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[INFJ] Emotionally Shattered INFJ

PsychedelicPlatypus

New member
Joined
Aug 21, 2010
Messages
17
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
This is something I've been needing to get off my chest for a while. A few months ago (three days before my birthday actually) I awoke to a text message from a person I'm not all that close to telling me that my boyfriend cheated on me with one of his old roommates (I actually trusted him to live with three girls). Apparently this was about six months before I found out. Funny part was, I actually "inherited" all his female roommates at the beginning of the summer, and so was living with this girl when I found out. Needless to say, my world was turned upside down. I love my boyfriend fiercely; he's an INTP and we just 'click'. He's always treated me like a princess, he's respectful, he's even very physically/verbally affectionate, and this was the one thing I was almost 100% certain he'd never do. I felt like I almost lost my mind when this came about, I've never been betrayed by someone I love like this, I don't trust easily. I've actually never had much experience with any kind of drama. Anywho, our whole friend circle knew about it the whole time and no one told me. So not only did my "best friend"/lover betray me, but my whole social circle feels like a lie and no longer exists. I've come a long way from where I was, and I can feel the healing process at work. I guess I'm not asking for relationship advice because I've chosen to stay in the relationship, but what I'm really hoping for is a similar perspective, preferably from an INFJ, just to compare notes. I just feel so exhausted and lonely and have had no one "neutral" to talk to. Sorry this is so horrendously long, and thanks for reading all of it lol
 

ExAstrisSpes

New member
Joined
Aug 11, 2010
Messages
337
MBTI Type
ENFJ
I've chosen to stay in the relationship

Why?

Your situation sucks, and I'm sorry to hear about it. I'm not INFJ, but girl, if that happened to me, I would have been out of there. As much as I'd love having super-close friends and someone to cuddle with at night, it's not worth the price of my self-respect.

You deserve someone better for you! Someone who will treat you like a princess, AND not cheat on you! Who can give you everything you want and more!

DTMFA!
 

PsychedelicPlatypus

New member
Joined
Aug 21, 2010
Messages
17
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
That's been the general consensus I guess...it's all just very confusing because he's never done anything else wrong, and we've been together for over a year and half now. I feel like it would be going against what he...deserves? I know that sounds weird, and I'm not usually one to dish out second chances. Everything's cooled over for the most part, I'm not exploding in a terrible Fe hissy fit every other day anymore, it just still 'hurts'. I still realize all the good qualities he has, I still adore him, but this is always in the back of my mind going "Do you really think he's a good person? Look at what he did to you - is that acceptable moral behavior?" Of course it's not. But it is getting better, we're living together now because the girls I was living with, his old roommates, decided to break the lease...it's been a crazy, emotionally fucked up summer...
 

skylights

i love
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
7,756
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
aw :( :hug:

that sounds rough. but i like your avatar.

i would offer you a thought or two but i am notoriously bad in dealing with INTPs, lol
 

chelsea

New member
Joined
Aug 17, 2010
Messages
44
MBTI Type
INFJ
Why?

Your situation sucks, and I'm sorry to hear about it. I'm not INFJ, but girl, if that happened to me, I would have been out of there. As much as I'd love having super-close friends and someone to cuddle with at night, it's not worth the price of my self-respect.

You deserve someone better for you! Someone who will treat you like a princess, AND not cheat on you! Who can give you everything you want and more!

DTMFA!

I totally agree with this.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
He deserves better? I think you do. It's hard when there's a bunch of stuff all mixed in there. I haven't experienced someone cheating but I have experienced the man I loved for several years leading a double sort of life depending on who he was around. I found myself in much the same position as you socially and felt betrayed, alone and not sure who I could trust. Some of the things I thought I could trust most that he would never do, he did - lied to me, spoke disrespectfully about me to people neither of us were close to, appeared drunk to ride the plane and go to a business meeting, picked fights with people - all very uncharacteristic of what I thought was him. I don't expect you to listen to advice from strangers, but this really has bad written all over it. You teach people how to treat you. He's shown you the ultimate disrespect and life has gone on as usual. That tells him that you'll take whatever comes your way. I think INFJs are far too prone to giving people the benefit of the doubt or explaining away faults if we think we understand why it happened or if there are other good things happening. Sometimes you have to draw boundaries for other people and stick to them.
 

Rebe

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2009
Messages
1,431
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4sop
He deserves better? I think you do. It's hard when there's a bunch of stuff all mixed in there. I haven't experienced someone cheating but I have experienced the man I loved for several years leading a double sort of life depending on who he was around. I found myself in much the same position as you socially and felt betrayed, alone and not sure who I could trust. Some of the things I thought I could trust most that he would never do, he did - lied to me, spoke disrespectfully about me to people neither of us were close to, appeared drunk to ride the plane and go to a business meeting, picked fights with people - all very uncharacteristic of what I thought was him. I don't expect you to listen to advice from strangers, but this really has bad written all over it. You teach people how to treat you. He's shown you the ultimate disrespect and life has gone on as usual. That tells him that you'll take whatever comes your way. I think INFJs are far too prone to giving people the benefit of the doubt or explaining away faults if we think we understand why it happened or if there are other good things happening. Sometimes you have to draw boundaries for other people and stick to them.

Completely agree. You have the uttermost sympathy from me; it's awful that that happened to you and your friends didn't tell you, on top of your 'perfect' boyfriend cheating on you. To be blunt, you need better friends. The most important thing to me about a friendship is the presence of loyalty! What do you need friends for except to tell you what you should know/to have your back? Love is seriously blind. I think you need to think about what qualities you most value in a boyfriend, in a person, in someone you love and would want to spend your life with. I think you are staying in the relationship because it will hurt less but in the long-run, I think it will hurt much more.
 

Tiltyred

New member
Joined
Dec 1, 2008
Messages
4,322
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
468
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I have been in the same situation.

It's best if you end the relationship as soon as you are able. You're still in the denial stage. Be patient with yourself but work toward coming up out of denial.

It's important to focus on practicalities rather than your ideals, and this is the hardest thing to learn. Point of fact: leave a healthy young man in a room full of females long enough, and something is very likely to happen. It's important not to be insulted by reality, I hope that makes sense -- to think, Oh, he loves me, so that could never happen, because our love is so strong, etc. No. Refer back to point of fact and keep your focus there. If you stay in common sense rather than in your dreams, you are less likely to be disappointed.

People never know what the best thing to do is. If they saw you happy with him, how horrible to be the one to burst your bubble, and for what, because he does seem to care for you, right? if you do a poll "would you tell/wouldn't you tell" equally well-intentioned people will answer differently and give good reasons.

It's entirely possible your boyfriend does in fact love you but is not ready to be monogamous. Even if he believes he is. When he's tempted, he can't withstand the temptation. You have to decide how you feel about that.

(((((Hugs)))))
 

Immaculate Cloud

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
143
MBTI Type
INFJ
@Platypus,

with friends like these, who needs enemies???

So what are you now? Some fragile piece of China that will break if, " God forbid, she ever learned of her dear boyfriend's 'momentary lapse in judgment' " Cheating is cheating and if so early on, you let that one go, as if it was no big deal, you might as well placard 'doormat' on your brow.

What are you aiming for? Sainthood? You deserve better respect, lady!

There was a thread about 'dealbreakers'. So, figure out what are the 'non-negotiables' (for me, that would be no lying, no deception, no cheating) and 'negotiables'.

Cheating, or a bit on the side simply ain't negotiables with me!

Take it or leave it from a stranger.

Very pissed-off INFJ.
 

PeaceBaby

reborn
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
5,950
MBTI Type
N/A
Enneagram
N/A
Did you actually ask him if it was true, that he had cheated on you?

Did you talk to him about how that made you feel?

Or has it remained highly suspected but unproven, unspoken?
 
E

Epiphany

Guest
That's been the general consensus I guess...it's all just very confusing because he's never done anything else wrong, and we've been together for over a year and half now. I feel like it would be going against what he...deserves?

He's not the one who came out and told you that he cheated. A friend sent you a text message. How do you know he hasn't cheated on you with other women that your friends are completely unaware of?

You teach people how to treat you. He's shown you the ultimate disrespect and life has gone on as usual. That tells him that you'll take whatever comes your way.

I agree.

You should pamper him one day, get him all aroused, then leave him hanging and never come back.
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
MBTI Type
INfp
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
People never know what the best thing to do is. If they saw you happy with him, how horrible to be the one to burst your bubble, and for what, because he does seem to care for you, right? if you do a poll "would you tell/wouldn't you tell" equally well-intentioned people will answer differently and give good reasons.

Agreed. I think it'd be worth asking her friends why they didn't tell her. They may have genuinely meant well enough. For example, I'm a pretty damn loyal friend, but in that situation there's a 75% chance I keep my mouth shut.
 

mochajava

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Messages
475
MBTI Type
INFJ
Also - did the friend who DID tell you have some other reason to do it? And why by text message? I feel vicariously angry!
 

mochajava

New member
Joined
Jul 28, 2010
Messages
475
MBTI Type
INFJ
^Is that really the worst revenge you can take, as opposed to simply dumping/leaving him?
 

strawberries

shadow boxer
Joined
Apr 20, 2010
Messages
947
MBTI Type
----
hullo new infj monotreme

i'm not an infj, but i was cheated on once (that i know about) and i left. i was brutal in my leaving and i savagely tore him down verbally and made him cry.

i didn't regret leaving for a moment and i don't regret the ugly things i said to him. this will keep eating at you. take control of it.

BTW - your platypus avatar is quite delightful.

best wishes
strawberries.
 

Lily flower

New member
Joined
Jun 28, 2010
Messages
930
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your friends probably didn't tell you because they didn't want to be the ones to hurt you. But of course, that logic doesn't work, because that hurt you even more.

From what I have heard, cheaters will always be cheaters. You deserve better.
 

highlander

Administrator
Staff member
Joined
Dec 23, 2009
Messages
26,562
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Yes it's happened to me and I forgave them. Won't get into the details.
 

sulfit

New member
Joined
Aug 5, 2010
Messages
495
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
If you stay in a relationship with a cheater, the fact that he is untrustworthy will gnaw on you deep down inside forever. It is like an ulcer that never heals. For INFJs trust is a key issue in any relationship. Once somebody deals a huge blow to it like sleeping with somebody else behind your back, our trust just doesn't recoil with same strength and relationship remains damaged for a long, long time. On surface you might tell yourself that you have forgiven him, that everything is fine now, that it was in the past, that he is so nice and charming with you now, but deep down inside you will always remember this incident. Come any future offenses from him, the memory will surface up and you will say "I told myself so and it was stupid to stay".

This is not to mention that I think cheaters should be made to suffer consequences of their behavior. Not out of hatred and malice of the victim but simply because otherwise they will morally degrade, start thinking that is wasn't such a big deal after all. This makes them more likely to cheat again in the future and likely to hurt more people if they aren't made to go through the negative consequences of their behavior.
 
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