• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[INFJ] Common INFJ issues

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
Interesting! I had never considered that other types with same functions in different order may also deal with some of the same tendancies...
 

RoadPaveMent

New member
Joined
Jul 23, 2011
Messages
78
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
612
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
For me anyway, I need to get all that extra stuff out and I find that having someone to talk to helps incredibly, even if I mostly need them to listen. Somehow it gives me a kind of clarity by expressing it that I can't arrive at by myself as easily. It sorts out my own thoughts and helps me sort what is important from what isn't (Ni offers too many possibilities and Ti offers too many details, so it can get overwhelming to decide what to factor in and what to ignore).

That's interesting, because I feel like talking about my ni-ti loop can make it worse. Every detail makes me more stressed out, which makes me focus on details more, which makes me more stressed out, etc. And I don't like to bring up everything I've been feeling because recounting the pain makes me crabby (devilish Si, I wonder?). What I find more useful is to ask myself why I feel something and why it's so important to me...eventually, I reach the cause and a plan of action.

I do have a fellow INFJ to talk to, but I don't like to because she assumes that the details are the only part of the equation and assumes she knows the perfect advice to give me. :|
 

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
^ And I tend to find it almost impossible to talk through anything that I'm struggling with, at least in person, because I simply can't articulate all of it and I'm often going in circles internally and the net feeling is anxiety/confusion/panic/no solidity, which trumps almost all ability to talk through, because words/thoughts have escaped me by that point. The only conceivable way I can 'talk' through something is via writing.

So because of this, I've pretty much always ended up trying to work things out/figure things out on my own. Which of course leads to its own issues, but this is just how I tend to be. :shrug:

This extends beyond mbti, however.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
I find that I can only do that with someone who understands enough that they are not going to throw up additional frustrations (by their response) for me to work through.

Generally if I want to discuss something I need to write down the details that are swimming around and multiplying to distress me. If things are too raw or uncomfortable, I can't talk about it until I can do so without fear of crying etc. That's why some things just seem to stay on hold for awhile and then suddenly they are something I can work with after awhile. I need enough thinking time that when I do talk, it is not at a purely exploratory stage - more just like looking for feedback or trying to reach more of a structure to unify everything.
 

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I find that I can only do that with someone who understands enough that they are not going to throw up additional frustrations (by their response) for me to work through.

Generally if I want to discuss something I need to write down the details that are swimming around and multiplying to distress me. If things are too raw or uncomfortable, I can't talk about it until I can do so without fear of crying etc. That's why some things just seem to stay on hold for awhile and then suddenly they are something I can work with after awhile. I need enough thinking time that when I do talk, it is not at a purely exploratory stage - more just like looking for feedback or trying to reach more of a structure to unify everything.

Yes, I can relate to that. :yes:

However, based on some other irl NFJ's that I know, I'm still on the extreme as far as more of a lack of an ability (compared to them) to talk things out.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
I have not found a way yet in that interim stage though to avoid just reverting to inferior Se behaviours like eating something, sleeping, staying up way too late, spending money on stupid things, wasting time on dumb TV. Going for walks helps some, but I prefer to do that with company.
 

uumlau

Happy Dancer
Joined
Feb 9, 2010
Messages
5,517
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
953
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
^ And I tend to find it almost impossible to talk through anything that I'm struggling with, at least in person, because I simply can't articulate all of it and I'm often going in circles internally and the net feeling is anxiety/confusion/panic/no solidity, which trumps almost all ability to talk through, because words/thoughts have escaped me by that point. The only conceivable way I can 'talk' through something is via writing.

So because of this, I've pretty much always ended up trying to work things out/figure things out on my own. Which of course leads to its own issues, but this is just how I tend to be. :shrug:

This extends beyond mbti, however.

I find that I can only do that with someone who understands enough that they are not going to throw up additional frustrations (by their response) for me to work through.

Generally if I want to discuss something I need to write down the details that are swimming around and multiplying to distress me. If things are too raw or uncomfortable, I can't talk about it until I can do so without fear of crying etc. That's why some things just seem to stay on hold for awhile and then suddenly they are something I can work with after awhile. I need enough thinking time that when I do talk, it is not at a purely exploratory stage - more just like looking for feedback or trying to reach more of a structure to unify everything.

Yes, I can relate to that. :yes:

However, based on some other irl NFJ's that I know, I'm still on the extreme as far as more of a lack of an ability (compared to them) to talk things out.

I have not found a way yet in that interim stage though to avoid just reverting to inferior Se behaviours like eating something, sleeping, staying up way too late, spending money on stupid things, wasting time on dumb TV. Going for walks helps some, but I prefer to do that with company.

In computer-nerd land, "talking it out" (or even writing it out), is known as "Rubber duck debugging": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_duck_debugging It isn't really a stretch to expand the principle to normal human problems.

I don't think it pertains to typology per se, but I suspect it has to do with introversion and the need for anyone to both process things on the introverted and extroverted side to arrive at a sensible answer.

This isn't some sort of ultimate answer. Sometimes one's thoughts are still too incoherent to even begin to explain, and the only way out is through: you just have to let the thoughts have time to settle, and THEN explain them after they stop moving around so much.
 

cascadeco

New member
Joined
Oct 7, 2007
Messages
9,083
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
This isn't some sort of ultimate answer. Sometimes one's thoughts are still too incoherent to even begin to explain, and the only way out is through: you just have to let the thoughts have time to settle, and THEN explain them after they stop moving around so much.

Yeah... to the bolded, I agree. The problem is that this can take an awful long time for me sometimes...sometimes weeks or months, if everything is incredibly amorphous and it's not something I can actually 'think' through and it's just a lot of hazy nothings, but perplexing enough to me that the same qualms keep resurfacing.

It tends to be compounded as it's never one issue I'm tackling... the nature of how I operate, it seems, is that when one question/worry crops up, every conceivable linkage needs to be addressed at the same time, as it all ties together. So I end up having to figure out all answers simultaneously, to figure out just the initial bug that prompted everything. And especially prior to settling, I could easily hurt the other person by the very nature of the doubts and questions I'm experiencing, and/or be completely wrong about what I am actually thinking in the particular moment, especially if I am questioning the essence of the relationship, what I want/need, etc, and I have absolutely no idea in the interim. (most of my struggles involve relationships I am in)
 

Redbone

Orisha
Joined
Apr 27, 2010
Messages
2,882
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
What do you think some common INFJ problems are in their relationship with parents?

Do any of you struggle with having a bad temper?
 

Z Buck McFate

Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
Messages
6,048
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Do you mean as an adult, or as children? (or both?)
 

Z Buck McFate

Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
Messages
6,048
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
As a teen. I have a 14-year-old daughter. Pretty certain she is INFJ.

Ha. Good luck.

Seriously though, are there any specific questions? I was terrible, so I might have some useful feedback. I'm always surprised when I see descriptions of how INFJ children are 'cooperative' and 'eager to please'- it was not my experience. And I have an INFJ son who is now 18- I actually get along with him surprisingly well and I think it's because I was so horrible myself, I understood where he was coming from when he'd get hung up on certain things and I could cut a lot of it off at the pass (before it escalated to how I behaved myself as a teenager). Most- if not all- the bad behavior/attitude was aimed at my parents. I could come up with a bullet point list of the big 'uns, but specific questions would yield a faster response.

eta:specific questions would yield a faster response from any of us, is what I should have said- INFJs seem to do better with more specific questions in this regard.

eta, worth mentioning: I'm actually female, though my avi/username would suggest otherwise.
 

Ten

New member
Joined
Apr 13, 2012
Messages
19
MBTI Type
nfj
Enneagram
5
Ha. Good luck.

Seriously though, are there any specific questions? I was terrible, so I might have some useful feedback. I'm always surprised when I see descriptions of how INFJ children are 'cooperative' and 'eager to please'- it was not my experience. And I have an INFJ son who is now 18- I actually get along with him surprisingly well and I think it's because I was so horrible myself, I understood where he was coming from when he'd get hung up on certain things and I could cut a lot of it off at the pass (before it escalated to how I behaved myself as a teenager). Most- if not all- the bad behavior/attitude was aimed at my parents. I could come up with a bullet point list of the big 'uns, but specific questions would yield a faster response.

eta, worth mentioning: I'm actually female, though my avi/username would suggest otherwise.


Yes, I too was quite a horrible child/early teen. I was what they called feisty, I was extremely argumentative and vaguely enjoyed making at least two grown women who were my neighbors miserable and I could also be quite unkind to my close caregivers although I did not see it as such at the time.

I excelled academically...far above my peers and was quiet/well behaved at school so I can see how someone looking at the INFJ child from a distance might see us/them as cooperative and pleasant. I changed somewhere in mid to late teens and became far more sensitive and developed over the top empathy for others but before that in just about every way I was like a sort of asshole INTP with very low Fe and high Ti which runs contrary to how it is said that functions develop. I think in some ways, I kind of hope that I do not have children who are like the way I was because I was manipulative, rude, totally irreverent and hard to manage for a good few years there. However, I would very much like my children to be as naturally street-wise and perceptive about others as I was as a child, that came in extremely handy.
 

Z Buck McFate

Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
Messages
6,048
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I excelled academically...far above my peers and was quiet/well behaved at school so I can see how someone looking at the INFJ child from a distance might see us/them as cooperative and pleasant. I changed somewhere in mid to late teens and became far more sensitive and developed over the top empathy for others but before that in just about every way I was like a sort of asshole INTP with very low Fe and high Ti which runs contrary to how it is said that functions develop.

Yeah, I ‘played the game’ in places like school, or friends’ houses- I was pretty good at picking up on social rules because I was always averse to stirring up trouble in foreign environments. I think I only had one detention the entire time I was in highschool- but I was more than comfortable with testing my parents (mostly my mom) and I did at every turn. I knew what buttons to push. Junior highschool was the worst of it.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
I was a pretty good kid, but I think that had a lot to do with how I was handled. There wasn't a big need to rebel because I was well provided for, given many opportunities to talk and have input, I had someone who was looking ahead, I had strong (but not dictatorial leadership), and someone anticipating what I may need in the future. My relationship with my mum was pretty close and open, and she often seemed to know what was bothering me even before I could articulate it and did what she could to mitigate before or acknowledged that she couldn't give me exactly what she knew I wished for but attempted to make it up in some other way. She also didn't give any advice or directions that she wasn't already prepared to do herself. There were guiding principles much more than rules. That went a long ways towards making me feel like making things work for her as well.

If I felt cornered or shut up though, I suspect that I wouldn't have been a very compliant child.
 

SubtleFighter

New member
Joined
Jan 6, 2011
Messages
253
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
For me personally, I've always tended to be someone who has a general "wants harmony" demeanor--but underneath it all, I am independent, will question authority, and will do what seems best to me. Buuut . . . with my parents, I was a lot more comfortable with them and didn't feel as much of a need to project the harmonious aura. I don't remember much from being a child, but once I hit about 12, I was really in a mode of "I will do what I want, and I don't care if my authority figures disagree with me." I did some things when I was a teenager that on a large scale rebelled against the traditions that they tried to instill in me, and that baffled them.

I also had one parent who was completely authoritarian and one who was completely hands off. Both approaches rubbed me the wrong way as I bristled against the authoritarian one, and I desperately wanted guidance from the hands off one. What I needed was something in the middle--advice without sledgehammer demands.

Temper? Ha . . . well, guilty as charged. I'm better at this as an adult . . . but yeah, my teenage years were not pretty in that regard. Some of it was a reaction to circumstances in my life that I still think was a justified reaction. But some of this was me testing my boundaries or was simply me saying that I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and so it was inevitable.
 

Z Buck McFate

Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
Messages
6,048
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I read this blog entry today at Personality Junkie and it reminded me of the last convo in this thread.


From a young age, the INFJ innately senses the difference between behavior that is authentically motivated (i.e., spiritually and psychologically healthy) and behavior that is inauthentic or ego driven (i.e., spiritually and psychologically destructive). Respect out of duty isn’t freely given by INFJs who (to the chagrin of their elders) tend to see adults and children through the same lens and then judge them by this universal qualification: authenticity. If respect has been earned and the INFJ intuits an individual to be primarily authentic (or at least trying to live more authentically), it can be a huge letdown for INFJs when that individual shows him or herself to be a “sinner” or imperfect. Truly, the INFJ doesn’t feel she is being unreasonable, since these are the same (perhaps even less stringent) expectations she places upon herself. Often, it isn’t until the INFJ’s tertiary Ti comes into play that she begins to rationally understand typological differences and thereby exercises greater patience and grace for some types’ need to learn (what in her view amounts to) “the hard way.”

This was a significant problem for me when I was younger. I just knew when someone had put critical thought into what they were expecting of me and I really didn’t make any distinction between adult or child, I just instinctively felt respect where I saw authenticity. It really puzzled me to see other children cooperating in situations strictly from a sense of duty. Though I’d disagree with the assertion that I didn’t feel like I was being unreasonable; it made me feel like bad kid actually, because I’d see other kids complying to the authority of adults without the same qualification I needed myself- even though I behaved well for everyone outside my family (it just wasn’t worth kicking up external conflict to me)- I still felt like a bad kid in comparison. I just didn’t feel much respect for adults who were just going through the motions and expecting ‘senseless’ (because that’s how it seemed to me) cooperation from the people around them though, in spite of how much I also felt like I ‘should’ be feeling it. I just saw them as big children. It was very confusing to me. I needed to be allowed to question things to thrive and feel connected/engaged- and in school environments where that was stifled and I wasn’t allowed to question, I’d just daydream to escape instead.

I think it was in highschool that I finally started realizing that people do the best they can with what they know, and I softened up a bit. Anyway, this was the first time I've found something like this written somewhere. I found it validating. Other descriptions I've read describe INFJ children as being cooperative and eager to please- and maybe that's the case when solid attachments are made early on- but it wasn't especially the case for me.
 

the state i am in

Active member
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
2,475
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
i didn't like other people. i felt like everyone was hypocritical and full of shit. i thought that everything should be perfect as i imagined it to be. i hated anyone who did not respect my boundaries, yet i longed for connection.

i know for me i realized rather quickly that the world my parents lived in and the world of my fellow classmates and neighbor friends could not be reconciled. and i stopped believing that anyone was good, because i knew i could never be good in all the domains that had shown themselves to me to be mutually exclusive. so i acted out whenever anyone placed expectations on me. i became extremely stubborn. i pretended that what they wanted simply did not matter. i was somewhat vindictive.
 

iNtrovert

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2012
Messages
359
MBTI Type
Ni
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
Tendancies:
8) Not creating clear enough boundaries for people around them - there's a tendancy to respond to those who are most actively demanding attention, especially when younger. Also the need to be sure that they've looked at everything from all angles, made a correct assessment of all possible motivations and exhausted what they can do to impact the situation before really drawing a hard and fast line. I think this improves with age.

9) Find it difficult to assess when is the time to make a Big Deal out of something - Their reaction to something really depends on the other person's response. They may find it easy to forgive something or deal with it on their own if the person recognizes that they are making a concession. If the person trivializes or continues on with more of the same behaviour, it's the last straw (in a very big load of straws!) and the other examples of where they have seen the same behaviour will be brought up.

10) Hate being not in control of their emotions, yet sometimes underestimate how strong those emotions are till they are swamped by them. - (Note, not a good time for Ts to talk about how over-sensitive and emotional they are, as they despise being that way and are already terribly embarrassed).

11) Get less receptive to advice if the other person tries to skip over the venting that they need to do in order to bleed off excess emotion or when they feel the person hasn't taken enough time to understand the situation. Often their solutions are gained primarily from discussion with someone, not from getting the answers from someone.

12) Sometimes have a hard time recognizing when they need to pull back or give less so that they can continue doing so cheerfully. This seems to be the case especially with Ts.

My bf of 4+ is a T's. It's a very accurate portrait of an INFJ's reactions and responses to a T and things T's ie(my boyfriend) should not do lol. I identify very strongly with all of these tenancies tho very interesting thread. I wish I discovered it sooner.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
14,037
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
496
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I was overly compliant as a child and teen. I had a lot of trouble connecting socially and didn't make any close friends. I would approach the lonely and socially misfit students and befriend them, but tended to do more listening than personally sharing. I was in intense internal pain, withdrawn, and at risk for a lot of things. This was mostly unnoticed because of my external compliance, good grades, generally smiling at people, etc. Nature saved my life. I would sit alone and think and feel connected to all of reality. It was something I couldn't feel amongst people, even though I observed and made great effort to understand them internally. I couldn't play the social games.

I would recommend helping a young INFJ (if anything along the lines of me) be involved in activities with other people and where they can achieve. I regret not being in ballet, track, symphony, a rock band, etc. Some type of physical activity is necessary for extremely abstract and internal teenagers. There needs to be a simple, concrete way to get the angst and darkness out. I retreated to some self-harming to process mine, but I think a structured physical activity would have kept me from struggling with that issue. I should add that sports with social dynamics as the game did not work for me at all. I couldn't compete. Track, gymnastic, ballet were more healthy for me because they are more independent. You don't have to interact with others in that same competitive way.
 
Top