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[MBTI General] INFP - good match to INTP?

Dyoni

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Jul 15, 2010
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I've been dating an INFP for almost 3 years now. I am INTP/INTJ (not quite sure which... different tests seem to give me different results, but after reading these forums a bit, I think I lean more toward INTP.)

This is the best relationship I've ever had by leaps and bounds - he's caring and sensitive without being impulsive and crazy like some other 'romantic' types I've dated in the past. We've lived together for about 2 years, and everything works wonderfully.

The only strange thing is, he seems to have no desire to get married. Marriage is something that is very important to me; I feel like that's the last step in our successful relationship together. He seems to think that since our relationship is good how it is, he doesn't understand why I want to change things. I'm not sure if this is an excuse or how he really feels, but he's not very good at lying... so I'm guessing it's the truth. I am beginning to feel frustrated and betrayed.

Do any of the other INFPs on this forum have any insight to this issue? It confuses me. Help a NT understand your type >.<
 

Eckhart

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Jan 6, 2010
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???
It is difficult to say how he feels about it, since we don't hear much about his reasoning. If I would be in the situation and against a marriage, then probably either because I am scared about the change (which fits to what you say he said) or because I feel not ready about it yet (which means I am not sure that it is the right idea, so I am not sure the relationship is at that level), which seems odd though after 3 years. Personally I feel I would want to marry the person I love and am together with after 3 years when I know the other person has the wish too... but I don't know how I would think if I was actually in the situation right now. Actually I guess I cannot help much at all since it is not like I have much experience to offer with relationships at all... so I can only imagine from INFP-perspective.

So if he is just scared by the change, then I think it would be something that can be helped about. I guess it would be the main task to find out what exactly scares him about it (what he thinks could go wrong), and then assure him that it is no issue. Without too muchpressuring obviously, although I can imagine that is a very important matter to you, but from what I hear my fellow INFP's don't take that kind of pressure very well either.

Are you two in your younger years or already a bit older, if I may ask? Might play a role as well maybe...
 

musicnerd93

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4w5
Coming from the viewpoint of a pessimistic INFP, he is probably worried. The only reason I would ever not want to get married would be because I've heard all those things about how marriage can destroy a good, lifelong friendship. When we're in love with someone, we want it to be forever, and with all these divorces and stuff going on, it probably makes him wary of the idea and he doesn't want to risk anything horrible happening between you two.

And Eckhart has a point. If you two are young (say, early 20's or so.) Then, that could be a reason. He probably feels that you two are "too young" to be in actual love. But, if this isn't the case, then...well...I don't know... :blush:

I think the best thing would be to just be patient. He'll let you know when he's ready. (or he'll drop very subtle hints, so keep aware.)

And just remember, males in general are confusing, it doesn't necessarily have to do with type. That's always a possibility as well. :p
 

Moonstone3

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I don't think an INFP would be a good match for me. As a friend, absolutely, but when it involves romantics with them, I'm not sure I'd be interested. It seems, they need more attention than I can give, and also more emotions. I'm working on these things,although I find their needs not excessive, but more outside of my comfort level than I like.
 

runvardh

にゃん
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sx/so
The problem starts with where his values are on that; then of course it could be the fear, of change. If he's had stress where this seemed close before and it went sour he may be a little gunshy to do it again. It's actually interesting, I'd almost be thinking it's more normal for the INTP to be resistant while the INFP wants to marry. Age and experiences may help...
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
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INFP
Hmm... I do relate to not wanting to get married. I don't know if all of these are INFP issues, but I try to summarize anyhow, so you can see if it could be any of these:

1) My idea about love and trust is that you want to be with someone now and hope for it to be lasting. Not to have to "make a deal" about staying together forever. It is not true if I say I will always love you, "no matter what". I don't see how I could make that promise, and I want to stay true to myself and not make promises I don't know I can keep.

2) I don't believe in god, so it is morally irrelevant if I get married or not.

3) I don't want to have any legal issues mixed with love.

4) I think that weddings are pretty weird situations altogether. I feel uncomfortable talking about my feelings in front of an audience.

5) I don't believe in "owning" people and I feel like marriage is to claim your ownership over me.

The only way I could imagine myself "getting married" and enjoying it would be if it was a very private party with the intention to celebrate the fact that we are together now, and no promises would be made and there would be no god or law involved. I would like to have a ring, though. :smile:

I hope I don't sound too harsh... I tried to get all of my prejudices about marriage as clearly stated as possible so that you could have more info than if I was being politically correct with it. Basically the idea is that I don't feel I would get anything out of marriage, but I like the idea of celebrating love.

Tell me, why do you want so much to get married?
 

Unique

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When I'm feeling a bit more oomf and zazz the INFPs like me

They seem to need to be lead and although I can do this, I don't sustain it for long
 

nolla

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They seem to need to be lead and although I can do this, I don't sustain it for long

I wouldn't be lead into marriage, I am sure of this. It is not true if I promise to love someone for the rest of my life. This is Fi thing with me and it is not possible to make it go away. The only possibility is that I am not forced to make that promise.

I do admit that I can be lead a lot if there are no values broken in the process.
 

Snuggletron

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Sep 25, 2009
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10
I feel the same as nolla, he listed some similar reasons I as to why marriage isn't really necessary(?) or desired.

Why exactly do you want to get married? To be taken seriously by others? To seal the deal? To bring the Government in on your love? etc..?
 

Unique

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I wouldn't be lead into marriage, I am sure of this. It is not true if I promise to love someone for the rest of my life. This is Fi thing with me and it is not possible to make it go away. The only possibility is that I am not forced to make that promise.

I do admit that I can be lead a lot if there are no values broken in the process.

I should of clarified... I was more talking about every day things, not the big picture... marriage etc
 

angell_m

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Jul 6, 2010
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I'm not American, so there might be some cultural differences.

Coming from a (currently) optimistical INFP. If it was me. I do not care for marriage. And it is not because of commitment issues.
It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy.


I would only get married if it was a necessesity (for her). That, because my partner might dream of it and I would like nothing more than to make her dreams come true.

I would probably not have asked the question ("Will you marry me.") unless she said "I've always dreamt of a big wedding," and "I dream of us getting married," and so on, and so on. The only problem then is that I would destroy myself by thinking "Do I ask her now, or do I ask her in a month, or a week, or two months?" and then I would think "Oh, now the 'get down on one knee'- part is ruined, isn't it? Or would it? Could it be used? Hmm."

Again... "It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy." When love is first acquired it's veracious and everlasting. Getting married would not make me love her more or be more loyal to her, because I could not be more in love with her or get any more loyal to her. If you get what I mean.
 

musicnerd93

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Males are confusing? Try dating a woman. :tongue10:

Touche. :devil:


I don't think an INFP would be a good match for me. As a friend, absolutely, but when it involves romantics with them, I'm not sure I'd be interested. It seems, they need more attention than I can give, and also more emotions. I'm working on these things,although I find their needs not excessive, but more outside of my comfort level than I like.

This is a good point, too. My best friend is INTP and I love her to death, I can't think of anyone I'd rather spend my time with. But, when it comes to a romantic relationship with an INTP, I'm not sure if I could hold it. There's too many details to explain why. It's a lot like what Moonstone said here, only vice versa.
 

nolla

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I should of clarified... I was more talking about every day things, not the big picture... marriage etc

Yeah, I kinda thought you were. I just wanted to point out that the easy going attitude, while it extends to a lot of things, there are limits, and they are the values. I don't know how we are seen by others, but I guess "spineless" would be close, hah, but the thing is, this marriage stuff... I am so freaking sure that I will never get married because honesty about these things is so important to me. :yes:

It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy.

I agree, and would even go further and say that to have that "insurance" is to not have trust in your love. Otherwise you wouldn't need the insurance, would you?

Getting married would not make me love her more or be more loyal to her, because I could not be more in love with her or get any more loyal to her. If you get what I mean.

Yes.
 

stringstheory

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Jul 12, 2009
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I'm not American, so there might be some cultural differences.

Coming from an (currently) optimistical INFP. If it was me. I do not care for marriage. And it is not because of commitment issues.
It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy.


I would only get married if it was a necessesity (for her). That, because my partner might dream of it and I would like nothing more than to make her dreams come true.

I would probably not have asked the question ("Will you marry me.") unless she said "I've always dreamt of a big wedding," and "I dream of us getting married," and so on, and so on. The only problem then is that I would destroy myself by thinking "Do I ask her now, or do I ask her in a month, or a week, or two months?" and then I would think "Oh, now the 'get down on one knee'- part is ruined, isn't it? Or would it? Could it be used? Hmm."

Again... "It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy." When love is first acquired it's veracious and everlasting. Getting married would not make me love her more or be more loyal to her, because I could not be more in love with her or get any more loyal to her. If you get what I mean.

This is more my stance as well, although i'm not male :alttongue:

NFPs can have some very unconventional views on life, especially when it comes to social values/traditions. We can be highly skeptical of things like marriage and sometimes it results in apathy towards them. i can certainly see that causing him to have more of a "meh" attitude towards it. If he indicates that he is happy being with you and happy the way things are then his ambiguity could be more about the establishment of marriage, not you.

Also yeah, age will come into play here. i agree with snuggletron and nolla, i would really examine why it is so important to you. It's not a bad thing if it is but it doesn't hurt to examine the "whys", especially if they are contributing to negative emotions like frustration or betrayal. I've known a few people (mostly women) who have driven their otherwise happy relationships into the ground due to marriage, it's really sad :(
 

Rebe

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Yes. He may fundamentally not believe in marriage. Ask him, talk to him. It could be confusion, fear or just disbelief in the concept.
 

Dyoni

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Wow, this is all very interesting and helpful. Thank you!

So if he is just scared by the change, then I think it would be something that can be helped about. I guess it would be the main task to find out what exactly scares him about it (what he thinks could go wrong), and then assure him that it is no issue. Without too muchpressuring obviously, although I can imagine that is a very important matter to you, but from what I hear my fellow INFP's don't take that kind of pressure very well either.

Are you two in your younger years or already a bit older, if I may ask? Might play a role as well maybe...

Yeah, I've tried to have conversations like this to diffuse any fears he might have about it. I don't really think things would change much between us, to be honest. I think part of it may be tied to his girlfriend he had before me. I guess she wanted to get engaged pretty badly, then when he told her that he planned on proposing eventually, she told everyone they were 'engaged,' then promptly gained a ton of weight and started cutting herself. But I would hope that he isn't relating that experience to me, I am pretty much the complete opposite of his ex.

He's 26, I'm 25. I guess where I live, that's viewed as a bit old to not be married yet. I really want to be married before I'm 30... it's a source of constant stress for me. I feel like that's one of the things I need to do to feel like an accomplished adult. And if it comes about that he and I don't get married, then the pool of unmarried men will be so much smaller by the time we break up, that maybe I would have to settle with someone that wasn't the best match for me.

Coming from the viewpoint of a pessimistic INFP, he is probably worried. The only reason I would ever not want to get married would be because I've heard all those things about how marriage can destroy a good, lifelong friendship. When we're in love with someone, we want it to be forever, and with all these divorces and stuff going on, it probably makes him wary of the idea and he doesn't want to risk anything horrible happening between you two.

I suppose that could be it, too. But I think he needs to realize that I don't want to be someone's girlfriend for the rest of my life either. I was briefly married and divorced before I met him, too, so maybe he thinks that I don't take marriage seriously. This is definitely untrue - it's very important to me, to the point that I rushed into it when I was younger. I learned a lot from the experience and I think a marriage with someone who was a better match would be wonderful. As for the subtlety thing - maybe I need to pay better attention. I miss those things sometimes.

I don't think an INFP would be a good match for me. As a friend, absolutely, but when it involves romantics with them, I'm not sure I'd be interested. It seems, they need more attention than I can give, and also more emotions. I'm working on these things,although I find their needs not excessive, but more outside of my comfort level than I like.

That's understandable. He's gets emotional at times - sometimes he'll get angry and punch a door, or he'll get really depressed and melancholy for a while. I think he's worth it, though :)

It's actually interesting, I'd almost be thinking it's more normal for the INTP to be resistant while the INFP wants to marry. Age and experiences may help...

Yeah, maybe I'm weird or something. I guess I just see a relationship as a sort of life-project that I want to keep working on and perfecting, where he seems to see it as a 'wherever life takes us' sort of thing.
 

stringstheory

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Has he given any other reasons as to why he appears to not be interested in marriage besides the fact that he doesn't think it will change anything? Or at least elaborated on that point? i don't think i'd really be satisfied with an answer like that and from the looks of things you aren't either.
 

Dyoni

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Hmm... I do relate to not wanting to get married. I don't know if all of these are INFP issues, but I try to summarize anyhow, so you can see if it could be any of these:

1) My idea about love and trust is that you want to be with someone now and hope for it to be lasting. Not to have to "make a deal" about staying together forever. It is not true if I say I will always love you, "no matter what". I don't see how I could make that promise, and I want to stay true to myself and not make promises I don't know I can keep.

2) I don't believe in god, so it is morally irrelevant if I get married or not.

3) I don't want to have any legal issues mixed with love.

4) I think that weddings are pretty weird situations altogether. I feel uncomfortable talking about my feelings in front of an audience.

5) I don't believe in "owning" people and I feel like marriage is to claim your ownership over me.

The only way I could imagine myself "getting married" and enjoying it would be if it was a very private party with the intention to celebrate the fact that we are together now, and no promises would be made and there would be no god or law involved. I would like to have a ring, though. :smile:

I hope I don't sound too harsh... I tried to get all of my prejudices about marriage as clearly stated as possible so that you could have more info than if I was being politically correct with it. Basically the idea is that I don't feel I would get anything out of marriage, but I like the idea of celebrating love.

Tell me, why do you want so much to get married?

Thanks, this is enlightening. You sound somewhat similar to him. A few conversations I've had with him have came to 'why do you want to get married at all?' or things like 'I love you and I'm not going to leave you, so why do we need to get married?' I guess in my mind, if he wants a lifetime relationship, why NOT get married?

We're both atheists, so it's not really an issue of religion with us. I guess I just really like the idea of having a husband, a partner for life. I want that stability in my life. I want to tell someone 'This is my husband' instead of 'This is my boyfriend.' Boyfriend/girlfriend sounds immature in my mind. I'll admit that the financial issues involved also matter a small bit - both of us having insurance would be nice, and I would like to buy a home, but making that sort of financial commitment with someone I'm not married to makes me nervous. I agree about a ring being nice, too :)

Why exactly do you want to get married? To be taken seriously by others?

This too, to a point. I think the thing that bothers me the most is why he doesn't want to get married, though. Is he just staying with me until he finds someone better? Is there a trait in me he's already decided that isn't acceptable, and plans on moving on eventually?

I'm not American, so there might be some cultural differences.

Coming from a (currently) optimistical INFP. If it was me. I do not care for marriage. And it is not because of commitment issues.
It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy.


I would only get married if it was a necessesity (for her). That, because my partner might dream of it and I would like nothing more than to make her dreams come true.

I would probably not have asked the question ("Will you marry me.") unless she said "I've always dreamt of a big wedding," and "I dream of us getting married," and so on, and so on. The only problem then is that I would destroy myself by thinking "Do I ask her now, or do I ask her in a month, or a week, or two months?" and then I would think "Oh, now the 'get down on one knee'- part is ruined, isn't it? Or would it? Could it be used? Hmm."

Again... "It is because marriage is not how I show my absolute love. To me, marriage is just a norm. An insurance policy." When love is first acquired it's veracious and everlasting. Getting married would not make me love her more or be more loyal to her, because I could not be more in love with her or get any more loyal to her. If you get what I mean.

That sounds a LOT like him, too. Especially the part about debating about when and how, haha. I hope he can realize that practically nothing would change for him, but it would make me feel more secure and content.

Also yeah, age will come into play here. i agree with snuggletron and nolla, i would really examine why it is so important to you. It's not a bad thing if it is but it doesn't hurt to examine the "whys", especially if they are contributing to negative emotions like frustration or betrayal. I've known a few people (mostly women) who have driven their otherwise happy relationships into the ground due to marriage, it's really sad :(

Yeah, that part scares me. I don't want to drive him away by asking him about it constantly, but the times we have talked about it, the answers haven't been very clear. I wish he would just tell me 'when this happens and this, then I would feel comfortable getting married.' Then we could work towards those things.
 

stringstheory

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Yeah, that part scares me. I don't want to drive him away by asking him about it constantly, but the times we have talked about it, the answers haven't been very clear. I wish he would just tell me 'when this happens and this, then I would feel comfortable getting married.' Then we could work towards those things.

Ah, that answers that then....

Make it known that you don't feel like he's been clear and the open-endedness of a situation that is actually very important to you is giving you a hard time. Ask him to elaborate about why he feels the way he does about marriage; i'm inclined to think he won't have a problem articulating that if you just ask. if he is not aware that marriage is something that means a lot to you, then make sure he knows. make this point right here really clear.

I hope he can realize that practically nothing would change for him, but it would make me feel more secure and content.

in my opinion, this is a point i would concede to in the right conditions.

also, please do yourself a favour and try not to worry about this unless he makes these points himself.

Is he just staying with me until he finds someone better? Is there a trait in me he's already decided that isn't acceptable, and plans on moving on eventually?
 
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