[MBTI General] xNFP females, do you tend to be better friends with males?

[Lady_X]

well hell i'd like to think so...it would make me feel really bad about myself i think if someone i considered a friend really just wanted to have sex with me.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I usually take a protective stance with women... I don't find many who avoid wanting to be protected, which I suppose is interesting in some respects.

 

[Synarch]

well hell i'd like to think so...it would make me feel really bad about myself i think if someone i considered a friend really just wanted to have sex with me.

Would it make you feel better if you thought that sex is how men typically feel close to someone? That often talking and relating does not elicit the same feelings of closeness that it might for a woman? A lot of things are how you see them.

 

[OrangeAppled]

It's difficult for me to see most women as equals mainly because I don't know many who I respect for their intellect or talents. Respect is how men like one another.

This is pretty much of what I've always suspected is the main reason many men say that they are not really friends with women.

I appreciate you being honest about it, as most men skirt around it & deny it.

This is also possibly why I think Feeling men may be more apt to develop friendships with women that are platonic, and it's because of valuing some kind of emotional connection that doesn't have to be tied to romantic feeling.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

well hell i'd like to think so...it would make me feel really bad about myself i think if someone i considered a friend really just wanted to have sex with me.

Don't take that stance automatically. Just remember that it is one of the countless possibilities out there.

 

[Lady_X]

well in a romantic relationship i get that but in friends? no...because i think it would have to be more of a brother sister dynamic...protective, loving and respectful...not that plus sexual...sexual feelings are too tied into romantic feelings for me that i can't see them separately.

Would it make you feel better if you thought that sex is how men typically feel close to someone? That often talking and relating does not elicit the same feelings of closeness that it might for a woman? A lot of things are how you see them.

 

[Magic Poriferan]

I'm strictly heterosexual.
I have a high libido.

But..

Women are also my primary source of friendship and camaraderie.
I'm more likely to have conversations (of about any kind) with women.
I'm more likely to want to do carry out work with them.
I'm more likely to trust them with private information or personal responsiblity.

There is no doubt that males are at a disadvantage when it comes to being friends with me. They generally have to put in more for less.

So clearly this means I have a conscious distinction of men and women in my mind. But the male-female dynamic for me bears little resemblance to Synarch's.

Everything on this forum is an anecdote...

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

It just seems that friendships are based on a connection between man and the women, but if men do not actually connect to someone through this mode of communication (talking, finding common interests) then the man is being more friendly then actually creating a friendship. This is what I'm interpreting Synarch's words as.

 

[Lady_X]

us ne people are totally drowning this thread yo

 

[Synarch]

This is pretty much of what I've always suspected is the main reason many men say that they are not really friends with women.

I appreciate you being honest about it, as most men skirt around it & deny it.

Denials by men should perhaps be seen as being motivated by a desire to not insult or hurt you by saying something that might be easily misunderstood. Most men are motivated by goodness. I prefer saying what I mean to the risk of inflicting hurt.

I can appreciate women for talents that I find completely foreign and baffling. But since these talents and strengths are foreign to me, I find it hard to relate and identify. This is essentially how I admire women... as beings incomprehensible yet compelling. Unfortunately, this incomprehensibility can be a block to identification.

This is also possibly why I think Feeling men may be more apt to develop friendships with women that are platonic, and it's because of valuing some kind of emotional connection that doesn't have to be tied to romantic feeling.

I think that is true. Men who are more emotionally capable probably have access to a wider range of feeling.

 

[Magic Poriferan]

It just seems that friendships are based on a connection between man and the women, but if men do not actually connect to someone through this mode of communication (talking, finding common interests) then the man is being more friendly then actually creating a friendship. This is what I'm interpreting Synarch's words as.

Conversation and common interests do comprise some of my relationships with women.

These kinds of relationships aren't mutually exclusive, though. The person I liked the most was everything. I respected her, perhaps even admired her. I found it very easy to talk to her and interact with her. And I was quite in love with her and found her sexually attractive.

But she was exceptional.

 

[Lady_X]

i totally agree with that synarch. it's relating vs appreciation..relating leads to friendship and appreciating can lead to attraction.

 

[Synarch]

I'm strictly heterosexual.
I have a high libido.

I respect your point of view. However, have you not expressed in the past issues of gender confusion?

 

[Synarch]

i totally agree with that synarch. it's relating vs appreciation..relating leads to friendship and appreciating can lead to attraction.

To relate you have to be able to identify.

 

[Southern Kross]

I would never be friends with a woman I was attracted to. Boundaries.

Smart man. That's got to save you some grief.

Here's the irony. The best way to get a woman to want to have sex with you is to be friends with her without ever suggesting that you ever want anything more. Gradually, she will wonder why you never flirted or made a move and it will drive her crazy.

Playing hard to get, in whatever form it takes, has never attracted me in any way. I have no doubt that this works on some self-absorbed women but I never assume that I am (or should be) a major factor in anyone elses actions. Foolishly, if a man is ignoring me or merely be nice I assume he is uninterested in me romantically.

Besides, I have no patience for such silly games.

And as for men and women being friends, I always find it hard to take the things some men say about how its impossible without a sexual aspect to it (even if it isn't acted upon). I have never noticed any sexual element in the way my male friends treat me (not even sneaky glances!). Even when they've been in situations which lends to at least some romantic/sexual tension. I do understand that men tend to be sexually attracted to almost any remotely attractive woman they are in close proximity to but surely for some men the feeling of friendship can grossly outweigh (and cancel out) the odd moment of attraction.

EDIT: Agh! This comment is so far behind. This thread is moving so fast!

 

[Lady_X]

To relate you have to be able to identify.

well yeah.

 

[CzeCze]

There is this aphorism in Nietzsche's "Ecce Homo" that I often think about:

"When thou goest to woman, take thy whip."

On the surface it sounds misogynistic, but as with many of his aphorisms there are multiple interpretations that spur thought. The reason I think about it a lot is that I think each possible interpretation illuminates an essential fact of male / female relations.

Out of all the possible reasons to "take thy whip" I have come up with the following interpretations:

1. The whip as a tool of domination over women.
2. The whip as a tool for keeping women at bay, much like a lion tamer keeps lions at bay.
3. The whip as a means to punish yourself in front of women or because of women.
4. The whip as a tool a woman uses to dominate men, ie. take your whip so that she can whip you.
5. The whip as a tool for spurring action.

In any case, I think there is something thought provoking about it. And I consider it often. There is a force at work that keeps us at odds with one another. And that same force attracts us irrevocably to one another.

That's nothing new. Women have historically been seen as forces as nature, mystical, closer to the spirits, dangerous and irrational, etc. by male philosophers and male religious leaders and male dramaturgists throughout history.

I interpret that quote ^^ more along the same lines.

And...where did this thread go? LOL.

Anyhow, my answer is that I generally have female friends. I think if the OP tends to have only male friends I'd guess she's very pretty and gets positive attention from guys. Similar to Silly Sapienne's experience I wouldn't be surprised if later down the line

I dated an INFP woman who had this similar pattern until college when she went to a women's college. She was only "friends" with guys in highschool as apparently all the other girls were jealous of her... ^_^ I also knew another INFP woman who was a tomboy and played a lot of sports and had a pattern of having male friends who later wanted more. Both these women continue a pattern of problematic/disappointing relationships (both friendship and dating). The first woman is bisexual, the second woman is a lesbian.

I have to say both these patterns ^^ could be avoided if you learned to recognize the kind of attention you were getting - from both guys and girls. And were also more self-aware and clear of the signals you yourself give off or how people will interpret your actions.

I haven't seen this problem to this magnitude with non-XNFP types.

I think it's usually pretty clear when a straight dude is just talking to you or interested in you because they find you attractive and want to be more than friends. I have found that XNFPs, particularly INFPs are really bad at recognizing/gauging this.

I've also seen guys form very patronizing "friendships" with women they think are really cute but otherwise they think are dumber or less informed than they are or otherwise not on par with being an equal peer.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I find that admiration is a clear sign of affection to me. But in connecting this with everything we have said before it makes sense. Admiration usually arrives when you wish to do something that you can't, this would be the disconnect that exists between man and women, thus creating the sexual feelings that we have. Obtaining something that we don't have is very thrilling to most.

 

[Lady_X]

but the sexiest kind is a mix don't you think?

 

[Synarch]

And as for men and women being friends, I always find it hard to take the things some men say about how its impossible without a sexual aspect to it (even if it isn't acted upon). I have never noticed any sexual element in the way my male friends treat me (not even sneaky glances!). Even when they've been in situations which lends to at least some romantic/sexual tension. I do understand that men tend to be sexually attracted to almost any remotely attractive woman they are in close proximity to but surely for some men the feeling of friendship can grossly outweigh (and cancel out) the odd moment of attraction.

I take you at your word.

However...

In these cases, are you available, are they available, and, how attractive are you?

These factors dictate the strength of the attraction.