She was an INFJ and a smart one. Did very well in her classes, but I should also note that she had a very difficult childhood - her mother, it seemed, was highly unstable. Her relationship with her father fared a bit better - though she only saw him on a limited basis. She also grew up very poor and had an unusual amount of responsibility thrust upon her shoulders, taking care of both her little brother and her unstable mother. I also got the feeling there was a lot more to it than anything she ever told me, certainly. Nevertheless, I felt my protective instinct go to full throttle whenever I was with her.
This is me. This is my childhood. Except: Didn't grow up poor. But my family struggled financially. Two brothers instead of one.
In terms of the protective instinct, my best friend once told me that men are attracted to my vulnerability. It's probably true. I find that some men are protective of me (even those without a romantic interest - sensing somehow that I am wounded). It does bother me that they perceive me this way because I am actually quite strong. However, I do appreciate their warmth, comfort and chilvalrous ways. idk, there's some mixed feelings there. I'm not looking for a Knight in Shining Armor. I don't need to be rescued. A "Knight in Shining Armor" is a red flag for me. Coming across as vulnerable is not a safe thing. There are men who have tried to take advantage of my vulnerability to fullfill their own needs.
Secondbest - Since you mentioned how your protective instinct goes into high gear, should I assume you're attracted to vulnerable women?
So here's the meat of this thread: I remember something very distinct about the way in which she'd engage others in conversation. It was almost as if when she did open herself up to other people, it was more a revelation of her internal dialogue than it was a conversation. And it was always just brutally honest about herself and her feelings - often very painful for me or anyone else she trusted to hear. So it's kind of like she was opening a window into her apartment for certain people to see - as opposed to leaving the apartment altogether into the world and interacting with it.
I'm not sure if I understand the apartment metaphor. It's very poetic though
I'll try to pretend I understand. Leaving the apartment is an impossibility in that state. There's such a profound sense of pain and loss (speaking from my own experience). Especially if you've been in denial in the past regarding the extent in which you've become wounded and damaged. It's hard to connect with the world because all you end up doing is reliving the memories, experiencing the pain, reliving the memories, feeling sad, feeling angry. You become caught up in it. It cycles over and over again til you're dizzy and there's no escape. You try to comprehend it through your internal dialogue but all you hear are echoes. You need validation to heal. You need others to hear you. You need others to hear your pain. And many people just don't give a shit! Those who do seem to care, don't understand. It seems that no one understands the hell you've been through. But still, you need them to hear the pain. And it's not pretty and it's not fun. Yet, you need someone to hear. It seems selfish because it's your life not theirs. Why should they feel your pain? But why the hell not? YOU felt the pain, the pain THEY feel for you could not even come close to the pain you experienced. Besides, these so called friends don't really understand anyways. So, as we're all exchanging stories about our wonderful childhoods and it's now your turn, you reply: "No I didn't have the idyllic childhood. Unlike you, I don't have relatives in San Diego. We don't go visiting every Christmas. In fact, I don't even know where they live because I don't talk to them anymore. (That's great as a conversational stopper). *mouths drop* Really. No one really wants to hear the truth. You're better making up some bullshit story.
I think your friend was probably so full of emotions and processing things from her past that she needed to release them in a safe environment. Was she in therapy at the time? I remember being in a phase where I did that a bit. Or I suffered in silence, but was so good at "acting" (coming across as sooo together) that no one knew. It was good, BTW, that she had good friends like you to talk to, otherwise, it could have been potentially dangerous. In my case, I realized it wasn't fair to have my friends carry that burden. I went into therapy which helped immensely. My relationship with my friends improved and became healthier as a result.
I should also note that my own mother is an INFJ and displays similar patterns of conversing. She also has had some serious trauma in her past. I would brush off the case with the freshman as an isolated incident if it weren't for this fact.
My initial thought is that, because her outside environment was so troubling and traumatic, that she completely withdrew into herself, sometime in her early development. And as such, the internal dialogue that made up so much a part of her early life is all she has to share with others. This may not be limited to INFJs, but might be a behavior pattern indicative of two primary introverted functions in the cognitive development profile.
You're a natural - therapist. It's a good theory. In my case, I wouldn't say that was the case. I am a One, however, in part, due to my childhood upbringing, I think. Superego is strong. Constant dialogue with the inner critic. Need to feel in control. Control is maintained through the mind and withholding emotions. This all develops because there is too much chaos and emotions in the environment. Control needs to come from within. Things need to make sense because nothing makes sense. If nothing makes sense, I will go insane. But I wouldn't say that I felt that was all I had to share with others because during childhood I didn't associate with what was happening to me. I disassociated. That doesn't mean I didn't feel pain. But I didn't share it with others. Only later, removed from the situation, having left home could I really start processing any of it.
Sorry about your mother. I'm familiar with PTSD (unfortunately).
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but if it does, I'd love to hear your thoughts. What do you think explains this correlation? Has anyone else noticed this about INFJs in conjunction with difficult childhoods? Do you know of any INFJs who do this?
Not sure I see the connection. Only I can come up with: NFs are highly sensitive types. I think that they may be more susceptible to PTSD. This could also apply to SFs (I think) - the key is F. When you combine a sensitive child NF with a whacked out mom, it's not a good combination. An NF child is less likely to have the armor to protect him or herself. In my family, my brother (the most sweetest person in the world) an ISFP, was completely destroyed by my mother. It's really sad how his life has turned out. Unfortunately, he was born with a temperment that made the whole situation worse for him. My second brother, an ESTP, seemed to turn out relatively well (although he was doted on--another story...) In my case, I was a sensitive child (my mother always said, "why do you have to be so damn sensitive!), however I was always in my head as a way of defending myself. I'm borderline INFJ/INTJ - so the NT came in handy (unfortunately, I ended up repressing a lot of my feelings which it's taken years to recover).
Sorry for the long post. I could relate to a lot of this. Thanks. That was very helpful. But it made me cry when I reread it.
, as we've all had them, some much much worse than others... I'm just challenging the concept of these supposed correlations.
