[INFJ] INFJ's, do you hold back emotionally?

[lbloom]

Beginning to see another dimension of why INTPs and INFJs can have very validating relationships.

You folks are pretty darned different from ISFJs, although those can be wonderful people too.

 

[Shinzon]

*

 

[lbloom]

but sometimes they don't understand me.

Yes. As a result, liable to feel unloved if verbal and material reinforcement of affection is interrupted. They may need concrete reminders to feel secure, even when they can certainly feel the affection.

 

[Tigerlily]

Sounds to me like you're insecure. As for types, any type can have insecurities. Maybe she doesn't want to have to reassure you all the time and is using the break to recharge? This is why I think NF's need to mix it up a little with NT's.

I'm an NF and at times insecure. Thankfully my NT knows this (thinking man he is) and isn't too bothered with my sometimes moody behavior. Being with him has also helped me think things out more thoroughly and rely on logic when coming to a conclusion. I'm not always successful and still use feelings, but I am better. I wouldn't do well with another NF, but that's just me.

 

[white]

*smacks head* Me too... Sometimes I feel fake when I say that "I love you" What does that mean really? What is love? I don't know! People keep on saying when you feel it you'll know. But huh? I've felt tenderness and caring. Is that love? The SJs seem so sure that they loved me. Yet me on the other hand was absolutely confused. It's an issue of being genuine. I feel that what I say must be correct. Yet Fe sense the other person wanting the love to be reciprocated. It makes for an extremely awkward situation. And the easiest way out is to run away.

ahh mousie, no running away. There's a certain certainty with a person, where affection, fascination and sympatico goes deeper, and your doubts are quiet for once. That's as best as I can say it. I think I described it to Pink somewhere that it is like a white light to the soul. You'll know it, mousie

Before Silently Honest chokes *chuckles*. Revised list: (If I've missed any, please add on)

athenian200
cafe
cascademn
dissonance
faith
Jen
Kiddo
Kyrielle
MJ_
nightning
Shinzon
Silently Honest
theshadow
Toonia(?)
Wandering

 

[INTJMom]

ahh mousie, no running away. There's a certain certainty with a person, where affection, fascination and sympatico goes deeper, and your doubts are quiet for once. That's as best as I can say it. I think I described it to Pink somewhere that it is like a white light to the soul. You'll know it, mousie ...

That's how it happened with me. But I agree that it may be a "type thing". Some types may be more apt to KNOW they're in love, while other types may warm up to it slowly, or whatever.

I met my husband on a Friday night. The next morning when I woke up, I KNEW I was in love! I introduced him to everyone as the "man of my dreams". I had been infatuated before but this was the first time it truly felt reciprocated. I could tell he wanted me. He's an ISTP. We just celebrated our 25th anniversary.

 

[ferrisbueller]

This is why I think NF's need to mix it up a little with NT's.

I do have tons of NT friends, including a couple of INTJ's which I know some believe to be the ideal romantic match for an ENFP, but I honestly don't feel that kind of connection with NTs. Maybe it's because I grew up with an ENTJ father who I clashed with a little bit, but I feel a much stronger romantic connection with other NFs. That emotional depth and intensity feels essential to me. I can see why an NT would be the right match for some NFs, but I like the emotional support that fellow NFs provide.

 

[Economica]

I do have tons of NT friends, including a couple of INTJ's which I know some believe to be the ideal romantic match for an ENFP, but I honestly don't feel that kind of connection with NTs.

Just out of curiosity, have you ever met a female INTJ?

 

[Tigerlily]

I met one yesterday. I did her hair and makeup for her wedding. She was very laid back and knew exactly what she wanted. I like upfront people who you don't have to wonder what they're thinking. Get to the point.

I am not an NT, but I don't go for too much mushy behavior that is why I enjoy being married to an INTJ. And contrary to what some people think, they do have emotions and can be quite affectionate.

 

[ferrisbueller]

Yeah, I go to school with a female INTJ. They are certainly uncommon however, I had never met one before. Also, Jen's right, INTJs can be quite affectionate, one of my my closest friends is an INTJ who shows surprising emotional depth. However it took years and years of friendship to get to that place where he felt comfortable being emotional with me. I'm really his only friend, social situations and him do not get along, but we've been friends for years.
Still, I feel like a romantic partnership with a INTJ would be too much work for me. I can't help but feel like I'd put a lot more in than I would get out, if that makes any sense. Also I can't imagine feeling that romantic spark. In fact, I feel reasonably sure that I've only felt romantically attracted to NFJs. However, there aren't necessarily a bunch of NT women running around, so it's possible that I haven't met enough. One never knows I guess.

 

[Atomic Fiend]

Sounds to me like you're insecure. As for types, any type can have insecurities. Maybe she doesn't want to have to reassure you all the time and is using the break to recharge? This is why I think NF's need to mix it up a little with NT's.
I'm an NF and at times insecure. Thankfully my NT knows this (thinking man he is) and isn't too bothered with my sometimes moody behavior. Being with him has also helped me think things out more thoroughly and rely on logic when coming to a conclusion. I'm not always successful and still use feelings, but I am better. I wouldn't do well with another NF, but that's just me.

I find that I work better with NTs also, I can't explain exactly why though. I do remember it worked out much better then my brief go with another NF. It started well enough, but ultimately went no where, why it went no where was beyond me, we both had the same values, we both were to nice for our own good, and we even a similar interest, all of it was there. It turns out that we were both in love with the idea of each other and not actually in love with each other, and that was damn shame, probably don't even have her number anymore. It's like when you place to magnets of the same polarity against each other, they repel.

 

[quietgirl]

So I'm an ENFP, heavy on the NF, and I've been dating an INFJ for a little while. Generally things are going really well. She's very emotionally sensitive, which I certainly appreciate, and I love the NF-NF connection. Here's the problem: she seems to be completely unable to express her emotions verbally. I can count the times she has complimented me on one hand. We go to school together, but when school isn't in session we are long distance. Even when we've been separated for several weeks she can't say "I miss you."
I don't mean to imply that she is cold, obviously as an INFJ this isn't the case. I can tell that she cares through sweet little gestures. However, I'm a tremendously verbal person, and it hurts my feelings a little bit that she can't just say "I care about you."
Is it a time issue? Do I just have to earn the trust and loyalty of the INFJ over a longer period of time?
Is this typical INFJ behavior? On a little side note, ENFP/INFJ match, what does everybody think?

Hmm... before my current boyfriend, I would've totally related to the INFJ you are dating. I had a lot of trouble expressing how I felt verbally, mainly because I was either unaware of how I felt or I felt so deeply that words couldn't describe how I felt. I need to feel comfortable and trust people before opening up to them.

To elaborate on not knowing how I feel, I think this may be the difference between a Fe & a Fi individual. I could certainly feel and describe what the person I was dating was feeling, but I'd need my own feelings drawn out of me - usually by relating. My current boyfriend is also a Fe sorta person, so we are constantly relating & connecting feelings & it seems to draw out our own personal feelings in a way that I've never experienced before - hence why I said before my current boyfriend.

That being said, I am STILL more of a show how I feel instead of say how I feel kind of person. I normally want it in return as well - a verbal "I love you" means less than a gesture that shows "I love you". Maybe showing her how you feel will make her more receptive to you? I know the more I see emotions acted out, the more inclined I am to express them verbally. I also hold back until I feel a relationship is secure and consistent - as in the person I'm dating isn't going to just up & leave me. If I don't see signs of consistency, then I will hold back.

As for an INFJ/ENFP pairing... I've never been romantically involved with an ENFP, but I do have an ENFP best friend. We have our differences, but we both tend to want to go the extra mile to overcome our differences to make our friendship (and when we lived together, our living situation) work. We both really valued diplomacy and compromising so everyone involved was happy. I find that my best friend is a bit more sensitive than me, despite us both being NF's. More things seemed to hurt her to the core based on her personal values, whereas I tended to let that stuff roll off my back.

 

[wedekit]

Well, I don't say that I hold back emotionally, I just don't have a "need" to share. Another contributing factor is that sometimes it's not easy to explain how I feel. I don't mean that I am confused, I just don't know how to say it in words because emotions for me go far beyond that. The best way to tell someone how I feel is through actions: bringing them lunch, holding their hand, etc. To much expression of emotions makes me uncomfortable because I feel like I'm being pressured into saying what I can't adequately state. If you want to get some emotion out of her, things of sentimental value are probably a good way. Notice that giving her something of sentiment is an ACTION. Someone could tell them that they love/like me a thousand times, but showing me that they care is far more valuable. Words are cheap, and if you tell me something repeatedly (like "I like you so much") it makes me think that you are trying to convince yourself or something. I wouldn't know if this is the case with her or not, but when I am with new people that I like (as friends as well as romantic interests) I tend to get very quiet because I don't want them to not like me, honestly.

She also must have her own whole world inside of her, and it is a very personal, vulnerable place that we prudently choose not to share with just anyone. Be careful not to say anything that might be read as negative when she does share things with you, because INFJs are said to take things like that very personally (which I do).

Ok, I hope this helped and wasn't a bunch of nonsense to you, haha. xD

 

[heart]

Here's the problem: she seems to be completely unable to express her emotions verbally. I can count the times she has complimented me on one hand. We go to school together, but when school isn't in session we are long distance. Even when we've been separated for several weeks she can't say "I miss you."
...Is this typical INFJ behavior? On a little side note, ENFP/INFJ match, what does everybody think?

I am married to INFJ and I would say this is NOT typical INFJ behavior, but maybe it is something to do with her upbringing or something.

 

[Athenian200]

Be careful not to say anything that might be read as negative when she does share things with you, because INFJs are said to take things like that very personally (which I do).

Definitely. Even in conversations on here, I've been mistakenly seen as saying saying something negative when I wasn't. Generally it just pushes me to say less about what I'm thinking, because I'm concerned they don't like hearing it.

 

[wedekit]

Definitely. Even in conversations on here, I've been mistakenly seen as saying saying something negative when I wasn't. Generally it just pushes me to say less about what I'm thinking, because I'm concerned they don't like hearing it.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. Exactly.