[MBTI General] xNFP females, do you tend to be better friends with males?

[Thalassa]

I actually think I need some relating for romantic vibes to happen also.... .

I absolutely have to have it. It's a must.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

What usually creates the strongest connection?

 

[Synarch]

I absolutely have to have it. It's a must.

Yes, but why? Because you cannot feel love without identification?

All these questions are reminding me of a quote attributed to Roseanne Barr:

"Men are concerned with cause. Women are concerned with effect."

 

[Thalassa]

I am just curious why it seems central to you. Or, perhaps it is not a consciously understood thing?

Do you feel disconnected if you do not relate? Does this disconnection cause you discomfort?

Yeah, I'm one of those poor saps who would be like, even if I had billions of dollars and everything else I had ever wanted, but didn't have love, I would feel empty and sad.

Relationships with other people are kind of what it's all about for me, I guess. I don't just mean romantic relationships, of course.

 

[Thalassa]

Yes, but why? Because you cannot feel love without identification?

All these questions are reminding me of a quote attributed to Roseanne Barr:

"Men are concerned with cause. Women are concerned with effect."

Yeah I don't know how to answer your question. To me what you're talking about sounds like objectification, not love.

I don't think I'm going be able to give you an answer that makes sense to you.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

How do you deal with those that you can't make a connection with?

 

[Southern Kross]

See, I actively cross boundaries because I want to know how their mechanism works and what they'll do. And I want to know if I can affect others in some way. And if I can affect them, what happens and why?

I do respect the intention to explore what is easily accepted and unchallenged. I find crossing this minefield to be kinda scary. I am worried about causing offense or being in an uncomfortable situation.

IDK if it's Fi, but I know my boundaries can be markedly different from other people.

Someone had to tell me not to hug a male friend of mine, as it sent the wrong signal - I was like "What?!" . I have a habit of hugging the host/hostess, and didn't realize it came off as singling him out . But yet, I am careful not to flirt in the way I see other women do. I also get weirdly private about stuff others see as just fine to share.

Yeah, my boundaries don't exactly match others. I tend to do things that feel right to me and I never know if my behaviour is giving people different signals than I intend.

I have a good male friend (an INTJ if that matters) and I always used to be uncertain of how his girlfriend felt about our friendship and whether it made her uncomfortable. At one point in time I often used to go around to his flat and sit around alone with him in his room, talking and looking at stuff on his computer. His girlfriend (who lived with him) would chat with us for a while and then often would disappear with an excuse of working on an assignment or something the like. At the time this was no big deal but I realised afterward what an amazing girlfriend she was. She was leaving us alone intentionally so we could spend time together.

As a footnote: this couple are now engaged and I am such good friends with both of them, that I have been asked to choose between being a bridesmaid or a best 'man'

 

[Synarch]

Yeah, I'm one of those poor saps who would be like, even if I had billions of dollars and everything else I had ever wanted, but didn't have love, I would feel empty and sad.

Relationships with other people are kind of what it's all about for me, I guess. I don't just mean romantic relationships, of course.

I have a theory that women feel this connectedness more naturally because they grow up with the idea that someone else can grow from their body. And with luck, they will eventually conceive a child and experience this. And since they grow up thinking about this, they also are aware that all people came from someone else's body and that in a real way we are directly connected to one another. By bonds of flesh and blood and soul.

I think men, because they lack this fundamental anatomical reality, have to learn to connect. It is not as innate or natural.

We will never have another person growing inside us or really inside us at all. And even our genitals are separated from our bodies such that we are disconnected even from our own sexual feeling.

 

[OrangeAppled]

Interesting. So you have to relate to have access to any emotional intimacy? And by relating you mean that you have to feel that something is being shared between the two of you?

Yes...but it need not be extremely literal. It's more abstract than identifying directly with a feeling/experience. I've mentioned in many INFP threads about extrapolating from personal feeling to understand somewhat foreign ones - it's something like that.

This requires vulnerability of course, which may be the issue with some men not relating easily.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I have a theory that women feel this connectedness more naturally because they grow up with the idea that someone else can grow from their body. And with luck, they will eventually conceive a child and experience this. And since they grow up thinking about this, they also are aware that all people came from someone else's body and that in a real way we are directly connected to one another. By bonds of flesh and blood and soul.

I think men, because they lack this fundamental anatomical reality, have to learn to connect. It is not as innate or natural.

We will never have another person growing inside us or really inside us at all. And even our genitals are separated from our bodies such that we are disconnected even from our own sexual feeling.

Interesting...I've definitely always seen intercourse as more physically vulnerable for a woman for similar reasons.

 

[Southern Kross]

How do you deal with those that you can't make a connection with?

Do you mean this on non-romantic or romantic terms?

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

Both. I would see this more directed towards non-romantic though.

 

[Synarch]

Yes...but it need not be extremely literal. It's more abstract than identifying directly with a feeling/experience. I've mentioned in many INFP threads about extrapolating from personal feeling to understand somewhat foreign ones - it's something like that.

Yeah, I wish I could just absorb your brain and get your meaning. I am having difficulty understanding the nuances involved.

This requires vulnerability of course, which may be the issue with some men not relating easily.

This is an area I have trouble with. I think the root of it is that I am suspicious and afraid of my own emotions (in the sense that they can overwhelm and take over), so as a result I have trouble connecting on that level. I am trying to work on it, but as you can guess, I am all thumbs when it comes to what I am actually feeling. My emotions seem to stay in a range of excitement, anxiety, or anger. The more subtle emotions feel like faraway voices that I have to strain to hear. Not sure how to improve my hearing.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

Not sure how to improve my hearing.

Through connecting, hahaha. I would say that it's like taking an emotion that you are familiar with and then from this familiarity try to analyze it in a new way creating a new emotion that allows you to grow further as a person, emotionally speaking.

 

[Synarch]

Interesting...I've definitely always seen intercourse as more physically vulnerable for a woman for similar reasons.

And there is that cliche about the terror men have of being penetrated. It is obvious how that can factor in here. Perhaps all men should be penetrated to feel true vulnerability. The penis is always external so it is rarely a threat to vulnerability.

 

[Synarch]

Through connecting, hahaha. I would say that it's like taking an emotion that you are familiar with and then from this familiarity try to analyze it in a new way creating a new emotion that allows you to grow further as a person, emotionally speaking.

I think you've got a good point. Maybe I will gain access to more complex emotions by trying to connect. Good point!

 

[OrangeAppled]

How do you deal with those that you can't make a connection with?

Well, these are the majority who are relegated to friendly acquaintances. Or they may be a casual friend if we can relate through other means, such as general interests.

 

[Synarch]

Interesting...I've definitely always seen intercourse as more physically vulnerable for a woman for similar reasons.

The way men are vulnerable: emotion.
The way women are vulnerable: physical.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

Well, these are the majority who are relegated to friendly acquaintances. Or they may be a casual friend if we can relate through other means, such as general interests.

Does this work well in a work enviroment too?

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

The way men are vulnerable: emotion.
The way women are vulnerable: physical.

Seems like a fair trade-off.