[INFJ] INFJ Epiphanies

[MrRandom]

I had a date with another INFJ. He's also the first INFJ I know, so I was super excited! Although I think we're just friends for now (sad, he's so amazing), I ended up learning so much about myself that I'm currently suffering and enjoying from an epiphany. Two INFJs on a date... intense!

He thought I might be a bit too passive for him, taking myself too seriously, and not being adventurous enough (he's more balanced/healthy INFJ). I wasn't pushing him into any direction, so to speak, and that's not very inspiring for anyone. I was thinking that myself, too, as I slowly started to realize how he's taking lead while I'm basically saying "no" to the things he suggested. For example, he wanted to go for a swim, but I slowly kind of shot the idea down. I should have just gone swimming with him and be excited about it and have fun. Period.

But I have fears. Lots of them. I decided to write down all the fears that limit my life in some way. I ended up with a list of twenty fears. Seeing them all at once, I was almost shocked, and I realized that they are seriously limiting me and making me miserable. I have been thinking about my fears/limitations every now and then one at a time, but I have never analyzed all of them as a complete system. Doing that, I realized all of them come down to either perfectionism or neuroticism.

I'm still processing all of this, but I'll have to find a way to overcome all these issues of perfectionism and neuroticism. I believe these traits are also part (to some degree) of being an INFJ, so I wonder, will I lose myself in the process?

My life hasn't been good over the past couple of years and it has only been getting worse, which makes this experience all the more powerful. I feel like this could be a turning point... I feel like an "angel" (I'm not religious, hehe) in the shape of an INFJ came to rescue me from a dark pit... and now it's up to me to make the necessary changes. (Just too bad I couldn't catch that angel and make him my boyfriend! )

Any thoughts? Can other INFJs or NFs relate to this? Has anyone gone through this kind of epiphanies and become more healthy? Are epiphanies common for INFJs? I sometimes have these kind of moments of vision and pure energy and really change my life with them, but this is the biggest one I've had so far. How to overcome fears? How to deal with perfectionism? I guess it's just little steps. And I already took one today, yay...

 

[Phantonym]

I sometimes have these kind of moments of vision and pure energy and really change my life with them

Yup. Been there, done that.

 

[Onceajoan]

More than anything else I think it's important to NOT be hard on yourself -- that is don't beat yourself up about what you "should" have done (such as gone for a swim. You obviously made a choice NOT to swim at that moment. What purpose does it serve to beat yourself up about it later?). There's a lot of books out there about perfectionism (I think one is called Never Good Enough). I found it very helpful. One thing about us perfectionists is that we're constantly on a self improvement project. Some of this can be good as we find ways to grow and evolve as a person. We become healthier and potentially more fullfilled on life. However, I think, if we spend too much time and energy trying to become our 'perfect self' we lose our ability to live in the present and enjoy the life we have. Ironically, I think the more we focus on self improvement projects the further removed we get from life we want to live. The key is letting go of expectations of ourselves and others. This includes forcing outcomes. I also find as I'm less hard on myself, I'm less hard (and judgmental) of others. I'm still working on all this stuff.

 

[DJAchtundvierzig]

I agree with Onceajoan, don't be too hard on yourself. Thinking about things that went wrong and replaying them over and over in your head will just make you stressed. Although INFJs are Fs we tend to think alot. And with our perfectionism this can hinder us alot, but don't let that get in your way. Keep thinking of the positive and focus less on the negative, we can't change the past anyway right?

 

[tibby]

Yes, I relate.

Like many others have pointed out, perfectionism has its ups and downs, but overall, if you think you're constantly moving forward nevertheless (no matter what it is), that might help. All of these realizations and inspiring moments will be of use to you, and bring you further fulfillment if you allow it. I think I'd actually lose a sense of purpose if I hadn't those "epiphanies" and inspirations that will be transformed into visions and goals -- development is all the point I see...

Maybe it also helps to sometimes stop and look at the past and then look at the present, that will show you the change that you might've overlooked with your future-focus / perfectionistic tendencies. Patting yourself to the back for what you've accomplished already can be extremely motivating.

I think I am in a constant quest of ... eh, self-development to become more healthy AND fulfilled. Are the things that keep me from being who I could be because of out of fears or perfectionism, actually worth all the fuss? I think not. Just my neuroses, that other people couldn't in a million years believe could be problems. But just acknowledging them, accepting them makes a difference, because then I can do something about them. Challenging myself doesn't always feel nice as it's more about pattern breaking, and goes against my very "backbone" sometimes that might feel like my "truest nature" but what it actually is, is a cage.

I'm still processing all of this, but I'll have to find a way to overcome all these issues of perfectionism and neuroticism. I believe these traits are also part (to some degree) of being an INFJ, so I wonder, will I lose myself in the process?

Maybe you're overthinking it? Could you try and see what happens? Does overcoming these issues make you happier, or less?

I sometimes have these kind of moments of vision and pure energy

Wow, what a great way to put it.

and really change my life with them, but this is the biggest one I've had so far. How to overcome fears? How to deal with perfectionism? I guess it's just little steps. And I already took one today, yay...

And that IS huge! Maybe they're all the little steps over time we forget to give all ourselves credit for.

And think about all the things you have already learnt! Meeting people that inspire us is pretty awesome. Are you still friends with him?

 

[MrRandom]

Thanks guys!

For the longest time I've been thinking: I'm happy with who I am as a person, but I'm not happy with how my life is.

A while ago I realized: That's a paradox. It's me who is running my life. My life situations are caused by me. How could I be happy with myself if end up steering myself into unhappy situations? The faults lie within me. I must change first and the rest will follow.

For example, I've been unemployed for quite some time already. I have a good education and I'm bright and capable. I just haven't been trying hard enough to find a job in my city (I'm an avoider, and I'm afraid/neurotic about how would I do in a new job) and I have turned down the options that would have required me to move (another fear/neurosis: moving, especially to a new city). Anyway, this is just one of the things that I have to realize and change my behavior accordingly. A job will follow...

Are you still friends with him?

He implied he really wanted to be friends with me. I have no reason not to trust him, we were so open to each other anyway. It's just that it's still a rather fresh thing and certain awkwardness is bound to exist for a while. We'll see...

I agree with Onceajoan, don't be too hard on yourself. Thinking about things that went wrong and replaying them over and over in your head will just make you stressed.

Although I tend to do that a lot (in this case too), this epiphany is not about my mistakes with this guy. I desire change myself, for myself, to become a more healthy and balanced individual.