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[INFJ] I Lost My INFJ

Vasilisa

Symbolic Herald
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
3,946
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
When she texts you, DO NOT tell her you're doing "good" or "ok". Tell her that you are devastated, distraught, near suicide, a complete mess. You love her desperately, need her, must have her! You're a Thinker, so you probably believe this is ridiculously "over the top". But if you will just do it, even if you feel awkward or silly, she will be impressed. At any rate...good news, your INFJ still loves you. You haven't lost...quit thinking, drinking and brooding...and go get her!

I respectfully disagree. It is quite likely she will feel resentful that she is being denied her time to process. You would be denying her request which likely doesn't come easy, but rather from deep feelings that she needs to reconcile. She may come out of obligation, but resentment like that poisons a relationship. She won't be able to see your love as non-manipulative.

ENTPs do not want to be trapped, surely then one can recognize how distasteful it would be to try to trap a kindhearted woman this way.

There are other ways to make a grand gesture, this is manipulation, though. There are ways to speak from the heart that are not emotional blackmail.

Tell her that you are devastated, distraught, near suicide, a complete mess.

Don't do this. If you really feel this way, please seek some professional help.
 

Tallulah

Emerging
Joined
Feb 19, 2008
Messages
6,009
MBTI Type
INTP
Echoing what others have said, and in the future, if you get back together, try and stop yourself in the moment if you can tell you're reacting to old wounds. I agree with Vasilisa, I think it was...ENTPs sometimes shoot their mouths off and do damage control later. INFJs (and a lot of introverts in general) choose their words carefully, and can be tremendously wounded by hurtful things said in the heat of moment. We might be furious at someone and never say something we know would hurt them. She's probably expecting you to censor those thoughts yourself, knowing they would wound her.

Good luck, and make sure she knows how much you really do care about her.
 

DanAKAHollywood

New member
Joined
Aug 28, 2010
Messages
6
Hey all. Still going strong and still missing her but I am alive another day. The initial shock has worn off and I am now to the point where I am just dazed. Haven't been eating much and sleep is non-existent. You know those situations where you start to doze off and then think about someone and your heart starts racing and and you are wide awake and very discomforted. I have had little contact with her lately and it is becoming a nightmare that I feel I cannot wake up from. If it is not meant to be then who am I to protest that. However, if it is meant to be then that would be a blessing. I have reached a stage where my thoughts are clouded and I can no longer analyze the situation. Over analyzing things is a curse of mine anyways. Always have to have the answer. I am flying blindly and just hoping for the best. She told me that she loves me and that she still wants me in her life but that in itself scares me. I know that with her in my life, I will continue to love her and I do not want that love to tarnish a relationship if she does not want to be with me. Pretty aimless right now. Damn, I miss that woman.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
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INFJ
What's wrong wich ya, man? Shrugging your shoulders about it not being meant to be and yet you're devastated (and you were the one that started this whole thing) and she doesn't want to say goodbye to you? If I were her, I would assume that you never cared that much in the first place. Fs don't just make irrevocable pronouncements usually as Ts tend to. INFJs at least will usually be looking very carefully at your reaction to decide on their next course of action if they haven't walked away and decided to have nothing to do with you at all. We usually have a delayed processing time where our behaviour is based on our LAST interaction, not the current one. She's said that she wants you to be a part of her life, which means that she still has grave concerns, but is looking for what you plan to do before she makes any further decisions. If she really thought you had gone too far to ever be redeemable in her eyes, you wouldn't have had any further contact.

Have you ever thought that an impassioned plea for a rethink and then some consistent behaviour and signs that you are completely devoted to her might not make a huge difference. You've got about every sign you could hope for. The fact is that she's not sure if she can trust you to not do something stupid like that again. By being around (frequent contact!) and being consistent and making sure she knows you still love her while giving her a little bit of space, I think she'd change her mind.

Having said that, it does sound like you maybe have some healing up to do from the past, which would be good to get working on while you are waiting. Have you figured out how your past experiences are affecting the current ones? What went wrong in your old relationship (either in the choosing of the person or in the execution of the relationship). How are you going to avoid that happening again? Have you tied up all the loose ends from the past that you are able to and made whatever amends needed to be? Have you forgiven? Do you have any other non-romantic people in your life that you are close to? What is your communication like with them? Do you know how to resolve problems when they come up? Do you really believe you will be heard if you just state your case? What patterns from your growing years did you see in communication and what did you like/dislike about that? I think coming armed with some thoughtfulness and information is something very important to INFJs. They want to know 1) you realize the gravity of the situation 2) you have put some thought into how to change things 3) it applies to all areas of your life - integrity and consistency are important.
 

Tiltyred

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Dec 1, 2008
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I would also suggest that you consider revising your drinking habits. It sounds like that has created/exacerbated problems more than once. Maybe you could even talk to your INFJ about the issue and see what she thinks. Good luck.

My first thought after reading what happened was "Stop drinking." So I'm just chiming in to reinforce this idea.
 

Vasilisa

Symbolic Herald
Joined
Feb 2, 2010
Messages
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so/sx
You know those situations where you start to doze off and then think about someone and your heart starts racing and and you are wide awake and very discomforted.
I absolutely do! And how about when you do get sleep and wake up from it only to have the awful realization dawn on you once again that your loved one is gone and its as though you have awoken to a nightmare anew. Yes, I can relate, Dan. I can relate to the helpless frustration of not being able to move the object of my love with any words, even after mining the depths of my soul to find them. It is purely maddening, isn't it? This will grow you like nothing else.

But love works, Dan. It works in blood and in bones and in breath. Believe it. Your INFJ likely does.

On the chance that all that intimacy with her was some kind of singular condition that she didn't experience at all, then you cannot transmit it to her. You can show it, as you said you have. Trust in that if it is within her then it is there. Its very zen - this way of trusting and doing the most by not doing so much.

You are not stupid. It sounds like you have been wracking your brain for so long trying to figure out that perfect answer that is eluding you. But its not an equation to solve like that. Take care of Dan. The kind of care that focuses on long term happiness. If you can do that it really shows that you can take care of the one you love.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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Oh, yeah, ditto on the stop drinking thing. Seems to be consistently yielding bad results.
 

1487610420

Permabanned
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Messages
6,431
Before you tell yourself you want to be with an INFJ, make sure you are aware of what that means, and that is really what you want. People aren't just another shiny object.

EDIT: And be sure you can handle it.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
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Haha, you sound wary. I don't blame you. We're nice but a lot of work.
 

Lily flower

New member
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Jun 28, 2010
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930
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INFJ
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2
hey man that whole thing sounds awful.
Dont be offended if my advice doesnt apply to you, im just going on what ive seen.
I tend to notice that alot of the T's in my life may percieve something they do as a big emotional gesture when in the eyes of an F its sort of mild. In fact an Entp i used to go out with and eventually ended up mutually breaking up with once tried to win me back with what she saw as a heartfelt speach and to me sounded so vague. It was only when i got back with her that found out the extent to which she cared.

Its just my advice and i really cant pretend to know what to do in such an awful situation but i think a grand gesture might make things the way they were. For instance, my friend filled the apartment of the INFJ he was dating with flowers so that it was like a carpet thoughout the whole apratment. I think you need to sweep her off her feet with something to remind her how strongly you feel and bring back her feelings for the you.


Great advice. That would charm me, certainly. I suppose a grand gesture could also scare her off, but if she likes you at all, I think it will have a postive result.
 

sulfit

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Aug 5, 2010
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sp/so
I don't think the nerd wedding website consciously meant anything to her, may be subconsciously it did relate to her thoughts, as she is not over you. When I separated with my ENTP I had very little inclination to contact him and ask him how he is doing. He had emotionally hurt me to the point that it simply became an illogical thing to do (yes practically all of the feeling died off). The fact that she was constantly contacting you means that she still has feelings for you.

I personally would also would not send a wedding website as a hint to a guy which whom I just separated, broken-up, or had a fight with. It would just seem an emotionally crude thing to do. Therefore I don't think she was trying to imply anything by sending you the link.
 

the state i am in

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Feb 12, 2009
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you're not going to find a perfect maneuver that logically wins the game.

you have to show her that you're willing to accept all the bad things you feel right now, and that even though you don't know, and even though you're not on top of your emotions, and even though you feel like you're drowning in chaos, you'll wait with her and be willing (determined) to work on/through it.

this is what, i think, the other infjs mean by not giving up. even when you can't make her feel better, and you feel badly, you will keep her company, and you will continually choose to accept your feelings but try and try and try to act in accordance of both of your feelings, accepting hers too, even when you are too clouded to hear hers or yours (which happens with Fe, it happens to me, and somehow hanging in there when it's washing over your Ti and you can't fucking hear yourself think or figure out what's true and you risk being overwhelmed by them bc you know it's worth it to you and you've MADE THE DECISION).

instead of the tendency to run away, escape, evade the feelings that are catching up to you and that you can't fully process, rationalize, discard, etc. bc those are the stakes, and everything rides on them, for good and bad.

you have to find a way to assert control over yourself that allows them to breathe, that allows you to accept and fully experience them, but also balance them with another. and doing it all with a way to re-center yourself, and re-establish what's true for you when you lose your way.

but not trying to do this too soon, as a way to avoid pain (bc we all know how easily Ti can generate truth, a story, reasons, etc, that can get you from point a to point b but don't necessarily allow you to experience all of the implicit implications in addition to the specific causal chain reaction, especially with Ne when in service of getting away from here as quickly as possible). bc then you're just running away. and you don't learn the true weight, risk, vulnerability, and depth of CARE that really shows you the significance of the situation to yourself (which yes, can make you very very scared).
 

Wrath Mania

New member
Joined
Aug 5, 2008
Messages
28
MBTI Type
ENTP
I can totally relate, man. I was very much in love with an INFJ who was on-and-off with a previous boyfriend, an ISFJ who she eventually clung permanently too. After some pushing and pulling (fantastically accurate way of describing the ENTP-INFJ relationship) we developed a very deep and intimate relationship- the only thing we essentially didn't do was anything physical- that went far beyond the bounds it should have, with her in a previous relationship, and eventually reality hit and the whole thing crashed. We played some terrible games towards one another in the months that followed- me trying to get her attention, her trying to distance herself from me emotionally- before things finally simmered. With her in a relationship nearing marriage, there was no way I could keep fantasy land going. I haven't spoken to her for a few months.

Now I go to the same school as this girl. I work at this school. I still see her. First time she saw me this semester she deliberately turned and ran the other way. Was it in disdain? Or in a grab for attention? I do not know. The truth is this: I cannot allow myself to pine over her anymore. In truth I am still deeply in love with her, and worry for choices she's made in her life. And yet, there comes a point where I can no longer compromise what I want to do with my life- my goals, my ambition- in a situation that will never work. It fucking sucks, it leaves me miserable when I allow it too, but I have to be realistic about it. I have to be rational about it.

Please note that by being rational about it, I'm not ignoring my emotions. I used to do that, by pretending a close intimate "friendship" with her wasn't emotionally compromising me. The INFJs here are right: let yourself feel what you feel. Be totally ruthless with that experience. Only then will you know how to proceed.

I used to chide myself for not ending up with my INFJ. If only I did this or didn't do that. What I've learned is that the outcome of these things is the product of much larger forces than a missed gift here or a meltdown there. If it doesn't work out, the two weren't ready for it. That simple. Discover why you weren't ready, then improve, if not for her, than the next. Realize that your meltdown was the product of larger things in your life; her reaction and withdrawal was the product of larger things in her life. Accept this, and learn.

So my two pieces of advice are:

1. Understand that what happened was not the product of one event, but of much more general things inside both of you.

2. Be emotionally uncompromising with yourself, but then stay true to yourself. Do not compromise what makes you who you are.
 
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