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  1. #11
    Senior Member The Third Rider's Avatar
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    Sep 2007

    Default way, seriously............ I am not sure that she knows what she wants in life and she is only making you miserable in the process. I know that my moods can change faster than the New England weather(why can't it be stable damn it?!? ) but at least try to keep them to myself and not make others miserable . I have a friend who offers me advice only once and if I come back and ask him for advice on the same topic he might give another advice or he will get mad and tell me that he already answered that question for me and if I don't take his advise to please leave him alone and goes back to his routines. In a way that makes me take his advice more seriously because he is clear with what he tells me and he will not repeat himself twice because is a waste of time for him. In reality I don't really think that she wants your advice, I think that what she needs/wants is for someone to listen to her problems (A.K.A hear her bitching about life). Sometimes you need to be tough with the ones you love brother........

    PS, don't fall for her victimization (is that even a word?) techniques.
    ENFJ 3W4

    If you read this I am sorry to say that you just lost 5 seconds of your life that you wont be getting back.*

    *Actual time may vary.

  2. #12
    Member Shinzon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007


    Last edited by Shinzon; 01-30-2008 at 11:36 AM.
    INFJ 4w5 so/sp

  3. #13
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007


    Quote Originally Posted by Shinzon View Post
    This is the correct answer I think. My best friend is a female ENFJ (my own assessment, not tested) and in my experience when they are talking things over with someone they are doing it more because they are working things out in their head for themselves. When I give her advice it's like it takes a while for the advice to be integrated into her world view. She really hates to be pushed in any direction she isn't ready to go so I find it best to take an informing style of communication and point out things which back up my advice to try and lead her in the direction she needs to go like following a trail of breadcrumbs.
    This is the probably what your ENFJ wants. For myself, I'm trying to make it clear to those I voice my disgruntlement to when I just want them to listen and when I want solutions. More often than not, I just want the listening part because I've already decided on a course of action but I still feel like I haven't vented what was frustrating me fully. When your ENFJ is in just listen mode, allow her to voice her incomplete thoughts without calling them illogical or trying to apply logic to them at that moment. When she moves into solution mode then you can start helping her mature her thoughts.

    As for this ENFJ's flakiness, I don't know what to say about that. Is this her typical pattern of behavior or did something happen? To echo The Third Rider, I try not to splash all over people so you could be in a position of her trusting you enough to see behind the curtains or she's legitimately mentally unhealthy. If she's mentally unhealthy then you need to decide if you want to stick with her during this state.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  4. #14
    Senior Member Lookin4theBestNU's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007


    Thanks for not making her or your problem w/her sound like the spawn of evil ENFJness...much appreciated. I was a bit worried by the title . My relationships with ISTJs have always had the same of mutual bewilderment and often (unintentional) amusement. I don't think I'm missing anything here but should probably check. Is she somehow hurting you emotionally, physically, or otherwise? If she isn't then your criticisms (logical, grounded advice hopefully) is probably exactly what she not only wants but needs in the midst of chaos. She may not take action but I can bet she is listening and thinking about it. I imagine you to be a very good friend !
    "At points of clarity, I realize that my life on earth is meaningless, and that I am merely a pawn in a bigger game. A game I cannot possibly understand or have control of. Thankfully, before depression sets in, I drift back into my cloudy, bewildered daily routine." **Joel Patrick Warneke**

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