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[MBTI General] INFJ having difficulties to find a love...

cfs1992

New member
Joined
Jul 26, 2009
Messages
211
People believe that I'm intelectually intimidating, too serious and that my strong personality and deep nature make the guys around me "afraid" of me at first sight, making them think that I'm inaccessible for them.
This is the impression that people have of me firstly, but when they get closer they see my caring nature etc.
Finding a love is being a hard time for me, because I'm very shy in this aspect, and I'm not the kind of flirty girl... and I don't know what to do about this. My ESFJ grandma and my ISFJ mom try to help me to put my feet on the ground and stop to search the Ultimate Relationship, but I still find it very hard.

Someone here that have or had this problem? How did you deal with this?
 
Last edited:

Windigo

New member
Joined
Dec 27, 2009
Messages
446
As an ENTJ I had this problem a LOT! That is because most people (about 65%) are Sensory so they don't take such an in depth, probing approach to life as we do. They tend to zone out when we ask to many questions or spend too much time sharing our amazing insights into the meaning of life. . . .

Also, INFJ is very rare (and so are female ENTJ women). So finding someone who appreciates your uniqueness is hard to do. Your ESFJ grandma and ISFJ mom don't relate to your struggles because they aren't looking for that same intense meeting of the minds in a mate that you are. You in fact would be miserable without it.

My advice would be to take their advice with a grain of salt. In some ways it is true . . . you need to stop looking for the ULTIMATE RELATIONSHIP and begin simply living the ULTIMATE LIFE. In time, in some surprising way the relationship will come. But not if you are sitting around waiting for it to happen.

On the other hand, they will never relate to what you are looking for, because they simply need someone who makes them laugh and feel appreciated. This is a lot easier to find than a meeting of the minds. So necessarily sell out just because a guy finds you attractive.

And forgive yourself for not having a relationship! Just because you don't have one doesn't meant that you are incapable of having one or somehow unlovable. Don't measure your worth on what you have, but on who you are and what you are doing with who you are! Fall in love with yourself and you will be happy with or without someone else.

In the meantime find a cause to support. You are the kind of person who will need to know that what they are doing in life really means something bigger than just feeding your face. You will need to feel like you are helping someone else and that your existence is crucial to someone. In the meantime you just might find yourself surrounded with people who appreciate your depth and passion!

I apologize in advance . . . as an ENTJ I find myself offering advice to fix problems not just to listen . . . so if I've offended I am sorry. I used to be in your shoes when I was in my 20s, now the wisdom of 40s has taken away a lot of the angst! ;)
 

Lily flower

New member
Joined
Jun 28, 2010
Messages
930
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
2
I had the same problem with the intensity when I was dating. Usually relationships lasted about 3 months, then the guy felt like it was "too much." But my husband loves my intensity and he is just as intense!! So keep looking - put yourself out there and you will eventually find Mr. "I not only can handle your intensity, but I think you are the greatest person I know."
 

Spastic_Blondie

New member
Joined
Jul 12, 2010
Messages
53
MBTI Type
ENFP
I have the same problem. I'm an ENFJ, but I've always had trouble finding a guy, particularly one that I liked (and the mental connection is VERY important for me). I've had one boyfriend, but after four months he broke up with me. He couldn't handle much conflict/confrontation, and my emotions were just too intense for him.

The problem is that, being an NF, I deeply crave romance and an ideal relationship, so not having it always causes me to feel like there is a giant hole in my heart. I won't settle for less than the absolute best (at least best in my mind ;) ), but I also can't seem to deal with the result of that decision, which is usually having nothing at all.

It's a terrible and lonely existence. Not sure how much that helps...but yeah, I'm in the same boat that you are.
 
P

Phantonym

Guest
Hm. Never really had a problem with that. I've always just figured that if people can't handle me, good riddance. I'd rather be alone than go through constant drama even though I'm most probably the one causing all the drama in the first place. :laugh:
 

21%

You have a choice!
Joined
May 15, 2009
Messages
3,224
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5
Hm. Never really had a problem with that. I've always just figured that if people can't handle me, good riddance. I'd rather be alone than go through constant drama even though I'm most probably the one causing all the drama in the first place. :laugh:

:D I agree!

When I was younger I thought I would never like anybody. At first I thought there was something wrong with me, because all my friends were falling in love left and right, so I even tried to force myself to like boys :tongue: Of course, that didn't work out. I felt like no one could ever understand me.

But, when it happens it just happens. Don't worry, people, the right person for you will come along. There are people out there who can understand and appreciate who you are. Be careful when that happens, though, because then you fall hard :wubbie: :laugh:
 

CuriousFeeling

From the Undertow
Joined
Dec 18, 2009
Messages
2,937
MBTI Type
INfJ
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I have a hard time finding love as well. Unfortunately I have a habit of falling for people that have little interest in me (either cos they are with someone, or I'm just not their type), or may find me difficult to get to know. There's someone that I am interested in, just I'm unsure if the feeling is mutual, I think he might just think of me as a classmate, rather than potential dating material. But for some reason, I can't let go of the feelings I have for him. He's one of those guys that is sweet and understanding, and has these blue eyes that sparkle with imagination and vision. We both have similar passions, just he's much more extroverted and laid-back than I am. I suspect he's an ENFJ.

But, if it isn't meant to be between us, then I'm not going to sweat it. I used to get bent out of shape over things like this, but I've just kind of learned to deal with it somehow. I yearn for finding true love... as much of a fairy tale it may seem, I think there is someone out there that's right for me. Believing in this helps me to move past the losses.
 

Gloriana

Patron Saint Of Smileys
Joined
Aug 2, 2009
Messages
949
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
I have a hard time finding love as well. Unfortunately I have a habit of falling for people that have little interest in me

I laughed at that because I did that for years. Not sure it's particularly related to being an INFJ or anything though. I'd be pining for and fantasizing about these guys who didn't pay any attention to me. The guys who talked to me and showed interest? I was basically thinking "Um, would you, like, get the hell outta here, I'm trying to idealize that fella by the coffee machine if you don't mind...".

Looking back, I think it really did have a lot to do with being more in love with the idealized fantasy than anyone real. Guys who ignored me were perfect because I could never get close enough for them to come tumbling down off the pedestal I'd built in my fantastical, sickly sweet romantic mind.

Funny enough, my two best intimate relationships have been with two men who pursued me and showed interest. My crappy marriage was with a man I pursued and who didn't show a lot of interest at first.

I find it really hard to describe just how my mind works in terms of imagining that ideal, perfect relationship. It's like my mind has subconsciously gathered every single trait I've ever liked in anyone I've ever met and thrown them in a combine inside my mind. There are also 'seasonings' gained from books I've read, or movies I've seen, or romantic images provoked by many hours of music. It's this intricately woven idealization that can be very hard for me to shake (this goes in terms of friendships as well as partner relationships).

I'm in a relationship now and basically I just make a habit of smacking myself awake if I'm drifting too far into my fantastical, visceral visions. I try to keep myself conscious of who he is and what I love about the REALITY of him, rather than thinking about all the areas he falls short of that unattainable thing in my head.

When I was younger, I found it hard to get the same warm, secure feeling from real relationships as I did thinking about these perfect little ideas in my head. It can still be hard for me, sometimes my boyfriend will come out with something unexpected, or I'll feel upset by something he said or did, or I'll be let-down by something and I'll be tempted to go tumbling down into that tunnel of disappointment that reality doesn't 'match' my ideas. It's like brain-tweaking and reminding myself to see who my boyfriend really is and what our relationship really is rather than having my perceptions trained on what it isn't.

If that makes sense! :)
 

cafe

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2007
Messages
9,827
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w1
I met my husband when I was pretty young (21) but I really didn't date much before that. I think my reserve made it hard for guys to read me and the ones who liked me thought of me as the kind of person they wanted to settle down with after they had sewn their wild oats. :rolli:

My husband, OTOH, knew that college was probably going to be his best opportunity to wife shop, so to speak. It was a target rich environment of people that shared his values and goals and stuff. When he saw me and liked me, he didn't say to himself that he would get back to me later after he played the field.

I think it can be hard for an IN of any type to find a suitable partner, but thankfully, if you are selective most of us are content to just find that one. I think that's a lot more efficient than the way some folks change partners like they change shoes.
 

Arclight

Permabanned
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
3,177
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
Regardless of type.. Love is not common.

That is why it is so valued and precious. Finding it is never easy.

Note.. This is not to be confused with sex and or casual relationships. Some people have no problems engaging in casual or sexual relationships, so they might not feel the sting of loneliness like people who value love above all else.
 

Fenekk

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2010
Messages
51
MBTI Type
INFJ
I'm glad I'm not alone. Take the normal INFJ issues with relationships and compound on major personal trust issues (granted, I trust "people" as a whole quite a bit. It's when things get more personal that my discretion kicks in full-force), and cynical attitudes toward romance (Ti twisting its dagger in my heart), and you've got me.

On top of my already-awkward personality, I have mental barriers in excess that I am well aware of. It's not that I don't believe in true love or that I will never find anyone to love... it's more or less that my discretion is terribly strong on top of my uncanny ability to push potential boyfriends away (even though I don't know I'm doing it). Lately I've realized that a lot of guys have had crushes on me in the past that I never knew about. I guess it is because being mysterious is alluring, but makes it far more difficult for people to muster up the courage to approach you (and, for that matter, understand you). I'm always waiting for guys to approach -me- about relationships. I don't flirt and I don't ask guys out... So honestly, I don't expect relationships to happen. They aren't even on my priority list at all - I feel like I have to take care of myself first before I can take on the burdens of being with someone else.

It's not that I don't want a relationship or that I don't think I can function in one - it's just not what I am focusing on at the moment. And, if my mental barriers and discretion remain as strong as they are now, I don't know if I can find that soulmate I truly want. I'm just too intent on protecting myself.
 

Expanding

New member
Joined
Jul 29, 2010
Messages
62
MBTI Type
Infj
Enneagram
4
The dramas of the infj!!! But you know what?! I wouldnt change my personality for anything! I love myself and am too valuable to marry anyone who is unable to appreciate who i am. We infjs need to be firm in our beliefs about ourselves and others and dont give a rip about anyones disaproval. So fellow infjs, don't give up and don't give in!
 

Fenekk

New member
Joined
Aug 4, 2010
Messages
51
MBTI Type
INFJ
I'm with Expanding on this one. Never have worried too much about it - I just feel like I have a bit of an unusual situation, to say the least...
 

sulfit

New member
Joined
Aug 5, 2010
Messages
495
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
haha I have ISFJ mother and ESFJ grandmother too
they too have tried to help me ... they say I am too serious, too boring, not chatty or lively enough, don't have good enough posture/skin/haircolor/clothing etc. for a guy to take note of me and like me

My first relationship was an ENTP. We were together for several years, good portion of this time we actually lived together. While I was with him I have started taking on some of his personality traits. This included a more easy-going approach to life, more optimism, more confidence in myself. He was so surprised that I did not have a boyfriend back at the time that he sent in his friend to check me out, as he thought I was playing around. In the end he left me, twice, second time I decided it will be forever. This whole experience let me grow and develop my Ti more and perhaps Ne as well. I think being with him has made me more flirty and spontaneous and not afraid to act silly with other people, in fact wanting to act carefree and silly at times. This had an effect of attracting another ENTP and two INTPs to me such that 3 months after the relationship ended this second ENTP was already declaring his undying love for me, and the INTPs switched from observation to actually starting conversations.

How to deal with looking for the Ultimate Relationship. Hmm, well I was never actually looking for one. I have observed the reality in my teens. Reality back then for me was that some people in my family married and re-married, some spent decades living in not-so-happy relationships fighting, verbally and sometimes physically, and only a small portion was able to find that life-long content relationship. And I just embraced this reality and decided that this is how things go. I have already made a 'mistake' once - was in a relationship that lasted several years and did not culminate in marriage for life - and nevertheless it was an overall very positive experience for me that I do not regret. So while I am very hopeful that one day I will meet that special person with whom I will be able to spend the rest of my life, I may not get this lucky, and this should not preclude me from at least trying.

So while you may not find an ExxP significant other right away, I would suggest to perhaps find a few ENFP friends and just spend some time hanging out with them, mirroring them, trying to step into their shoes and mentally adopt their outlook on life. This has the ability of lightening up some of that INFJ seriousness and deepness that makes us look so unapproachable to other people and difficult to relate to.
 

Sparrow

New member
Joined
May 28, 2010
Messages
2,366
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
People believe that I'm intelectually intimidating, too serious and that my strong personality and deep nature make the guys around me "afraid" of me at first sight, making them think that I'm inaccessible for them.
This is the impression that people have of me firstly, but when they get closer they see my caring nature etc.
Finding a love is being a hard time for me, because I'm very shy in this aspect, and I'm not the kind of flirty girl... and I don't know what to do about this. My ESFJ grandma and my ISFJ mom try to help me to put my feet on the ground and stop to search the Ultimate Relationship, but I still find it very hard.

Someone here that have or had this problem? How did you deal with this?

It usually happens when you least expect it :) once you stop looking, then bam!
 

Expanding

New member
Joined
Jul 29, 2010
Messages
62
MBTI Type
Infj
Enneagram
4
You all have my full understanding. My new focus now is "what can i contribute to this person/situation?" without any expectations whatsoever - i want to feel good, and not end up being a victim of my own actions. I have learnt the hard way and don't want to keep going down the same road ending up suffering. So to strengthen my focus i will add, "what will be a likely consequence of this action? If positive then go ahead. If negative then reconsider." Easier said than done folks, but its worth a try.
 
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