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[ENFP] Do ENFPs ever "settle" and can they be content once they do?

Amargith

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Despite my rep here, I've been happy and faithful to my INTJ for over 10 years. When I met him, I knew I'd be hardpressed to ever find someone who'd love me and accept me as unconditionally as he does. And he is the *only* stable thing in my life, something I very much treasure as it provides shelter from the chaos that is my life at times.

I will admit, as I am very much driven to connecting with people, that the intensity rush you get from meeting someone new,and it clicks really well, is...tempting. But I've yet to meet another man who can give me what he does and it becomes harder every year as we've build up a beautiful life together, and a very strong and sound relationship. And I would never be able to live with myself if I hurt him in any way. Though I've met other men that can make my heart beat faster for a while, and I enjoy that feeling, I recognize it for what it is: a fleeting feeling, in no way able to compete with the feelings I continuously have for him ;)

So, the answer to your question is 'yes', imo.

The answer to the question: 'will she ever stop scanning the horizon?', in my case, is no, as it's in my nature to constantly search new opportunities and experiences in *everything* In this case though, I mostly do it to learn more about who he is as well as who men are in general ;)
 

Vamp

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If I settle it'd better be for money. :p I'm only half joking with that, the only way I'd "settle" is if it were something that I needed really badly. And I'm not talking romantically, either: I'm thinking a business partnership. I'm not a romantic person, I find it suffocating therefore, relationships don't do the things I need them to do for me. Of course, I'm 22 and self centered or something like that.
 

alcea rosea

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So my question is: How easy is it for ENFPs to settle contentedly into a relationship and give up their "wonderlust"? Is it possible that this type just isn't meant for being confined to an exclusive relationship?

Yes, it's possible. I've been in the same relationship for the last 16 years and I have never been unfaithful. It's just a matter of deciding to do so.

I can explore possibilities elsewhere than with relationship, e.g in the life of work, developing myself, decorating the house, learning new things, planting new flowers to my garden.

So, in my own experience, an ENFP can still use Ne even when in a relationship. Ne can be used in everywhere and that constat input I need but I can obtain it from so many places than messing around with people.

I suppose it would be common for those of us who spend an excessive amount of time dreaming. I know I was prone to become "bored," or
better explained as "wanting to look for something else" when I was
younger. But today, no.

I'm bored with (some) people too, but the point is to find that somebody that doesn't bore you. ;) Because I could have never been 16 years with a boring person...

The first is Ne endlessly scanning the horizen and looking for something more. Fi helps argue this by saying it isnt okay to hurt people.

Fi definitely helps there if your values include not to hurt other people and not to play around with people and if it appreciates being faithful to your spouse.

The second hurdle in older enfps will be Te. If we have been forced to be independent, we will feel very "controlled" or even trapped being in a relationship. I would rather be alone, than be forced to change.

I could never be in a long term relationship with a controlling person. That is why I'm married to another independent type, ISTP. That is one key factor to a "ENFP" relatiohsip success.

So my recommendations for other ENFP's: choose non-boring and independent spouse. ;)

I think it is very incredibly easy for us enfp's to settle. We need someone to temper us, a stabiliser if you like. However for relationships to be successful we need freedom in other areas work/friends/travel/social life/children. Theres no point trying to cage an enfp....we will fly fly fly.

I agree. :yes:
 

Salomé

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But I've yet to meet another man who can give me what he does and it becomes harder every year as we've build up a beautiful life together, and a very strong and sound relationship.

Don't you mean it becomes easier?

I'd be worried if I were your SO, reading that. You're "yet" to meet. You're constantly "scanning" for "intense" connections. Sounds like if you ever did meet someone who measured up you'd be off. Rather than being settled, it reads like you've temporarily settled for the best you could do. No offense, just telling you how it sounds, which is why you are perceived in the way you are.


I've known ENFPs who were flighty and I've known ones who were not only completely faithful, but completely loyal. Any type can and does cheat, it comes down to personal morality, which has nothing to do with type, IMO.
I think one pitfall for ENFPs early in a relationship can be disallusionment - building the other person up too much and then being disappointed when they fail to meet all their expectations. That looks like flightiness, but it's not. It's not about being bored, it's about having impossible standards. But healthy / mature ones grow out of that idealising tendency.
 

Chloe

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Don't you mean it becomes easier?

I'd be worried if I were your SO, reading that. You're "yet" to meet. You're constantly "scanning" for "intense" connections. Sounds like if you ever did meet someone who measured up you'd be off. Rather than being settled, it reads like you've temporarily settled for the best you could do. No offense, just telling you how it sounds, which is why you are perceived in the way you are.


I actually understand you both, Satine and Morgan. That scanning what Satine was talking about comes naturally, you cant stop that. It's just the nature.
On the other hand, I get what you're talking about "i've yet to meet", that sounds completely not Ne dom, more like being in a relationship for comfort, which is repulsive to me.

And once you get ENFP to commit, I think it means a lot, because that means that ENFP has sorted out all possibilities and really found that you're "the truth". Heh, dont know how to express myself; but Ne sees everything as possible, until she sees that it's not really like that. But if ENFP commits, that means that out of all possibilities you've proven to be the truth. So when enfp commits it's true, and other things were not truthful enough.
with most people its the same but they'll probably stay more in things for safety, maybe, so being flighty and all is not such bad thing for enfps, we just want that if we commit to something that that's absolutely how we feel and that we dont fool anyone, and once that is the case, we'll commit. Truth above all.
 

Amargith

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Don't you mean it becomes easier?

I'd be worried if I were your SO, reading that. You're "yet" to meet. You're constantly "scanning" for "intense" connections. Sounds like if you ever did meet someone who measured up you'd be off. Rather than being settled, it reads like you've temporarily settled for the best you could do. No offense, just telling you how it sounds, which is why you are perceived in the way you are.


I've known ENFPs who were flighty and I've known ones who were not only completely faithful, but completely loyal. Any type can and does cheat, it comes down to personal morality, which has nothing to do with type, IMO.
I think one pitfall for ENFPs early in a relationship can be disallusionment - building the other person up too much and then being disappointed when they fail to meet all their expectations. That looks like flightiness, but it's not. It's not about being bored, it's about having impossible standards. But healthy / mature ones grow out of that idealising tendency.

I actually understand you both, Satine and Morgan. That scanning what Satine was talking about comes naturally, you cant stop that. It's just the nature.
On the other hand, I get what you're talking about "i've yet to meet", that sounds completely not Ne dom, more like being in a relationship for comfort, which is repulsive to me.

And once you get ENFP to commit, I think it means a lot, because that means that ENFP has sorted out all possibilities and really found that you're "the truth". Heh, dont know how to express myself; but Ne sees everything as possible, until she sees that it's not really like that. But if ENFP commits, that means that out of all possibilities you've proven to be the truth. So when enfp commits it's true, and other things were not truthful enough.
with most people its the same but they'll probably stay more in things for safety, maybe, so being flighty and all is not such bad thing for enfps, we just want that if we commit to something that that's absolutely how we feel and that we dont fool anyone, and once that is the case, we'll commit. Truth above all.



Correct, Chloe.

I cannot turn it off, and..I'm too curious not to get to know people and go 'what-iffing', it's fun :smile:

However, I committed to my So a long time ago. Nobody's ever been able to give me that feeling of completeness the way he has. And I doubt anyone ever will. I never say never however as I learned a long time ago not to assume anything definite. I'm a realist on that. Experience however has taught me that my gut feeling on him was and is still right. He knows how I feel and he's fine with that. He too knows that if I was going to leave, I'd ve done it a loooooooooong time ago. I'm very much happy with him and love him dearly.

I also remember that when I first got together with him, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, something I never had with my previous lovers. I felt like I was home. The restlessness I felt before, that urge to seek out new people and know what they are like, especially men, was gone. And although I still enjoy occasionally seeking out people and getting to know them, it's no longer an urge. It's just something I enjoy and that comes naturally to me. I won't deny I've met some men after him that would have potentially made good lifepartners as well (always seeing the possibilities in front of you, after all), but I instinctively realized that in this case, the grass just *is* greener at home.

I also find that doing this, despite its obvious risks, keeps you more on your toes about your relationship. It keeps you from being complacent, from taking your partner for granted, from being taken for granted. It keeps your eye on the relationship, always looking to improve it, looking to learn from the other people you get to know and getting inspired as to how refine stuff, try somethign new, add variation. It's like constant maintenance check-ups and monitoring and it's part of what made us so tight over the years. We're a team, and we regularly check up on each other emotionally, to nurture that bond and see if we're not accidentely drifting apart. That includes being honest about *any* feelings stirred up by him or me or others. I have no secrets for him, especially not emotionally. And he doesn't have any for me. In fact, if I get distracted from our relationship into other projects, he seeks me out, hugs me to death, craving that maintenance and generally has trouble digesting his feelings as he usually uses me as a soundboard. And vice versa. It keeps our relationship fresh and our bond intact. In fact, people are often surprised we've been together for that long when they see the way we interact with such physical affection still (without clinging and being co-dependent, that is) :blush:
 

angell_m

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Despite my rep here, I've been happy and faithful to my INTJ for over 10 years. When I met him, I knew I'd be hardpressed to ever find someone who'd love me and accept me as unconditionally as he does. And he is the *only* stable thing in my life, something I very much treasure as it provides shelter from the chaos that is my life at times.

I will admit, as I am very much driven to connecting with people, that the intensity rush you get from meeting someone new,and it clicks really well, is...tempting. But I've yet to meet another man who can give me what he does and it becomes harder every year as we've build up a beautiful life together, and a very strong and sound relationship. And I would never be able to live with myself if I hurt him in any way. Though I've met other men that can make my heart beat faster for a while, and I enjoy that feeling, I recognize it for what it is: a fleeting feeling, in no way able to compete with the feelings I continuously have for him ;)

So, the answer to your question is 'yes', imo.

The answer to the question: 'will she ever stop scanning the horizon?', in my case, is no, as it's in my nature to constantly search new opportunities and experiences in *everything* In this case though, I mostly do it to learn more about who he is as well as who men are in general ;)

I just felt like teasing you a bit on this one part..

(You never said this, but this is what I can make out of it if I want
to. So please just go with the flow, at least for a little while).


  1. You need to know that your SO will never leave you, or else
    the relationship will not work out.
  2. You can blatantly say that the possibility of you leaving him
    is there, and he has to accept that or else the relationship
    will not work out.
The same scenario can be seen in a very protective ENFP woman
who freaks out whenever other women speaks with her partner,
and her freakouts has to be accepted by him or else the relationship
will not work out. The ENFP woman, however (who in this case is
very protective), needs to have a large variety of friends, some of
whom are men. And her partner has to accept that, or else the
relationship will not work out.

It's like bus tickets; when you're 14 years old you have to pay for
an adult ticket, however, you're not adult enough to buy cigarettes
and alcohol. So you're an adult, yet not adult enough to be labeled
as an adult at some adult areas of adulthood... :wacko:

Double standard?

Moahaha :D

But anyway, like I wrote above, you never said 'that'. This is just
what I happened to see as an "alternate" post, or something.
 

Salomé

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Double standard?
It does strike me that way too.
Also, as pretty selfish as far as the "scanned" objects of desire are concerned. They help keep things fresh and exciting in the primary relationship, but what are they getting out of the deal exactly? I dunno. I can't relate at all. If I'm into someone they are all I can see and all I ever want to see. I have very little left over for anyone else. Most INTPs seem to be this way. Maybe it's unbalanced?
 
Last edited:

LadyJaye

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i can totally focus on just one person...no issue at all with that and if/when i get bored i just like to think of new stuff for us to do i don't think i want a new person out of boredom.

This.

I've never had a problem committing to someone, if I know we're on the same page and we have a future together. If those elements aren't there, then I resist strongly. ENFP's are very independent minded, and need to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't just accept it, but respects it.

I don't know about any other ENFP's, but I deeply resent the " flaky and flighty" label. What good is there in settling down quickly if it's wrong? Just because we're specific about how a permanent relationship should be, doesn't mean that we're unable to settle down. At least, that's my angle on it.
 

Litvyak

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Also, as pretty selfish as far as the "scanned" objects of desire are concerned. They help keep things fresh and exciting, in the primary relationship but what are they getting out of the deal exactly?

If you make a deal with someone, is it a moral imperative for you to find the exact reason why your partner has invested in the transaction?
If you made sure that the conditions are clear right at the start, it is safe to assume that both parties are driven by mutual interest and both of them profit from the deal. Why else would they engage in it in the first place? You're only responsible if you've failed to inform your partner of the terms of agreement.

If I settle it'd better be for money. :p I'm only half joking with that, the only way I'd "settle" is if it were something that I needed really badly. And I'm not talking romantically, either: I'm thinking a business partnership. I'm not a romantic person, I find it suffocating therefore, relationships don't do the things I need them to do for me. Of course, I'm 22 and self centered or something like that.

It's still pretty strange for an ENFP :popc1:
 

swordpath

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I've known ENFPs who were flighty and I've known ones who were not only completely faithful, but completely loyal. Any type can and does cheat, it comes down to personal morality, which has nothing to do with type, IMO.

True. I made this thread not based on personal observation really, but I've seen commonalities in the few articles I've read on ENFPs and how they view their relationships. I wanted to hear from the ENFPs how they feel about the stereotype to better understand if it's a legitimate conflict that they find them self struggling with, or not so much.

Also, it's not like this descriptor is labeling the ENFP as a cheater or a whore, because that's all a matter of ethics, character and morality (like you stated). That issue is not type related, but individually and through the whole spectrum of type/personality. IMO, this is not a matter of questioning their loyalty or faithfulness; but whether in their fidelity, they're still prone to battling with feelings of discontent and believing that there might be someone better suited for them out there (Again, not that they'll act on this thought or that it will manifest itself in the external world). It seems MOST of the ENFPs here have said that being happy in a long-term relationship has really not been an issue... The "portraits" out there of the ENFP type all have this listed as a problem area for ENFPs in their relationships though. So it seems this must be a matter of maturity level.
 

MafiaAngel180

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Oooh I wanted to also add something else, when I'm in a good relationship and in love, it makes me feel totally and utterly free. I don't have that trapped feeling. It's like love is a safety net that allows me to explore life. And I don't mean explore other men. Because that would just take my safety net away now wouldn't it? Hehe.
 

swordpath

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If I settle it'd better be for money. :p I'm only half joking with that, the only way I'd "settle" is if it were something that I needed really badly. And I'm not talking romantically, either: I'm thinking a business partnership. I'm not a romantic person, I find it suffocating therefore, relationships don't do the things I need them to do for me. Of course, I'm 22 and self centered or something like that.

lol...
 

Thalassa

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Actually I'd like to be married. I would have married my ex, who I was with for five years, had there not been SERIOUS issues that could not be overcome. I'm pretty sure I could settle. It would just have to be with the right person, that's all.

When I was younger? No way. I wasn't the way I am now until I was about 25 or so.
 

Amargith

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I just felt like teasing you a bit on this one part..

(You never said this, but this is what I can make out of it if I want
to. So please just go with the flow, at least for a little while).


  1. You need to know that your SO will never leave you, or else
    the relationship will not work out.
  2. You can blatantly say that the possibility of you leaving him
    is there, and he has to accept that or else the relationship
    will not work out.
The same scenario can be seen in a very protective ENFP woman
who freaks out whenever other women speaks with her partner,
and her freakouts has to be accepted by him or else the relationship
will not work out. The ENFP woman, however (who in this case is
very protective), needs to have a large variety of friends, some of
whom are men. And her partner has to accept that, or else the
relationship will not work out.

It's like bus tickets; when you're 14 years old you have to pay for
an adult ticket, however, you're not adult enough to buy cigarettes
and alcohol. So you're an adult, yet not adult enough to be labeled
as an adult at some adult areas of adulthood... :wacko:

Double standard?

Moahaha :D

But anyway, like I wrote above, you never said 'that'. This is just
what I happened to see as an "alternate" post, or something.

Grin. You're quite right :D
I'm very much aware of that double standard and working on it. I admire his resolve very much. He's never looked back, as far as I know. Ni-doms...gotto love that about them. They just *know*. Let me be clear though, I do not *expect* this from him. At all. I'm happy he is this way, and I do feel sad I cannot return that, but I would never demand something from him that I myself cannot provide. I am working on returning the favor, though.

The thing is that something snapped in me after my first relationship. My first took advantage of the faith and love I gave him, and afterwards I felt foolish and arrogant for ever assuming that we'd have a life together. To take that for granted, you could say. I did completely commit to him, in every way possible..and it left me blind to what he was doing.. That's where the 'Never say never' comes from. I swore never to fully rely on someone ever again, never to assume that they'd keep their promise as I didn't think I'd be able to rebuild a second time the way I had to after that first relationship. That's why part of me always reminds me that tomorrow..things could change, his feelings for me could change, life could take us in different ways, etc etc. I know it's unlikely, like 99% against, but I don't wanna take the chance and become blindsighted. It's a fear of mine. And one that I find very hard to overcome.


It does strike me that way too.
Also, as pretty selfish as far as the "scanned" objects of desire are concerned. They help keep things fresh and exciting, in the primary relationship but what are they getting out of the deal exactly? I dunno. I can't relate at all. If I'm into someone they are all I can see and all I ever want to see. I have very little left over for anyone else. Most INTPs seem to be this way. Maybe it's unbalanced?

Lol..the scanned objects, really? They're just people I meet, and find fascinating. Often, they become good friends, or at least people I've shared a special bond with. I'm also completely honest with them from the get go. They know I'm taken, and I make it very clear to anyone, male or female, that I befriend, what I want out of the friendship and make it my business to know what they want. Then we find a win-win situation for both. If they're not comfortable with the raw emotion I like to put in all my relationships (platonic, friendship or otherwise), I'll dial it down. If they enjoy it, even better. It doesn't really matter. Everyone is different, and unique, making them fascinating :)
 

Salomé

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If you make a deal with someone, is it a moral imperative for you to find the exact reason why your partner has invested in the transaction?
If you made sure that the conditions are clear right at the start, it is safe to assume that both parties are driven by mutual interest and both of them profit from the deal. Why else would they engage in it in the first place? You're only responsible if you've failed to inform your partner of the terms of agreement.
In a business transaction, perhaps. In matters of the heart? No. It's careless. People don't invest their emotions with the belief that nothing will come of it, no matter what the "terms of the agreement". They live in hope, and it's cruel and dishonest and entirely self-serving to create hope when you have absolutely no intention of delivering.

The thing is that something snapped in me after my first relationship. My first took advantage of the faith and love I gave him, and afterwards I felt foolish and arrogant for ever assuming that we'd have a life together. To take that for granted, you could say. I did completely commit to him, in every way possible..and it left me blind to what he was doing.. That's where the 'Never say never' comes from. I swore never to fully rely on someone ever again, never to assume that they'd keep their promise as I didn't think I'd be able to rebuild a second time the way I had to after that first relationship. That's why part of me always reminds me that tomorrow..things could change, his feelings for me could change, life could take us in different ways, etc etc. I know it's unlikely, like 99% against, but I don't wanna take the chance and become blindsighted. It's a fear of mine. And one that I find very hard to overcome.
So then, it's not actually in your nature, but in your baggage. Nothing to do with being ENFP, but essentially an inability to trust your partner completely, because of what someone else did to you. So now you feel you have to keep your options open, you have to remain alert and watch out for your own interests. You can't allow yourself to trust them to someone else. It's understandable, but as long as you are holding back like that, scanning the horizon, I don't see how you could ever find your relationship completely satisfying (you keep feeding your discontent) or how your partner could ever feel safe and secure. Although, perhaps that element of uncertainty is what has kept things fresh for you all this time...
As you say, we're all different.
 

angell_m

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Grin. You're quite right :D
I'm very much aware of that double standard and working on it. I admire his resolve very much. He's never looked back, as far as I know. Ni-doms...gotto love that about them. They just *know*. Let me be clear though, I do not *expect* this from him. At all. I'm happy he is this way, and I do feel sad I cannot return that, but I would never demand something from him that I myself cannot provide. I am working on returning the favor, though.

The thing is that something snapped in me after my first relationship. My first took advantage of the faith and love I gave him, and afterwards I felt foolish and arrogant for ever assuming that we'd have a life together. To take that for granted, you could say. I did completely commit to him, in every way possible..and it left me blind to what he was doing.. That's where the 'Never say never' comes from. I swore never to fully rely on someone ever again, never to assume that they'd keep their promise as I didn't think I'd be able to rebuild a second time the way I had to after that first relationship. That's why part of me always reminds me that tomorrow..things could change, his feelings for me could change, life could take us in different ways, etc etc. I know it's unlikely, like 99% against, but I don't wanna take the chance and become blindsighted. It's a fear of mine. And one that I find very hard to overcome.

Oh, the possibility of me leaving is there too, but it's not something I'd wish to say. In fact, I would probably never say it. The possibility of me leaving is very, very small, I'm talking; stabbing me with a knife or pushing me off a flight of stairs on purpose, or worse, cheat on me. Yeah, I do consider cheating worse than trying to kill me. I've never cheated, and I've never been cheated on, to my surprise, I've never had to experience that, but I still fear the possibility of them leaving me, whatever their reason might be. It's like one of those songs I like; "If you just walked away. What could I really say? Would it matter anyway?"
 
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