Healthy Fours are honest with themselves: they own all of their feelings and can look at their motives, contradictions, and emotional conflicts without denying or whitewashing them. They may not necessarily like what they discover, but they do not try to rationalize their states, nor do they try to hide them from themselves or others. They are not afraid to see themselves “warts and all.†Healthy Fours are willing to reveal highly personal and potentially shameful things about themselves because they are determined to understand the truth of their experience—so that they can discover who they are and come to terms with their emotional history. This ability also enables Fours to endure suffering with a quiet strength. Their familiarity with their own darker nature makes it easier for them to process painful experiences that might overwhelm other types.
Lets take a look at this quote.
Self honesty according to this paragraph, is contingent on two principal things:
1. Owning feelings
2. Looking at everything below the surface with objective scrutiny and rigor, regardless of what you may find. And accepting these things, by moving through the shame, that may be a result of inside and external
exposure.
In order for me to be healthier, I am supposed to ... express ... my feelings even when I am uncertain? I am supposed to show them even if I feel it is irrelevant and irrational to the current situation.
What is the difference between 'working through it by one-self' and 'hiding it from others in an unhealthy way'?
What does it mean to express your feelings when you are 'uncertain'?. Perhaps the root of the problem lies in uncertainty. Uncertainty comes from somewhere. Why are you uncertain? is it because you don't want to see something for what it is? are you hiding something from yourself? are you missing details because you are tied up in a subjective orientation?
I think what this paragraph means by revealing yourself to your own self and others, is about the process of getting real about what's really going on, not just inside your head, but your whole persona. It's not suggesting you always express everything that's going on, but you allow yourself to exist genuinely in the external world; it's suggesting that you take on board external as well as internal evaluation. You cannot be evaluated by yourself or others, if the image you project, muddles the semblance between what you seem and what you are.
Sometimes outside input is necessary, when you are so far caught up in your own smoke and mirrors. Shame may prevent you from not just expressing yourself, but being who you truthfully are. You might say, "well maybe I'm honestly cynical, dark and bleak.. I project a caring image because not many people can handle that". Well, maybe being cynical, dark and bleak, is a defense mechanism? maybe that's not honestly who you are. Are you prepared to let that go? are you prepared to be something that is not a projection of how you'd like to be seen, defense mechanism, or conglomeration of how (you perceive) the external world has 'forced you to be'? (the last 2 I'm mainly referring to unhealthy fours here).
What happens when you show your feelings? your true feelings? how vulnerable does that make you feel as a four? < that's what it's like to be who you really are. It's potentially very shameful. Why? for many reasons; including the fact that maybe your feelings aren't going to be validated or accepted. As a four, you may feel exposed every time you are genuinely expressing any detail of your self. Some people express theirselves very freely. I dare say you have a friend who literally talks your ear off about the intricacies of their life, without hesitation. I daresay that's not what you're comfortable with. But my point is that it's possible to be incredibly open; but certain people are predisposed to think in that way. Just as some people are not predisposed to be so open because of certain things, like shame.
You don't what to be irrational, I understand that. Who does? but getting real with yourself involves accepting everything you feel emotionally or otherwise firstly, without rationalising it. Saying, "I'm not just going to observe this problem; I'm going to get to the root of this problem, and keep digging regardless of how much I hate what I'm doing. And i'm going to accept what I find and acknowledge that what I feel is inside me. It's from me. It encompasses me". Suspend the judgment until you get to the root. Because you might stop digging at the surface if you think what's there is irrational.
Is being irrational shameful to you? does it hurt when someone points out a flaw to your thinking? if someone presents you with an alternate way of thinking about something?
What's a more problematic/threatening situation?; the potential for fours to become resentful, more and more withdrawn and hostile, and lost in subjectivity as a result of building up feelings?; or expressing genuine feelings in a truthful, open and appropriate manner, even though the result may be a bad reception from somebody, which results in shame, hurt, anger etc. ??
Something I am personally working through is outside evaluation. Letting go of the notion of emotional invalidation, and embracing alternate viewpoints. It is hard to admit to holding a perspective that is considered by others to be irrational, even to your own self. Hard to see it; harder to admit. If you take away that shame of being 'seen' as irrational to yourself and others, accept that adopting alternate viewpoints is not being in genuine to your feelings; that objectivity can be relinquishing; you take away the fear of expressing something irrational in the wrong context. If you learn to accept it, you may learn to see, that others pointing out irrationality is nothing to be afraid of- and that you control your perception and judgments of others comments.
Ultimately you can learn to find an appropriate manner in which to express your feelings, to other people, to professionals, through art etc, that minimises risk, whilst still being genuine and honest and opening yourself up to be exposed. As a four, I suppose you are constantly going to be walking that fine line between risk/safety and honesty/simulation. You need to accept the shame and possibility for hurt, move through it.
Fours may get in the trap of not wanting to evaluate what they feel is genuine. But it's like the all seeing eye which cannot see itself; sometimes you don't acknowledge the filters which skew your judgment.
Clarity in thought is what allows you to see clearly, accurately evaluate, and genuinely feel.
But it all starts with acceptance, otherwise you're not going to want to dig until you get to the truth.
Truth is nothing until you accept it. Until you acknowledge what it is and what it means. And why it is the truth. Only then does the full gravity hit you.
Imagine knowing the truth of who you really are? imagine what that might feel like? peak self actualisation... peak self consciousness perhaps?
Thanks so much. I will have to read this again and again and mull it over. This is exactly it though.
