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[ENFP] NFs and ENFPs and meeting new people...

gigi_xo

New member
Joined
Mar 4, 2010
Messages
376
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4w3
okay so I know I'm an extrovert but i feel like most NFs can contribute...

I started a new part time job this weekend and had to meet a million people. I was able to charm all of the people I spent one-on-one time with, one of them an obvious sort of SJ was introducing me to others as

"Hey, this is the new girl! Yeah, I actually like she, she's one of the nice ones"

and that seemed so awkward saying in front of me, but it was cute.

and then the other people I spent a lot of time with, were like "You are so funny, and easy to talk too, I'm so glad we're working together"

and "I can talk to you so much more than to other people""


But my problem is when I'm not with people one-on-one I get a bit awkward and shy and feel like I NEVER say the right thing in groups of new acquaintances who all already know each other. I felt so uncomfortable... when in the group situation they weren't unwelcoming but they were very SP and SJ, like entirely pronounced (most of them, some I dont know) and discussing down to earth issues and it really didn't help they were all already friends... I didn't know what to say and ended up being really quiet, afriad I wouldn't make any sense...

for example

girl at work: So, what's your story, honey?
me: Oh.... um.... yeah... I'm really uh... short...
girl: I meant, like, where are you from, dear?



i sounded retarded.


is this normal? How does one act more calm and normal around groups like that?
 

Pixelholic

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Jun 20, 2010
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550
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ENFP
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8w7
But my problem is when I'm not with people one-on-one I get a bit awkward and shy and feel like I NEVER say the right thing in groups of new acquaintances who all already know each other. I felt so uncomfortable... when in the group situation they weren't unwelcoming but they were very SP and SJ, like entirely pronounced (most of them, some I dont know) and discussing down to earth issues and it really didn't help they were all already friends... I didn't know what to say and ended up being really quiet, afriad I wouldn't make any sense...

I have the same problem. While I like meeting new people, I don't like meeting new people because I'm worried I always come off as horribly awkward. It's even worse when it's a group of people that know each other and I'm the new one, i get super quiet (this is actually why one of my friends is convinced i'm emo >_<)

I try to come up with anecdotes that fit with the conversation topic but then I become worried that I'm coming off as egocentric.

Maybe it's an issue of overthinking other people's reactions or something?
 

Queen Kat

The Duchess of Oddity
Joined
Apr 3, 2009
Messages
3,053
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E.T.
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7w8
As long as people don't exclusively talk about getting drunk and other people, I guess I'm fine.
 

stalemate

Post-Humorously
Joined
May 6, 2010
Messages
1,402
MBTI Type
ENFP
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7w6
I kind of have the same issue in groups of new people. I will generally do some combination of the following:

- observe and listen

- crack jokes (generally about some of the new-to-me peoples' interactions with each other)

- steer the conversation where i want it to go in order to avoid situations like above where you felt dumb for not understanding what they were wanting from you
 

stringstheory

THIS bitch
Joined
Jul 12, 2009
Messages
923
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
1
But my problem is when I'm not with people one-on-one I get a bit awkward and shy and feel like I NEVER say the right thing in groups of new acquaintances who all already know each other. I felt so uncomfortable... when in the group situation they weren't unwelcoming but they were very SP and SJ, like entirely pronounced (most of them, some I dont know) and discussing down to earth issues and it really didn't help they were all already friends... I didn't know what to say and ended up being really quiet, afriad I wouldn't make any sense...

for example

girl at work: So, what's your story, honey?
me: Oh.... um.... yeah... I'm really uh... short...
girl: I meant, like, where are you from, dear?



i sounded retarded.


is this normal? How does one act more calm and normal around groups like that?

Yep; i do this too. i tend to have a sort of self-deprecating humour, so i'll usually say something like "wow, ok that was dumb, anyway..." and then move one. it works for me, generally.
 

gromit

likes this
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Mar 3, 2010
Messages
6,508
I've been there before. I think it's probably pretty normal for anybody to feel somewhat uncomfortable in a setting where everyone else knows one another and you know nobody. Just give it a little time and you'll be making jokes with everyone else too. :) The truth in most situations, I have found, is that we (people) tend to be more self-conscious than is warranted, i.e. most people aren't thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them thinking about you. ACK. That sentence made sense in my head!
 

Eckhart

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Jan 6, 2010
Messages
1,090
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INFP
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???
I have the same problem. I can talk easily in one-on-one, but as soon as I am in a group of more than 2-3 people (unless I know all of them well enough, but that is rare), I mostly can barely say a sentence straight.
 

Tiltyred

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Dec 1, 2008
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girl at work: So, what's your story, honey?
me: Oh.... um.... yeah... I'm really uh... short...
girl: I meant, like, where are you from, dear?

i sounded retarded.

Did you mean that you're a short story? I think that's hilarious. That would have had me chuckling to myself all day. And if you didn't mean that, well ... I have no idea what I'd say to "What's your story?" That would have stopped me dead in my tracks. And "Where are you from?" is also a hard question for me to answer. So I don't think you sounded retarded. Don't think it's always you if things go awkwardly!
 

You

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Jun 8, 2010
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entp
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I have a hard time with big groups too when everyone know's each other. It just makes me really uncomfortable, because I haven't the slightest clue as to what I'm even doing there. Everyone is talking about crap I dont even know anything about.
 

Lady_X

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Oct 27, 2008
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i don't really think i act differently around new people...i normally just sit down next to someone and talk to them like we know each other...i usually talk more tho if it's one on one...unless there's just maybe one other person in the group talking but i don't like talking over people so rather than fight for airtime i'll just zone out....not to say i can't be awkward...i totally can...i just don't know why it happens sometimes.
 

Malkavia

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Dec 2, 2009
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I do MUCH better with one-on-ones then I do with groups.

I think it just comes from experience.
 

gigi_xo

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Mar 4, 2010
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Im so glad other people can relate, I felt so dumbbb especially after my success at wooing people individually.

they were (two girls) discussing how cute this one guy was, to his face, like flirting, and then one other guy was like ready to go smoke up during break and I just did not know what to say to anybody....

its weird because except in these situations, im really not awkward at all...

I hope no one thinks I'm crazy....
 

getinnocuous

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May 28, 2010
Messages
3
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ENFP
I hope no one thinks I'm crazy....

This used to go through my head all of the time when I'm in a group of 3 or more people. Then, I just began to re-assure myself that 1) I already made a good initial first impression on them during one-on-ones and 2) no one really truly cares what I'm doing during that group setting. If first impressions hold true, then you're probably on good grounds with your co-workers - whoop!

If ANYTHING, they'll be intrigued with the "wow, this person is really cool but also incredibly mysterious vibe". I've certainly gotten that before, but then it's quickly discovered that I'm just quirky and weird - and then people avoid me and there goes my work party invites. Poop.

Understanding that I'm better at one-on-ones than group conversations, I try to be a much better active listener during group conversations. By focusing on listening and being present in that moment, it's easier to get out of my own mind and be more a part of the group conversation.
 

Abstract Thinker

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The truth in most situations, I have found, is that we (people) tend to be more self-conscious than is warranted, i.e. most people aren't thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them thinking about you.

Well said! Gromit is wise and has an awesome avatar. :yes:

I think some other folks said to maybe just listen and chime in occasionally when you're in the group. Good advice.

They'll respect you for not being too forward in the group and then they'll want to talk to you even more one on one.

Then before you know it, you'll be one of the gang.

Sounds like you're doing fine. And congrats on the new job!
 

boondocked

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I feel ya, Gigi. I can be that way. One on one is easy and so...rewarding! It's just you and the person, removed from a group context. Big groups are full of people who know each other with their inside jokes and traditions and language and everything...hard. Until you're part of those jokes and know the language.

Until then, I think you should cut yourself some slack! They love you, it seems to me. Whatever you did in the earlier part of the evening won you some serious goodwill. I don't think any awkwardness in the later part could undo that. I think people make up their minds pretty damn quick when it comes to liking other people. :yes:

I know how you feel, though. I used to kick myself whenever anything went badly for me socially. It felt like doom. I'd wail to my poor, long-suffering INTJ boyfriend, "How could that haaaappppeeeennn?? YOU said I was great with people. If I were great, how could I bomb the Christmas party so bad??"

Him (patient voice): "You ARE great with people. And being great with people is a talent, not a constant. The expression of that talent fluctuates sometimes."

Me: "But..but..." :shock:

Him: "No. Listen to me. You did bomb the party. I know, I was there. But that party doesn't define your ability as a people person. Take your interactions with people AS A WHOLE. Take the three parties we went to before this! You're great, very skillful. And, by the way, even when you're being awkward, people like you. It's charming. It will be even more charming when you can learn to laugh with people about it."

He was completely right (oh INTJ). I've learned to poke fun at the occasional odd lapse in my social intelligence. It doesn't define me. And it gives me the opportunity to refine my abilities and do better next time.

From the way you described it, even right down to the squirmy moments, I'd say you scored a complete win. They're on your side. If you feel like you lost some social momentum with the second half of the evening, well, that's nothing a person like you can't win back. :hug:
 

gigi_xo

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Mar 4, 2010
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I feel ya, Gigi. I can be that way. One on one is easy and so...rewarding! It's just you and the person, removed from a group context. Big groups are full of people who know each other with their inside jokes and traditions and language and everything...hard. Until you're part of those jokes and know the language.

Until then, I think you should cut yourself some slack! They love you, it seems to me. Whatever you did in the earlier part of the evening won you some serious goodwill. I don't think any awkwardness in the later part could undo that. I think people make up their minds pretty damn quick when it comes to liking other people. :yes:

I know how you feel, though. I used to kick myself whenever anything went badly for me socially. It felt like doom. I'd wail to my poor, long-suffering INTJ boyfriend, "How could that haaaappppeeeennn?? YOU said I was great with people. If I were great, how could I bomb the Christmas party so bad??"

Him (patient voice): "You ARE great with people. And being great with people is a talent, not a constant. The expression of that talent fluctuates sometimes."

Me: "But..but..." :shock:

Him: "No. Listen to me. You did bomb the party. I know, I was there. But that party doesn't define your ability as a people person. Take your interactions with people AS A WHOLE. Take the three parties we went to before this! You're great, very skillful. And, by the way, even when you're being awkward, people like you. It's charming. It will be even more charming when you can learn to laugh with people about it."

He was completely right (oh INTJ). I've learned to poke fun at the occasional odd lapse in my social intelligence. It doesn't define me. And it gives me the opportunity to refine my abilities and do better next time.

From the way you described it, even right down to the squirmy moments, I'd say you scored a complete win. They're on your side. If you feel like you lost some social momentum with the second half of the evening, well, that's nothing a person like you can't win back. :hug:

you and your boyfriend sound ADORABLE :yes: and i like his logical explanation of it lol, its actually quite reassuring :) as was this whole post! Thank you, hopefully I'll be in on all the inside jokes soon and the awkwardness will pass... until then, I dont mind laughing about my quirks that I'm hoping as as lovable as the other charming enfps out there!
 

mmhmm

meinmeinmein!
Joined
Jul 6, 2010
Messages
2,280
i don't have trouble meeting new people.
it's a matter of deciding if i want to get to
know more about the people i meet.

and those are far and few in between
 
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