• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ENFP] Any sound advice for an ENFP?

RobinsonCrusoe

New member
Joined
Nov 25, 2009
Messages
24
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
sorry if this sounds depressing but i could use some advice.

I'm a recent college grad and have been living at home for awhile now (it sux :( ) and have no clue what i'd like to do. i just know i'd like to earn enough to live on my own away from my parents.

but as an ENFP I suck at making good decisions for my future. I'm fully aware of that. I don't think it's just cuz I'm an ENFP, but probably because I haven't matured or developed my other functions and my iNtuition goes haywire all the time, imagining different, better possibilities out there.

My parents are really smart and have this plan worked out for me that'll have me in great financial shape down the road. However, the plan requires me to continue living at home for the next 5, maybe even 10 years! What kills me is that I live in the suburbs and my parents have me run lots of chores while I'm home, and it's been killing my relationships, sex life, leisure time, and, most importantly, the time all young men need on their own to make their own mistakes in life, deal with the consequences and mature from it.

i haven't left, yet, though, because of fear. they tell me that i wouldn't last a second out in the real world on my own, and that i'm being foolish and childish for wanting financial independence so quickly without being adequately "prepared." Me, I think that the best way for young guys to learn is to dive in unprepared and learn as you go along. I mean, it's how my dad and his father b4 him became such stellar men, one who lied about his age to enlist for WWII and the other who left home at 20 and built up his own business from nothing. i really admire this can-do quality and want to acquire it myself, but my parents say I'm being foolish and unreasonable.

i'm just not sure if I am the one being unreasonable here. My parents are absolutely right about a lot of things...like how I'll be much more financially secure if I get a job through one of their connections, although it's in an industry i don't like (investment banking), and continue to live at home. They see no problem with me working 80 hours/week and then coming straight home afterwards, repeating this process for several years until I've saved up enough.

Problem is, I just cannot accept this kind of lifestyle. I think the monotony would destroy any ENFP, even mature ones. But I have no reasonable alternatives to suggest, so I come off as being naive and impractical when I discuss this with my parents. All I know is that deep down, all of this feels wrong.

What should I do? I don't know what I'd like to do for a career, but should I just pick an industry I don't mind too much, and start looking for ways to get a job there? Like, perhaps, advertising or marketing? I mean, that's gotta be better than waiting around for life to make my decisions for me, right?

But more importantly, I'd like to know if you think I'm being immature, as my parents say, or if I'm actually being reasonable enough in not wanting to follow their plan?
 

Esoteric Wench

Professional Trickster
Joined
Dec 20, 2009
Messages
945
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w8
Holy mackerel! Run, RobinsonCrusoe. RUN!

You've gotta live you're own life. And if you're a college grad in his early 20s whose parents are wanting you to live at home for the next 5 or 10 years.....

Well, yes. I don't know the whole story. Yes, I'm sure your parents love you. But the great thing is that I don't have to know your whole story. Unless you are mentally ill, have severe emotional / physical disabilities, any healthy parent is going to want their college graduate, early 20s child to strike out on their own. They are going to want you to properly individuate yourself and live your own life. The 20s are such a great time. They are when most people find their spouses, have their first children, make their first beach heads in their careers. And living at home is NOT the way to do this... I don't care what part of the US you live in.

Also, you mentioned that you make terrible decisions? Who says? Your parents? Whatever mistakes you've made, I'm sure you're making the best decisions you can... and part of being a healthy adult is allowing yourself to make decisions... even wrong ones... and learning that you can and will recover from them.

So get the hell out of there and go find yourself. Naysayers be damned. If you don't, you will NEVER become the man you are supposed to be.

:hug:
 

Esoteric Wench

Professional Trickster
Joined
Dec 20, 2009
Messages
945
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w8
OK, I'm all fired up now. I just reread your original post.

It sounds like your parents are wanting you to not take risks they think are too dangerous.... like getting a job WITHOUT their connections. While I don't want to deny they believe they are doing the best job for you they can, I'd like to point out that not taking risks is a peculiar kind of hell in and of itself.

People who don't take risks. That only follow the path of least resistance. Who live so conservatively, that they never know failure... well such people live in narrow mental spaces. And I want none of it. NONE OF IT.

Let me suggest that you listen to JK Rowling's Harvard Commencement Address called "The Fringe Benefits of Failure." Perhaps it will inspire you and give you the courage to go out and make your own fortune. It is one of the most inspiring speeches I've ever heard. (And, no, I've never even read a Harry Potter book. And, it's still phenomenal.)

The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination | Harvard Magazine
 

ilovelurking

New member
Joined
Aug 10, 2009
Messages
156
MBTI Type
INFJ
I agree with EW.

Give yourself all the options in the world out there and only then you will truly know what you want, what your strengths are etc.

I may be an INFJ but I have lived in a home where my parents fear most of the decisions I was about to do for almost the rest of my life.

P/S: Great video, btw.
 

alcea rosea

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2007
Messages
3,658
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Hey Robinso!n It sounds to me like your parents don't want to let you go and that is why they want to keep you home and keep you under control. I think it's unreasonable that you would be living at their house for the next 10 years. I mean, is it worth sacrificing yourself for some other persons plans? Don't do the mistake that I did when young that I did things other people wanted me to do... That doens't lead to a happy life. Although it is easier to say than to do: choosing your own way in life.
 

Nonsensical

New member
Joined
Aug 2, 2008
Messages
4,006
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7
run away.

seriously. don't think it's going to be a walk in the park, either.

but still, take some control of the wheel, and if you really want that sense of individuality and freedom of your life, leave what you have behind and go far away where you can start new. It'd be opening sooo many different doors for you, you'd learn so much about life, survival, and what it means to be an individual instead of a product.
 

Rebe

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2009
Messages
1,431
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4sop
I agree with the above.

Nope, you must stand up on your own. Your low confidence in your own skills to survive stems from your inexperience of being on your own. One can't learn unless one actually makes their own mistakes and picks themselves up. You know it feels wrong and that it won't make you happy or satisfied. That's extremely, extremely reasonable. What you need is a plan. Is borrowing money from your parents out of the question?

Get a job, any job that you don't hate and move out. Work and support yourself for a little while as you figure out which career path you'd like to pursue. If you think you can do that at home, that's good too, just come up with a plan. Not just Plan A, have a Plan B, and C. If Career 1 doesn't work out, then move on to Career 2.

I am sure your parents wants the best for you, but what's best for you is your happiness. You have one life and these are your early years where you will sweat and make mistakes and stand up again. Take some risks, take some big steps. Trust yourself and have confidence that you will find a way to make it. :hug:
 

alcea rosea

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2007
Messages
3,658
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
alcea, what did you do back then that you regret now?

I did things the way other people expected me to do things. I lived my life the way other people expected me to live. I didn't follow my own path which means that I'll have to find my own path again now that I'm older.
 

ergophobe

Allergic to Mornings
Joined
Apr 26, 2009
Messages
1,210
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
What was your major in college?
What are some practical skills you have that you could use in a workplace?

Some things to think about:
Are you being offered a job in investment banking right now without more education or internships? Do you have other job prospects?
It's a tough market out there right now. Consider taking the job your parents find you if it pays well, save up enough in a year to move out and get your own place and use the year to figure out what you really want to do by taking some evening/weekend courses or spending time doing research on careers that would be a good fit for you.

When thinking about career choices --
1. Think about the environment and activities that would challenge intellectually/physically - depending on what you enjoy.
2. What are you good at - practical skills?

Taking a job your parents recommend does not equal living with them for 10 years or working in an industry you don't enjoy for 10 years. If your goal is to be independent, financial independence is an important part of it and this may simply be a road to financial independence. You could pick up a host of skills that you could use elsewhere.

You're here asking for advice - that was a good decision :newwink:. Seriously, trust yourself to make good decisions. They're not dependent on personality but rely more on researching your options, thinking through consequences of different options, and using good judgment in deciding what you are able to do/achieve. All that will get better and easier with experience.

Good luck!
 

CzeCze

RETIRED
Joined
Sep 11, 2007
Messages
8,975
MBTI Type
GONE
It's immature to think you know everything when you don't and to rebel against everything for the sake of rebelling. In other words "reacting" or doing things just to make a point.

However, realizing a situation is not good for you and wanting to do right by everyone involved is a sign of maturity.

I would save up some money and move out in a few months or find a friend to stay with. Don't let your parents give you doubts.

All young people starting out are vulnerable and prone to mistakes - such is life! And you only get better and smarter by trying and doing.

If you don't know exactly what you want to do with your life, focus on meaningful things pursuing hobbies, interests, volunteering, school. Backpack around the world. Do things that "kids" do to "find themselves" or just kill time in amusing ways.

Your parents and that safety net will always be there. It's always better for life to start now rather than later.
 

alcea rosea

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2007
Messages
3,658
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
I just wanted to add that with my posts I didn't mean that you should just leave immediately. I meant that find your way and figure out how to get there. Figure out how to get along financially, how to get along with your parents when having independent life, figure out what you want to do (a career), figure out our goals in life. And after figuring out all of that, make a plan and make things happen. Do things, mistakes will happen, make corrections and so on.

Your parents sound like good folks, but I read between the lines (maybe wrogly?) that they aren't just ready to let you go. But, life is so that children will grow up and want to be independent and to make their own life decisions and their own mistakes. But as long as it's your path, your way, not something other people expect you to do. Because following other people's needs doesn't (usually) lead to happiness. At least in my case. Maybe somebody else will be happy that way. (?)

And good luck to you fellow ENFP! :)
 

sculpting

New member
Joined
Jan 28, 2009
Messages
4,148
Some things to think about:
Are you being offered a job in investment banking right now without more education or internships? Do you have other job prospects?
It's a tough market out there right now. Consider taking the job your parents find you if it pays well, save up enough in a year to move out and get your own place and use the year to figure out what you really want to do by taking some evening/weekend courses or spending time doing research on careers that would be a good fit for you.

This.

Ne will drive you to explore and rebel just for the sake of rebellion. It's fun, but make sure you are financially independent first. By finding a career which makes you financially stable, you have the option of doing what you really enjoy later on. As you research that career try and take the skills you are learning and figure out how to use them in pursuit of something you really love long term.

If you choose to stay living with family-make them accept a rent payment every month. If possible, establish boundaries regarding what they can and cannot control in your life, so that when tricky situations arise, there are some rules established to clarify the situation. ie a girlfriend
 

RobinsonCrusoe

New member
Joined
Nov 25, 2009
Messages
24
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
Their biggest fear is that I'm going to end up poor, without even the proverbial pot to piss in. And although I don't know why I feel this way, I'm confident that I'll never truly starve. I feel that one way or another, I'll find a way to hack it if I just had the chance.

I'm always confused why a lot of adults put so much emphasis on money. They never explain WHY making a lot of money is so important, they're always telling me things like "screw your values and principles. suck up if you have to. but make that money." then they give me a knowing glance, as if they're imparting some super-secret parcel of knowledge and that I was lucky enough to have received it.

are these people really happier with lots of money? do their lives really get that much better? guy friends i know who are in i-banking and make over 100K in their late 20's live in really nice apartments, go to yankees games all the time, but they hate their girlfriends and have gained a lot of weight from drinking heavily every night.

is this what my parents are getting me ready for? a life of hanging out at bars to get away from a girlfriend who doesn't love me and buying expensive toys to fill the void in my soul?

my parents believe that my income is going to determine what kind of girls I'm going to marry. that girls will not even look at me if I'm not making the kind of money my friends are. they also believe that I won't truly be happy later in life unless I make this kind of money now. and they're always telling me that the time to live and have fun is in my 40's or 50's...and that my 20's should be used to work my tail off.

I feel that this is all wrong, but I honestly don't know what the truth of the situation is. Maybe girls really DO marry based on income. Maybe all that stuff about true love is bogus. I have no idea. I don't know what THEIR parents are telling their little girls about love and happiness. Right now, they could be telling their daughters about how true happiness means finding a man who can pay for anything they want, even if they don't love him as much. I know my mom talks to my sister ALL the time about doctors or lawyers who live in huge mansions and take their wives on expensive vacations all the time. I don't know if my friends who get paid 40K/year are indeed "unhappier" than my friends making 120K/year. perhaps they truly ARE miserable and wish that they could have sold out when they were younger instead of being "stupid" and pursuing their passions. I don't know any of these things and therefore I can't make an informed decision about my own life!

My parents have a wealth of experience behind each of their decisions, and all I have is an uncontrollable Intuitive function that goes bat-shit crazy all the time. I don't think they are lying to me, but then what's actually going on?
 

ergophobe

Allergic to Mornings
Joined
Apr 26, 2009
Messages
1,210
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
^I'm sorry RC. It makes sense why you're so conflicted. Is it more about getting away from this single narrative that you are being presented with from people around you that conflicts with your idealism?

This will sound cliched as most simple truths are :smile:
It's a big world out there. There's room for all of us - those who love large incomes and those of us who don't. Wouldn't it be great if we could all make a lot of money, at least enough that would take away worrying about it by doing things we love? Some people do. Some of us do what we love and it's decent money to live on and that's okay too. You'll find what's right for you.

You are, however, absolutely right to take time out to figure out what you want and what is right for you. Take everyone's advice but don't practise it all - evaluate the advice for yourself, pragmatically and don't lose your idealism. It's very valuable.

People are attracted to people who are confident and live lives they enjoy. That may or may not have to do with money. One thing at a time. Think about what interests you in terms of work. The rest will work itself out as you live your wonderful life.
 

Abstract Thinker

New member
Joined
Jun 3, 2010
Messages
323
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
I don't think it has to be "all or nothing" in this case. Have you considered a compromise? Like getting a decent job in the city where you currently live (but something that you enjoy), saving up for a few months, and then getting an affordable apartment near your folks, but not in their house?

That might satisfy your parents' desire to have you close by, and will give you some real world experience being on your own, but you'll still be close enough to the folks to go over to their place for dinner, or just drop by and have some nice face-to-face conversations. You will grow to love the time you spend with them even more if you have the option of leaving at the end of the night and going home, to your home. There is great value in having your own "place" and sustaining it over time. It allows you to define and discover yourself in ways you cannot understand yet.

Cliche alert... "Small boats should stay close to shore." It's cliche, but it is valid. Small steps, you know? And I think it's true... small boats should stay close to shore, but not docked at the pier, to carry on the metaphor.

A word about money: this might sound silly, but having money is more important than making money. What I mean by that is, you don't have to be "rich," but you do need to make more money than you spend each month, even if it's only a dollar more. I'm oversimplifying it, but it really does matter -- just don't go in the red each month. It is unsustainable, and it comes with its own special brand of anxiety.

I have yet to see a correlation between salary and happiness. It's not the salary that matters so much as it is the bottom line. Just stay in the black, and that buys you the time and the peace of mind to pursue happiness at your own pace.

Just think about the compromise. I agree with what others are saying -- you should definitely try to live on your own, but it's very important to have (and keep) a good adult relationship with your folks. You will understand that as you age -- I promise. Once they stop being responsible for all of your care and feeding, the relationship changes, usually for the better, and from both perspectives. And the compromise might help you make the move out of their house with their blessing (even if it is a cautious blessing), and that will make whatever happens next easier on all of you.

Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to be careful in what I said to you. These are big issues, and they matter.

BTW, you sound very mature for your age. I wouldn't worry about that at all. You're asking the right questions, and in the right place.

I think you're gonna be fine. :yes:

---

Edit: I just re-read your post and I wanted to add this: Women do NOT marry for money. They marry for confidence. It is true that money is often a part of that, but it's not even close to being the whole thing. They can smell lack of confidence a mile away, and it is very unattractive to them.

Ladies, please correct me if I'm wrong, but women are much more attracted to a man who lives on a tight budget, but who has the confidence and courage to sustain his own home, than they are to a man who has a big salary and a nice car, but who lives with his parents.
 

Abstract Thinker

New member
Joined
Jun 3, 2010
Messages
323
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
^ ADDENDUM

On the way home from work, it occurred to me that the advice I gave above about money was irresponsible, or at the very least... incomplete. So after giving it some more thought, here is my best and most sincere advice:

Start small, and get your own place somehow (you'll love it. it's different than it was in college).

STAY IN THE BLACK money-wise, stay out of debt, and have some fun each month, but within reason.

At the end of each month, put whatever you have left over in some kind of savings (IRA, 401k, etc.), and LEAVE IT THERE as long as you can. Just forget it's even there. You'll be glad you did. And you'll know when to consult a professional who can help you make the best investments for your future.

Then, as time passes, you will feel more and more like taking risks cuz you'll have some rainy day money, plus a lot of confidence in yourself. Then before you know it you will be "out on your own" and doing just fine.

I think moderation is the key here.
 
Last edited:

sculpting

New member
Joined
Jan 28, 2009
Messages
4,148
RC,

For an ENFP, It isnt so much about sacrificing your ideals for huge amounts of money in my mind. It is more about having some stable source of income and safety net so that you can accomplish those dreams and ideals to the fullest potential.

Maybe because I am a single mom of two kids, and had one while working my way through college, I always had to base my choices off of my responsibility to care for another. It sort of obligated me to push myself into a stable career.

Maybe if you really want something where you can be idealistic but be independent perhaps you could try teach for america or the peace core or some job that allows you to give back and still explore.
 

angelhair45

New member
Joined
Jun 15, 2010
Messages
307
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
I did things the way other people expected me to do things. I lived my life the way other people expected me to live. I didn't follow my own path which means that I'll have to find my own path again now that I'm older.

I did the same thing. I was a rebel, and fairly independent but still managed to conform to what others wanted from me and of me. I'm 30 and just starting to find my path and be who I am meant to be. I agree with everyone else. Get out now. Honestly, I'd rather be poor and living my life the way I wanted than be financially ahead but living at home with my parents and just being part of "their" life.
 

angelhair45

New member
Joined
Jun 15, 2010
Messages
307
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w6
I think it's ridiculous to think money is the key to everything. I've been married since I was 20. We make less money now than we ever have. It sucks, we've had to cut back, and live on a tighter budget than anyone I know, but I'm happier now than I've been in my adult life. Money doesn't have to run your life.
 
Top