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[ENFP] ENFP possessiveness? jealousy with friendships?

ChocolateMoose123

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Oh fuck, am I an idiot.

You and she are lesbians, and this is a romantic thing.

Oh, sorry, I got confuzid, we can be romantically jealous, as I stated before.


:)

She is the only woman I've been with. I prefer men.

It was an experience that felt natural so I went with it but I quickly cut it off when she crossed a known boundary of mine.

That was a long time ago though.

So once a lover of an ENFP always a lover to an ENFP?
 

Amargith

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You will always hold a special place in our hearts, yes :)

And..it *can* be very hard knowing that we no longer hold that very special place in your heart..or at the very least have to share it :blush:
 

SillySapienne

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If she was in love with you, and is still in love with you, and has issues, then your OP makes perfect sense.

This reminds me of how I acted when I was 18-20 with hahahhaa, an ISTP I was MADLY in love with.

I was possessive of him, and I got jealous.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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If she was in love with you, and is still in love with you, and has issues, then your OP makes perfect sense.

This reminds me of how I acted when I was 18-20 with hahahhaa, an ISTP I was MADLY in love with.

I was possessive of him, and I got jealous.

I don't think she was. We didn't know each other that well when we dated and she was dating someone else also at the time.

She confuses me whenever she talks about when we dated. I ended it for very specific reasons which her actions caused. But then later she says it could have worked if I liked girls as much as guys. :rolleyes:

She recently told me she thinks I have the most sex appeal of anyone she knows. She doesn't know why she's so attracted to me but she feels a "pull" towards me.

I take this stuff with a grain of salt. Her emotions seem to switch so often. I can never fully trust them. Sometimes I wonder if we live the same reality. :yes:

Maybe Satine was right about the sharing part.

OP does she only act this way with you, or does she do this with other friends as well?

I wouldn't doubt she does this with others. Although, I haven't seen it. ENTJ friend says that she only does this with me.
 

SillySapienne

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Well see this is where i feel like other factors are coming into play too...she's not just an ENFP, she's a model. I've seen this come through in people who are, for whatever reason, primarily judged upon her looks. What you say about ENFP caring less about looks than other factors particularly resonates with me, which is why i feel like the issue could be coming down to the question: do these people really like me for me? For my ideas and my 'true' identity? Or just because of how i look?

i'm not sure i think it's a case about her being obsessed with her looks so much that it is being used to OTHER people being obsessed with her looks. looking at it from this perspective i can CERTAINLY see this eating at an ENFP who wants to be recognized for their ideas and integrity and causing her to act out. If my outside "identity" is primarily based on looks to many people, i know i would be crushed and would start seeking affirmation.

Three friends and my roommate come into mind; my roommate is EXFJ, and the friends are 2 ENFP, and one is ENTJ. all are or have at some point been seriously bothered by this question either because of the nature of their profession or, in the case of my ENTJ friend, just for being so damn beautiful.

OP does she only act this way with you, or does she do this with other friends as well?
Gah, I could only briefly peruse your post, but you bring up some great points! :D

I was born and raised in LA, and my sister amongst thousands of other girls/women here are aesthetically drop-dead gorgeous.

And, I feel for them, to be put into a box, to simply be identified as a gorgeous shell, awful, awful, awful. :sad:

I was a late bloomer regarding my looks, I became overtly, or more so, I dunno, physically attractive when I was 18, this was so weird for me, prior to that I was a tomboy, I didn't give a shit about my looks, I still don't though due to my heterosexuality, and the fact that I have a boyfriend, I maintain or attempt to maintain an acceptable appearance, (if single and left to my own devices I'd be one slovenly dressed, hairy monster, for sho :D).

Well, post 17, I've experienced people/men especially simply looking at me, (when I'm dressed up, or dressed casually), and treat me differently, and assume I'm some numskull, vacuous twit!!!

:wtf:

At uni, I would have to prove myself as being intelligent, because profs would just assume I was some pretty face empty spaced kid, my favorite was when I finally gained my Evolution for bio majors prof's recognition, she was such a bitch to me, then I took her first test, (which consisted of short answers/ definitions and two essays) I aced that muthafucka and she treated me TOTALLY DIFFERENT, thereafter.

I digress.

But yeah, as an ENFP, we would be disgusted by someone who simply values us because of our physical appearance. :sick:

We want to be valued for the things we pride ourselves in.

Not for how we apply our lipstick or mascara.

:nono:
 

Amargith

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I don't think she was. We didn't know each other that well when we dated and she was dating someone else also at the time.

She confuses me whenever she talks about when we dated. I ended it for very specific reasons which her actions caused. But then later she says it could have worked if I liked girls as much as guys. :rolleyes:

She recently told me she thinks I have the most sex appeal of anyone she knows. She doesn't know why she's so attracted to me but she feels a "pull" towards me.

I take this stuff with a grain of salt. Her emotions seem to switch so often. Sometimes I wonder if we live the same reality. :yes:

Maybe Satine was right about the sharing part.

Lemme be the first to say that you boys and girls (ISTPS) are hard to ignore and hard to forget about :blush: :smooch:

There's few people that I experience as intense and freedom-loving, in a way that I enjoy myself, but ISTPs often do seem to fit that bill. It's addicitive to find someone who can make your emotions soar and who isn't afraid of your intensity as well as enjoy the fact that they can let loose as well.

And therefore tempting to go back to the high they give you (in this case, the attraction/pull she was talking about, probably)

This is purely my own experiences though, as I don't have enough info to analyse the situation properly in your case ;)
 

sculpting

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She confuses me whenever she talks about when we dated. I ended it for very specific reasons which her actions caused. But then later she says it could have worked if I liked girls as much as guys. :rolleyes:

She recently told me she thinks I have the most sex appeal of anyone she knows. She doesn't know why she's so attracted to me but she feels a "pull" towards me.

I take this stuff with a grain of salt. Her emotions seem to switch so often. Sometimes I wonder if we live the same reality.

I wouldn't doubt she does this with others. Although, I haven't seen it. ENTJ friend says that she only does this with me.

I think she still really likes you. I would be exceptionally direct and let her know there is no potential future EVER. yeah, Fi emo can fluctuate all over the place from minute to minute-perhaps cmpare it to your Ti thoughts??? I dunno...

The reality quote is amazingly insightful actually. Honestly you really dont live in the same reality...as bizarre as that sounds. We have Se in last place. So we often miss the things directly in front of us-because we look past them into our heads for new things on the horizon. I am dating an INTJ, and even his Se in forth place still makes him far, far more practical and reality based then me. Its funny as he doesnt look or act like my ex-an ISTP-but many things that bug him are exactly the same things.

(Also a bunch of enfps here dated ISTPs when younger-you guys sorta look like young INTJs-maybe that is what she sees....)
 

Loliz

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So, I am not sure how to think about this now, exactly, depending on the feelings behind the situation. When I first read it, I was thinking she had low self-esteem, and now it seems she may have *special* feelings for you too?

I guess either way it would be good if you all can talk. It doesn't feel good to have to be in the shadow or to feel like someone is being possessive or controlling. My ENFPs can deal with pretty open, honest, emotional conversations. I am intimidated bringing up things to my friend I was talking about earlier because she is prone to anger, but she is a good friend, too, and ultimately really wants our relationship to be good. If you are worried she will take it badly, just make sure you present it in a non-attacking way.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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Lemme be the first to say that you boys and girls (ISTPS) are hard to ignore and hard to forget about :blush: :smooch:

There's few people that I experience as intense and freedom-loving, in a way that I enjoy myself, but ISTPs often do seem to fit that bill. It's addicitive to find someone who can make your emotions soar and who isn't afraid of your intensity as well as enjoy the fact that they can let loose as well.

And therefore tempting to go back to the high they give you (in this case, the attraction/pull she was talking about, probably)

This is purely my own experiences though, as I don't have enough info to analyse the situation properly in your case ;)

Yeah. I really like how ENFP's can let you be you and they really are freedom-loving. Even though I feel we are vastly different we seem to have a common wavelength.
 

Loliz

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All the ISTP recommendations! Wow! I need to meet more of them :)

I usually end up around NP's, but I'll keep it in mind.
 
G

Glycerine

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Many chicks take the test and come out as ENFP, for it is inherently a feminine type.

I just re-read your first post and it SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Doesn't resonate with me that I cannot believe that this chick is an ENFP, sorry, I can't.

Stringstheory, notice your type, first of all. :)

Secondly, I was neglected and verbally abused by my father, as well as physically abused by my sister growing up.

In other words, I've got issues. :yes:

But, I've got a very strong Fi, and the woman you describe sounds nothing like an ENFP, nothing!!!!!

Why people, and women especially love me is due to the fact that I am NOT A HATER, I LOVE when my friends are happy, when they look beautiful, I don't know, this chick just doesn't seem like a real ENFP, to me.

My INTP bestfriend is both very jealous and possessive of and over me, as is my ESFp friend, though the latter is more possessive than jealous.

FPs don't hate on good things, good people, good happenings, they welcome them, they actually LOVE THEM, they want the people they love to be happy, to find love, and they will accommodate them as much as they possibly can to facilitate growth and happiness in those they love.

Fuck, maybe I'm biased, but I KNOW, and it's been verified by many sources, viable sources, that I am a hardcore ENFP.

And, I don't roll like that, in fact, I find her behavior sad, unacceptable, and slightly abhorrent. EW!

I've been hated on by my "friends" hell, even by my family before, and I just sat there and cried inside, shocked by how disgusting a fragile ego can manifest in such cruel actions. :sad:

So, yeah.

I bet this chick is NOT an ENFP.

Seriously.

Like I said, I'm prone to depression, and I'm a victim of abuse, and my issues do come out with men, at times, with men I'm romantically involved with, but other than that, I NEVER HATE ON WOMEN, unless they're tyrannical cunts who need to be put in their place.

:)

I see your points but isn't Fi by definition unique to the individual? As a result, you might never act that way but I bet there are a few ENFPs that are like how the OP described. Also people act certain ways independent of their type. I could totally see an ENFP acting this way depending on low self-esteem, social pressures, not feeling accepted for who they are, etc.

My ENFP sister is really concerned with her looks, makes sure she always has makeup on in public, has a cute outfit on, concerned about not making social fashion faux pas (much more than me, the supposed Fe dom). However, by no means is that all she cares about. She also cares about a lot of the stuff you said in your posts. I would say that my sister is kind of like the combination between you and Marmalade.Sunrise. :D
 

stringstheory

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yeah reading more i'm starting to think that her liking you is coming into play too...if your friend hasn't seen her exhibit this behaviour with ANY of your other friends then it's a real possibility, especially if the possessiveness is manifesting itself in even slightly sexual ways.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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So, I am not sure how to think about this now, exactly, depending on the feelings behind the situation. When I first read it, I was thinking she had low self-esteem, and now it seems she may have *special* feelings for you too?

I guess either way it would be good if you all can talk. It doesn't feel good to have to be in the shadow or to feel like someone is being possessive or controlling. My ENFPs can deal with pretty open, honest, emotional conversations. I am intimidated bringing up things to my friend I was talking about earlier because she is prone to anger, but she is a good friend, too, and ultimately really wants our relationship to be good. If you are worried she will take it badly, just make sure you present it in a non-attacking way.

Ugh. I hate talking. I'll play it by ear. Next time it happens I'll mention something.

yeah reading more i'm starting to think that her liking you is coming into play too...if your friend hasn't seen her exhibit this behaviour with ANY of your other friends then it's a real possibility, especially if the possessiveness is manifesting itself in even slightly sexual ways.

That would have been my first guess but I just don't sense that from her. If I attempted to rekindle a romance with her I don't think she would. IMO, part of her attraction to me is that I'm not a smitten admirer of hers. You know what I mean? I see more ego than desire from her. That could just be my ISTP perspective but if that is the case I don't get that mentality at all.
 

skylights

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actually, to me, i can see 100% ENFP. i have had these feelings and behaviors before - though i agree with those who say it really sounds like she would like a relationship with you again. that, or she has not really been able to move on yet, so she still feels attachment to you, and it's hard for her to let go of seeing you as her counterpart, so to speak. it's probably a bit of jealousy that you got noticed over her for appearance, too. no offense to her of course but it sounds like her self-esteem is not very high and that may be the root of a lot of this behavior.

So once a lover of an ENFP always a lover to an ENFP?

yeah... i feel like the basic reasons i love(d) someone never really go away, even if the relationship isn't right... :blushing: and i tend to hang on to mental intimacy.

She confuses me whenever she talks about when we dated. I ended it for very specific reasons which her actions caused. But then later she says it could have worked if I liked girls as much as guys. :rolleyes:

She recently told me she thinks I have the most sex appeal of anyone she knows. She doesn't know why she's so attracted to me but she feels a "pull" towards me.

well, myself and her are not the same person of course, but given that you ended it and she still feels attraction for you... her directing blame at you "not liking girls as much", to me, sounds like a very emotionally-charged and evasive (for fear of blatant rejection) way of suggesting "i want you and it blows that i don't have you but maybe if i bring it up like that you'll contradict me and tell me you really do like me." it sounds like a combination of resentment and hopeful bait, and it's kind of beating around the bush - it keeps the possibility open that you still do like her, because you probably won't respond if it's true, only if it's false. (wow this kind of breakdown is really revealing about my own behavior. but all of this i'm talking about, in the moment, is completely and totally subconscious.)

one thing about ENFPs, if she is like me... we have quite a lot of emotions running, at a very low (almost subconscious) level all the time, and our underlying reality does remain the same. certain emotions just manifest/surface at certain times: sometimes consciously chosen, sometimes not so much. so to us it's not so much a huge change as it is simply shifting gears... even if going from 5 to 2 can be a little bumpy for everyone involved.

But yeah, as an ENFP, we would be disgusted by someone who simply values us because of our physical appearance.

fundamentally i would agree with this, though i think it's a complex issue too. i know that i am very attentive to and aware of my appearance - and i do like people to appreciate that about me, since it is both self-expression and social gesture. but i agree that i feel offended when it's assumed that's the only worthwhile thing about me.

i suspect that someone who is very into modeling places a lot of representative value into her appearance as well, and it would heighten the ENFP tendency to look to others for positive attention and affirmation of self-worth. i know it's not logical, but sometimes i feel like not getting attention or affirmation (especially someone else getting attention when i'm present too) is a mark against me - like an active negative, that someone does not like me and that i am not worth attention. when i feel like that with someone i really care for - and/or whose affirmation i depend on - i can get really afraid that i'm "losing" them. jealousy is an expression of fear, to me (huh, self-realization right there again, thanks Te) and i generally act out and do something stupid so that person will be attentive to me, and only me, again. it's stupid and illogical and really rather self-serving, but it's my gut reaction if i feel threatened (which generally correlates to me feeling down about myself.)

Lemme be the first to say that you boys and girls (ISTPS) are hard to ignore and hard to forget about :blush: :smooch:

There's few people that I experience as intense and freedom-loving, in a way that I enjoy myself, but ISTPs often do seem to fit that bill. It's addicitive to find someone who can make your emotions soar and who isn't afraid of your intensity as well as enjoy the fact that they can let loose as well.

totally agreed :blush: and the ISTPs i have known have had a confidence that is beautiful and so freeing.

yeah reading more i'm starting to think that her liking you is coming into play too...if your friend hasn't seen her exhibit this behaviour with ANY of your other friends then it's a real possibility, especially if the possessiveness is manifesting itself in even slightly sexual ways.

:yes: for me at least, beauty is very representative... so vocally appreciating someone's appearance functions as a more removed way of telling them i appreciate them. i notice beauty much more when i start to appreciate someone on a personal level (with friends too, but exponentially more when it's romantic)

That would have been my first guess but I just don't sense that from her. If I attempted to rekindle a romance with her I don't think she would. IMO, part of her attraction to me is that I'm not a smitten admirer of hers. You know what I mean? I see more ego than desire from her. That could just be my ISTP perspective but if that is the case I don't get that mentality at all.

i think what you said about not being a smitten admirer is very true. if she is like myself and sapienne, then ignoring that shallow-level admiration is attractive because it means you've gone further, to whatever is underneath, what is most important to us. and it separates you from the pack. maintaining exterior appearance gives us something easy to fall back on (plus it's just enjoyable to express ourselves that way, and i personally like the artistry involved) -- but what we really want is to be appreciated for our inner selves.

my thought is, you could just lay it out on the table very simply like that... explain to her that if she wants to be with you, then the way she's acting is understandable, but if she doesn't, it's not fair. reassuring her that she is beautiful / valuable / worthy of attention (if you think she is and you would want to express that) probably couldn't hurt either - especially to boost her self-confidence in terms of finding someone else if you would rather not have the relationship rekindle. my gut says that she really still likes you, or at least is still holding on in some way.


--
i kind of have to thank you MDP because talking about this stuff has really helped me understand myself more too :huh:
 

Loliz

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Ugh. I hate talking. I'll play it by ear. Next time it happens I'll mention something.

I sorta hate it too but I have found no other way to deal with the deep stuff. It saves my butt. Otherwise I would have friend breakups or move or act a fool cause I am emo. Not really sure how other people "deal" with things...?
 

Ratsimoan

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One of my closest friends is an ENFP. There is a side of her behavior that puzzles me.

This ENFP is very beautiful. She was a model for a top agency at one point in her life. She certainly gets a lot of attention. She always has an orbit of admirers around.

On certain occasions where I'm getting more attention than her (it doesn't happen often) she becomes either withdrawn or possessive. My ENTJ friend even noticed this and asked me about it. It's something that I noticed myself but never said anything about.

Some examples: I never get dressed up or wear makeup that much. People don't recognize me when I do. On my birthday, I decided to pretty it up and sure enough got a lot of attention. ENFP was complimentary toward me then kept mentioning that she thought she didn't look good enough that night.

Another time, we were both at a bar watching live music at a table when this woman approached and started hitting on me. ENFP reaches over and lays her hand on my thigh in front of the woman. When the woman leaves she goes back to 'normal' :huh:

When she first met my ENTJ friend, she actually physically pushed the ENTJ away from me when we were at a club dancing. We were all drinking but I was shocked that she would do that.

Me and ENFP dated very briefly about two years ago and streamlined into a close friendship. I know ENFP doesn't like me in that way so I can't understand her behavior.

I didn't read through all the posts. I can be possessive and jealous in friendship, but I blame it on my enneagram. I'm a type 4, we can get envious. Maybe your friend is a type 4. But I only get like that when I'm not feeling good about myself or plainly when I'm PMSing ( sorry if that's too much info). I normally don't act like that in friendship. It could be your friend still much like you! Is your friend like that all the time?
 

Lady_X

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okay so just read the first page so far but she's not just a friend...she's an ex you're friends with...different thing most likely and i think i agree with stringtheory's point...i think it screws with your head to get too much attention for the way you look and it's probably affected her confidence...she might feel invisible and worthless when it's been too long...strange thing that...it's an issue that she has tho and i'd talk to her about it because she needs to get right with herself and get to a place where she doesn't need so much external validation...it's definitely weak self confidence that would make others feel jealous...imo.
 

mmhmm

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when people make other people feel bad...
it's because they usually feel bad about
themselves. i don't think it's exclusively
a type thing. perhaps being enfp makes
it more of a sensitivity issue.

she may feel insecure which leads to feeling
threatened... most likely your friend is territorial
so that you won't ditch her... she is probably in the
mindframe that "attention is the most basic form of love".
and needs that... even if it's not romantic love.

possessive-ness. it's the drama-causer...
 

Esoteric Wench

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Many chicks take the test and come out as ENFP, for it is inherently a feminine type.

I just re-read your first post and it SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Doesn't resonate with me that I cannot believe that this chick is an ENFP, sorry, I can't.

Stringstheory, notice your type, first of all. :)

Secondly, I was neglected and verbally abused by my father, as well as physically abused by my sister growing up.

In other words, I've got issues. :yes:

But, I've got a very strong Fi, and the woman you describe sounds nothing like an ENFP, nothing!!!!!

Why people, and women especially love me is due to the fact that I am NOT A HATER, I LOVE when my friends are happy, when they look beautiful, I don't know, this chick just doesn't seem like a real ENFP, to me.

My INTP bestfriend is both very jealous and possessive of and over me, as is my ESFp friend, though the latter is more possessive than jealous.

FPs don't hate on good things, good people, good happenings, they welcome them, they actually LOVE THEM, they want the people they love to be happy, to find love, and they will accommodate them as much as they possibly can to facilitate growth and happiness in those they love.

Fuck, maybe I'm biased, but I KNOW, and it's been verified by many sources, viable sources, that I am a hardcore ENFP.

And, I don't roll like that, in fact, I find her behavior sad, unacceptable, and slightly abhorrent. EW!

I've been hated on by my "friends" hell, even by my family before, and I just sat there and cried inside, shocked by how disgusting a fragile ego can manifest in such cruel actions. :sad:

So, yeah.

I bet this chick is NOT an ENFP.

Seriously.

Like I said, I'm prone to depression, and I'm a victim of abuse, and my issues do come out with men, at times, with men I'm romantically involved with, but other than that, I NEVER HATE ON WOMEN, unless they're tyrannical cunts who need to be put in their place.

:)

I'm with SillySapienne on this one. Sounds like ESFP or another type. I have had my own share of self-esteem issues over the years, but NEVER EVER NEVER have I been jealous of my friends (or boyfriends for that matter). This does not sound ENFP at all.

I think SillySapienne hit the nail on the head about the Fi being in play here. Auxiliary Fi mean that I get great / sincere enjoyment when watching those around me experience happiness and success. Furthermore, it would tell me that not being happy for my friends is morally wrong.

Bad tests, poorly thought out answers, etc. can cause skewing on test results. I'd step back and observe my friend to see if I could deduce what type she is... then if I felt sure she was really an ENFP, I'd give her a figurative whack on the back of the head. Her feelings might get hurt, but this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sounds like she's being a self-centered insecure person... and NOT a very good friend to you. Sometimes we need to get "whacked on the back of the head" by a friend to realize our own idiocy.
 

Esoteric Wench

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Orobas, I don't care if you are a drop dead gorgeous ENFP, we don't care about looks, we care about ideas, intellect, integrity. An ENFP who is obsessed with her looks is kinda an impossibility.

^^^^^
This rings true to me.
 
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