[INFJ] INFJ: Properly dealing with withdrawal episodes

[Starry]

I am going, alone, to Toronto in the winter. I have always been attracted to Ontario in general. I live right across the bridge and it's a 4 hour drive.... for some reason, I think this is where I'll end up living for the rest of my earthly life.

Awesome. I get this really happy-for-you feeling when I read this. Bring all those books you have been putting off!

 

[kccrush]

I definitely recommend what a couple of others have said: communicate that you need some time alone, and that this happens on a regular basis and it's just part of the ebb and flow of your soul. As for people who can't accept it, well, to be honest you need to take immediate action to protect yourself, so you can maybe consider a mini-door slam to just keep them out when you're in your withdrawl period. Then you come out of it and reconnect with them when you're in a better state of mind to explain it to them and get them to understand. If they still ignore you, then you need to just cut that relationship.

If it's a family member who you're having trouble with, then maybe you need to be flexible and try to come out of your aloneness to show them signs of life, but do it on your terms. Send the texts, make excuses, etc. but definitely show the signs of life.

 

[ASublett]

I'm not sure that I have ever figured out a way to effectively manage my withdrawal episodes ... I generally withdraw and pray that no one noticed. Rude? Probably. But, I don't know how to approach this with people, and talking about my personality/emotions with certain people makes me really uncomfortable - I figure most people will think I am making excuses anyway. I also tend to be avoidant because I don't like being asked a lot of questions that most of the time I have no good answers to.

 

[mochajava]

Just be honest with people. Tell them that you just need some alone time for awhile, it has absolutely nothing to do with anything that they did, it's just your personality, and that they shouldn't take it personally at all.

I like eclare's advice a whole lot. Just be you, just be firm. From the OP, it sounds like you're not completely cool with your "withdrawing" as you call it?

I have a feeling a lot of sensitive types, like NFs, need "cave time" or some serious alone time. Call it novel-time. Call it library-time. Call it your long-walks-days. Whatever it is that you need... but do get it? If you're thirsty, you drink water, no question. If you need alone-time -- why is there a question (now if only I could take my own advice)?

Here's a resource that REALLY inspired me: Welcome to For The Little Ones Inside - Home Page

 

[garbage]

This is one of those situations that your best friends 'should' be able to understand. .. and screw everyone else. It's how you're built, and your closest connections need to understand that.


Luckily, most of my acquaintances and I met through some shared weekly activity--dancing, life group, and so on. I've just stopped going to those sorts of things a few months ago without explaining myself. And when I'm ready, I can just hop back in without explanation.

And if I do need to explain anything.. then, well, "work and school caught up with me" is all that needs to be said.

 

[mochajava]

Does anyone come from cultures that DON'T believe in alone-time?

 

[SilkRoad]

Does anyone come from cultures that DON'T believe in alone-time?

I would hate it. I have a friend who is obsessed with the Middle East and lived in Jordan for a bit. She said people were always calling her up and wondering if she was ok if she didn't want to be with them all the time (she's INFJ e4 and definitely needs alone time). She said sometimes it was nice but often annoying.

EDIT: I guess I'm very much the reserved Northern type (grew up in Canada - though not exactly in the snowy wastes - and my ancestors are from Scandinavia and England for the most part.) I find cultures which don't have much concept of privacy kind of irritating, to be honest. But of course, cultures which have a very strong concept of privacy often result in a lot of lonely people. I find that living in London is not too bad for getting a bit of a balance, though it certainly can be a lonely place - even though you're surrounded by people.

 

[Words of Ivory]

Hey Quay. I remember you.

I am intimately familiar with the feeling you mentioned in your original post, though it's a feeling that for me has lasted substantially longer than a week. Everyone has probably said it all already, but really, you just need to ride it out until it passes.

People who care about you will understand.

 

[mochajava]

@Silkroad - Thanks for the perspective on such cultures. It's true, your culture may or may not work for you! Thank goodness we are born in this day and age of internet, chosen family, etc. And the US does allow you to move between cultures easily, unlike my culture of origin which is all one way and there are just so many personal space violations. Like your friend, I'm also INFJ. What does the e4 refer to?

It's a balance to get privacy/alone-time within a culture that doesn't allow it, or gain connection and community in one that doesn't. Both ways are pretty challenging, I think. We wanted to be connected, but not demanded of.

 

[SilkRoad]

@Silkroad - Thanks for the perspective on such cultures. It's true, your culture may or may not work for you! Thank goodness we are born in this day and age of internet, chosen family, etc. And the US does allow you to move between cultures easily, unlike my culture of origin which is all one way and there are just so many personal space violations. Like your friend, I'm also INFJ. What does the e4 refer to?

It's a balance to get privacy/alone-time within a culture that doesn't allow it, or gain connection and community in one that doesn't. Both ways are pretty challenging, I think. We wanted to be connected, but not demanded of.

E4 = Enneagram type 4. Not sure if you have looked into the enneagram yet, it’s also useful. I think I’m a 6.

What is your culture of origin, if you feel like talking about it?

I do think that’s the thing about living in the West – generally, you have options. Especially as a woman. My friend (who is American, but has lived away from America for a long time and doesn’t relate to it much any more) has told me a lot about the Middle East as she has spent a lot of time there. It does sound as though privacy and personal space can be at a premium, though obviously there are many other cultures where this is the case. I also don’t like the traditional prevailing attitude toward women. Not that women haven’t been oppressed and disrespected in many ways in the West. But at least I have options…for instance, I’m single but I can still have my own apartment, my own life etc. In the Middle East if you remain as a single woman, you’re probably going to be stuck at home your whole life and maybe treated somewhat like a servant by your family. As a Western woman (with dual citizenship, too!) I can choose many countries to live in, what to do for work, where I want to travel, what kind of relationship I want or don’t want, what kind of friends I want or don’t want…etc.

You're right, it is so hard to find a balance, be connected but not imposed upon. Especially for a type like INFJ, I think. My friend loved Jordan and said she felt much less lonely there than she often has in the West. But then, she also said she just wanted to tell people to back off and stop invading her privacy quite often!