[ENFJ] ENFJs and BFFs/Companions

[gromit]

Do you always need a BFF/companion in your life? Not physically with you always, but in general, a presence in your life. I only know 2 in real life but I have observed this... it is very intense, and they both seem to just find new people when the old one becomes unavailable. I'm wondering if it's a coincidence or not.

 

[JoSunshine]

I do always have very close friends, but it's not a revolving door. I consider myself more of a "forever friend". I've been friends with my ESFJ BFF since I was a teenager (17 years), my two other close friends (ENTJ, ISTP) for 7 years and I consider my sister (ESFJ) to be one of my best friends for the past 10 years or so.

That being said there have been a number of people who I have been friends with for a few months or years here and there, but ended the friendships when they became more detrimental than productive.

 

[angell_m]

I'm an INFP and I got two people I've known for the longest time. Since I was six, and
since I was 13. The rest is just, there, in case I need a party to go to >.> which I don't.

 

[Chill]

I'm probably derailing slightly, but how do you differentiate your BFFs from your SO?

 

[Unkindloving]

I would say so.

Personally, I don't tend to refer to anyone as a 'BFF' or a best friend. However, I do seek out close friendships that are much deeper than surface level. I need to be social to feel satiated, but it's useless for me to keep acquaintances.
There is a certain "friend for life" undertone to my interactions, so I look for something that can live up to that mutually.

With ENFJs, we're a lot of give. Usually, the people we give to are a lot of take. I wouldn't say we expect others to give to us, but it's what we hope for. It's not surprising for us to seek it out and cling to it. Very precious stuff there .

 

[gromit]

With ENFJs, we're a lot of give. Usually, the people we give to are a lot of take. I wouldn't say we expect others to give to us, but it's what we hope for. It's not surprising for us to seek it out and cling to it. Very precious stuff there .

Can you elaborate what you mean by this? Do you feel like people are making demands on your emotions a lot and that it's rare when somebody just lets you 'be'?

I'm probably derailing slightly, but how do you differentiate your BFFs from your SO?

I'd say sexual interest/expression on the side of both parties... physical intimacy brings about a different quality of emotional/psychological intimacy too somehow.

 

[Unkindloving]

Can you elaborate what you mean by this? Do you feel like people are making demands on your emotions a lot and that it's rare when somebody just lets you 'be'?

Basically, yes.
It can be an emotionally exhausting one-way street a lot of the time. We'll expend our emotional energy to help others, but they will rarely expend their emotional energy in return.
It can turn into a very self-sacrificing event, which is why we like consistent, deep friendships. Someone expending their energy back to us and being there when we need them is treasured. Also, somewhat hard to come by.
It's also about respect. Respecting one's need to self-preserve is an amazing quality that a lot of people have missed the boat on.

 

[Sparrow]

Do you always need a BFF/companion in your life? Not physically with you always, but in general, a presence in your life. I only know 2 in real life but I have observed this... it is very intense, and they both seem to just find new people when the old one becomes unavailable. I'm wondering if it's a coincidence or not.

I have a couple best friends, but they arent always around. There are times when we separate and do our own thing for a while, sometimes as long as 2 years. But we always remain best friends and hook back up later . Its not that easy to consider or find a new best friend/life long friend, so I definitely cherish the ones I have. I may be an ENFJ but Im okay to be alone sometimes, sometimes I prefer it .

 

[gromit]

Basically, yes.
It can be an emotionally exhausting one-way street a lot of the time. We'll expend our emotional energy to help others, but they will rarely expend their emotional energy in return.
It can turn into a very self-sacrificing event, which is why we like consistent, deep friendships. Someone expending their energy back to us and being there when we need them is treasured. Also, somewhat hard to come by.
It's also about respect. Respecting one's need to self-preserve is an amazing quality that a lot of people have missed the boat on.

Okay I think this makes sense to me, theoretically and in terms of my ENFJs. One more question, when you refer to self-preservation, are you referring to the ENFJ's need?

Have you ever found your 'deep' friends becoming exhausted by your intensity?

 

[Antimony]

I had an ENFJ BFF once...but the entire time I knew him he really liked me, and then he completely cut me out of his life once he got a girlfriend.

 

[Hate]

Do you always need a BFF/companion in your life? Not physically with you always, but in general, a presence in your life. I only know 2 in real life but I have observed this... it is very intense, and they both seem to just find new people when the old one becomes unavailable. I'm wondering if it's a coincidence or not.

I wouldn't necessarily say that I need to have BFF's in my life, but it has definitely been a blessing to have them. My friends help me out a great deal and they're pretty much the only family I have. These are my life long friends and they're not expendable.

I do have a wide variety of acquaintances though. I wouldn't consider them expendable, but they could easily be replaced.

Then there's people that I have an instant connection with and I work at buiding a relationship with. I wouldn't consider these people easily replaceable because there's such an instant connection that I would like to turn it into a lifelong friendship.

As an ENFJ, it is fairly easy for me to make friends though. So I can see how the two that you know are able to do what you describe.

 

[Unkindloving]

Okay I think this makes sense to me, theoretically and in terms of my ENFJs. One more question, when you refer to self-preservation, are you referring to the ENFJ's need?

Have you ever found your 'deep' friends becoming exhausted by your intensity?

ENFJs do have to respect other people's need to self-preserve, but the ENFJ need is strong due to how clouded our ability to help ourselves can be. If others demand of us, we'll put ourselves on the backburner, unless we've already learned not to.
I've mainly dealt with a lot of people who wanted my time and advice, but couldn't recognize what time I needed for myself.

My closest friends have definitely been exhausted every now and then. I can easily dominate conversation and mood, but I'll feel it out a good deal and adjust accordingly.
I have an ENFJ friend who is excessively intense, very sensitive, doesn't have self-awareness, and doesn't respect self-preservation. She's going to have a lot more trouble when it comes to deep relationships because of those things.
This is where ENFJs have to learn to be more aware of themselves and how much they are taking from someone when given the chance.

Amusingly enough, my closest friendships now are with xNFPs. We're of the same NF family, but still quite opposite. There's always a lot to learn from and teach one another. A good relationship between the pair will be open enough to say "You are putting too much forward" or "You are holding too much back"

 

[Sparrow]

I had an ENFJ BFF once...but the entire time I knew him he really liked me, and then he completely cut me out of his life once he got a girlfriend.

I don’t think this is a just an ENFJ thing, I see this happens with a lot of different personality types

 

[gromit]

I have an ENFJ friend who is excessively intense, very sensitive, doesn't have self-awareness, and doesn't respect self-preservation. She's going to have a lot more trouble when it comes to deep relationships because of those things.
This is where ENFJs have to learn to be more aware of themselves and how much they are taking from someone when given the chance.

Do you think this is a typical thing that ENFJs develop as they mature? How old are you/your friend?

Sorry if it feels like I am grilling you!

 

[Unkindloving]

Do you think this is a typical thing that ENFJs develop as they mature? How old are you/your friend?

Sorry if it feels like I am grilling you!

The grilling is fine, as long as i'm medium well.

It does come from maturing and life experience. If an ENFJ observes enough or is burned enough, they tend to turn inward. It has to go through an external source to be recognized and then utilized. It's like sifting through social situations and other's issues to find pieces of our inner core. We need to be reclusive to examine which to keep, before we set out on another social mission. Some ENFJs are either stuck in an unhealthy self analyzation loop or can't escape external analyzation.

We're both 22.
My ENFJ friend has been stuck in the self analyzation loop, due to a lack of social situations. She hasn't been piecing her puzzle together to fix herself, basically because she lacks the sources.
I've always been socially involved and have been burned for it a lot in the past. Over time, I learned how to escape external analyzation more often. There has to be a balance to function efficiently
Apparently, ENFJs are now machines

 

[JoSunshine]

Basically, yes.
It can be an emotionally exhausting one-way street a lot of the time. We'll expend our emotional energy to help others, but they will rarely expend their emotional energy in return.
It can turn into a very self-sacrificing event, which is why we like consistent, deep friendships. Someone expending their energy back to us and being there when we need them is treasured. Also, somewhat hard to come by.
It's also about respect. Respecting one's need to self-preserve is an amazing quality that a lot of people have missed the boat on.

The mutual give and take is a common theme in my deep friendships. Also, to the nay sayers - take note there is an ENTJ and two ESFJs on that list. Good, caring, kind people come in all types Just had to point that out.

 

[skylights]

Basically, yes.
It can be an emotionally exhausting one-way street a lot of the time. We'll expend our emotional energy to help others, but they will rarely expend their emotional energy in return.
It can turn into a very self-sacrificing event, which is why we like consistent, deep friendships. Someone expending their energy back to us and being there when we need them is treasured. Also, somewhat hard to come by.
It's also about respect. Respecting one's need to self-preserve is an amazing quality that a lot of people have missed the boat on.

ENFJs do have to respect other people's need to self-preserve, but the ENFJ need is strong due to how clouded our ability to help ourselves can be. If others demand of us, we'll put ourselves on the backburner, unless we've already learned not to.
I've mainly dealt with a lot of people who wanted my time and advice, but couldn't recognize what time I needed for myself.

My closest friends have definitely been exhausted every now and then. I can easily dominate conversation and mood, but I'll feel it out a good deal and adjust accordingly.
I have an ENFJ friend who is excessively intense, very sensitive, doesn't have self-awareness, and doesn't respect self-preservation. She's going to have a lot more trouble when it comes to deep relationships because of those things.
This is where ENFJs have to learn to be more aware of themselves and how much they are taking from someone when given the chance.

Amusingly enough, my closest friendships now are with xNFPs. We're of the same NF family, but still quite opposite. There's always a lot to learn from and teach one another. A good relationship between the pair will be open enough to say "You are putting too much forward" or "You are holding too much back"

this is so interesting to read! one of my closest friends right now is an ENFJ. oddly i used to feel like i put more into the friendship than she did, but recently i've come to recognize that much of this is related with Fi-Fe differences. we take care of one another in different ways.

i think i've learned a ton from her (and hopefully she has been able to take away from our friendship too), especially about respect and taking care of oneself. part of why i used to feel like she didn't care was that she would attend to herself before me, while i attended to us both equally. i didn't understand that she simply assumed that i would prefer to take care of myself, lol! she encourages me to take better care of myself physically while i encourage her to take better care of herself emotionally. i think (though not to be assuming) that she has taken from me a greater deal of open trust and simple optimism.

and i totally agree with you about a good NF balance. she's the one to point out "you're putting too much forward" and i'm the one to point out "you're holding too much back." we also keep up with each other well even though we're not currently in the same place, which i really appreciate and don't get from a lot of other friends. we don't have anything really holding us together anymore, but i don't see our friendship fading away either, which is wonderful to me.

 

[Ethelred the Unready]

Do you always need a BFF/companion in your life? Not physically with you always, but in general, a presence in your life. I only know 2 in real life but I have observed this... it is very intense, and they both seem to just find new people when the old one becomes unavailable. I'm wondering if it's a coincidence or not.

I've always had a 'presence' in my life, somebody I can call 'my best friend'. But I have to admit that I''ve had different friends in the course of my life. I guess I was too intense for them and ...there was always another person wanting to be my friend. So I'm guilty as charged of 'finding new people when the old one becomes unavailable'.

Saying that, I've only recently realized that I was all about 'giving' and not 'taking'. I've always bent my life and adjusted my decisions around what other people wanted...I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that, but better late than never

I'm hoping to change and 'harden' myself and to rekindle my last 'best friendship' back into its proper form

 

[violaine]

I've been the BFF of two different ENFJs. I had an intense bond with each and still love them both dearly but life took us in different directions. I seem to have a special place in my heart for ENFJ women. They are wonderful.

 

[Arclight]

Do you always need a BFF/companion in your life? Not physically with you always, but in general, a presence in your life. I only know 2 in real life but I have observed this... it is very intense, and they both seem to just find new people when the old one becomes unavailable. I'm wondering if it's a coincidence or not.

As long as I know I live in one person's heart.. I can go long times without meaningful contact. If I lose the one heart though.. I think I would die.