[MBTI General] anytips for entp with an infj??

[cless986]

Though I may be a guy, this particular INFJ does need the occasional unrequested reminder of affection from a partner... it can be the tiniest thing (from a surprise long hug on up) so long as it comes out of the blue without having been sought after. INFJs are inextricably tied to authenticity, and whenever we have to SEEK OUT attention, we come away afraid that we would not have gotten any otherwise, and that the attention we got was simply toleration wearing a smile.

Wow, good info. . I shall send her some flowers to surprise her

 

[Affably Evil]

I think above all focus on sincerity. If you do things with goals and expectations (if I do x, y will result) she will feel stressed and pressured to produce y, even if she doesn't want to. However, if you act sincerely polite to her sister, listen to her, and try to make the relationship between you and her smooth for your girlfriend's sake, your girlfriend will definitely pick up on it an appreciate it.

For me, the less explicitly said, the better. If you told me "I took the three of us out to lunch so that you'd know I was trying to get along with your sister," I'd take that as an expectation that I had to in turn give something to you. But if you just do nice things for her to show her you think about her and care about her without trying to prompt a verbal reaction from her, she might appreciate the gifts and attention more because they don't have some kind of hidden expectation attached.

Also sometimes someone telling me how I feel or think, even if it's to show me that they understand me, can be tricky. If they're wrong, it seems like they have some kind of image of me that I don't relate to at all and they don't understand me or how I work. If they're right, it makes me feel exposed and vulnerable, but sometimes deeply touched. So be careful about that.

Maybe this is too cautious, but I'd frame my guesses in the form of a question and then ask her to confirm it, like: "Is it because of x?" "Do you feel y about it?" If you're right, it gives her the opportunity to elaborate, but if you're wrong LISTEN to her explanation/clarification why (even if you disagree). Don't ever just tell her how she feels or why she feels it, even if that's how you're framing your guess, because she's the only one who can really know that and if you don't listen to her she'll think you don't care about her or knowing the "real" her that she doesn't show everyone.

Surprise gifts with no strings attached are very nice, so is doing nice things for her and her family, since oftentimes family (moreso if they're close) can be an extension of the inner self for the infj. One of her big concerns is how you're going to mesh with that, so the more you show that you're aware of that/have care about that the better in my opinion.

 

[Rachel]

Though I may be a guy, this particular INFJ does need the occasional unrequested reminder of affection from a partner... it can be the tiniest thing (from a surprise long hug on up) so long as it comes out of the blue without having been sought after. INFJs are inextricably tied to authenticity, and whenever we have to SEEK OUT attention, we come away afraid that we would not have gotten any otherwise, and that the attention we got was simply toleration wearing a smile.

Quite true.

Be careful with the arguing -- don't get wrapped up in an argument that you start getting aggressive about just because your adrenaline is up. Also be careful with the criticizing. Don't nitpick. INFJ really does not like to argue and takes it more seriously than entp does.

Agree

 

[cascadeco]

But I don't want to lose her... I try to be myself, and I enjoy making her laugh,
but we have many disagreements, any tips for me? to make our relationship last? maybe to marriage?

I don't know if she is smothering me or constricted by her, but she has asked the exact question. "Do you feel I am forcing you to change? And I replied: I dont know...., yeah, I use that phrase a lot now, I dont know, I dont know, because, I dont want to say something she may not like, I know that I shouldnt be that clingy, but dont know what to do... I really lover her....

Well... Her favorite phrase is "you dont understand what I am saying to you" i dont understand what she is means with that :S. I mean, she says that phrase when I try to explain to her the way she thinks or the reasons of why she does something... I know is wrong to overanalize her... But I thought she will like someone who understands her... I dont know what to do... I am doing well behaving like her psychologist? Or what do you recommend me to do?? If i figure her true feelings... What I do then?

Oh my. I'm glad you really like this girl and want to make it work, but I do get the feeling you're getting lost in the feelings of all of it, and are idealizing her (not that I haven't been guilty of this too)... most notably evident in the OP, when you actually cite marriage.

Also, in the second quote above, I'm not certain whether you're *really* listening to her without projecting your own ideas into how she operates. It just seems strange that you're 'trying to explain to her the way she thinks' - how exactly is that possible? You can explain how she comes across to you, but if she's actually telling you you're not understanding what she's saying, then it seems you're not listening as well as you could.

Finally... what's coming across to me from all of your posts is your trying to bend over backwards to please her, and to make her like you. Your wanting to know the 'right' way to do things, the right role to play/person to be so as to be appealing to her. I have to be honest, this sort of thing really turns me off, personally... feeling like the other person is trying to change their natural self in some way to appease me. It just seems...inauthentic. Now granted, there is a certain level of meeting each other halfway in any healthy relationship... working at differences and bridging those communication gaps so as to meet both peoples' needs, but ... I dunno. If you can't feel comfortable being yourself around her, and are trying to 'play psychologist' or whatnot, she might feel like you're not being the real YOU. And may not trust in the relationship or in her sense of who you are, if 'who you are' right now equates to 'who you think she wants you to be'.

I think that if you two are truly a good match, and you both love each other and care for one another, then you should both be able to be yourselves, naturally, without having to worry so much about whether you're doing or saying the right thing. Just stay true to who you are, continue getting to know her better, slow down a bit, enjoy each other, and work to understand each other better over time.

 

[cless986]

But she DO really want me to change, She says if I feel that she is forcing me, we should end our relationship... Mostly the things she complain about are my recklessness, lack of empathy, etc (common entp issues) so I dont think she wants to change my core personality, just want me to improve and get rid of bad habits... An another question too; do infj likes clingy people? Should I need to stay as the "dominant" partner? So can the relationship works?

 

[cascadeco]

^I feel for you, as it seems you really like her, without wanting to change her. However, if your infj, after only a month, is citing many things about you that she doesn't care for and that she doesn't really want, or can't accept, out of a you (out of a partner), then I am really not sure you're what she's wanting. It really doesn't seem fair to you, honestly, if she's harping on various things about you that she doesn't really like. Do YOU want to be with someone who views you that way? I agree everyone can improve in some ways and become more well-rounded, but seriously, after only a month.....

I think you should take a step back and assess the relationship as a whole. You're still asking how you should 'Be' in order to be acceptable to her. That doesn't seem like a good recipe for a healthy relationhship. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

 

[ItsAGuy]

mm... good point. If you are going to change, it should be for YOU, not for her. As smitten as you are now, later on you may come to reset having to be something you aren't designed to, and all just for another person.

 

[Fenekk]

But she DO really want me to change, She says if I feel that she is forcing me, we should end our relationship... Mostly the things she complain about are my recklessness, lack of empathy, etc (common entp issues) so I dont think she wants to change my core personality, just want me to improve and get rid of bad habits... An another question too; do infj likes clingy people? Should I need to stay as the "dominant" partner? So can the relationship works?

I'm going to say from the perspective of an INFJ female who has been "clung to" by a male, that the answer is absolutely NO. It might just be me, but despite how I feel that men and women should have equal roles, I don't like it when a guy is clingy. The concept of being "clingy" is an extreme - It's okay to be sensitive and develop your Feeling side more (and it sounds like you should), but don't become overly dependent. You're a guy, man, you should act like one, right? Personally, I like guys who are independent, but who can put that aside every once in a while to care about you. Don't rely on your INFJ girlfriend's affection (because it is probably far-between, and if you do, you will probably not get what you think you need).

 

[cless986]

Well, actually is 2 months now , I try not to be clingy, for example, not always answering her or make fun of her, etc, I know that you need to be the "man" and be the dominant one, to make her attracted to me... I know that... But everyday is harder to control myself, thinking and obssesing too much about her... This is the thing that ruins the relationship? Right?

 

[sulfit]

how old are you and how old is she if not a secret?

 

[Fenekk]

Well, actually is 2 months now , I try not to be clingy, for example, not always answering her or make fun of her, etc, I know that you need to be the "man" and be the dominant one, to make her attracted to me... I know that... But everyday is harder to control myself, thinking and obssesing too much about her... This is the thing that ruins the relationship? Right?

... Uhm, what? What does that have to do with being "clingy"?

You should not ignore her when she asks you questions and you shouldn't EVER make fun of her. INFJs can take that very personally.

how old are you and how old is she if not a secret?

I'm with Sulfit; I want to know how old the two of you are.

 

[ExAstrisSpes]

Though I may be a guy, this particular INFJ does need the occasional unrequested reminder of affection from a partner... it can be the tiniest thing (from a surprise long hug on up) so long as it comes out of the blue without having been sought after. INFJs are inextricably tied to authenticity, and whenever we have to SEEK OUT attention, we come away afraid that we would not have gotten any otherwise, and that the attention we got was simply toleration wearing a smile.

I'm really new to the whole typology thing, but I have to say this is true of ENFJ's too. I can't speak for other xNFJs, but I've come to discover I really like a lot of affection, way more than the "norm", and sometimes I feel insecure when I'm always seeking out attention. The littlest things will keep the "green light" on.

I'm currently in a relationship that is also about 2 months old, and this fellow (INTP) isn't nearly as in touch with his emotional side as I am (obviously). But he'll do little affectionate things like kiss me on the neck when I'm not looking that lets me know I'm not overloading him. I think it also helps that I ask him about it from time to time. "Is everything OK between us? If you feel uncomfortable around me please let me know what I can do to make things better." (Not that I wouldn't pick up his discomfort, but knowing he's uncomfortable and not knowing what I can do to make things better makes me uncomfortable)

But she DO really want me to change, She says if I feel that she is forcing me, we should end our relationship... Mostly the things she complain about are my recklessness, lack of empathy, etc (common entp issues) so I dont think she wants to change my core personality, just want me to improve and get rid of bad habits... An another question too; do infj likes clingy people? Should I need to stay as the "dominant" partner? So can the relationship works?

I think you're trying way too hard and making things really difficult. People are not going to change unless the motivation comes from within. Sure, a smoker can say he was inspired to quit smoking because his girlfriend wanted him to, but if/when the relationship dissolves, he'll probably resent that she controlled him to do that. If that makes sense.

I think the real question is, what do you want? Are you happy with you the way you are? Or do you feel she has a point?

The whole dominant/submissive thing is another one of those things that is fairly innate. I don't think it's something you can change. If you're dominant because you feel that's what is expected of you, and you're really submissive, I don't think being dominant is going to be something you can keep up with for very long.