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[ENFP] ENFP girlfriend confusing me! Help!

Kalach

Filthy Apes!
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
4,310
MBTI Type
INTJ
What do you mean 'make that awareness accessible'? It's something you have to develop for yourself if you want a place amongst people. And the last two things you said don't make any sense and seem to underscore the fact that you don't understand what I was saying.

The point is that just because YOUR assessment of something is that it's false, that doesn't mean that it IS false. So, when you 'deprive' other people of the 'best of you' (HAH!), you are often depriving yourself of the real truth. That's the point. (So, what ends up happening is that someone says something that is true but is disruptive to your mental framework. You dismiss it, saying that it's 'a lie' and go back to thinking in your incorrect framework, convincing yourself that it's all their fault and that they were lying to you.)

Not to be too ironic, but... bullshit.

You've got a hidden claim in there that truth and honesty can coexist with not saying true things. Presumably this is some reference to the deep inner well of authenticity that gets hidden by but justifies the not saying what's true if it would hurt people.

And get over it: if ENFPs want to work that way, fine; but you need to justify it better than with some swipe at INTJs as liars too.


"Make that awareness accessible" means tell the truth as you feel it. You've set yourself up as the expert on matters of the heart, but you're not going to put yourself on the line and actually SAY what those matters are? Other people have to develop their own hearts? You get to sit all lonely and authentic by yourself waiting?

This is what happens when you deny that truth is important: you no longer get to be heard as a truth-teller.
 

fecaleagle

New member
Joined
Mar 5, 2010
Messages
120
MBTI Type
INTj
Not to be too ironic, but... bullshit.

You've got a hidden claim in there that truth and honesty can coexist with not saying true things. Presumably this is some reference to the deep inner well of authenticity that gets hidden by but justifies the not saying what's true if it would hurt people.

And get over it: if ENFPs want to work that way, fine; but you need to justify it better than with some swipe at INTJs as liars too.


"Make that awareness accessible" means tell the truth as you feel it. You've set yourself up as the expert on matters of the heart, but you're not going to put yourself on the line and actually SAY what those matters are? Other people have to develop their own hearts? You get to sit all lonely and authentic by yourself waiting?

This is what happens when you deny that truth is important: you no longer get to be heard as a truth-teller.

:worthy:

Oh yeah, for what it's worth, lying is something I just don't do. Whether it's an INTJ trait or not, is hard to say. And I equate holding back something of importance to lying, maybe even worse. To let a relationship weaken so much because of a fear of confrontation is beyond cowardly. I'm sad to say that I've read that about A LOT of ENFPs. Hopefully it has a lot to do with maturity, and is most just likely to affect ENFPs. You guys are the sexiest type, and I really hope to find another one of ya (a mature one)
 

Liesl

New member
Joined
Jun 20, 2010
Messages
204
Not to be too ironic, but... bullshit.

You've got a hidden claim in there that truth and honesty can coexist with not saying true things. Presumably this is some reference to the deep inner well of authenticity that gets hidden by but justifies the not saying what's true if it would hurt people.

And get over it: if ENFPs want to work that way, fine; but you need to justify it better than with some swipe at INTJs as liars too.


"Make that awareness accessible" means tell the truth as you feel it. You've set yourself up as the expert on matters of the heart, but you're not going to put yourself on the line and actually SAY what those matters are? Other people have to develop their own hearts? You get to sit all lonely and authentic by yourself waiting?

This is what happens when you deny that truth is important: you no longer get to be heard as a truth-teller.
Um, wtf? There was no such claim. The truth is often much more complex than what Ni reveals; that was the claim.

First of all, I never said I wouldn't say what those matters are. I've been talking about the truth as I feel it throughout this thread. Second of all, are you saying other people don't have to develop their own hearts? Yes. They do. Unfortunately, it's not other people's responsibility to explain the workings of the social world to you. Third of all, what's wrong with you? You are not interpreting anything I'm saying correctly; you're reading your own interpretation that's completely incorrect.
 
Last edited:

the state i am in

Active member
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
2,475
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
i have never seen so much self-inflicted damage in all my life. the only way i can enjoy this is if an awesomely cynical entp is marionetting all the actors on stage like puppets.

it suffices to say i've met few intjs or enfps in real life who behave at all similarly to anyone in this thread. the individual understandings employed seem mostly harmful, with much condescension pointing in every direction and no humor to mediate it, nor to help diffuse individual desires that don't turn out the way they intend to satisfy themselves. and almost everyone in this thread obviously wants something, or has a bone to pick, or is rooting their behavior in an extremely obvious agenda. wrapping every element of every story around one very single and basic truth that reads like a single traumatic event replaying itself endlessly.
 

Moiety

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
5,996
MBTI Type
ISFJ
i have never seen so much self-inflicted damage in all my life. the only way i can enjoy this is if an awesomely cynical entp is marionetting all the actors on stage like puppets.

it suffices to say i've met few intjs or enfps in real life who behave at all similarly to anyone in this thread. the individual understandings employed seem mostly harmful, with much condescension pointing in every direction and no humor to mediate it, nor to help diffuse individual desires that don't turn out the way they intend to satisfy themselves. and almost everyone in this thread obviously wants something, or has a bone to pick, or is rooting their behavior in an extremely obvious agenda. wrapping every element of every story around one very single and basic truth that reads like a single traumatic event replaying itself endlessly.

You need a cup of tea.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
i have never seen so much self-inflicted damage in all my life. the only way i can enjoy this is if an awesomely cynical entp is marionetting all the actors on stage like puppets.

it suffices to say i've met few intjs or enfps in real life who behave at all similarly to anyone in this thread. the individual understandings employed seem mostly harmful, with much condescension pointing in every direction and no humor to mediate it, nor to help diffuse individual desires that don't turn out the way they intend to satisfy themselves. and almost everyone in this thread obviously wants something, or has a bone to pick, or is rooting their behavior in an extremely obvious agenda. wrapping every element of every story around one very single and basic truth that reads like a single traumatic event replaying itself endlessly.

I can see that you're not a fan of Fi.
 

fecaleagle

New member
Joined
Mar 5, 2010
Messages
120
MBTI Type
INTj
I have already made SO much progress with the moving on process, it seems too good to be true...I guess both knowing how horrible of a person my ex was and having fellow ENFPs hear the entire story and confirm her true intentions has been an IMMENSE help. A few of you even mentioned how an immature ENFP can so easily believe her own lies, and I've found that to be so true! Thank you guys so much. I owe my sanity to you guys :hug:
 

Kalach

Filthy Apes!
Joined
Dec 3, 2008
Messages
4,310
MBTI Type
INTJ
Um, wtf? There was no such claim. The truth is often much more complex than what Ni reveals; that was the claim.


And I quote:

A lot of what INTJs perceive as 'lies' are actually just complex truths that fly straight over their heads.


Either you're incapable of presenting the complexity in an understandable manner or you expect the complexity will be gleaned and your role as emotional director will be understood naturally. But where does that role come from, huh? And how is it expressed?

Third of all, what's wrong with you? You are not interpreting anything I'm saying correctly; you're reading your own interpretation that's completely incorrect.

Good luck with that. You believe in adapting to the moment but harbour inner convictions about what's right and wrong. Emergent leadership is necessary for the expression of your personality and its interaction with the world. Lying is one of the built in pitfalls.

You're supposed to bring this stuff out of the shadows, not (just) finesse moments so that people move in the "right" direction.
 
R

ReflecTcelfeR

Guest
Yeah!... wait *looks around* I see you all staring at us with your emotion filled eyes, but you can't take us all down! *looks back*... guys? S**t. *Runs away*.
 

fecaleagle

New member
Joined
Mar 5, 2010
Messages
120
MBTI Type
INTj
Just an update...Somehow I've pretty much moved on completely...that was fast and seemingly impossible. What gives? I thought it takes tons of time to heal these things? Could it be because I was betrayed and lost all respect for my ex, making the process a breeze? I actually kind of feel good, like I dodged a bullet. I look forward to finding a better girl soon, like a challenge of some sort. The other night I burned all of our pictures and felt no emotional response when looking at them...it was almost like I was looking at a picture of myself and a stranger, so so weird. The only thing that I felt was confusion..not emotional confusion but the need to know why things turned out the way they did. It's even harder to figure it out since in the grand scheme of things and during this stressful period, I did everything right. I don't mind one bit having her out of my life because time has really put a perspective of who she was throughout our relationship and how blind I was, but I guess I'm just frustrated by the lack of honesty as to how exactly this all happened and why. I have to accept that it's just one of those things that I'll never know. People tell me it doesn't matter, so I've been trying to listen but sometimes I just can't turn off my analyzing brain. Just rambling I guess, which is something I don't do. I guess this whole situation plus my interaction on this forum has really made me locate and pinpoint my Fi and I feel like I'm well on my way to developing it as best as a tertiary function can be developed. I bet this sounds strange to ENFPs, just thought I'd share and get your input! :) I'm determined to figure out the ENFP and end up in a relationship with one (a good one this time)
 

ludius

New member
Joined
Jul 14, 2010
Messages
1
MBTI Type
ENFP
I can't believe I read this whole thread in a single sitting. It's like watching a love story movie. I'm 27 and I've never been in a relationship that's why reading something like this that involves ENFP and INTJ is so much interesting. :hi:

Note: I can't believe it too that I even registered to this forum just to post this message. LOL!

EDIT: @fecaleagle, Here's the final and the most (or only) useful advice that you have to get from this thread: Why not try another enfp? This time, a *gay* enfp :banana: :yay:
 

Ratsimoan

New member
Joined
Mar 25, 2010
Messages
289
MBTI Type
enfp
Enneagram
4w5
Just an update...Somehow I've pretty much moved on completely...that was fast and seemingly impossible. What gives? I thought it takes tons of time to heal these things? Could it be because I was betrayed and lost all respect for my ex, making the process a breeze? I actually kind of feel good, like I dodged a bullet. I look forward to finding a better girl soon, like a challenge of some sort. The other night I burned all of our pictures and felt no emotional response when looking at them...it was almost like I was looking at a picture of myself and a stranger, so so weird. The only thing that I felt was confusion..not emotional confusion but the need to know why things turned out the way they did. It's even harder to figure it out since in the grand scheme of things and during this stressful period, I did everything right. I don't mind one bit having her out of my life because time has really put a perspective of who she was throughout our relationship and how blind I was, but I guess I'm just frustrated by the lack of honesty as to how exactly this all happened and why. I have to accept that it's just one of those things that I'll never know. People tell me it doesn't matter, so I've been trying to listen but sometimes I just can't turn off my analyzing brain. Just rambling I guess, which is something I don't do. I guess this whole situation plus my interaction on this forum has really made me locate and pinpoint my Fi and I feel like I'm well on my way to developing it as best as a tertiary function can be developed. I bet this sounds strange to ENFPs, just thought I'd share and get your input! :) I'm determined to figure out the ENFP and end up in a relationship with one (a good one this time)

I'm glad you moved on. I'm, also, glad you didn't count enfps out. Yeah, look for a more healthy enfp-who's ready to be in an open honest relationship. But don't worry about personality type because you might find happiness in another personality type.
 

Neko Meika

New member
Joined
Nov 17, 2016
Messages
1
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
2
Basically I said we should break up just to hurt her, and apologized, but she says that it was still a breakup because she was heartbroken for a day. Even though I had no intentions on breaking up I was just being an idiot, and have expressed that to her. Anyways, I told her how much she means to me and that what I said were simply words, without of my true emotions attached. Since then, she has been acting super cold to me. She says we are taking a break, and that she wants to work on getting back together, but her actions says otherwise, like we are breaking up but she needs to be 100% sure or something. Then, all the sudden she claims that she doesn't think that I think she is the girl for me and that we should break up. It really seems like she is being super vindictive for no reason, and hurting my feelings much more than I could have hurt hers, since she has been doing this for 2 weeks. I've agreed that I will communicate more and force myself not to overreact in these rare times. I've even expressed how I want to spend the rest of my life with her because we are perfect for eachother, but it seems like she doesn't believe me or something! Or thinks that I do not know what I want. Ha, an INTJ not knowing what they want? I feel like she thinks that I'm trying to trick her or something, which would make NO sense for an INTJ to do! If I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to fight any obstacle for us to be together because I know I've found my soulmate, I wouldn't even be trying right now. My default mode, naturally, is single-mode, and I know that being in a relationship hasn't changed that. So the fact that I'm still in it should say everything. However, I have truly reached my breaking point. I don't hold any negative feelings for her, but I can't help but feel that her love for me was never or will never be as strong as mine was for her, and am struggling to understand how she can stand to see me suffer past a point of justice.

As an ENFP, I don't believe she's trying to make you suffer, or giving any form of revenge. When words hurt, they tend to resurface in our minds over and over again. I know, because I remember every single painful word my ex told me 2 years ago, also remembering where I was at the time and what I was doing. I don't know if she remembers what you said exactly, but it must still affect her the same way.

You must know that ENFPs tend to withdraw themselves from most types of conflict right? Well, she has probably givin in to her own fight against fear. She's afraid of getting hurt again, and it will probably take her a good while to get over it. I think the best chance you would've had of getting her back is by slowly starting over again: be her friend and show her you're there for her.
 

Poki

New member
Joined
Dec 4, 2008
Messages
10,436
MBTI Type
STP
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
As an ENFP, I don't believe she's trying to make you suffer, or giving any form of revenge. When words hurt, they tend to resurface in our minds over and over again. I know, because I remember every single painful word my ex told me 2 years ago, also remembering where I was at the time and what I was doing. I don't know if she remembers what you said exactly, but it must still affect her the same way.

You must know that ENFPs tend to withdraw themselves from most types of conflict right? Well, she has probably givin in to her own fight against fear. She's afraid of getting hurt again, and it will probably take her a good while to get over it. I think the best chance you would've had of getting her back is by slowly starting over again: be her friend and show her you're there for her.

I guess closure after 6 or so years of being confused is a good thing...:D
 
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