[INFJ] Emotionally Shattered INFJ

[Rebe]

If he is begging and pleading and being honest and making efforts to communicate and to understand you and really being prince-fucking-A-charming, then great, there's hope, but if he's just letting this slip into oblivion by letting "water pass under the bridge" I would be hesitant to consider this a one time "Oopsy, I slipped on a banana peel, and I fell down, and my dick ended up inside her, how did that happen?"

Eh. That's very dangerous. They could be all kinds of charming and try really hard (they know how) and be a real sweetie but then, it is a hundred times harder to let go and think clearly and make the right choice for her. In the end ... is he sincere? Can she believe him? Does it make it forgivable? Will she be less hurt? Would his apology make up for what he did?

Haha, slipped on a banana.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

Hmmmm, if he acted this way then I would say that previous examinations of his actions have a good chance of being false, or are used very superficially. I.e. he is prince charming, sweet, considerate etc. only because he has motives to be this way. The motives? Trying to keep you from discovering his actions. That's how I see it.

 

[Jaguar]

Only the meanest of the mean...

Blasted gerbils!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[mochajava]

Ever heard of eternal blue balls?

Blue balls yes. Eternal blue balls? No. Enlighten me.

 

[Halla74]

Eh. That's very dangerous. They could be all kinds of charming and try really hard (they know how) and be a real sweetie but then, it is a hundred times harder to let go and think clearly and make the right choice for her. In the end ... is he sincere? Can she believe him? Does it make it forgivable? Will she be less hurt? Would his apology make up for what he did?

The point is that sometimes good people fuck up. And sometimes they do whatever is necessary to make things right. It's not a matter of an apology making up for what he did, that's just the start of it. Believe me, there is a steep hill to climb, especially in winning back the trust of a female INFJ. I know this first hand, because unfortunately after 8 years of a rocky marriage, I made that mistake. I came clean, and did what was needed to reconcile, and that is not a quick process.

But, if a guy is willing to do that, and stay the course, that is your indicator of whether or not he is sincere and honest about reconciliation. Are there sociopath fuck ups out there? Yes. Should they be shot? Yes. Does this guy sound like a douchebag? Absolutely. But does that mean every guy who has fucked up by being unfaithful is incapable of reconciling and making things right? Hell no.

It takes two to make things go right, and also two to make things go badly. Sometimes people are unfaithful because there is a void in their lives that is not being filled in their relationships. It's the wrong way to handle it, but it happens.

Women fuck off too, you know. My ex did that to me after me being a perfect boyfriend for 4 years. Did I give her another chance? Yup. Did she fuck up again? Yup. Did I ever speak to her again after that. NOPE.

These situations are not always as black and white as many would like to believe. The dynamics between two people in a romantic relationship are vast and unpredictable. Shit happens. Why it happened, and how it gets handled are the determining factors on whether or not things should continue.

The BF in the OP is just sitting on his ass doing nothing. He needs to get shit canned.

Haha, slipped on a banana.

Glad you like my humor.

Hmmmm, if he acted this way then I would say that previous examinations of his actions have a good chance of being false, or are used very superficially. I.e. he is prince charming, sweet, considerate etc. only because he has motives to be this way. The motives? Trying to keep you from discovering his actions. That's how I see it.

You are not a psychic who can see the thoughts, inclinations, and motivations of people in the past and present. But, you are entitled to an opinion. If everyone took this attitude toward people attempting to atone for their wrongdoings, then there would be no forgiveness, and the world would be an awfully horrible place. Think about that.

 

[highlander]

The point is that sometimes good people fuck up. And sometimes they do whatever is necessary to make things right. It's not a matter of an apology making up for what he did, that's just the start of it. Believe me, there is a steep hill to climb, especially in winning back the trust of a female INFJ. I know this first hand, because unfortunately after 8 years of a rocky marriage, I made that mistake. I came clean, and did what was needed to reconcile, and that is not a quick process.

But, if a guy is willing to do that, and stay the course, that is your indicator of whether or not he is sincere and honest about reconciliation. Are there sociopath fuck ups out there? Yes. Should they be shot? Yes. Does this guy sound like a douchebag? Absolutely. But does that mean every guy who has fucked up by being unfaithful is incapable of reconciling and making things right? Hell no.

It takes two to make things go right, and also two to make things go badly. Sometimes people are unfaithful because there is a void in their lives that is not being filled in their relationships. It's the wrong way to handle it, but it happens.

Women fuck off too, you know. My ex did that to me after me being a perfect boyfriend for 4 years. Did I give her another chance? Yup. Did she fuck up again? Yup. Did I ever speak to her again after that. NOPE.

These situations are not always as black and white as many would like to believe. The dynamics between two people in a romantic relationship are vast and unpredictable. Shit happens. Why it happened, and how it gets handled are the determining factors on whether or not things should continue.

Very well said.

 

[JoSunshine]

Personally, I'm not sure I could forgive someone for this kind of thing...even if I truely belived it was a one time lapse in judgement. I think the pain of being in thier presence would be too much for my heart to take.

Speaking from a more impartial stance. I think there are some people who make one horrible mistake and are worth forgiving. I think these people are the teeniest, tiniest of exceptions...one in a million. I actualy have a friend (INTJ I would guess) whose boyfriend (INTP I would guess) cheated on her about a year or two into their relationship. She forgave him, but she put a lot of distance between the two of them and he had to earn his way back in. Also, while she listened to the reasons why he cheated and tried to improve things that were in herr control she NEVER, NEVER took any kind of responsibility or blame for his cheating. He had to prove himself all over again and when she said "jump" he said "how high?" for a long time and if he hadn't I guarantee she whould have kicked his butt out the door so fast his head would have spun...and he knew it. They have been together for over 15 years now an married for about 10 of those years.

I think that forgivness is not wasted on the right person. But they also have to know that you are capable of leaving without looking back if they mess up again and there has to be consequences for their actions. Even then it is a risk. I could happen again. Only you are capable of knowing if he is worth that risk.

 

[Words of Ivory]

What kind of person would do something like that?

The kind of girls that like me, apparently.

 

[Jaguar]

The kind of girls that like me, apparently.

You will find the right one for you. It just takes time.

 

[Zarathustra]

What kind of person would do something like that?

The kind of girls that like me, apparently.

You will find the right one for you. It just takes time.

You also might want to start dating girls who don't like you...

But seriously, though, your story sounds pretty harsh.

Have you identified what about you seems to attract these kinds of women?

You might need to start evaluating what it is about the women you're attracted to/the women who are attracted to you that causes them to repeatedly do this...

 

[Tiltyred]

*exasperated* It's entirely possible it's not his fault, Zarathustra...

Re the OP, I think it's only worth trying to work it out if you have minor children and significant co-mingled funds; in other words, huge incentives.

 

[Zarathustra]

*exasperated* It's entirely possible it's not his fault, Zarathustra...

*not exasperated*

When did I say it was indubitably his fault? Moreover, when did I say it even was his fault?

What I did say is that, if it is a repeated occurrence, as he has said it is, it is very possible that something about him is attracting these kinds of women into his life: either he's choosing them, they're choosing him, or both.

That is not an outlandish suggestion.

It's Psychology 101...

 

[Tiltyred]

I read what you said. I'm not hard of reading.

 

[mochajava]

Halla: These situations are not always as black and white as many would like to believe. The dynamics between two people in a romantic relationship are vast and unpredictable. Shit happens. Why it happened, and how it gets handled are the determining factors on whether or not things should continue.

There is a lot of gray in the world... I agree.

 

[Words of Ivory]

Thanks for the defense Tilty, but I agree entirely with what Zarathustra is saying.

I tend to be involved in what can only be described as "alternative" cultures, and those often have a habit of being populated by crazy people. I'm also far too willing to be a "knight in shining armour" when people are hurting. That's probably not the best way to go about connecting with people. As someone else said to me, getting with insecure people can be a very bad idea.

This thread isn't about me though. I posted that stuff for the original poster's sake, as I felt she needed to hear something from someone whose been in the same circumstances. I really don't want to get into discussion with people about my personal problems. My insecurities are rampant enough without everyone else being aware of them.

I appreciate all the sentiments people have given me though. Thank you.

 

[quietmusician]

This is something I've been needing to get off my chest for a while. A few months ago (three days before my birthday actually) I awoke to a text message from a person I'm not all that close to telling me that my boyfriend cheated on me with one of his old roommates (I actually trusted him to live with three girls). Apparently this was about six months before I found out. Funny part was, I actually "inherited" all his female roommates at the beginning of the summer, and so was living with this girl when I found out. Needless to say, my world was turned upside down. I love my boyfriend fiercely; he's an INTP and we just 'click'. He's always treated me like a princess, he's respectful, he's even very physically/verbally affectionate, and this was the one thing I was almost 100% certain he'd never do. I felt like I almost lost my mind when this came about, I've never been betrayed by someone I love like this, I don't trust easily. I've actually never had much experience with any kind of drama. Anywho, our whole friend circle knew about it the whole time and no one told me. So not only did my "best friend"/lover betray me, but my whole social circle feels like a lie and no longer exists. I've come a long way from where I was, and I can feel the healing process at work. I guess I'm not asking for relationship advice because I've chosen to stay in the relationship, but what I'm really hoping for is a similar perspective, preferably from an INFJ, just to compare notes. I just feel so exhausted and lonely and have had no one "neutral" to talk to. Sorry this is so horrendously long, and thanks for reading all of it lol

I'm deeply sorry that this has happened to you. I do think that you need to leave if you end up thinking constantly about what had happened. It's not one of things that, I imagine, you can let go so quickly and easily. I also see the point of staying because that was seemingly his only fault. I had a bad breakup (if you can call it that) last year and it left me a bit bitter for a little while. And yet if that girl were to come back to me, I wouldn't even hesitate. Some people just reel you in and no matter what they stay with you.

No one can choose for you, but if you're still unsure about everything a month from now? Leave.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

You are not a psychic who can see the thoughts, inclinations, and motivations of people in the past and present. But, you are entitled to an opinion. If everyone took this attitude toward people attempting to atone for their wrongdoings, then there would be no forgiveness, and the world would be an awfully horrible place. Think about that.

Very true. It wasn't so much as 'don't forgive him' as perhaps question his past in order to gain more information. If he did it this time perhaps he did so before he just wasn't as 'thorough' this time as he was before. You are right though.

If she found out that this was the first time and he was serious about his devotion and he proved it, then there is no reason why she shouldn't forgive him. Just make him earn it, that's all.

 

[Rebe]

Personally, I'm not sure I could forgive someone for this kind of thing...even if I truely belived it was a one time lapse in judgement. I think the pain of being in thier presence would be too much for my heart to take.

Speaking from a more impartial stance. I think there are some people who make one horrible mistake and are worth forgiving. I think these people are the teeniest, tiniest of exceptions...one in a million. I actualy have a friend (INTJ I would guess) whose boyfriend (INTP I would guess) cheated on her about a year or two into their relationship. She forgave him, but she put a lot of distance between the two of them and he had to earn his way back in. Also, while she listened to the reasons why he cheated and tried to improve things that were in herr control she NEVER, NEVER took any kind of responsibility or blame for his cheating. He had to prove himself all over again and when she said "jump" he said "how high?" for a long time and if he hadn't I guarantee she whould have kicked his butt out the door so fast his head would have spun...and he knew it. They have been together for over 15 years now an married for about 10 of those years.

I think that forgivness is not wasted on the right person. But they also have to know that you are capable of leaving without looking back if they mess up again and there has to be consequences for their actions. Even then it is a risk. I could happen again. Only you are capable of knowing if he is worth that risk.

That's a touching story. I like the Jump, How High? part. And I agree with you, JoSunshine.

I see your point, Halla.

For me, integrity and loyalty are the two most important traits in a person. Personally, I have serious trust issues so it's very shaky grounds for me. My heart sort of creaks open...they don't fling open so once you have squeezed your way in, don't you mess up in there. I wouldn't recover. I am happy to hear that others have bigger hearts and are more willing to forgive - that warms my Fi.

Also...okay, so I haven't been the most loyal 'person' with the utmost integrity in the past. I messed up twice but in a different sort of scenarios. I would have liked to be forgiven both those times but I do also accept that I can't be forgiven. I knew exactly what I was doing as I am sure people who cheat do too. It is a process, you meet someone, you get your game on, you take off your pants...etc. Whether it was direct or indirect betrayal on my part, that doesn't matter, I did something ethically sketchy. So my point is while I would have liked to be forgiven and the relationship restored, I also accept that my actions were inexcusable and I ruined something good and hurt someone I loved. I sort of respect her for not forgiving me. I don't deserve to be forgiven. Did that make sense? I have since restored my loyalty/integrity.

 

[PsychedelicPlatypus]

Wow guys! Thanks for all the input! Gosh where to start...I guess the finer details would be nice...I'm pretty sure I know the story. I've demanded everyone tell me everything they know about it/ their feelings about it/why they did what they did, etc. He's recounted it countless times to me when asked, because once I get some theory or horrible idea stuck in my head I need him to explain to me in full detail why it's not true. So anyway, apparently they were all having this party at the house, everyone got really trashed, and she asked him...he said it was the worst decision of his life and he has promised over and over to do whatever it takes to make it better. He seems genuinely sorry to me, and I'm usually great at knowing when people are being sincere, except for this situation, obviously. BUT, thinking back I did notice that things were different and these ex friends of mine actually said I was mentioning things the week it happened to lead them to believe I knew about it...I just never gave it much thought because I trusted him... And the reason my "friends" never said anything is because they were all living together and were afraid they'd have issues with rent. The guy who sent me the text was actually the ex boyfriend (although now I think they are together again ) of the girl this happened with. They were having a fight and to get back at her, told me she slept with my boyfriend. Sorry this is so complicated...I'm actually embarrassed to post in as much detail as I already have, this being like crazy Jerry Springer stuff, but I have really really appreciated the sympathy guys. I haven't been dealt too much of that (except from my boyfriend actually). It makes things better for sure. I probably didn't cover everything (there were tons of posts!) but if other details are desired just ask. Thanks everyone

 

[PsychedelicPlatypus]

*and when I say "needs to explain in full detail why it's not true" I'm not talking about the facts of what happened: he's given me the same detailed story everytime, that matches and is more in depth than what I've heard from others. but sometimes I get horrible ideas of "what could have" happened and he reassures me of the facts