[INFJ] Common INFJ issues

[Random Ness]

I have posted a Mirror for your convenience.. I suggest you go take a good long look in it.
especially if you are going to start talking about assumptions and intentions..

I will also advise you, to next time mind your own business or read the whole thread before you go on a tirade against someone you don't know.
Foot in mouth disease can be cured. It always starts with you.

Regards

I was going to find out your intentions but no longer felt the need to. Next time I'll ask if anyone has replied to the post. It has caused a lot of confusion and I'm sorry.

However, I find it very difficult to get anything said if someone is using sarcasm in an insulting manner. If that is the way you choose to talk to me, I am not going to reply with submissive or pretty posts. Being either submissive or offensive is not really effective when sarcasm is in use, I have found.

I don't have anything else to say.

 

[Arclight]

I was going to find out your intentions but no longer felt the need to. Next time I'll ask if anyone has replied to the post. It has caused a lot of confusion and I'm sorry.

However, I find it very difficult to get anything said if someone is using sarcasm in an insulting manner. If that is the way you choose to talk to me, I am not going to reply with submissive or pretty posts. Being either submissive or offensive is not really effective when sarcasm is in use, I have found.

I don't have anything else to say.

Hmm well Did I feel you were hostile from the get go.. or were you?.

Maybe you weren't? Which is why I thanked your 1st post and left it at that.

But me feeling it makes it real for me. you have done nothing until this last post to disarm me.

If you did not recognize that I was feeling a little on the back foot. Then read the whole thread

There are a few pages in this thread devoted to the Medium having more power than the Message, and many INFJs claimed this is paramount to communication.

Maybe if you came asking questions instead of making statements, I wouldn't have misunderstood you?

Anyway.. I would rather we be friends than not. So I am going to offer you an olive branch.. call it a misunderstanding .. and look forward to your contributions to this forum.

 

[chelsea]

There are a few pages in this thread devoted to the Medium having more power than the Message, and many INFJs claimed this is paramount to communication.

I have to interject here because this is very true, at least for me. You mentioned earlier that INFJ's have difficulty with criticism and that's definitely true with this INFJ. In my case, how it's said makes a world of difference and on the internet this becomes very apparent as misunderstandings are rampant.

Although I believe that criticism should always be civil, tactful and constructive, I'd bet that this is especially important for INFJ's, at least it is for this one. I'm sensitive

Oh and this...

Anyway.. I would rather we be friends than not. So I am going to offer you an olive branch.. call it a misunderstanding .. and look forward to your contributions to this forum.

I like that, good for you Arclight

 

[Random Ness]

Hmm well Did I feel you were hostile from the get go.. or were you?.

Saying "please" is not trying to be hostile... I was trying to comment on negative things and it's hard to do that being positive...

Maybe you weren't? Which is why I thanked your 1st post and left it at that.

It sounded very much like sarcasm, and then your next post laced with sarcasm made me think it really was. Now I know that post wasn't sarcasm, I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions, but most of your other posts did have nasty sarcasm.

Anyway.. I would rather we be friends than not. So I am going to offer you an olive branch.. call it a misunderstanding .. and look forward to your contributions to this forum.

If someone uses sarcasm and is okay with it (if that is the case here)...there will be friction...

However I would like to do that, too. Let's try to start over from here.

 

[Fidelia]

I've found that if you observe for awhile, it helps to get a better picture of what people are really like and if you want to interact with them. When I first got here I didn't know how to take INTP humour and I also waded into the middle of a couple of fights between others when it would have been better to leave well enough alone. Takes time to figure that out though. Generally when you find someone reacting with sarcasm or hostility, it more often means just that you are missing a little bit of needful information that would put their behaviour in perspective, or they are decent folks but under a lot of stress and a little scratchier than they normally would be. It rarely is worth taking personally.

 

[Random Ness]

Generally when you find someone reacting with sarcasm or hostility, it more often means just that you are missing a little bit of needful information that would put their behaviour in perspective,

Well, if I had known saying "thank you for your ideas" was not sarcasm and hadn't assumed it was, this whole mess could have been avoided.

My experience with sarcasm is slightly less positive. If I argue with someone who uses it, and then say I'm sorry for getting defensive and say they are right, they are usually like, "Damn straight! So you admit you're dumb." And if I keep going on the defensive, they continue to using sarcasm in insulting ways. It is difficult to see someone in a good light who does that (perhaps it's a "common INFJ issue" but that would also make it a "common INTP issue"; it goes both ways). Luckily unlike I feared Arclight did not say "so you admit you're dumb" or something so it is a little different in this thread's case.

 

[Random Ness]

On par with the thread now, on the topic of asking questions vs. declaring statements this page is interesting:
Asking and declaring - Wikisocion

The INFj/EII is a Declarer, and the ENFj/EIE is an Asker. Though socionics and MBTI aren't directly correlated...

 

[runvardh]

Arclight, I find in these situations it's best not to respond, fills less pages with bickering if the other side doesn't exist.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

One issue I face which might be an INFJ thing is a tendency to internalize things. One example is that I usually plan ahead especially for work-related things, and I mean WAY ahead. When I teach a class online I have every lecture and assignment made before the first day of class. When I get a last-minute job where I don't have computer access or keys, etc. until after the class starts and am busy creating lectures the day before, I really struggle with anxiety although no one would ever dream. Externally I'm really laid back, never get ruffled, am prepared and professional, but like today, I came close to throwing up because of not having time to catch up and prepare. That's the part of me that seems J - that I plan and organize and don't just do things on the fly. I just wish I could keep the super laid-back external aspect and internalize it.

I don't know if other INFJs are externally laid back while being internally wound up, but that is my issue for sure.

 

[cascadeco]

One issue I face which might be an INFJ thing is a tendency to internalize things. One example is that I usually plan ahead especially for work-related things, and I mean WAY ahead. When I teach a class online I have every lecture and assignment made before the first day of class. When I get a last-minute job where I don't have computer access or keys, etc. until after the class starts and am busy creating lectures the day before, I really struggle with anxiety although no one would ever dream. Externally I'm really laid back, never get ruffled, am prepared and professional, but like today, I came close to throwing up because of not having time to catch up and prepare. That's the part of me that seems J - that I plan and organize and don't just do things on the fly. I just wish I could keep the super laid-back external aspect and internalize it.

I don't know if other INFJs are externally laid back while being internally wound up, but that is my issue for sure.

One thing that has surprised me in receiving feedback in recent years is that people have commented that I appear to be very calm and peaceful as a general mode of being/expression. I got that commentary from more than one with the mbti video posting thing this past winter, and I can see that, but what's interesting is that while yes, much of the time I think I AM in fact rather calm, the other half of the time I'm not, and am internally spinning around and not feeling calm in the slightest.

Even in work reviews I was commended on my adaptability. So, yes, I think I do a good job of appearing externally calm, even in tense situations. Actually that's something I strive for.

I think in general I tailor my life so as to minimize stress as much as possible, so the stress that you're speaking of is something I try to avoid and so don't experience very much as a result.

But, I have had a few jobs in the past that been very, very extroverted in nature, and that have involved a considerable amount of public speaking and engagement, and I **had** to be really, really prepared ahead of time to feel remotely comfortable. I basically had to have my presentation memorized, to be honest. Only after feeling totally solid with the overall, 'memorized' presentation/outline, was I able to then incorporate more random things on the fly, and be able to be more spontaneous in little bursts to tailor to an individual class or quesiton. So when I have it all prepared in my head ahead of time, I am able to pull off the extroverted-ness quite well and I do pretty well in that public speaking role. But if I have to speak/present on the fly?? All of that goes out the window. It's a huge, huge weakness for me. I, too, would be sick to my stomach, and when I've had to get up and present before I feel I have all of it really worked out in my head, I end up feeling really insecure and am not satisfied with my presentation - not satisfied with any sort of lack of preparation that might be noted by others. It's a big reason I haven't been drawn to the education/teaching realm in a permanent capacity... I know I suck at on-the-fly stuff, and I'd have to spend so much time preparing ahead of time the night before that it would consume my entire life. The nature of the job would be the death of me. lol. Sure, I think eventually I could get better at it, but it's just so far out of my natural way of being that I think it would always be a low- or medium-level stressor in my life, which I don't think I'd be able to do in the long haul.

 

[Fidelia]

In some respects I don't have the need for organization (nor the inclination towards it) that Toonia describes. However, I have found that I don't do well with surprises suddenly sprung on me about what will be expected of me, or without any mental downtime to prepare. I used to do clinics for a lady that seemed like an ADD adult. No lunch breaks etc were scheduled and she never mentioned how much performing material I would need for the night concerts or when that would be, nor was there half an hour down time to feel mentally ready. I would teach back to back lessons all day, then have a quick practice with the lady and then go off to the concerts. I didn't like that at all! As long as I have a mental structure of some sort inside, I don't mind improvising on the spot, but I don't like to have unexpected expectations put on me.

 

[garbage]

I care most about organization, getting my stuff together, and scheduling when it affects other people--that is, when they wouldn't be able to do their jobs effectively otherwise.

 

[garbage]

Also:

"What are you thinking?"

"Uhm.. "

You want an answer? Let me think about what I'm thinking first

 

[tommyc]

I have big emotional ups and downs. I think I dislike the ups as much (if not more) than the downs because I know I will bump back down to earth soon and it will be painful.

Agree about the avoidance issue. My Dad asked me if I wanted to go see him this holiday but I said no. I felt really awful about letting him down and avoided checking my hotmail for like two weeks (which made me feel worse because I knew hed think I was ignoring him).

Me and my mum are pretty hard on each other (shes enfp). Theres not too much sympathy between us. It tends to disturb me when I go home and we dont seem to click. Sometimes I feel its just my fault. Maybe this issue is because im an only child.

I feel like I run on autopilot. My mind basically reacts to how I'm feeling. If I feel happy, suddenly I get all sorts of grandiose thoughts. When I feel sad, negative thoughts start whirring through my head, over and over again. I feel I have no control of my brain. To be honest, I tend to feel like my brain is working against me.

When I'm around my friends, I am very self-deprecating and basically encourage others to take the piss out of me. Usually I'm fine with it and actually enjoy it, but sometimes they take it too far, and suddenly I'll just start to take offense, without warning.

These might be specific to me I'm not sure - Im like 49% Ti. Im pretty much as Ti as you get for an INFJ.

 

[SilkRoad]

One issue I face which might be an INFJ thing is a tendency to internalize things. One example is that I usually plan ahead especially for work-related things, and I mean WAY ahead. When I teach a class online I have every lecture and assignment made before the first day of class. When I get a last-minute job where I don't have computer access or keys, etc. until after the class starts and am busy creating lectures the day before, I really struggle with anxiety although no one would ever dream. Externally I'm really laid back, never get ruffled, am prepared and professional, but like today, I came close to throwing up because of not having time to catch up and prepare. That's the part of me that seems J - that I plan and organize and don't just do things on the fly. I just wish I could keep the super laid-back external aspect and internalize it.

I don't know if other INFJs are externally laid back while being internally wound up, but that is my issue for sure.

Yes, completely. I feel for you, I really do because I can be exactly the same day. I am having one of those "externally calm, trying not to throw up" days right now...work stress. People tell me I seem so calm and balanced and I think a big part of my personality is genuinely calm and balanced. But with the whole internalizing thing I can get so terribly wound up, stressed and paranoid inside...

 

[JFNI]

agreed on EVERYTHING.

 

[visaisahero]

fidelia: I really love how you deal with things that you want to improve or work on. ♥

 

[angell_m]

I have big emotional ups and downs. I think I dislike the ups as much (if not more) than the downs because I know I will bump back down to earth soon and it will be painful.

I feel like I run on autopilot. My mind basically reacts to how I'm feeling. If I feel happy, suddenly I get all sorts of grandiose thoughts. When I feel sad, negative thoughts start whirring through my head, over and over again. I feel I have no control of my brain. To be honest, I tend to feel like my brain is working against me.

When I'm around my friends, I am very self-deprecating and basically encourage others to take the piss out of me. Usually I'm fine with it and actually enjoy it, but sometimes they take it too far, and suddenly I'll just start to take offense, without warning.

These might be specific to me I'm not sure - Im like 49% Ti. Im pretty much as Ti as you get for an INFJ.

That pretty much sums me up.

 

[violaine]

1. Privacy. I don't wish to change but it's apparently an issue for others. I do know I'm at the extreme end. Do not read my notebooks, do not spy on me online and do not divulge something very personal that I told you, especially in a frivolous fashion. The former will give me the icks, the latter will get you booted out of my life. I would possibly forgive cheating before I could forgive that.

2. Self-reliance. It doesn't mean I always achieve it, especially at times when I am reaching for multiple goals. But I am very uncomfortable if I have to depend on someone else. It makes a relationship tough if the needs of the relationship conflict with my desire to make sure I can stand on my own two feet. e.g. putting my career on hold to be with someone whose career requires traveling or living elsewhere. I can do it but I'm hugely uncomfortable and it's a big leap of faith that the other person will remember the sacrifice you are making to be with them. I don't trust power imbalances like that in a relationship. Strangely enough, I have no issue with supporting someone. This is what makes it an issue though, I can't accept that from someone else because I don't trust them to be fair.

3. Dropping off the face of the earth. Again, not a problem for me but it is for others and in hindsight, I can see that it seems I don't care. When I am under the gun emotionally though it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other as in paying my bills and eating.

4. Being inexpressive (so I'm told). Idk if others experience their feelings the way I do but I'm actually very uncomfortable with difficult feelings and feelings that threaten to disrupt my equilibrium. I like being calm. I prefer to be stoic. IRL my intimates think of me as rather unfeeling which always brings a wry smile to the face and then if they keep going, seriously pissed off silence. As though I haven't explained myself umpteen times before. And as though I haven't been the same way my entire life. Lol.

4a. I don't like someone trying to elicit an emotional reaction from me either. It greatly annoys me. I should say that I do test as INTJ and I do identify with some of the descriptions but perhaps due to the very Fe-oriented way I was raised, people are important to me. I am more driven than INTJs I know to connect, explain myself and find harmony, esp in debate.

5. Oh yes, another thing that I shut down with is the "I'm right/you're wrong" style of conversation/debate. It's uncreative and boring, my mind can't grip because all I can see is point scoring, which makes it pointless (point-less even, nil all.). In discussion, I am interested in finding the truth of something or revealing something new. I don't want to hear someone just parrot what they learned from someone else. I like when someone runs it through their own world-filter first.

6. Forced competition annoys me. I guess I pull the unbeatable move of refusing to compete, haha.

7. I don't like repeating myself seemingly endlessly.

8. Trouble leaving bad relationships. I try to ask myself regularly "is this working?" It helps.

9. Selective, extreme misanthropy. i.e. Extreme dislike of braggarts. Maybe this is more of a personal thing than related to a liking for authenticity that I figure INFJs share, but, ugh!!! STFU already. It makes me think(/know) you are standing on thin air. Loudmouths also drive me nuts.

10. Finishing people's sentences. The biggest way I annoy people is that I do the sentence finishing thing when it's an exciting conversation :/. I hate myself after when I do that. Short of holding my hand over my mouth (which I have done before) it's very hard for me to not jump on something someone says when we are vibing. This is a serious problem for me and I'm a repeat offender. :/

 

[MonkeyGrass]

I can actually relate to ALL of the things you mentioned.

It made me laugh to see the interplay of all of them, and the perfect storm it tends to create every so often. The desire to help everyone, the spreading of myself too thin, the arranging my emotional chess pieces soooo carefully so I'll have enough energy to deal with a situation (only to have someone not come through or through me a curvebal, and really throw me off my game), usually resulting in getting swamped with feelings I've been ignoring/unaware of for quite some time, and getting incredibly angry or sad in front of someone with no warning.

Oh. And because I have really crappy Si, forgetting to eat or use the bathroom until it's really desperate.