[INFJ] why would infj cancel plans to someone they really like?

[ntgirl]

lets say they do it to a person they're dating, or a very good friend, or to someone they love and care about very much, or at least they supposed to if everything is going ok.
why would they break plans giving no real valid reason? but just saying they don't feel like it and run into their cave.
why would they do that if they knew other person was looking forward to it and it would hurt her, more because it wouldn't be the first time they forgot or something?

why would they say to you to find someone else to go with or go alone? but then an hour before it, they'd changed their minds saying they'd go if you had't found anyone to go with. and when you rejected their pitty last minute call of course feeling disrespected and mistrusted, they avoided you. it was not really about tit for tat, it was for them to learn that was irresponsible and not right. (sorry if it sounds harsh though.)

i just wonder about the reasons for all this immature sabotaging acting of testing and pushing buttons. is it they are giving up on everything with that person and don't like her anymore? if so why?
how to deal when something like this happens with infj?
please help me a bit if you can as i'm NT and don't really know you guys well.
thanks.

(oh and i'm really sorry i could've just said it's my boyfriend of 3 years i'm talking about which makes it very hard and full of questions. i can tolerate it if it's ok but i didn't want you to feel sorry for me if he's walking all over me.) do your answers change now knowing this?

 

[cafe]

Exhaustion (Or maybe not liking the actual activity planned) -> plan canceling
Guilt -> relenting and offering to go at the last minute

 

[Totenkindly]

why would they say to you to find someone else to go with or go alone? but then an hour before it, they'd changed their minds saying they'd go if you had't found anyone to go with. and when you rejected their pitty last minute call of course feeling disrespected and mistrusted, they avoided you. it was not really about tit for tat, it was for them to learn that was irresponsible and not right.

Wow, that's kind of harsh to say. It assumes the worst of the other person, without trying to imagine better reasons for their behavior. I've also found personally that when I try to "teach someone else a lesson for their own good," I've usually misjudged what their intentions were and the whole thing becomes a royal mess... Ugh.

Listen to cafe on this one, those are the two basic reasons I would have suggested after dealing with my INFJ friends as well. ISFJ is more liable to stick it out no matter what, but you should be prepared for that Fe sense of duty to kick in -- they don't want to let you down, so even if it's going to really mess up their lives and create hardship, there's still a likelihood they will try to pull through for you at the last minute. This is done out of consideration and compassion for you, not out of some darker need.

 

[21%]

Yes, I agree with what cafe and Jennifer said.

If you try to get me to go to something I'm uncomfortable with -- like a skiing trip, or a rock concert, or a huge party, or sometimes even to a mall, I won't go. Just thinking about it drains my energy and I dread the whole thing.

I believe it's irresponsible to promise to go and cancel at the last minute. But, usually, we really plan to go when we make the promise -- even if the only reason is to make you happy. When the time comes, however, we just realize we've gotten ourselves into something very scary and flake out. (Or maybe if you're insensitive about I'm-going-for-your-sake, we might feel hurt and decide it's not worth it)

Can you talk to him about this? Maybe he didn't realize you wanted him to go that much. Most NTs have that 'independent air' that makes them seem like they can (and like to) take care of themselves. I know if someone tells me how glad they are that I decided to go and reassures me that everything will be all right (e.g. "But I don't know anybody!" "Don't worry! I'll introduce you and if you don't like it we'll leave early.") I'll definitely try my best to go.

 

[mochajava]

Exhaustion (Or maybe not liking the actual activity planned) -> plan canceling
Guilt -> relenting and offering to go at the last minute

I did this to someone last week. I was too exhausted / can't take her in big doses (she's a very, very pushy E). Also, the plan was far away and logistically difficult for me, and it felt bad that she didn't care. She basically guilted me out of saying no when I tried. And she does that w/ other things too.

At first, I kept making excuses for her, "but she doesn't know many other people", but around the time of our social plan, I kept having others invade my personal space in very hurtful ways. I definitely wanted to cancel ahead of time, but instead i showed up (it was an all-day outdoor concert) with an incredible picnic of food and blanket -- stuff I knew she wouldn't have time to pull together.

ERRRRRR! And now I am not talking to her for like a week, partly because I'm in a cave, and partly because I felt hurt after last week when she wouldn't take multiple NOs for an answer.

And today I will likely go out for coffee w/ her (olive branch). It must be complicated from her side, but way more internal up/down for me, you see?

 

[Aquarelle]

He may have felt pressured to go in the first place, especially if it wasn't the first time he has not wanted to do something you've proposed. I don't mean to say you pressured him intentionally. I've often felt pressured just by someone asking me to do something, because I've said no in the past. So I feel like I should go, this time, even though I really don't want to.

It also sounds like the thing you wanted to do involved going out somewhere... it's possible he'd be perfectly happy to stay in with just you, but the idea of going out and being around a bunch of people who aren't in his inner circle is exhausting to him.

 

[Sailboat]

Sounds like he may have been overwhelmed with what you guys were going to be doing, and didn't want to do it anymore. I know when I feel going somewhere will drain me, I just don't feel like going. It's not good to cancel at the last minute, but he probably really wanted to please you by telling you he would go in the first place even though he knew it would probably drain him. I wouldn't think of the phone call as a pity call. He probably felt guilty that he let you down, and wanted to try to make up for it. He did that for you, not for him.

 

[eclare]

I have nothing to add, except that everything everyone has said is 100% correct. Especially the part about the last minute call not being pity, but guilt. He wants you to be able to go to the event and have a good time, even though it will no doubt be absolute torture for him.

 

[Fidelia]

Occasionally I've agreed to do things that I feel really uncomfortable about and upon thinking about it further realized that it isn't necessary for me to do - either it's an unreasonable request or I just needed to have the words figured out to say why and I was put on the spot before, or I've been manipulated and realize it or maybe there really is someone else the person could go with or I really, really, really don't want to go. I might look for a way out (though not as bluntly as your bf did), but also am susceptible to relenting out of guilt. The closer the person is though, the more reluctant I am to do that. I don't usually need as much recharging time as some INFJs though, so I may be atypical as far as the motivations.

I'll give you an example of one circumstance: My uncle and my cousin (from another family were over). My uncle found out already that I wasn't busy on a certain day and then suggested that I perform with him and some friends at a coffee place. I didn't want to in the first place because he expects me to play his kind of music without ever playing my kind. He also never comes around unless he wants a favour from me and he is quite rude to my mother who has been nothing but kind to him and he talks about her behind her back which I consider cowardly and disloyal. He also was playing a lot of cheating songs, which I don't want to be a part of doing and was playing with people I really dislike and don't respect and don't want to be associated with. However, it was in front of my cousin (so I couldn't discuss my reasoning) and I didn't have a good reason to say no unless I wanted to bring up all of these issues. Our relationship wasn't such that a direct talk would be something I would normally do with him. So I non-commitally said yes. I found out that he already had a fiddler in the group, so when I discovered that, I decided that I wasn't leaving him in the lurch and made an excuse shortly before the show not to go. He was reluctant because he wanted me to meet these wonderful other musicians (whom I already knew all about and didn't want to be around) and play together with them so it would make him look good to other onlookers. So in the end, I almost relented, but stuck firm and said I really was sorry but it wasn't going to work. Then I spent a bunch of time thinking about how to avoid that kind of bad circumstance for another time.

 

[eclare]

"Then I spent a bunch of time thinking about how to avoid that kind of bad circumstance for another time. "

The key is to not react right away. Take a deep breath and think about it - our kneejerk response to any request is to say "yes" to any request, no matter how unreasonable.

When I get an invitation that I don't want to accept and get think of a ready excuse, I just say "I'll have to check my calendar and get back to you later." That gives me plenty of time to make something up if I have to. Also, I am in a profession that is well-known for having long hours, so even though I almost never actually work on the weekends, people will believe me if I tell them that I have to.

 

[Fidelia]

Ha, ha I do that calendar thing too. I only usually say yes when I am pressured into it and there doesn't seem to be a way of getting out of it or being non-committal without making a scene in front of a third party. One on one I may explain, or I may just arrange to be busy.

 

[mochajava]

Ha, ha I do that calendar thing too. I only usually say yes when I am pressured into it and there doesn't seem to be a way of getting out of it or being non-committal without making a scene in front of a third party. One on one I may explain, or I may just arrange to be busy.

Buying time and letting the "Ni" answer and not the "Fe" (correct me if I am totally off on what these mean; I'm learning as I go). I need time to SIT on decisions. Someone asks me something, I take hours or a day to get back to them -- even if it's just a coffee date. If logistics are being done by e-mail, this is completely acceptable and not at all awkward.

I also have a "knee jerk yes", so I always ask for "time to think about it" whether or not I feel I need it in the conversation. Then I can sit on my decision. I did it this morning, and the professor I was talking to said, "yes, I know you think about things carefully" -- so maybe this process is visible?