• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INFP] Common INFP Issues

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I prefer appreciation to come in the form of non-verbal action oriented things rather than telling me straight out which feels about as subtle as a fireworks display - rather embarrassing - or it can feel rather meh since so many people do it. Doing things for me, doing things with me, surprising me with the things I like, that will get you a better response in my case.
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
I prefer appreciation to come in the form of non-verbal action oriented things rather than telling me straight out which feels about as subtle as a fireworks display - rather embarrassing - or it can feel rather meh since so many people do it. Doing things for me, doing things with me, surprising me with the things I like, that will get you a better response in my case.

Yeah. I like to be appreciated but it feels really uncomfortable for me when someone says it out loud because I always wonder if there is the expectation that I too have to now verbally express my feelings. I don't do it well since I keep remembering that it is all lies in some ways, because the feelings cannot be translated into words properly. It's like these stress levels jump up because there is a contradiction about the expectations. I would have to say something nice that feels phony to me, something that I wouldn't normally say. It is like the many parts of my mind turn against each other.

So, I usually smile and don't return the compliment.
 

musicnerd93

New member
Joined
Apr 19, 2010
Messages
249
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
Same^

When someone shows appreciation for me verbally, I get all shy and bashful. :blush: Where as, if someone were to give me a hug, or cookies or...whatever, I would be much more sincere in my thanking. :)
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
Yes, all friends of INFPs should have a cookie jar with them at all times.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
What about if the appreciate was written instead of in real time? Would you guys say generally that physical affection or acts of service would be better?
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
In my case, yes. Actions! It is a lot less intimidating if it is written, tough. I will most likely enjoy reading it through, but it still "forces" me to respond to it, and the response will always fell short of what I feel towards them, or it might be a polite "give them something to dodge the question" kind of answer if I really don't appreciate them.

Also, I will have to "dig" for the answer. If I have understood correctly, you FJs have this somehow crystallized image of other people that you can just write down with no problem. I don't have that. If you ask me now something about someone, I will have to go look for it in my mind and kinda "taste" what I am feeling towards them. It seems like an impossible task to say exactly why I like a person.

Personally I don't know many situations in which I would like to answer the question "how do you like me" because it is very loaded question. There are social expectations and I should still try to stay true to myself. Actually the only times I remember actually saying something like this (voluntarily) have been when I am in love with someone. And still it feels weird, even though I am being honest to myself and probably make the other feel good about themselves. I guess here it comes down to not wanting to "nail it down". If i was fair, I should say: "I feel like this today, but even if I make this statement you should not expect it to be the same next month", and who wants to hear something like that?
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
MBTI Type
INfp
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I call it "squeeky wheel syndrome". I find that he has a tendancy to rush to satisfy whoever screams the loudest regardless of the significance of that person or how good/bad that person treats him. I find myself feeling like I am left out in the cold a lot of times. So then I get upset which results in him bending over backwards to make me happy. Then I get comfy and he runs off to put out the next fire and the next one and the next one - then I get upset again. Then he comes back around. It's difficult for me to relate to becuase I treat the people who are consistantly the nicest and most considerate of me the best and the idots and asses can go straight to hell. It seems to be the other way around with him. :huh:

I'm exhausted! I've tried talking about it with him. He drives himself (not just me) crazy. Any advice short of me jumping up and down raising hell everyday?

This can be a very deep issue, and often goes back to childhood. (It often occurs when a child feels like love from their parent is conditional, so develops this near panic inducing need to make them happy, which in turn becomes an ingrained behavior that gets transferred to other types of relationships.)

Without going to a therapist, I think the keys involve

1) Increasing awareness - he needs to understand what he is doing, and what emotional triggers are causing him to bend over backwards for these people.
2) Once he understands why he is compelled to be treated this way, he needs to accept it as something that just "is". Beating himself up only increases guilt and shame, which feeds into the cycle. With acceptance, he will be able to release its grip, let the initial "I must fix this feeling" pass, and intelligently consider different ways to react. It's possible to accept what is while still recognizing there are better options.
3) Increase his self esteem to a point where he genuinely believes it's NOT okay to treat him that way.

To start off with, simply TALK with him and take time to understand and help him understand what's going on. Don't pressure him into changing right away, simply listen and ask questions. "What do you feel when X person does this?" "What do you hope to accomplish by rushing to help the person right away?" "What do you think would happen if you didn't drop everything?" "What do you think would happen if you said 'No'?" It's important that you don't judge him here if you want him to feel safe to open up.

Also, if it's family that is doing this to him, it's going to be 100x more difficult, with the gains probably being slower than if it's some crappy "friends".
 

angell_m

Permabanned
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
818
MBTI Type
IxFx
Enneagram
5w4
I wrote a bunch of stuff in another tab and then, someone important sent me a message so I had to read it, when I came back to my computer I closed the tab I wrote in. Boo! Having a bad memory sucks!
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
5,290
MBTI Type
INfp
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Right click -> Reopen (or undo if you are using Firefox) closed tab?
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
In my case, yes. Actions! It is a lot less intimidating if it is written, tough. I will most likely enjoy reading it through, but it still "forces" me to respond to it, and the response will always fell short of what I feel towards them, or it might be a polite "give them something to dodge the question" kind of answer if I really don't appreciate them.

Also, I will have to "dig" for the answer. If I have understood correctly, you FJs have this somehow crystallized image of other people that you can just write down with no problem. I don't have that. If you ask me now something about someone, I will have to go look for it in my mind and kinda "taste" what I am feeling towards them. It seems like an impossible task to say exactly why I like a person.

Personally I don't know many situations in which I would like to answer the question "how do you like me" because it is very loaded question. There are social expectations and I should still try to stay true to myself. Actually the only times I remember actually saying something like this (voluntarily) have been when I am in love with someone. And still it feels weird, even though I am being honest to myself and probably make the other feel good about themselves. I guess here it comes down to not wanting to "nail it down". If i was fair, I should say: "I feel like this today, but even if I make this statement you should not expect it to be the same next month", and who wants to hear something like that?


I had never considered that other people don't have a fairly ready picture of how they feel towards someone else. If you asked me about any friend, acquaintance, SO, relative, co-worker, roommate or classmate, I would probably be able to give a run down of my impressions of them, the reasons I have arrived at those impressions, where they rank in my heart, and my feelings towards them. I may reclassify, but it is based on the whole course of my experience with them. (Interesting too that INFJs tend to feel much more comfortable when they have defined what kind of relationship they're going to have with any given person. It provides a sense of closure and knowing how to proceed with the person).

I'm wondering if part of the reason that is not as common for you guys to have a ready assessment like that is that you tend to go on a more time by time basis with people? It's not that you don't have an overall long term picture, but I think if someone's a little different than they were last time, you take it more at face value as who they are during this particular exchange today. In my case, I would be constantly evaluating whether they fit into the picture I previously had of them, whether they are acting in character or whether I was totally mistaken. I don't think anyone ever likes being put on the spot to answer, "How do you feel about me?" I just never thought that telling someone how you feel about them (short of things like the first I love you etc) would make them that uncomfortable, especially when it is positive and you like the person it's coming from.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
I'm thinking that if you are dating an FJ, it would be useful to let them know in what way you will respond best to them expressing their affection for you. It only really becomes a problem when the way the person is accustomed to doing so is rejected, but no substitute is offered instead. It may seem like that should be intuitive, but it isn't always. For example, I would tend to show physical affection because I like being close, but I would see it as more intrusive than verbal affection so only do it with a very, very select few and even then not in the same way that it sounds like an NFP who's let someone into their inner circle would. I do like to surprise people with little presents or things they'd like, but I've found that some people really feel uncomfortable with that as well (even if they aren't expensive things). I'm not sure why that is. I've found that for people who reject some of my most natural ways of expressing affection, they often respond best to something homemade or cooked for them. Why would that be?
 

angell_m

Permabanned
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
818
MBTI Type
IxFx
Enneagram
5w4
Right click -> Reopen (or undo if you are using Firefox) closed tab?
Oh, nice. Well. Too late now. I opened like fifty new tabs since then. Thanks for the tip.
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
I may reclassify, but it is based on the whole course of my experience with them. (Interesting too that INFJs tend to feel much more comfortable when they have defined what kind of relationship they're going to have with any given person. It provides a sense of closure and knowing how to proceed with the person).

Heh, yeah, the J vs P.

I'm wondering if part of the reason that is not as common for you guys to have a ready assessment like that is that you tend to go on a more time by time basis with people? It's not that you don't have an overall long term picture, but I think if someone's a little different than they were last time, you take it more at face value as who they are during this particular exchange today. In my case, I would be constantly evaluating whether they fit into the picture I previously had of them, whether they are acting in character or whether I was totally mistaken.

The feel I have about other people is a lot more like music or a painting than words. I don't think I can ever translate it into words. It is quite good description that we go on time by time basis, but there is something missing here. It's like if I meet you know and you act a bit out of your character, I will assume this is a new part of you or a variation of the overall theme. I do take it for granted, and then later when you have left and I'm alone, I try to see how it fits in the "painting" and how it effects the whole. It is like I never feel I know enough about a person to claim I do.

I'm thinking that if you are dating an FJ, it would be useful to let them know in what way you will respond best to them expressing their affection for you. It only really becomes a problem when the way the person is accustomed to doing so is rejected, but no substitute is offered instead.

I usually try to reply anyways, if a close friend of mine tells me they appreciate me for something, I might hug them or something like that. But I do see how it can be a real problem... I think it is easier when dating someone, because there are a lot more of approved physical expressions.

I do like to surprise people with little presents or things they'd like, but I've found that some people really feel uncomfortable with that as well (even if they aren't expensive things). I'm not sure why that is. I've found that for people who reject some of my most natural ways of expressing affection, they often respond best to something homemade or cooked for them. Why would that be?

Maybe it is that I know I should be giving presents to people and so on, but I rarely do and then when you do it, I am reminded about my own seemingly unaffectionate behavior, and I feel embarrassed.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
Wow! That last statement is almost verbatim what a friend of mine said to me. She said something about her just feeling like she was a bad friend or something because she didn't. For me, it's more about finding the right thing for someone (big or little) and seeing the look on their face when they get it or knowing that you're making their life a little bit easier. I tend to accept just as joyfully as an expression of how well they know me and that I crossed their mind.
 

PeaceBaby

reborn
Joined
Jan 7, 2009
Messages
5,950
MBTI Type
N/A
Enneagram
N/A
^ how would you feel if that gesture wasn't reciprocated, at some point in time?
 

nolla

Senor Membrane
Joined
May 22, 2008
Messages
3,166
MBTI Type
INFP
For me, it's more about finding the right thing for someone (big or little) and seeing the look on their face when they get it or knowing that you're making their life a little bit easier.

Yes, that's it for me too when I am giving something. I don't expect anything in return. But I think that other people do expect something. This is a contradiction, I know. :yes: I don't know where it comes from.
 

musicnerd93

New member
Joined
Apr 19, 2010
Messages
249
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
What about if the appreciate was written instead of in real time? Would you guys say generally that physical affection or acts of service would be better?

Well, for me, any form of appreciation is fine. But, I'm more comfortable when it is written or within a physical gesture. But, that's just me. Even a simple smile or a "Hello" can make me feel good. :)


I think of all the INFP common issues, romantic relationships are my worst. Me and romantic relationships do not get along. :angry: :girlfight: Don't get me wrong, I'm a romantic and would love to be in a romantic relationship. But...I can't. When I like them they don't like me and when they like me I DON'T LIKE THEM!! :(
 

Rebe

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2009
Messages
1,431
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4sop
But...I can't. When I like them they don't like me and when they like me I DON'T LIKE THEM!!

That's...odd. I disagree that that's a common issue, at least for me. It may seem that way but it sounds extremely sort of self-pitying. One, do you notice that you are attracted to people with the sole quality of being unattainable? That's something you should figure out and not blame being INFP. If you want a romantic relationship, go out there and get it :hug:
 
Top