[ENFP] ENFP girlfriend confusing me! Help!

[stalemate]

How should she know which part I mean? Maybe just listen to me when I say which part I meant and which I didn't?

Also, if someone has already admitted to me that they said things to me that they didn't mean, they aren't going to be the one I trust to decide what they did mean. I'll decide for myself, and it might take me some time to figure it out.

I think she will come around, but I also don't think you are just going to convince her.

 

[stalemate]

And, please understand, I'm not saying she is in the right here. No one ever is in the right in relationships (at least not completely). I'm just trying to say some of what I would be feeling if I were her. You know what you are feeling so there is no need to try to figure out you.

 

[fecaleagle]

Also, if someone has already admitted to me that they said things to me that they didn't mean, they aren't going to be the one I trust to decide what they did mean. I'll decide for myself, and it might take me some time to figure it out.

I think she will come around, but I also don't think you are just going to convince her.

Well that is very self-righteous. Especially given what I've read about ENFPs making ridiculously bad judgment calls a lot of times. That sounds like something an INTJ would say (which would even be considered as coming off as cocky by our own standards lol), and I would trust a decision like that more with an INTJ over an ENFP, all else held equal. I just really believe that thinking is more likely to arrive at the correct decision than feeling, so hopefully she will implement her Te function, which I am glad has been developing as we have dated I mean feeling is great and all, but it just creates disasters that thinking fixes, hehe. She should know that as a her boyfriend, AND as an INTJ, I don't lie. It's just something I don't do. It's something I detest. It's something I don't get over (except I have forgiven my girlfriend before, after my center core was shattered like hers). She knows how I feel about lies. Lying (we're not talking just a white lie here) to me is like telling an ENFP that all they care about is themselves and that everything that they do to make people happy is an attempt to manipulate them and get what they want. She should know how big of a move it was for me to agree to forgive her, even though it has been a relatively slow process. That should be something she uses to help her come around. Of course I won't tell her that, that would be emotional blackmail. And although my forgiving hasn't been an overnight process, I have still maintained love while rebuilding trust separately, and did not do it with her out of my life like she wants to do with me. I don't get why people can't say something they don't mean in a time of weakness. Like I said, I'm leaving it all in her hands now. I've done everything I can to be the best boyfriend I can before the argument, and directly after the argument. If she can't see that, I think I'm better off with a non-ENFP that is not a fair weather fan.

 

[Thalassa]

but I still feel that the emotion in your post is an overreaction,

Totally. And how.

I don't get why people can't say something they don't mean in a time of weakness.

I am in complete agreement with you because it's going to happen in any LTR, or any family relationship, or whatever.

I think there's a lot of self-righteousness in this thread, and it's on my nerves. And I don't mean the OP.

 

[stalemate]

Well that is very self-righteous. Especially given what I've read about ENFPs making ridiculously bad judgment calls a lot of times. That sounds like something an INTJ would say (which would even be considered as coming off as cocky by our own standards lol), and I would trust a decision like that more with an INTJ over an ENFP, all else held equal. I just really believe that thinking is more likely to arrive at the correct decision than feeling, so hopefully she will implement her Te function, which I am glad has been developing as we have dated I mean feeling is great and all, but it just creates disasters that thinking fixes, hehe. She should know that as a her boyfriend, AND as an INTJ, I don't lie. It's just something I don't do. It's something I detest. It's something I don't get over (except I have forgiven my girlfriend before, after my center core was shattered like hers). She knows how I feel about lies. Lying (we're not talking just a white lie here) to me is like telling an ENFP that all they care about is themselves and that everything that they do to make people happy is an attempt to manipulate them and get what they want. She should know how big of a move it was for me to agree to forgive her, even though it has been a relatively slow process. That should be something she uses to help her come around. Of course I won't tell her that, that would be emotional blackmail. And although my forgiving hasn't been an overnight process, I have still maintained love while rebuilding trust separately, and did not do it with her out of my life like she wants to do with me. I don't get why people can't say something they don't mean in a time of weakness. Like I said, I'm leaving it all in her hands now. I've done everything I can to be the best boyfriend I can before the argument, and directly after the argument. If she can't see that, I think I'm better off with a non-ENFP that is not a fair weather fan.

It sounds like you have it all figured out. Good luck.

 

[Lady_X]

whoa did you really just call him self righteous and then go on to belittle the way an enfp processes information while saying how much better your approach is and laughing about it like it was cute for anyone to assume otherwise???

 

[stalemate]

whoa did you really just call him self righteous and then go on to belittle the way an enfp processes information while saying how much better your approach is and laughing about it like it was cute for anyone to assume otherwise???

His post basically reduces down to "I'm smarter than her and if she'll just think about it like I've been training her to do, she'll come back to me."

 

[Wonkavision]

I'm very sorry to say this, Fecaleagle, but when I read the O.P. I couldn't help but think you sound a little psycho and obsessed.

I haven't read through the thread, but surely I'm not the only one who picked up on this.

I think that's probably why she left.

 

[Lady_X]

His post basically reduces down to "I'm smarter than her and if she'll just think about it like I've been training her to do, she'll come back to me."

yeah i know. really illuminates the amount of respect he has.

 

[Thalassa]

Thank you, fecaleagle, for this enlightening thread.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no way in hell I'm an ENFP.

 

[garbage]

I was saying things I couldn't even control and I knew I didn't mean them when I was saying them but I just felt really really hurt. My words were harsh, yes, and I did not mean any of what I said, I guess I was in protective mode. Anyways, I ended up overreacting and "breaking up" with her. I woke up the next morning regretting the "decision", but tried to hide my regret because of pride. Basically I said we should break up just to hurt her, and apologized, but she says that it was still a breakup because she was heartbroken for a day. Even though I had no intentions on breaking up I was just being an idiot, and have expressed that to her.
...
I am very emotional right now, and super hurt because a smart girl is about to make a dumb decision because she is emotionally overwhelmed, and time doesn't seem to be helping. It's only causing her to dwell on her fabricated versions of such events

Especially given what I've read about ENFPs making ridiculously bad judgment calls a lot of times. That sounds like something an INTJ would say (which would even be considered as coming off as cocky by our own standards lol), and I would trust a decision like that more with an INTJ over an ENFP, all else held equal. I just really believe that thinking is more likely to arrive at the correct decision than feeling, so hopefully she will implement her Te function, which I am glad has been developing as we have dated

what

 

[fecaleagle]

whoa did you really just call him self righteous and then go on to belittle the way an enfp processes information while saying how much better your approach is and laughing about it like it was cute for anyone to assume otherwise???

Let us assume that the tables were turned. That I was her and she was me. Since my INTJ process in this situation would allow me to arrive at the conclusion that she really does love me (because it would be true since I do love her, in every sense of the word), and if the ENFP process fails, then yes my approach is much better because two people who love eachother end up together. Now if she does make the "right" conclusion, then her ENFP method is indeed valid, but not as efficient since it is more painful for both parties. Nowhere in my posts did I belittle how an ENFP processes information. Just saying how I don't think it is correct how this ENFP is analyzing this precise situation. How can I adore an ENFP yet not like how she processes information. That is like the most important thing in our compatibility. Am my "hehe" was in regard to how messy feelings can be.

 

[stalemate]

Let us assume that the tables were turned. That I was her and she was me. Since my INTJ process in this situation would allow me to arrive at the conclusion that she really does love me (because it would be true since I do love her, in every sense of the word), and if the ENFP process fails, then yes my approach is much better because two people who love eachother end up together. Now if she does make the "right" conclusion, then her ENFP method is indeed valid, but not as efficient since it is more painful for both parties. Nowhere in my posts did I belittle how an ENFP processes information. Just saying how I don't think it is correct how this ENFP is analyzing this precise situation. How can I adore an ENFP yet not like how she processes information. That is like the most important thing in our compatibility. Am my "hehe" was in regard to how messy feelings can be.

Being right isn't going to gain you anything here.

 

[Lady_X]

Let us assume that the tables were turned. That I was her and she was me. Since my INTJ process in this situation would allow me to arrive at the conclusion that she really does love me (because it would be true since I do love her, in every sense of the word), and if the ENFP process fails, then yes my approach is much better because two people who love eachother end up together. Now if she does make the "right" conclusion, then her ENFP method is indeed valid, but not as efficient since it is more painful for both parties. Nowhere in my posts did I belittle how an ENFP processes information. Just saying how I don't think it is correct how this ENFP is analyzing this precise situation. How can I adore an ENFP yet not like how she processes information. That is like the most important thing in our compatibility. Am my "hehe" was in regard to how messy feelings can be.

let me explain something to you that you may not be programed to grasp...but saying you love someone means nothing if they do not feel loved by you. it doesn't mean it isn't true... it does not mean her way of processing is failing her. it means it is insignificant if it can't not be felt in the way she needs.

 

[fecaleagle]

Being right isn't going to gain you anything here.

Well I agree because in the end all I want is for us to be together and happy again. I have spoken my heart without trying to tell her what to think, and told her she can have her time and I'll wait because she is so important to me. The only thing I do regret is initially trying to share my logic and facts of the situation, I hope I didn't make it seem as if I was discounting her emotions or trying to manipulate her with logic, but I don't think it came off as that way because I was very genuine. I stopped with the logical arguments when we talked after I read this thread and how it could be perceived as bad, so thanks for the insight But at the same time, if it doesn't work out, then I know that I should we weary in being in a relationship with an ENFP since I know that their process is capable of drawing an incorrect decision of such magntitude (that I don't love her).

 

[Kalach]

If the NFP posts in this thread are an indication, then NFPs tend to keep themselves secret. All those posts included some kind of rule that NFPs have deep inner stuff that other people can trip over which lets the NFP recoil, blah blah blah. In other words, stuff they don't say until too late. Which sounds like a weird relationship. So either they're talking about what happens at the beginning of relationships, or they're talking about built in fail points for any relationship.

Ergo....


something happened earlier--that eight month ago thing--and the ENFP in question has been waiting, looking for confirmation of some righteous pattern.



This hypothesis brought to you by partial information, shallow analysis, and internet authority syndrome.

 

[fecaleagle]

let me explain something to you that you may not be programed to grasp...but saying you love someone means nothing if they do not feel loved by you. it doesn't mean it isn't true... it does not mean her way of processing is failing her. it means it is insignificant if it can't not be felt in the way she needs.

Explain to me how one night of words can make someone feel like you were not loved, after all hightened emotions settle down. Especially if all actions and time together before hand did make her feel loved. During this whole process I have tried to show her that I love her, not really just saying it. In fact, I was not one to say "I love you" in the relationship much, I just tried to show it via my actions and it was working.

 

[Wonkavision]

Jesus Christ.

I just read through the whole thread.


Fecal, your whole approach to the situation is completely insane.

I don't even know where to begin.....and I doubt it will do any good.


Basically, at this point, I can't believe you are serious.

Something tells me that you are a troll and eventually you're going to reveal that this thread is a big joke.

I hope.

Otherwise, I think you need serious help.

 

[stalemate]

Let's approach this from a different angle. In your opinion, is she above or below the Vicki Mendoza diagonal?

 

[Lady_X]

listen...i have no idea how your girl feels...i'm simply saying that one has to genuinely feel loved and respected and be able to trust her emotional self with you...she has to feel it...if this night changed that for her. then it did...i'm not saying it did but it is not just a simple matter of logic.