutter issues involves maintaining a sense of capability so the world doesn't make you feel like you're starting to crumble and implode under the pressure imbalance between the world and your interior. conflict is a huge stressor, and the kind of unswerving need for belief and purpose gets magnified by the the desire for truth and truest context for e5 infj types. once the pressure starts reacting wildly and emotional instability becomes more and more exaggerated, the sense of self becomes more flailing and hysterical and the SEARCH feature finds/reveals negativities of a more bizarre, hallucinatory nature.

along with having some passive aggressive tendencies, i think, the worst thing i do socially or intimately with others when i start darkening/clouding is my overreactive fear-mongering hallucinations prompt me to take a kind of "prove it" attitude that is mostly unhelpful. because we close off once we feel that we might implode, the inability to truly hear others means that we are on our own and have to come out of it on our own. those who show that they obviously want to help us out of it earn a life-time kind of trust that we don't forget, especially if we improve and begin to see that much of the previous "mistake" on the part of the other had more to do with our own ego-sensitive trip-wire identifying-with-values-that-protected-us rather than an inherent flaw in someone else. i think, on average, the female infj population is a bit more well-adjusted, and definitely more well-adjusted at a younger age.

by hallucinations i mean inaccurate representations that construct a kind of interrelated attitude constellation rather than those that are based on truly listening, that allow in the whole prism of colors and allow us to see in a truer context. fixation on threats, negative consequences, sources of shame, ugliness, etc.
 

burymecloser

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Joined
Jan 31, 2010
Messages
516
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INTP
Enneagram
6w5
Thanks again to everyone who replied in this thread. I remain sort of taken aback by the detailed, thoughtful answers, and I sincerely appreciate them.

Several people have asked me to follow up on the OP. It's hard to really do that, since I was just asking questions, so I hope this satisfies your curiosity: my OP was prompted partially by someone with whom I email regularly, and whom I hadn't heard from in a while. I sent another message, just normal stuff with a brief note at the beginning that I hoped everything was ok. It turns out a crisis-related work project was the cause of the delay. Everything is cool between us. Sorry if that's a boring ending. I'll try to make up something more interesting, and maybe post it later. ;)

The answers you provided definitely help me understand, or at least begin to understand, more about my relationships with INFJs, this one in particular. Every time I've checked the replies to this thread, I've been struck by them, and for those who asked, yes, I've found them very helpful. You're all invited to my house for a drink. :cheers:

I continue to be interested in your replies, if anyone wants to elaborate or add a contribution. I do have a follow-up for anyone who's interested:

For me anger is a function of being hurt. I know others who seem to toggle between being happy and being angry. For me it would be more about being happy or being hurt. I suppose thats tied into my sense of justice, too. It is upsetting to me when people are treated wrongly because they are quiet or don't lash out in anger or aggressively demand things. (This doesn't translate into weaker necessarily always being right in my view). So when I think something is unjust or if someone is being treated unfairly I am much more likely to be aggressive in their defense. But if it is about me and I am angry I will remain calm, the anger will recede into hurt and I am more likely to just let that be and act passively. This is why I am not always my best advocate.
This caught my attention, definitely seems familiar. Can others identify with that sentiment as well?
 
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