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[NF] i need advice

soft

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i need help. idk what to do, lately i have just been so depressed.
here's the deal:
i have a very close group of friends.. there are about 16 people that i regularly hang out with, and 8 that are in my "core" group. of these 8 there are 4 guys and 4 girls.
so, i'm pretty close with all of the guys. to be honest.. most of these guys actually consider ME to be their best friend. so yeah, i'm tight with them.
the thing is.. once we start hanging out as a big group, i start to feel so disconnected for some reason. it's like i can't keep up with the conversations. i hate it. eventually i'll just be off in my own world.. not saying anything at all. occasionally one of my friends will try to say something to me or acknowledge me, but i can tell it's just because i'm bringing the mood down.

it's really hard for me to keep up when half of hanging out in a big group is just fighting for attention.. i am the only introvert in my group and it sucks that most of them don't understand what i'm going through.

here is where i need advice:

i got invited to my friend's cabin this weekend. there would be 10 of us there, including myself. the thing is.. i really don't want to go. at all.
i mean, i want to go.. i just have a feeling that i won't have fun. and it's not like anyone would actually care if i came or not. i wish i could go and just let loose and have fun, but recently i haven't been able to do that when i'm hanging out with more than 3 or 4 people.

i have a couple options:
1: just go. suck it up and try to have a good time. this is really the last thing i want to do.

2: talk over the ride. if i go, i'm getting a late ride with just one of my friends (another reason i don't want to go, i find it really difficult to settle down when i'm joining a group late). the good thing is that i'm getting a ride with my nicest, most understanding female friend. maybe all i really need is to talk to someone in the group.

3: talk about it tonight. maybe it would help me make my decision. though i really only have a few people i would be willing to open up to, and chances are we will be hanging out as a group.

4: don't go. this would be sooooo much easier. i have a feeling i would regret doing this, but something tells me i'll regret whatever i do...

i guess the root of my problem is that it is really hard for me to let people get close. because of this i'm pretty sure that a lot of my friends think i don't even like them. i really do like them, i just don't know how to show it.. really, opening up like this to one of my friends would be one of the hardest things for me to do.
so.. any advice would be appreciated. thanks
 

Liesl

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All I can tell you is that whenever I've found a [real] friend, they have been able to accept me the way I am. And that means not being bothered by inconsistent communication or attendance at group social events. I need to be able to do my own thing and to be myself. Not surprisingly, a lot of my friends are the "need to be able to do my own thing, be myself" type too.

And though I'm not quiet in groups, I'm often forward and passionate. This is not a universally appreciated quality either, but my friends can appreciate it in me. :)

I understand your dilemma, and whilst I cannot decide what is best for you to do, if I were in your position, I would choose not to go and wait for a more understanding and flexible group of friends. But if you really valued or needed this group, then I guess you would choose differently...

Feel better. This situation won't last forever. :hug:
 

angell_m

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Do whatever makes you happy. Or whatever you feel the most content with.

I would personally just stay home.
 

21%

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i have a very close group of friends.. there are about 16 people that i regularly hang out with, and 8 that are in my "core" group. of these 8 there are 4 guys and 4 girls.
so, i'm pretty close with all of the guys. to be honest.. most of these guys actually consider ME to be their best friend. so yeah, i'm tight with them.
the thing is.. once we start hanging out as a big group, i start to feel so disconnected for some reason. it's like i can't keep up with the conversations. i hate it. eventually i'll just be off in my own world.. not saying anything at all. occasionally one of my friends will try to say something to me or acknowledge me, but i can tell it's just because i'm bringing the mood down.

Wow, I can relate a lot to your post! Especially the bolded part. I know it sucks to be the only introvert in a huge group of extraverts.

For the trip, I'd say go. I know it's scary, but I believe that we should try to push ourselves out of our comfort zone sometimes. Option 2 sounds like the best thing to do. Try to find opportunities to talk one-on-one or with a small group of people and try opening up to feeling types first, as they might be able to relate to what you feel better. Even if you end up not having fun, maybe you can use it as an opportunity to sort of observe other people's interactions and analyze your group dynamics, which might help you feel more comfortable later on.

You sound so very INFP and for some reason your post is very heart-warming :hug:

Good luck!
 

Cephalonimbus

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Personally, i would go. A year ago, i definitely would have stayed home. But i've ran away for things i find hard all my life and it's been wrecking my self esteem.


But that's just me... Whether you should go or not is of course entirely up to you, but here's some food for thought i hope you will find useful:
  • It's not a crime to be the most quiet person in the room.

  • When there are 10 people at a cabin, there should be opportunities to mingle in smaller groups. I doubt you'll be sitting in a big circle all weekend long. I have the same problems with interacting in larger groups, but when i'm a larger social gathering i look for opportunities to talk to a few people at a time, even if there are other people in the room. That way you're still social, but in a way you can deal with.

  • The ride with your most understanding friend seems like a good opportunity to talk about it in a private, safe atmosphere.

  • Although it's difficult for you to open up (and i certainly can relate to that), remember that the more your friends understand why you sometimes act aloof, the better they can respond to it.

  • Just because you're sure they engage you in the conversation because you're "bringing the mood down" doesn't mean it's true. I can't tell you how many times i've felt the same way, but ended up being wrong. These are your friends and several of them consider you to be their best friend. It's only natural for them to want you to be part of the conversation and have a good time. And they'll appreciate your presence. I get the feeling you're projecting your own insecurity onto them. Surely they already know you're not the most outgoing person, but if they didn't like your presence, you wouldn't have been invited.

  • You say you feel as if you'll only regret whatever you do, but in my experience that's only true if you have unrealistic expectations. No, you won't be the center of attention and yes you'll probably have moments where you zone out and lose track of the conversation, but i'm sure you can have a good time even if you are significantly more quiet than the others. And if you do go, you can at least be proud of yourself for doing something you find difficult.


Well, whatever you decide to do, i wish you the best :hug:
 

Rebe

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I think you should definitely go. I understand your discomfort and sympathize. I have a very small group of 'best' friends so I never feel left out. I prefer a three-person dynamic. I am best when I am engaged by someone instead of being the one to constantly 'fight' for engagement or attention.

I am trying to think what our issues with it is. Could be self-consciousness, could be that we don't like to 'show off', we like laid-back, relaxed conversation, not when everyone is bouncing around. Are you the only intuitive in the group? That would be incredibly difficult.

Another thing I notice from your post however is that ... you don't feel that they are your 'real' friends or really care for you even though eight are your 'core' friends. If that is so, why are they even considered your friends? The core of friendship is trust, loyalty and interest in each other.

I don't have acquaintances so I don't know what that dynamic is like. I know that I don't open up about personal details and I am tight-lipped. I definitely say to go and try your best to have fun, at least have the experience. Don't avoid. I think that makes it worse. Unless you feel that you have no energy, then you may as well not go. If you aren't going because of fear, that's stupid.

Go out there and see what you can do, improvise on the spot, get out of your head a bit, see what the other ones are doing, how they are fitting in. Perhaps pick a very close friend and share with them this dilemma and see what they can say to advice you. Sometimes what you perceive from others is totally wrong.

:hug:

Oh okay, Cep. said the same thing.
 

soft

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Another thing I notice from your post however is that ... you don't feel that they are your 'real' friends or really care for you even though eight are your 'core' friends. If that is so, why are they even considered your friends? The core of friendship is trust, loyalty and interest in each other.

yea.. i know that was confusing. what i mean is that i am very close to like half of the people in the group.. these people have been my best friends for over ten years. the others are still good friends, and i always have a blast with them when we're hanging in a small group.. i know they all care about me. i guess what i meant when i said that they wouldn't care is that my absence wouldn't make a difference because i would just be uninvolved anyways.

(i didn't really think it was necessary to explain, but the dynamics of my group have shifted in the past year, and i've been having a lot of problems with a specific girl that i can't get over. last year it was a lot easier for me to be social with all of my friends)

but i think i am gonna go, and try to just deal with it.. everyone's advice really did help, i'm feeling better already! thanks a lot
 

Sparrow

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I was in a similar situation 4th of July weekend...I just wasnt in the mood to be social whatsoever. But I felt obligated to go, so I went. I was awkward and weird the first couple hours, but ended up having fun later :) I guess I just had to get warmed up. We ended up having a really fun and memorable time! Its nice to have at least one person there that you know you can relate to though, bring a close friend who will stick by your side, maybe tell them you need them there as your side kick!
 

Chris_in_Orbit

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I guess I'll go against the grain and say you don't have to go.

So many people talk about pushing themselves out of their comfort zones (and even now I still don't fully understand the purpose or meaning of this saying.)

It honestly sounds like you haven't gotten to a point where you are comfortable with YOURSELF. You probably know what you want but you keep sabotaging yourself by overthinking things or whatever it is you are doing.

If you don't like being in a big group, why put yourself through the situation? If you like your alone time or more intimate time with a few people, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But you have to accept that preference before your friends will.

Stay at home, if you want to. Go to this gathering, if you want to. But do whatever will be most comfortable to you. And don't beat yourself up for wanting to do what is in your own interest; you have that right.
 

Liesl

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I guess I'll go against the grain and say you don't have to go.

So many people talk about pushing themselves out of their comfort zones (and even now I still don't fully understand the purpose or meaning of this saying.)

It honestly sounds like you haven't gotten to a point where you are comfortable with YOURSELF. You probably know what you want but you keep sabotaging yourself by overthinking things or whatever it is you are doing.

If you don't like being in a big group, why put yourself through the situation? If you like your alone time or more intimate time with a few people, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But you have to accept that preference before your friends will.

Stay at home, if you want to. Go to this gathering, if you want to. But do whatever will be most comfortable to you. And don't beat yourself up for wanting to do what is in your own interest; you have that right.
I totally agree with this. You should choose to do whatever you think is in your own best interest. Only you can fully understand what is best for you.
 

musicnerd93

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^ I agree too. I definantly feel your pain. If you think it's just going to make you depressed and uncomfortable, I don't recommend it. I'm also the only introvert in my group of friends so I understand how stressful it tends to get.

Don't go. And if you do decide to go, look for an excuse to leave early. ;)
 

21%

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So many people talk about pushing themselves out of their comfort zones (and even now I still don't fully understand the purpose or meaning of this saying.)
Well, I'll share a bit of my own experience on this. I'm an extreme introvert, and I know if I stay in my comfort zone all the time I'll end up with less and less contact with people and in the end I won't have any friends. I'm perfectly fine with going for months without seeing my friends except for the occasional talk on the phone. However, if I do this, the next time I hang out with them I'll most likely feel like the group has 'moved on' and I'm cut out from it. I know they will welcome me, but there will be a lot of things that happened during the months I was absent and I won't feel like I share the same 'history' with them anymore. In the end I'll be feeling more like an outsider and will feel even less comfortable hanging out with them.

So, when there are group gatherings, I force myself to go, even if I don't want to. I usually dread going so much and feel very nervous before going, but most of the time I feel good about it later.

The thing about going out of your comfort zone is that I've always felt like I'm limiting myself by doing things that are easy for me. I see it like exercise. It might be hard at first to run three miles without sweating yourself out like crazy and being totally exhausted, but if you never do it and build up your strength, you'll never be able to do it. If I keep doing the easy thing for the rest of my life, I feel like I'll never get past my own limitations.
 

Rebe

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^ There are things that we can push ourselves to do and thus, learn more about others, about ourselves, learn new and more skills, and experience new stimuli. And then there are things that you have tried before and don't want to do again, which is fine. I didn't mean that we should all compromise on our comforts all the time. But in this situation, they are his/her somewhat close friends so I feel that it's a safe environment for him/her to stick his/her neck out.

For me, I had this esfp friend who had a bunch of friends she didn't even like. And she would insist that I hang out with her and these friends but I'd often refuse to because I know these people and I know I don't have fun with them. I have tried many times and it's not that I actively dislike them but I honestly do not get anything out of them. I do not find them stimulating and I do not 'mesh' with them. They are her friends and what I wanted was to spend time with her because I enjoy her company. So in that situation, I didn't force myself. There was no point. Unless I became a totally different person, it was just not a fun situation for me. I do it every now and then, but I have tried so many times, so why try again expecting something different?

I agree with 21%'s post. I am super close with my four friends but I wish I had more friends so I wouldn't have to beg one or two of them to do stuff with me that they don't want to or when they are busy.
 

angell_m

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So many people talk about pushing themselves out of their comfort zones (and even now I still don't fully understand the purpose or meaning of this saying.)

In the thread Changing Faces, Mask_Manifest wrote, and I quote:

I wonder if other INFPs or Type 4s do this?

Both online and in real life, I tend to consciously alter my perspective and response toward others depending on the environment. I think it stems from constantly being told by society that my personality is flawed. It's not as acceptable for a man, particularly a heterosexual, to be introspective, self-aware, emotionally in-tune with himself and others, affectionate, considerate of other people to the point of being reserved, imaginative, wary of making rash decisions, etc... These gender-biased attitudes are reinforced by the mainstream of men and women both. Adaptation is a necessity to the point of neglecting your own personality, and then you are chastised for being "fake" and insincere...
...
...

The bolded part is a comfort zone, being violated every time we leave the house because we need to act more like how "men" is "supposed" to "act" like.
 

Cephalonimbus

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Well, I'll share a bit of my own experience on this. I'm an extreme introvert, and I know if I stay in my comfort zone all the time I'll end up with less and less contact with people and in the end I won't have any friends. I'm perfectly fine with going for months without seeing my friends except for the occasional talk on the phone. However, if I do this, the next time I hang out with them I'll most likely feel like the group has 'moved on' and I'm cut out from it. I know they will welcome me, but there will be a lot of things that happened during the months I was absent and I won't feel like I share the same 'history' with them anymore. In the end I'll be feeling more like an outsider and will feel even less comfortable hanging out with them.

So, when there are group gatherings, I force myself to go, even if I don't want to. I usually dread going so much and feel very nervous before going, but most of the time I feel good about it later.

The thing about going out of your comfort zone is that I've always felt like I'm limiting myself by doing things that are easy for me. I see it like exercise. It might be hard at first to run three miles without sweating yourself out like crazy and being totally exhausted, but if you never do it and build up your strength, you'll never be able to do it. If I keep doing the easy thing for the rest of my life, I feel like I'll never get past my own limitations.
I can really relate to this.


I too have to push myself out of my comfort zone sometimes to avoid being a recluse. Friendships are something you have to maintain, otherwise they gradually fade away. Besides, several of my fondest memories come from situations which were initially outside my comfort zone.

If you're an introvert with reclusive tendencies, i think it's important for yourself to be honest and self-aware enough to recognize whether
  • You really don't want to do something
  • You're convincing yourself you don't want to do something because it's difficult and you're taking the easy way out

Of course, i can only speak for myself, but many of the times i've felt like soft is describing, it was B and i regretted not going afterwards.


*quote*

The bolded part is a comfort zone, being violated every time we leave the house because we need to act more like how "men" is "supposed" to "act" like.
Really? I've found that most of these qualities actually get appreciated, except for being reserved, which can be interpreted as arrogance or disinterest. Save a few extremely coarse and shallow (aspiring to be-) alpha males, people don't frown on a straight man being self-aware, introspective, imaginative and considerate at all. Most of the qualities listed in that quote are actually major reasons why my friends like me in the first place, and my friends are definitely not all touchy feely NFs.
 

soft

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thanks a lot everyone. two of my friends called me last night and asked if something was wrong (the girl who's driving me and her boyfriend). i told them everything was fine but they insisted.. i told them i would talk to them later in person but i had mostly worked it out on my own. the girl who owns the cabin also had a one to one conversation with me where she said "you know we really want you to be there, right?"
i could tell they all sincerely cared.. i'm actually feeling crappy now for doubting that they ever did. :cry:

i guess my friends sensed that i was feeling down lately. what i've realized is that when i start getting depressed i tend to withdraw. i crave social interaction, but i feel like i am burdening people with my negative vibes so i withdraw even more.
i'm glad to have such good friends to help me out of this. i really don't appreciate them enough. :)

i decided i'm going for sure. i know i'll have a great time. it also helps that my partner in crime is now coming (helps me open up if i'm having a hard tme) and there will be lots and lots of alcohol. oh yea.

again, thanks to everyone on here, you all helped a lot
 

angell_m

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Really? I've found that most of these qualities actually get appreciated, except for being reserved, which can be interpreted as arrogance or disinterest. Save a few extremely coarse and shallow (aspiring to be-) alpha males, people don't frown on a straight man being self-aware, introspective, imaginative and considerate at all. Most of the qualities listed in that quote are actually major reasons why my friends like me in the first place, and my friends are definitely not all touchy feely NFs.

Apoligies, I should have referred to it as my comfort zone.
 
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