[ENFJ] Common ENFJ Issues

[frylockholmes]

I test close to 50/50 in my I/E also, but after reading up on the characteristics of each, and after my INFJ(they think they know everything MBTI) sister in law TELLING me I'm an ENFJ, I feel I really am more of an ENFJ... and after reading even more, I'm almost a stereotypical ENFJ.

Here are some of the issues I deal with off and on and some of them constantly:
- I am always thinking about a year or two into the future and make myself miserable now, working to achieve those goals.
- When I do get tired of working my fingers and mind to the bone, I have 4 or 5 days of an "IDGAF" attitude... but then I get depressed that I'm not trying as hard at EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE, that I go back to my usual. It's hard to find a happy middle ground.
- My Fe is so strong that it almost harms me. When I hear about someone getting hurt intentionally by another person it affects me deeply. It's been that way since I was a kid. My mom would watch a lifetime movies when I was like 6 or 7 and a woman would get raped and I would just fly off the handle. I'd cry and cry for hours at the thought that humanity could be that sick. I later learned coping mechanisms(like when I hear something on the news, immediately stop what I'm doing, pray and then imagine myself giving the victim a giant hug and tell them that I'm so sorry that this happened to them. Sometimes, I still fly off the handle, though. And if I personally hurt someone's feelings, I feel horrible about it until I can make peace with them. And then I still feel horrible for a while after that.
- I take too much responsibility for things - and it goes both ways. If something goes bad, I tend to blame myself. But also, if something goes right, I like to take credit for it. Unless there is someone who I know that would be really happy if they got credit for it(there goes my Fe again), I will make sure they get credit.
- I'm always helping. In fact, I love it sooooo much that when I'm working(as a nurse) I like to be the float nurse so I can walk up to anyone and everyone and say, "Okay, I'm here. What do you need? What can I do for you? I'm here to help everyone." I LOVE it!
- I think I may have already touched on my Ni by talking about my need to look into the future, but even when it comes to the immediate future, I'm always making predictions on how events are going to unfold... and I'm right a lot of the time. In my line of work, we tend to be very superstitious... never saying anything out loud like, "Oh, she'll have a normal delivery." or "I sure hope we don't have any STATS tonight." I always feel like the universe is messing with us(We are in the business of birth... I think the universe likes it.).
- When it comes to making friends and having relationships, I like to have relationships with people that I can talk to about ANYTHING. My best friend of 11 years(an ISFJ), my husband(an ENFP), and my dad(an ISTP) are those people. The relationship I have with others who I'm kind of close to, but not enough to share EVERYTHING is my mom(an ENFP), my sister in law(an INFJ), and my mother in law(an INTJ). Anyone else, I'm afraid that I might offend them with some of the things I say, so that they may think I'm weird, or that I'm WAY TO INTENSE for them. I tend to keep quiet until I can be assured that I won't make a bad first impression. Then I ease into conversations, and if they are showing the same intensity and similar beliefs that I have, THEN I will open up. But it's so difficult because I CRAVE emotional connectivity in social interactions. I want to know people deep down, inside and out. And if they are willing to open up to me, I want them to know me just as well.
- One more thing, I'm highly manipulative and persuasive. I don't even realize it sometimes. My husband pointed it out when we were reading about our types. Now I see that it is sooooooo evident. One of my most evident manipulations went like this:
Me: Hey Ben, are you hungry?
Ben: Yeah, I am!
Me: Oh! I could cook some roasted asparagus, BBQ chicken, and some of that rice that you like!
Ben: OMG that sounds amazing!
Me: Well, I could start now, but the sink is full of dishes. I'd have to do the dishes first. *sigh and a sad face*
Ben: Oh don't worry about it! I'll do the dishes!
Me: Okay, I'll go defrost the chicken! *rubs hand together while laughing devilishly under breath*

I guess that's all for now. So what to you guys think... am I a textbook ENFJ?

 

[Salomé]

^You sound ESFJ to me.

Any comments on major differences between INFJs and ENFJs?

ENFJs are entertaining.

Talking of which, where is Domino?

 

[garbage]

Yo, [MENTION=16876]frylockholmes[/MENTION], I'ma help by telling you what also resonates with me. Because helping is what I do. Because, you know, stereotype of whatever.

- I am always thinking about a year or two into the future and make myself miserable now, working to achieve those goals.

Yup. Busted ass in my late teens/early twenties to make a good foundation for myself. It paid off. Still progressing, trying to never rest on my laurels, but also trying to find a balance between future-focus and enjoying the present.​

- When I do get tired of working my fingers and mind to the bone, I have 4 or 5 days of an "IDGAF" attitude... but then I get depressed that I'm not trying as hard at EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE, that I go back to my usual. It's hard to find a happy middle ground.

Same, except replace "4 or 5 days" with "a few months." Then again, I'm also 'bipoolar lite,' so that's probably an explanation. Still, I sometimes work myself to exhaustion and then do need a break.​

- My Fe is so strong that it almost harms me. When I hear about someone getting hurt intentionally by another person it affects me deeply. It's been that way since I was a kid. My mom would watch a lifetime movies when I was like 6 or 7 and a woman would get raped and I would just fly off the handle. I'd cry and cry for hours at the thought that humanity could be that sick. I later learned coping mechanisms(like when I hear something on the news, immediately stop what I'm doing, pray and then imagine myself giving the victim a giant hug and tell them that I'm so sorry that this happened to them. Sometimes, I still fly off the handle, though. And if I personally hurt someone's feelings, I feel horrible about it until I can make peace with them. And then I still feel horrible for a while after that.
Doesn't really resonate with me, asidbut regarding those last two sentences, my default is to try to be as diplomatic as possible when I have to deliver bad news. I'd tended to avoid confrontation--not always, but once in a while--until recently.

- I take too much responsibility for things - and it goes both ways. If something goes bad, I tend to blame myself. But also, if something goes right, I like to take credit for it. Unless there is someone who I know that would be really happy if they got credit for it(there goes my Fe again), I will make sure they get credit.

God yes, it comes down to taking on responsibility and allowing the weight of the world to rest squarely on your own shoulders. Although, because of the depressive episodes associated with that ol' bipolar lite, I never really felt that I deserved credit for accomplishments until recently. I definitely share credit with team.​

- I'm always helping. In fact, I love it sooooo much that when I'm working(as a nurse) I like to be the float nurse so I can walk up to anyone and everyone and say, "Okay, I'm here. What do you need? What can I do for you? I'm here to help everyone." I LOVE it!

When the boss man and others are clearly stressed, I'll do what I can to help lighten the load--or at least offer. I figure that fostering that sort of culture is healthier for all of us--the whole 'strength in numbers' deal. Sometimes, their time is more valuable than mine, or I'm in a better position to do such-and-such a task anyway.

But often I forget to.. you know, receive help, because I'm one to shoulder responsibility.​

- I think I may have already touched on my Ni by talking about my need to look into the future, but even when it comes to the immediate future, I'm always making predictions on how events are going to unfold... and I'm right a lot of the time. In my line of work, we tend to be very superstitious... never saying anything out loud like, "Oh, she'll have a normal delivery." or "I sure hope we don't have any STATS tonight." I always feel like the universe is messing with us(We are in the business of birth... I think the universe likes it.).

Mostly agree here. I do trust my intuition, but I try to be careful of selection bias, wherein we choose to interpret situations such that 'we were right all along.' In any case, our gut reactions tell us (all of us, not just such-and-such a type) something. They're trained and honed through experience.

Sometimes, I act against my instincts/intuition just to see if I'm wrong or if I can learn something. Y'know, just to test things out, to see if the ol' barometer is calibrated.​

- When it comes to making friends and having relationships, I like to have relationships with people that I can talk to about ANYTHING. [...] I want to know people deep down, inside and out. And if they are willing to open up to me, I want them to know me just as well.

God, same. I almost don't bother maintaining long-term connections with those who I can't know inside and out and vice versa. I've got about five or so close friends, and two of them happen to be family.​

Anyone else, I'm afraid that I might offend them with some of the things I say, so that they may think I'm weird, or that I'm WAY TO INTENSE for them. I tend to keep quiet until I can be assured that I won't make a bad first impression. Then I ease into conversations, and if they are showing the same intensity and similar beliefs that I have, THEN I will open up. But it's so difficult because I CRAVE emotional connectivity in social interactions.

I'm not particularly afraid--I used to be, to the point of not trying--but I like making a good first impression because (a) my ego craves a lil' bit of 'being charming' and (b) first impressions can afford opportunities. They're not everything, though, and if I fuck up, I fuck up. Ah well, next time.

Depending on how I gauge some group situation, I'll either take on the tone of the group, serve as a counterpoint to the tone of the group, or change the tone of the group.

The other day, I hosted a meeting with a bunch of.. well, formal.. millions-of-dollars investors, and I treated them as though I were trying to motivate a class of first-graders. They'd been subjected to stodgy academic presentations all day, man, and they needed something different. After setting the tone and sticking with the tone, many got past their initial uncomfortability, rolled with it, and interacted. I got kudos from several of them afterward.​

- One more thing, I'm highly manipulative and persuasive. I don't even realize it sometimes. My husband pointed it out when we were reading about our types. Now I see that it is sooooooo evident. One of my most evident manipulations went like this:

I'll proceed by broadening the term 'manipulative' to mean 'manipulative, but not necessarily in a bad way as we tend to mean it.' Perhaps there's a better word for the thing that I mean.. not sure. If there is, pretend that I mean that word instead.

Kind of.. leading a person somewhere in a subversive way. Sometimes, being too direct is a turn-off--which may or may not itself be important. Especially if they're feeling heated or down, it can be useful.

With those that I'm closest to, if I'm 'manipulative,' it's a way to lead them to a 'point.' Experiential learning, and all that. I treat it as a communication tactic, much like gesticulating or tone of voice, and it's often a last resort for me. Once I've made my point, I directly state the point out of respect.

Sometimes, it's a huge flippin' joke. I kinda make fun of the whole 'manipulation' thing around the fiancee. I'll often spout some bullshit romantic line or other 'manipulative' technique, then immediately point out its ridiculousness, meaning, or intent. I can't help but do the latter, because stopping at the line itself feels like it's cheating both of us. Good times are had by all.

She's also privy to many stories of my 'manipulations.'

I wouldn't be forthright if I didn't mention that I've manipulated for my own personal gain and/or without cluing the other person in, though.​

 

[PseudoDiva]

Hi *waves* Fellow ENFJ here. Just recently discovered my type and am so glad to have found a group of people who are similar! I am married to an ISTJ.

Not much to say right now, but I wanted to say hello and that much of what has been said already here resonates with me.

 

[jcloudz]

ENFJS

Give you that warm fuzzy special feeling, like you are someone. later, after this, you realize thats how they make everyone feel and you are just a part of the slopping heap of everyone.

 

[Honor]

I must be a mean ENFJ then... all the other ENFJs seem so much nicer than me. I let people have it if they deserve it. But all the more, I do try to avoid people's feelings.

I do too. When I'm angry and stressed. It's not good.

 

[Littlelostnf]

I'm so late to this game but I have to say...well stated Domino. I agree with the above and know exactly what you mean.

 

[Unkindloving]

My most interesting experience of issue as an ENFJ is our Stepford Syndrome.
It's like when Fe decides to kick in and there's no shutdown button. On the inside, it feels like the people from the Black Hole Sun music vid, and very mechanically feely.
I cringe every time unless I really give a damn.

 

[TopherRed]

I think I hate the isolation the most. There's not enough of us. It makes me depressed when I'm trying to warn people *oh look, a problem! It's going to be a problem! You can't tell? Can't you see the floor cracking!? No I'm not weird! Why the hell must you talk about sports?! ...Oh look...the group died.* Some consensus would be nice.

 

[Olm the Water King]

My mother is an ENFJ. She has excellent people skills and always tries to make people feel good about themselves. She has no problems getting along in social settings of all sorts, and people often go to her for advice, as well as appoint her to various leadership positions. Her "soft" influence makes her well liked.

That being said, she occasionaly gets a bit harsh, especially when she's trying to get me out of my introspective "shell". She doesn't full understand the mind of an INFP.

 

[unsomething]

She doesn't full understand the mind of an INFP.

Awwwe, there are definitely NFJs who do though!

I swear, sometimes I think I am an INFP because I get Fi so much. But, yeah. I get everyone, or at least according to me I do. Hah. Fi feels better to get though.

 

[Olm the Water King]

Fi feels better to get though.

What do you mean by that?

 

[á´…eparted]

At the moment, I can't be arsed to read through the entire thread for inspiration or w/e. Here are two though that I see as common that I have something to write about:

- Manipulating.

This is something Fe does a lot, and for ENFJ's in particular I find it to be a near constant thing that never turns off. I honestly can't even tell half the time if I am doing it or not until I take a step back to think of it. When I mean constant, I literally mean it. I am back-processing and planning how to word and state every word and sentence I make so it gets towards the meaning or goal that I want. It could be small, it could be big. Ultimately though, it's carefully crafted for a reason, and it could very well be subvertive. I actually had quite a bad lying problem when I was a child. It's a long story, but after a period of truth-telling completely blowing up in my face multiple times I stopped with that. I also figured out that I was really good at lying, manipulating, and getting what I wanted. This went on for years and at several points got so convoluted that at one point I wound up falsely in a hospital and no one caught on. When you realize you can do this, no casualties can be caused in the process sometimes, and it ultimately gives benefit it can be perilously easy to slip into a pattern of manipulating and not even notice your doing it. The thing is though, most people will sense it when you do it, but you won't know.

It's just so, easy. Fe implicitly understands social dynamics and exchanged between people and doesn't need to put much thought into it either. It's automatic. combined with Ni having long-term planning and Se's snappy execution, it can organize things very well. It knows the paths things could take, and if things go amiss things can be edited in real time. I almost never get caught for 2 major reasons: The first is I self-disclose a lot, and give up as much information to "validate" things as I can. Hell, sometimes I'll overtly state what I am trying to do. The second is I don't take risks.


- Not knowing yourself.

This is somewhat paradoxical actually. ENFJ's generally don't really know their true self despite what they might think, and it can be a huge problem and lead them WAY off course. Considering that their INFJ cousins often have a "rep" for knowing oneself very well (thought the validity of that could easily be contested I'm sure), it's somewhat odd to see that ENFJ's wouldn't. Part of this is ENFJ's ware all kinds of masks. They have to; this is how they navigate the world around them. Every person they meet requires a slightly different persona, way of acting, etc. and we'll automatically shift into that. Fe's also somewhat of a slave to what's common/popular around them, and find themselves merging into this against their will (it happens to me sometimes). This constant changing begs the question "who am I really?". But not all ENFJ's are like this. A good number think they know themselves, but really, they don't. What often happens is they'll tell themselves "I am expected to be this way, so I will make myself this way." and take it on and become it. Over time, this becomes them. This is really Fe's doing, so ESFJ's do this as well, but their levels of "not knowing onesself" is different from ENFJ. The problem is this happens so frequently that they don't always take the time to assess their reasoning's behind doing this. We all create our identity, but ENFJ's don't always question why they're doing it because it's so automatic and relatively easy. So they lose touch with the purpose of it in the first place and "forget" that it isn't really "them". Mix in Ni's amazing ability to create something out of nothing, it can convince the ENFJ they are something they really aren't and they lose touch with their core.

One way around this is to try not to base the self off the external world around them, but this is really hard to do, and in many ways not how to do it. A better way is to assess why they have become who and what they are, and determine if it's actually something they like and are, or something they "should" be.

 

[unsomething]

What do you mean by that?

Fi is like a reese's peanut butter cup. On the outside it's just a hunk of chocolate, but taking a bite out of it, you get the perfect mix of something very especially yummy. Fi is just very refreshing to someone like me who is weary from always bending themselves to fit something or another. c:

 

[oneandonly]

Fi is like a reese's peanut butter cup. On the outside it's just a hunk of chocolate, but taking a bite out of it, you get the perfect mix of something very especially yummy. Fi is just very refreshing to someone like me who is weary from always bending themselves to fit something or another. c:

So Im trying to understand this although the reeses metaphor is abstract.. but basically, pleasantly surprised without having to navigate and flex through situations and people?

I use Fe and Fi.. for instance I'm very Fe until recently when I fell in love.. the person themselves became an internal value I wasnt necessarily forthcoming about the gravity of my feelings. but then of course in moments where i could have revealed this depth I froze like an infj would, is what i hear.

I appreciate all kinds of people but I only have close relationships with a rare few.

 

[unsomething]

So Im trying to understand this although the reeses metaphor is abstract.. but basically, pleasantly surprised without having to navigate and flex through situations and people?

I use Fe and Fi.. for instance I'm very Fe until recently when I fell in love.. the person themselves became an internal value I wasnt necessarily forthcoming about the gravity of my feelings. but then of course in moments where i could have revealed this depth I froze like an infj would, is what i hear.

I appreciate all kinds of people but I only have close relationships with a rare few.

Well, I was describing how I particularly feel about Fi in other people... it's this gooey, rich inside layer that you just wouldn't expect from the outside. I really feel happy when I can see the richness of someone's Fi. I find it really stimulating and refreshing.

And yes, INFJs would certainly freeze if it seemed inappropriate to reveal their feelings or the possibility of them being accepted was very tenuous. Us NFJs are very uncomfortable with vulnerability, IE uncertainty. Fortunately they probably already know to some extent if their feelings will be reciprocated and when the time is right will have no problems saying it.

And i sometimes wonder if a Fe user is even capable of truly loving someone without the possibility of reciprocation.

Whereas with Fi users, bless their hearts, yeah, would just be so afraid of getting hurt. So afraid of letting someone in. And unfortunately they DO have a much higher chance of falling for someone one-sidedly. I'm sorry, NFPs out there must hate being treated like this but I always want to hug them and say it's gonna be okay. :3

 

[Miss Understood1]

I find that I hate when my guy flirts. Not so much if I truly trust him. But when he has been known to be a hound it can be a bit inferiating. Then resenting the fact that cause me to be jealous/embarrassed followed by the" the trust is just not there goodbye"! Always in that order too. Nutz

 

[BluRoses]

I find that I hate when my guy flirts. Not so much if I truly trust him. But when he has been known to be a hound it can be a bit inferiating. Then resenting the fact that cause me to be jealous/embarrassed followed by the" the trust is just not there goodbye"! Always in that order too. Nutz

I understand this cycle. Hugs!

I have a long history of getting jealous when my SO flirts. I feel a flash of insecurity and then I am angry. Luckily I have learned to THINK about this feeling before I react to it (90% of the time...I'm not perfect) and to evaluate the whole situation. I think trust is vital to any relationship, but especially for ENFJ's and their SO's. I have found that if I communicate to my partner in an appropriate way (not by stomping away from him talking to a woman completely innocently and then yelling at him about what an insensitive jerk he is...not that I have EVER done this.) that I feel jealous and ask him for some reassurance. If he then listens to me and gives me the reassurance, then I completely cool down in like 1 min.

The nuts thing for me is that with a previous person I was in love with it ended up that I would go through the cycle you describe and get to the last stage, "goodbye!" but not actually say goodbye. I would just stew in my hurt feelings after talking to him about it and blame myself for being jealous. So unhealthy of me. I think that communication is so important and knowing your personal limits are as well. I have a personal boundary that if someone lies to me repeatedly that I do not trust them any more. THEN they get the "goodbye!"

As a side note, pretty much all of the jealousy I have ever experienced was when I was with an ENFP...I have very rarely had that problem with my INTP.

ANYWAYS, communication.

 

[Unkindloving]

I'm part of ENFJ facebook groups and sometimes they drive me absolutely batty with this misconception that we ENFJ folks have to be these Ghetto-Oprah-Mother Theresa, Unicorn-feely prancy fairies.
As if we are only allowed to do no wrong, and by doing wrong or not being over-extensively-compassionate it is the ultimate definition of "unhealthy ENFJ". By this sentiment, the majority of ENFJs have tended to be all touchy-feely "a huggle and a cookie can solve all the problems, and we dare not have a healthy and civil dispute as that is even far to violent- Oh My!"

I am unapologetic about my abrasive ENFJ tendencies, my lack of desire to fully extend and deplete myself for others, and my uncanny ability and desire to not just cater to everyone else's delicate sensibilities if it won't do anything but keep them safely ignorant. I'm all for the harmony-hands, but I shudder at the thought of kitten-cuddles just for the sake of it.

Are we valued for such doormatting?

 

[á´…eparted]

I'm part of ENFJ facebook groups and sometimes they drive me absolutely batty with this misconception that we ENFJ folks have to be these Ghetto-Oprah-Mother Theresa, Unicorn-feely prancy fairies.
As if we are only allowed to do no wrong, and by doing wrong or not being over-extensively-compassionate it is the ultimate definition of "unhealthy ENFJ". By this sentiment, the majority of ENFJs have tended to be all touchy-feely "a huggle and a cookie can solve all the problems, and we dare not have a healthy and civil dispute as that is even far to violent- Oh My!"

I am unapologetic about my abrasive ENFJ tendencies, my lack of desire to fully extend and deplete myself for others, and my uncanny ability and desire to not just cater to everyone else's delicate sensibilities if it won't do anything but keep them safely ignorant. I'm all for the harmony-hands, but I shudder at the thought of kitten-cuddles just for the sake of it.

Are we valued for such doormatting?

I have heard nothing but bad things about MBTI facebook groups. I wouldn't touch them with a 10ft poll and I don't use groups on facebook for that sort of thing anyway. It's probably best if you find a different location browse.

I'm certainly not the cuddle-bunny stereotype of an ENFJ, and I know several IRL that aren't. It just seems common because the descriptions are often geared that way and it draws those individuals in since it fits well.