[NF] Soul Searching ...

[ASublett]

I am 24 and have been "soul searching" for years. It seems to be a never ending quest - I never understand myself - why I feel how I feel or think what I think, and no one else seems to "get" me either.

I often am exhausted because I tend to put on a "happy-go-lucky" face on to make people more comfortable, because I worry that if I am "myself" people may mistake me as rude/mean/arrogant/etc. I've done this since I was a child.

This Thursday will mark my last day at a job that I hate - loathe is a better word. My husband and I have decided to make a fresh start in a new place - and part of my journey will be learning who I truly am.

I have taken several personality tests within the past several months, just trying to get a clue about what sets me apart from people. I am always misunderstood. My type always ends up being "INFJ" and it describes me to a "T", but since it is so rare to be an INFJ, I wonder if I am wrong?

 

[Sailboat]

I am 24 and have been "soul searching" for years. It seems to be a never ending quest - I never understand myself - why I feel how I feel or think what I think, and no one else seems to "get" me either.

I often am exhausted because I tend to put on a "happy-go-lucky" face on to make people more comfortable, because I worry that if I am "myself" people may mistake me as rude/mean/arrogant/etc. I've done this since I was a child.

This Thursday will mark my last day at a job that I hate - loathe is a better word. My husband and I have decided to make a fresh start in a new place - and part of my journey will be learning who I truly am.

I have taken several personality tests within the past several months, just trying to get a clue about what sets me apart from people. I am always misunderstood. My type always ends up being "INFJ" and it describes me to a "T", but since it is so rare to be an INFJ, I wonder if I am wrong?

You sound so much like me. I am trying to figure myself out all the time. Why I am the way I am, why I do what I do. I am always looking for answers, and trying to improve myself on a daily basis pretty much. I also put on a happy face, and I am afraid of people seeing my negative emotions. It's because you'll have to let them in, and INFJ's don't let many people in. We think we will be disliked and judged if we aren't happy and singing, spinning in circles, with rainbows shooting out of our eyeballs. Okay, maybe not to that extreme, but I know what you mean by kind of putting on a show to the outside world.

I doubt it's wrong if it's always the type you end up being.

 

[ASublett]

Also, are INFJ's more prone to depression and ADHD (inattentive type)? I was recently diagnosed with both ...

 

[Intricate Mystic]

I am 24 and have been "soul searching" for years. It seems to be a never ending quest - I never understand myself - why I feel how I feel or think what I think, and no one else seems to "get" me either.

I often am exhausted because I tend to put on a "happy-go-lucky" face on to make people more comfortable, because I worry that if I am "myself" people may mistake me as rude/mean/arrogant/etc. I've done this since I was a child.

This Thursday will mark my last day at a job that I hate - loathe is a better word. My husband and I have decided to make a fresh start in a new place - and part of my journey will be learning who I truly am.

I have taken several personality tests within the past several months, just trying to get a clue about what sets me apart from people. I am always misunderstood. My type always ends up being "INFJ" and it describes me to a "T", but since it is so rare to be an INFJ, I wonder if I am wrong?

You sound so much like me. I am trying to figure myself out all the time. Why I am the way I am, why I do what I do. I am always looking for answers, and trying to improve myself on a daily basis pretty much. I also put on a happy face, and I am afraid of people seeing my negative emotions. It's because you'll have to let them in, and INFJ's don't let many people in. We think we will be disliked and judged if we aren't happy and singing, spinning in circles, with rainbows shooting out of our eyeballs. Okay, maybe not to that extreme, but I know what you mean by kind of putting on a show to the outside world.

I doubt it's wrong if it's always the type you end up being.

I think that certain personality types, in particular, prefer us INFJ's putting on a happy face all of the time. For example, my ENFP mom tends to get impatient with my seriousness after awhile and wants me to be lighthearted like her. If I were lighthearted like her most of the time, however, I have no doubt she would get annoyed at me for being vapid, because she respects my depth, complexity, and intelligence. Also, my IsTP husband gives me the feeling at times, as well, that I need to be Little Miss Mary Sunshine for him, yet if I were to be that way always, he would miss my deep strangeness and quirkiness that he seems to find so fascinating and amusing. I think they both get annoyed with me when I am depressed... apparently a depressed INFJ is not a pleasant person to be around. In contrast,when I am truly happy, I can be quite inspiring to people around me. I think people like me best when I am feeling genuinely happy myself. None of us should feel like we have to be smiling and cheerful all of the time, to everyone in our lives, but perhaps working on truly being your happiest possible self will let you exude genuine happiness more and it won't involve putting on a mask?

 

[ASublett]

I think that certain personality types, in particular, prefer us INFJ's putting on a happy face all of the time. For example, my ENFP mom tends to get impatient with my seriousness after awhile and wants me to be lighthearted like her. If I were lighthearted like her most of the time, however, I have no doubt she would get annoyed at me for being vapid, because she respects my depth, complexity, and intelligence. Also, my IsTP husband gives me the feeling at times, as well, that I need to be Little Miss Mary Sunshine for him, yet if I were to be that way always, he would miss my deep strangeness and quirkiness that he seems to find so fascinating and amusing. I think they both get annoyed with me when I am depressed... apparently a depressed INFJ is not a pleasant person to be around. In contrast,when I am truly happy, I can be quite inspiring to people around me. I think people like me best when I am feeling genuinely happy myself. None of us should feel like we have to be smiling and cheerful all of the time, to everyone in our lives, but perhaps working on truly being your happiest possible self will let you exude genuine happiness more and it won't involve putting on a mask?

This is the hard part - it's seemingly impossible for me! I wish I could shut my brain off, re-start it and be able to be satisfied with things ... and be comfortable with being my true self in front of people. It doesn't help that I come from a very judgmental family who talks crap about every living and breathing person on this planet! I've put on a facade for so long I can't seem to stop - especially at work. And half the time I feel like a moron because I know I look like a fool being "happy" all the time - but it's almost like a defense mechanism?

 

[Chris_in_Orbit]

Sounds like you know what your problem is (putting on a mask)

You have a fresh start so maybe try to do as suggested and just be yourself. You have yourself on a weird downward spiral. You want to know and understand yourself but you hide who you are from others behind a mask which probably ends up confusing you.

Its hard, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to take other people's minds off your radar. You don't want to be perceived as mean and all that other stuff but the truth is that it's out of your control.

You can either keep hiding behind a mask or try to be yourself and forget what everyone might be thinking about you.

 

[Moiety]

I often am exhausted because I tend to put on a "happy-go-lucky" face on to make people more comfortable, because I worry that if I am "myself" people may mistake me as rude/mean/arrogant/etc.

Why are you so worried of being mistaken as rude or arrogant?

 

[jtanSis1]

don't worry about being assertive, all part of being introvert. Be glad that you get to have depth, and that only mature people respect that.

 

[scortia]

INFJs "soul search" for their entire lives and never reach full enlightenment. But the joy comes from the search imho. I couldn't perceive my life being half as enjoyable without my rich inner life. Can't put it into words, or explain it in any way, but it's something that I thrive on... even the bad that comes with it is all wonderful in the end.

Just enjoy the ride. Some things will become clear, then maybe those things will change and you have new discoveries to make about yourself. Think about all of the people who never acknowledge the bad or unusual about themselves and what you have because you do.

 

[nolla]

Sounds like you know what your problem is (putting on a mask)

You have a fresh start so maybe try to do as suggested and just be yourself.

Agreed.

In my opinion the most annoying thing about a mask is that you will not attract the kind of people that would like the real you. The real you might scare some people away, but why would you want to hang out with people that want you to be smiling so that it hurts? Fresh starts are always good for taking off masks.

 

[mochajava]

Sometimes you DO NOT want to show your true/vulnerable colors. Depends on your work environment. For example, I was part of a truly abusive work environment several years ago, and if I had shown signs of vulnerability or emotion (anger, crying) it would have been used against me for all it was worth. In that environment, being an INFJ was a huge liability. In other environments, this isn't true.

Also - gender matters here. If you're male and you want to withdraw from time to time, that's fine. If you're female (as I suspect you, ASublett, are) then the world has even stronger expectations of you to be happy-go-lucky. There IS a lot of "pressure to perform" if you will. And it's good to be able to perform, but you have to step off the change and go out with your friends (that is, be yourself). So the right advice, in my opinion, isn't some no-holds-barred BE YOURSELF ALL PARTS OF YOU ALL THE TIME, but something more balanced -- thinking about what's situationally appropriate.

Oh, and I VERY strongly identify with your original post, ASublett. And, in response to that, this INFJ forum and just processing my visceral reactions to things with the conscious knowledge that I am an INFJ is amazingly helpful. I can talk more about that if you'd like.

 

[nolla]

Sometimes you DO NOT want to show your true/vulnerable colors. Depends on your work environment. For example, I was part of a truly abusive work environment several years ago, and if I had shown signs of vulnerability or emotion (anger, crying) it would have been used against me for all it was worth. In that environment, being an INFJ was a huge liability. In other environments, this isn't true.

I know what you mean, but I'd like to add that by not working there anymore you kinda show that the real you doesn't want to be in such an environment. The mask-free ideal is maybe something we need in the long run, and then there are some special situations when we definitely don't want to show our true colors. And they are the kind of conditions we try to get away from.

Also - gender matters here. If you're male and you want to withdraw from time to time, that's fine. If you're female (as I suspect you, ASublett, are) then the world has even stronger expectations of you to be happy-go-lucky.

This, I haven't noticed. When I am working, there is no breaks but the lunch and the cigarette breaks. It isn't any more ok for me to disappear than for a woman.

There IS a lot of "pressure to perform" if you will.

That is true. It seems like in any area women are expected to prove that they can do anything. In worst case they aren't even given the chance.

 

[mochajava]

I know what you mean, but I'd like to add that by not working there anymore you kinda show that the real you doesn't want to be in such an environment. The mask-free ideal is maybe something we need in the long run, and then there are some special situations when we definitely don't want to show our true colors. And they are the kind of conditions we try to get away from.

I wholeheartedly agree with you here -- my personal story reflects this as well. After that extremely hostile work environment, I resolved to find one that fit me, not the other way around.

This, I haven't noticed. When I am working, there is no breaks but the lunch and the cigarette breaks. It isn't any more ok for me to disappear than for a woman.

I didn't mean to physically disappear from work -- I meant more the types of emotions you show and your level of engagement. So "withdraw" meant acting withdrawn, not physically leaving...hope that makes sense?

 

[nolla]

I didn't mean to physically disappear from work -- I meant more the types of emotions you show and your level of engagement. So "withdraw" meant acting withdrawn, not physically leaving...hope that makes sense?

Ah, I misinterpreted it. That's probably true, yeah. But it goes the other way around too. I've sometimes found that men are supposed to be "colder" in work environment. Sometimes expressing happiness can be seen negatively. Very rarely you are accepted to take the whole you to the work place.

 

[skylights]

I have taken several personality tests within the past several months, just trying to get a clue about what sets me apart from people. I am always misunderstood. My type always ends up being "INFJ" and it describes me to a "T", but since it is so rare to be an INFJ, I wonder if I am wrong?

you sound very much like an INFJ to me too. :] welcome fellow NF

and congratulations on leaving your old job!

it's just a thought, but maybe there could be ways how, even if you're feeling down, you could let your compassion for others show, but without you having to exert so much energy to be someone other than yourself? i was just thinking about how it's very difficult for me at work to keep up the desired facade of a J, so i've made myself organization systems that are very easy for me and cater to my personality so that i can kind of make up for not being quite so organized naturally, and let my P strengths play out otherwise. perhaps just simple gestures like bringing the staff bagels one morning or leaving a friendly post-it on someone's desk can show your warmth, without you having to work too much to alter yourself in person? i can imagine it being very difficult to change a long-held facade, but maybe something like this could help you lighten the burden of it at least a bit.

and, at least personally, i enjoy having a mix of personalities in the workplace. it'd drive me nuts if everyone was bright shiny rainbows too.

I think that certain personality types, in particular, prefer us INFJ's putting on a happy face all of the time. For example, my ENFP mom tends to get impatient with my seriousness after awhile and wants me to be lighthearted like her. If I were lighthearted like her most of the time, however, I have no doubt she would get annoyed at me for being vapid, because she respects my depth, complexity, and intelligence

haha, i can understand this.

i would never prefer someone to put on a happy face if it was hurting them inside, but to an ENFP, someone being very serious most of the time suggests in our world that something is wrong. it's not that we don't contemplate the serious side of life too - we often do - but to me i can be reading about nepalese death ritual (which i am doing right now actually) one minute and getting into a water balloon fight the next, and it's not at all contradictory to me. i think our baseline is also just much "lighter" than that of many others. many of us also seem to work on a basis of "you have my trust unless you give me a reason to take it back", so it's harder to understand why many INFJs and other types need us to earn their trust before letting us in - that can seem cold to us, even though i understand that is not usually the intention.

happy and singing, spinning in circles, with rainbows shooting out of our eyeballs.

ENFP heaven!!!11eleven (this was initially intended to be sarcastic, but sadly, it's really not...)

 

[gromit]

I am 24 and have been "soul searching" for years. It seems to be a never ending quest - I never understand myself - why I feel how I feel or think what I think, and no one else seems to "get" me either.

Self-discovery might just be a lifelong process. I think it's great to be introspective, but I sometimes need to be careful to not let it get in the way of living (and vice versa). There's seems to be a goldilocks balance that's difficult to strike between overthinking things and not giving them enough mental/emotional attention.

This Thursday will mark my last day at a job that I hate - loathe is a better word. My husband and I have decided to make a fresh start in a new place - and part of my journey will be learning who I truly am.

I sometimes find myself resisting changes like that, but then when they come, it really is great to have a fresh start and it helps me to have new perspective on things. Good luck on the life changes.

Sounds like you have a supportive partner too, that's great.

 

[mmhmm]

i meditate so i can listen to myself.
to focus. to face things that are easily
pushed aside.

it's easy to change the external.
the internal, like any change,
needs to be discovered also.

 

[mochajava]

Ah, I misinterpreted it. That's probably true, yeah. But it goes the other way around too. I've sometimes found that men are supposed to be "colder" in work environment. Sometimes expressing happiness can be seen negatively. Very rarely you are accepted to take the whole you to the work place.

That's a very good point -- men are under a lot of pressure to act/seem certain ways.

 

[Nonsensical]

i meditate so i can listen to myself.
to focus. to face things that are easily
pushed aside.

it's easy to change the external.
the internal, like any change,
needs to be discovered also.

and sometimes the only way to change the external is through changing the internal

 

[kccrush]

I'm 37 now, but remember when I was your age and struggled tremendously with how to be fun and happy all the time with people who expected that side of me. I think as you grow older, and as you're challenged with different experiences in your life, you stretch your sense of self and you discover truly deep reservoirs of strength. I have used these discoveries of strength within myself to mark a path of self-discovery. I'm sure it never ends, and man, to be honest, I don't ever want self-discovery to end. For me, self - improvement comes with self-discovery, and it's the most beautiful thing about life even though it's sometimes very painful. As an INFJ though, I'm grateful to be able to find meaning in the process of discovery. I don't think that other types are as gifted in this way, or have such perseverance in pursuing truth and self-knowledge.