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[MBTI General] A Rant About "Staying in Touch"

BMEF

Member
Joined
Sep 24, 2009
Messages
50
Dear readers,

Recently, I've been under a lot of stress because many of my "friends"/"old teachers" that I haven't seen in a long time do not respond back to the messages that I send them via Facebook, email, etc. What bothers me the most is that I'm aware of the fact that some of them are "active" members on these social networking sites. Whenever I console one of my parents about this issue, they tell me that I'm being too emotionally sensitive and that my friends are probably busy these days (because of the summer holiday) and will catch up/respond back to me later. I'm in a predicament right now. I don't know if what my parents are telling me is true. At the same time, I can't "move on" because the agony and thought of losing them is killing me from the inside.

Fellow readers, please give me some advice. Also, please share your own personal experiences and how you feel when someone "ignores" your phone calls, messages, etc..

Thank you all in advance!

P.S. I'm an INFJ.
 

angelhair45

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I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm still learning how to deal with it myself. I'm just going to ramble instead. :)

When I was younger it never occurred to me that relationships were not as important to other people as they were to me. People/relationships are something I value greatly, but not everyone does. Many people value their jobs, interests, ideal more than they value people and relationships. Therefore I cannot expect them to feel about me the way I may feel about them. Yes it sucks, but once I realized this it helped me not to take it personally. "It's not me, it's them" kind of thing.

I still get like this though. I had a very intense reconnection with an old friend on facebook a couple weeks ago. (He's and INFJ by the way) and he expressed himself in a way that led me to believe we were now going to continue on this same path in our relationship. Then he just dropped off the face of the earth with some lackluster excuse. I'm almost 31, married, and a mother; my life shouldn't stop for things like that, but in essence it kind of did. It was always in the back of mind. I moved on physically, but it still haunted me mentally. It is agonizing to just wait and wait.

So I guess, I have the same rant as you. Not really much help, but you aren't alone.
 
P

Phantonym

Guest
I think your parents are right about the summer holiday and these people will get back to you later on.

I can definitely understand where you're coming from, though. It does hurt and makes you wonder, I tend to take it very personally and it shakes my confidence quite a bit, it's difficult not to see it as a personal rejection. Unfortunately I haven't quite learned to let go of that just yet myself, so I struggle with it occasionally and I usually avoid initiating contact.

But you also have to accept that people lead their own lives and if they don't respond to you quickly it might not have anything to do with you personally. Sometimes people just need more time or they simply forget without having anything against you.

This might not be that easy to do at first but try to let go of the expectations when you do send people messages. You've done all that you could have done, you've contacted them and showed them that you care for them, which was probably your intention in the first place. This is your way or showing that people matter to you. If it comes back to you, then that's great, but if it doesn't come back in the same form, that's alright as well. Taking it personally is only going to hurt you, so letting go of that is just something you have to learn to do. :hug:
 

gromit

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6,508
I know I often want to write a thoughtful/good response to the person, particularly if I haven't seen them in awhile, so then I put it off until I have 'more time' which sometimes never happens, so then I end up forgetting about it. :(

I've gotten a lot better, but my point is that could be what's happening in this situation. Good intentions, not really delivering on the good intentions, though.
 

Sparrow

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I know I often want to write a thoughtful/good response to the person, particularly if I haven't seen them in awhile, so then I put it off until I have 'more time' which sometimes never happens, so then I end up forgetting about it. :(

I've gotten a lot better, but my point is that could be what's happening in this situation. Good intentions, not really delivering on the good intentions, though.

I agree ^. Maybe you should call them instead? I havnt seen some of my best friends in months, we all get busy and are doing different things- doesn't mean we aren't friends anymore :). I'm sure your friends and old teachers don't hate you!
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
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INFP
I do stop answering mails and texts with some people. Usually some acquaintances who start to get too annoying for me to handle. This is not anything "personal" that means they are bad people or nothing like that, it is just that the people who are my closest friends don't exhaust me. I don't know what it is exactly, maybe they just read some clues about me and know when to stop, or maybe they just aren't that extroverted.

Last week my roommate brought some guy here and the first sentence that came out of his mouth made me think that this is an energy drainer type of a guy. He was so extro, I think the ADHD stereotype fits him well, bouncing all over the place, talking about himself all the time. I think I didn't say much more than a "hello" and went away. I can't handle some people.

So, if the people who went MIA are just acquaintances, it might just be that they dropped you for some similar reasons. If they are friends, then you should maybe think about it some more.

I'm quite sure it is nothing, though. Personally I go MIA just to return after a couple of months. And this is a lot more common than stopping contact for good.
 

Lark

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Jun 21, 2009
Messages
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I dont know, there's only really one person who pulled this sort of stunt on me and I've just had to come to terms with it. I mean you dont have any control over other people you can only control yourself and your thinking and feeling.

I tried about a dozen different tacts and approaches to get them to re-engage in contact with me but it didnt work, then, I can only presume because of something going on in their own life which prompted it, one day they where back in contact with me again. We went on a trip together and a lot of things she said during that time I only slowly realised corresponded to stuff I'd sent in e-mails, texts messages and what not over a long stretch of time. Its a bit baffling and made me wonder had they had an upset or got stressed out and simply "found" a phone or a sim they'd not been using with it on it.

Ultimately it wouldnt/doesnt matter what the explanation for running hot and cold was, its just how they are, either you decide that's grand and you'll put up with that or you decide that there's no bond or relationship there. I'm probably as neglectful of some of my other friends as that but they arent trying to reach me and have families and wives and stuff. So you cant just go blundering in.

Try and not get too distressed by it, there's an irony in that nothing will be more injurious to a relationship than actually trying to hard to make it work or improve on it, the same goes for popularity, OK you can make or get yourself popular with work but if its obvious it wont work, people will say you're trying too hard. I tend to think that things like Face Book can totally stoke insecurities and anxieties.
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
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I tend to think that things like Face Book can totally stoke insecurities and anxieties.

One of the reasons I don't have a Facebook account is that I am feeling a little anxious even thinking about all the people I would have to stay in contact with. I bet that I would find a lot of people who I have lost during the years, but I don't know if that is what I want anyways. Though I don't always think of myself as an introvert, this is where it really shows. It is mostly small talk and niceties, and I don't do either of them well if I am not genuinely interested in the person.
 

Totenkindly

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Recently, I've been under a lot of stress because many of my "friends"/"old teachers" that I haven't seen in a long time do not respond back to the messages that I send them via Facebook, email, etc. What bothers me the most is that I'm aware of the fact that some of them are "active" members on these social networking sites. Whenever I console one of my parents about this issue, they tell me that I'm being too emotionally sensitive and that my friends are probably busy these days (because of the summer holiday) and will catch up/respond back to me later. I'm in a predicament right now. I don't know if what my parents are telling me is true. At the same time, I can't "move on" because the agony and thought of losing them is killing me from the inside.

I would guess you are probably reading too much personal rejection into it, if you have to state it in such a way. Most of the time when people don't respond to our interactions, I have found it is because they are busy with life, or going through their own "junk," or have a lot of other relationships to maintain and the one with me is lesser priority (which can actually be "valid" and not a personal diss of me), or they aren't even realizing that even a small cue back would be a BIG deal to me and that I might take it as a personal rejection, etc.

But let me also say that I know it is difficult to deal with. I had a really hard time with such things too -- because I felt like they were breaking the rules of engagement that I tried so hard to follow (and thus their refusal to respond meant they didn't want to talk to me), and because I just had a weak self-image where I thought it would be common for people to want to reject me. It was pretty devastasting sometimes.

Life sort of happened, I had a number of experiences where I was on the OTHER end (i.e., someone expected me to respond but I just couldn't keep up with them for valid reasons and they took it personally despite my having a positive view of them);

and I also grew to have more confidence in who I was so I did not necessarily need their affirmation and could ride anxiety like this out;

and, finally, I just realized that relationships grow, hold steady, then ebb, and sometimes I will just grow away from someone or them from me and it's nothing personal at all, it is just the way life is. So I shouldn't take it as a personal slam or that something is wrong with me. In fact, sometimes people will even make mistakes and not get back to me when they should; but then, again, I can accept they're not perfect, and if I want them to respond maybe I need to tell them, and otherwise I can forgive them and move on.

It certainly is not easy. Don't beat yourself up over it. It will take some time for you to adjust how you perceive things.
 
G

garbage

Guest
I do stop answering mails and texts with some people. Usually some acquaintances who start to get too annoying for me to handle. This is not anything "personal" that means they are bad people or nothing like that, it is just that the people who are my closest friends don't exhaust me. I don't know what it is exactly, maybe they just read some clues about me and know when to stop, or maybe they just aren't that extroverted.

Same. I go through periods where I really don't care about staying in touch with acquaintances and instead just focus on the people who really are mutually understanding and nurturing.

When it comes to keeping in contact with people I really have to work toward (personality clashes, etc.) it's just too exhausting to keep up with them.. for so little mutual gain.


On the other side of the coin, we really can't force people to do what we want them to do--such as talk to us when they're extremely busy and have only a tenuous connection to us anyway. And, when we try to do so, it becomes much more about 'me' than it is about them and/or our relationship. I give maybe two or three 'shots', spread out over time, then move on.

I'm quite sure it is nothing, though. Personally I go MIA just to return after a couple of months. And this is a lot more common than stopping contact for good.

Lots of people do this, too, and many don't think anything of it. Especially as time passes, people just have their own lives and get busy.

One of the reasons I don't have a Facebook account is that I am feeling a little anxious even thinking about all the people I would have to stay in contact with. I bet that I would find a lot of people who I have lost during the years, but I don't know if that is what I want anyways. Though I don't always think of myself as an introvert, this is where it really shows. It is mostly small talk and niceties, and I don't do either of them well if I am not genuinely interested in the person.

For reasons listed above, I've hidden probably half of the people on my Facebook list and only respond to private messages on the site when it's on my terms. It's exhausting and admittedly boring to keep up with absolutely everyone I've ever known in such detail.

It's nice to keep some connection with people you've met and come across, but, with most people, getting way too deep into their personal lives is absolutely draining.
 

King sns

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I think your parents are right. If you are very close to the people, they will eventually want to stay in touch. People get busy, and people have a lot of things going on. It's very difficult to keep in touch with every single friend and acquaintance. Just relax, let go, and hope for the best. You can't guess what goes through people's heads. You can only control your own reactions to what they do. I know this is much easier said than done.
 

Queen Kat

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Well, I know that feeling. I used to get stressed because of it, but now I learned that if they don't want to be in touch with me it's their problem. You should better spend time with people who do respond.
 

Lark

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Well, I know that feeling. I used to get stressed because of it, but now I learned that if they don't want to be in touch with me it's their problem. You should better spend time with people who do respond.

+1 FTW totally.
 

cascadeco

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Life sort of happened, I had a number of experiences where I was on the OTHER end (i.e., someone expected me to respond but I just couldn't keep up with them for valid reasons and they took it personally despite my having a positive view of them);

and I also grew to have more confidence in who I was so I did not necessarily need their affirmation and could ride anxiety like this out;

and, finally, I just realized that relationships grow, hold steady, then ebb, and sometimes I will just grow away from someone or them from me and it's nothing personal at all, it is just the way life is. So I shouldn't take it as a personal slam or that something is wrong with me. In fact, sometimes people will even make mistakes and not get back to me when they should; but then, again, I can accept they're not perfect, and if I want them to respond maybe I need to tell them, and otherwise I can forgive them and move on.

It certainly is not easy. Don't beat yourself up over it. It will take some time for you to adjust how you perceive things
.

:yes: I think I've very much come to this look of it over the years, through experience as well as simply learning to depersonalize and recognize that everyone's different, and in many cases for me to expect people to respond in the same manner and timeliness can be unfair.

The bit about relationships ebbing and flowing, and sometimes fizzling away and ending, is very true...something I've learned. And I agree it's not necessarily a personal thing at all - it's just the nature of people and the complexities of their personalities and lives, as well as one or the other or both morphing apart from one another over time, possibly. It's not really an easy thing to accept, sometimes, but when I remind myself it's not always the other person changing or walking away from me, or learning something about themselves such that the relationship isn't what they're desirous of anymore, but me doing the same thing in some instances... well, it is life, and the nature of most relationships is such that they'll have an end date at some point. We can only hope, and be thankful for, those few that survive through the decades, and can perhaps be lifelong ones; but, I think those are rare. To be cherished, certainly, but rare. Lives change, people change, priorities change... and sometimes people might ebb away for a while and then come back to you. You never know, sometimes. I think it's hard, especially, for those who are more closure-and-control oriented (Me! ;)), to be able to let go of these things and let them run of their own accord, and to accept that you can only do so much and ultimately it takes TWO to form a relationship (which is hard if you realize the other person in fact does not prioritize the relationship in the same manner in which you do), but if you do let go, and they don't pursue you in the manner you desire, then you have learned something, yes? And, while unpleasant, it then might allow for you to form new friendships and seek out those who will prioritize and value you in the way in which you desire and seek.

:hug:


Re. Facebook-specific type messaging: I've learned some people just totally suck at responding to emails, and/or have so many things going on in their lives that they simply forget to respond. Plain and simple. :) It's nothing personal in most cases.
 

skylights

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Well, I know that feeling. I used to get stressed because of it, but now I learned that if they don't want to be in touch with me it's their problem. You should better spend time with people who do respond.
+1 FTW totally.

+2

and if you decide to contact me, awesome, let's hang out, but please don't assume you're going to retain the same level of priority as those who do stay in touch.
 

BMEF

Member
Joined
Sep 24, 2009
Messages
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I wish I could give you some advice, but I'm still learning how to deal with it myself.

When I was younger it never occurred to me that relationships were not as important to other people as they were to me. People/relationships are something I value greatly, but not everyone does. Many people value their jobs, interests, ideal more than they value people and relationships. Therefore I cannot expect them to feel about me the way I may feel about them. Yes it sucks, but once I realized this it helped me not to take it personally. "It's not me, it's them" kind of thing.


Not really much help, but you aren't alone.

It's a relief to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way! I personally get pi##ed when other people value their jobs and interests more than they value people and relationships. But, then again, I concur with the "it's not me, it's them" kind of thing.

I think your parents are right about the summer holiday and these people will get back to you later on.

I can definitely understand where you're coming from, though. It does hurt and makes you wonder, I tend to take it very personally and it shakes my confidence quite a bit, it's difficult not to see it as a personal rejection. Unfortunately I haven't quite learned to let go of that just yet myself, so I struggle with it occasionally and I usually avoid initiating contact.

But you also have to accept that people lead their own lives and if they don't respond to you quickly it might not have anything to do with you personally. Sometimes people just need more time or they simply forget without having anything against you.

This might not be that easy to do at first but try to let go of the expectations when you do send people messages. You've done all that you could have done, you've contacted them and showed them that you care for them, which was probably your intention in the first place. This is your way or showing that people matter to you. If it comes back to you, then that's great, but if it doesn't come back in the same form, that's alright as well. Taking it personally is only going to hurt you, so letting go of that is just something you have to learn to do. :hug:

True! So true! I appreciate your honesty, hearing your personal experience, and your advice!

I know I often want to write a thoughtful/good response to the person, particularly if I haven't seen them in awhile, so then I put it off until I have 'more time' which sometimes never happens, so then I end up forgetting about it. :(

Now, that's an eye-opening response to me! Coincidentally, that's one of the excuses that my parents told me about people that don't reply back.

I'm sure your friends and old teachers don't hate you!

Thank you! It's very soothing to hear someone say that.

I mean you dont have any control over other people you can only control yourself and your thinking and feeling.


Try and not get too distressed by it, there's an irony in that nothing will be more injurious to a relationship than actually trying to hard to make it work or improve on it, the same goes for popularity, OK you can make or get yourself popular with work but if its obvious it wont work, people will say you're trying too hard. I tend to think that things like Face Book can totally stoke insecurities and anxieties.

For me, it's always been hard to accept that some people aren't perfect and that I can't control or ultimately perceive the way they feel or think. Mutual understanding on both ends of a relationship are essential, I think.. For instance, I know a dear friend that blocked a huge portion of his profile from my account after he moved to live at another area. Outraged by his actions, I emailed him a letter saying how depressed I felt that he has blocked me. Two weeks later, I caught him online on Facebook chat and he immediately replied back to my message by saying that he's new to Facebook; therefore, he accidentally blocked me because he was playing with the settings and he doesn't check his inbox too often. I guess "misunderstandings" always happen.

I would guess you are probably reading too much personal rejection into it, if you have to state it in such a way. Most of the time when people don't respond to our interactions, I have found it is because they are busy with life, or going through their own "junk," or have a lot of other relationships to maintain and the one with me is lesser priority (which can actually be "valid" and not a personal diss of me), or they aren't even realizing that even a small cue back would be a BIG deal to me and that I might take it as a personal rejection, etc.

But let me also say that I know it is difficult to deal with. I had a really hard time with such things too -- because I felt like they were breaking the rules of engagement that I tried so hard to follow (and thus their refusal to respond meant they didn't want to talk to me), and because I just had a weak self-image where I thought it would be common for people to want to reject me. It was pretty devastasting sometimes.


It certainly is not easy. Don't beat yourself up over it. It will take some time for you to adjust how you perceive things.

Ditto! Very well-written. It's hard to accept that fact that not all people perceive things the way I do and that what might seem like a BIG deal to me, would seem like nothing to them.

I think your parents are right. If you are very close to the people, they will eventually want to stay in touch. People get busy, and people have a lot of things going on. It's very difficult to keep in touch with every single friend and acquaintance. Just relax, let go, and hope for the best. You can't guess what goes through people's heads. You can only control your own reactions to what they do. I know this is much easier said than done.

Sweet! Hoping for the best will cause no damage.. Thanks for your optimistic advice!

Well, I know that feeling. I used to get stressed because of it, but now I learned that if they don't want to be in touch with me it's their problem. You should better spend time with people who do respond.

That's what I'm considering to do in the future if this internal struggle will continue to haunt me.

Re. Facebook-specific type messaging: I've learned some people just totally suck at responding to emails, and/or have so many things going on in their lives that they simply forget to respond. Plain and simple. :) It's nothing personal in most cases.

One of my pet-peeves is when you write a long-email to a friend, and then all that you get back from them is a retort or a "I'm good, how about you?". It makes you feel that your efforts of spicing up the conversation are shot down.
 

Sparrow

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One of my pet-peeves is when you write a long-email to a friend, and then all that you get back from them is a retort or a "I'm good, how about you?". It makes you feel that your efforts of spicing up the conversation are shot down.

Totally, it is annoying! I have come to realize that some people just arent email or phone people. Everyone has their preference I guess :)
 

angelhair45

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Totally, it is annoying! I have come to realize that some people just arent email or phone people. Everyone has their preference I guess :)

I've had it happen to myself many times. It is hard not feel rejected when you put your heart into a correspondence and they return with one or two shallow sentences.

I know for myself I am best in person. I relate to people better and enjoy other people more in person. I do well by email, but it's also easy to put people off that way. The phone is weird for me sometimes I can be very impersonal on the phone and other times I'm just like myself. I think it depends on if I feel imposed on with the phone call.
 

Totenkindly

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I've had it happen to myself many times. It is hard not feel rejected when you put your heart into a correspondence and they return with one or two shallow sentences.

Yup.

I remember being devasted at times when that happened. Eventually I just realized I had to just expect whatever someone was willing (or able) to give, and not invest so much in people who weren't willing to invest back in the ways I needed. It's okay to set personal boundaries like that.

I know for myself I am best in person. I relate to people better and enjoy other people more in person. I do well by email, but it's also easy to put people off that way. The phone is weird for me sometimes I can be very impersonal on the phone and other times I'm just like myself. I think it depends on if I feel imposed on with the phone call.

I'm not as fond of phone / in the moment communication as I am with e-mail either. The phone issue is EXACTLY that -- I can control the communication with an e-mail, responding when I have energy and time. The phone is very invasive to me; even when I have good time talking to someone, afterward I feel very drained and sometimes even a little resentful if I felt like I had to take the call.

("Caller ID" has helped a great deal, though; I'll screen calls nowadays.)
 

angelhair45

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Yup.

I remember being devasted at times when that happened. Eventually I just realized I had to just expect whatever someone was willing (or able) to give, and not invest so much in people who weren't willing to invest back in the ways I needed. It's okay to set personal boundaries like that.



I'm not as fond of phone / in the moment communication as I am with e-mail either. The phone issue is EXACTLY that -- I can control the communication with an e-mail, responding when I have energy and time. The phone is very invasive to me; even when I have good time talking to someone, afterward I feel very drained and sometimes even a little resentful if I felt like I had to take the call.

("Caller ID" has helped a great deal, though; I'll screen calls nowadays.)

I feel that way. It's so invasive, and I will feel drained, like I was being held hostage against my will. I screen calls because of it too.
 
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