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[MBTI General] Enhancing written communication

sculpting

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I wanted to seek advice regarding an issue I note with myself and with other ENFPs.

When we are logically approaching a topic we are using tert Te. It can be erratic. Verbally we can come across fairly smooth, authoritative, composed. At worst we can be a bit clipped-we have finished "thinking" before the other people so will tend to cut the other person off and move on. However we can very quickly observe the other persons discomfort and back peddle IRL-thus learning how not to do this by molding to the communicative needs of the person in front of us.

In written communication however, when using Te, we can come across as exceptionally harsh and clipped. Part of this is the energy pull it requires to be focused. I note this in myself, in two VPs I work with and in another enfp in a manufacturing position.

So my question-

Do you have suggestions?

Are there websites or books that may be of use to build a vocabulary of sorts to smooth written communications? Sort of an Fe toolkit we can learn to use in written communication to soften the tone?

Any other ideas or thoughts would be awesome!
 

William K

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I think Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people" is still very relevant after more than 70 years.
 

INTPness

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This is interesting because I have actually noticed ENFP's on this board (at times) seeming, as you say, a bit harsh and clipped (compared to what I'm used to IRL from this type), and I didn't understand why until you made this post.

The reason I found it strange is because I've always understood Fi as a function that has harsh things to say, but holds back because it doesn't want to hurt people or seem too harsh. I've also known ENFP's IRL who I know had very blunt thoughts about something, but I would see them holding back - and I attributed this to Fi.

The best advice I can give is I've always got Fe in the background saying, "Don't say anything to anyone unless you wouldn't mind hearing the same thing yourself."
 

Rebe

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The reason I found it strange is because I've always understood Fi as a function that has harsh things to say, but holds back because it doesn't want to hurt people or seem too harsh. I've also known ENFP's IRL who I know had very blunt thoughts about something, but I would see them holding back - and I attributed this to Fi.

I have always been able to communicate very bluntly in written communication. Verbally, I can never muster up enough anger because it's not all about me. Face-to-face, I sense too much weakness/vulnerability in the other person so I hold back. Also I don't like people to see me angry or losing control so I always put on a face of indifference and communicate verbally in a very detached and dismissive way. I dismiss instead of blow up. People should never ask me to write my response when I am mad. I go crazy harsh. Here, when I notice I sound too coarse, I add a :) . Ugh, but I hate to coddle people so sometimes I can be blunt IRL.

Perhaps imagine the person in front of you as you are writing? Think about if it'd be really what you'd say verbally.
 

ergophobe

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For important communication or just where a second pair of eyes would be useful, putting it aside and reading it again before sending it helps. I also try to avoid writing things that matter and may have consequences when I'm tired - all that you've mentioned is worse at the time.

At my end, I ask what the goal is for that piece of communication (in terms of what I want the receiver to do or feel) and whether the way I've thought of expressing myself or have expressed myself in writing is likely to achieve the goal. Using the efficiency drive in a way that works, I guess.
 

sculpting

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This is interesting because I have actually noticed ENFP's on this board (at times) seeming, as you say, a bit harsh and clipped (compared to what I'm used to IRL from this type), and I didn't understand why until you made this post.

The reason I found it strange is because I've always understood Fi as a function that has harsh things to say, but holds back because it doesn't want to hurt people or seem too harsh. I've also known ENFP's IRL who I know had very blunt thoughts about something, but I would see them holding back - and I attributed this to Fi.

The best advice I can give is I've always got Fe in the background saying, "Don't say anything to anyone unless you wouldn't mind hearing the same thing yourself."

Odd. My Fi is like a child. Fi is isnt at all harsh. I cant always give it words, but at most it might come across as slightly judgmental, and even then I feel guilty. My Fi mirrors what other people feel, thus it almost cant think cruel things about others-I can see how they would feel in turn to hear those cruel things.

In the work situation, I think we are quelling Fi to use Te more directly. This requires a lot of energy and can feel a little stressful. Thus we dip in and out of Te quickly to access the logical aspects of the function. As we do this though, it takes much more energy to spend even more time to soften the message via a focused rewording and feels very frustrating-given the list of other things that need to be done.

When we use Te productively we seem to be much more like really immature ESTJs than anything else.

Here you see lots of Te being used defensively to protect Fi. The harsh grating rebuttals and attacks are a result of Fi being hurt and thus Te being used poorly to lash out at another. I think Te is used to structure the response to the pain.

Very often though, while I may seem harsh externally, inside I will feel a deep sense of caring. Fi on the inside and Te on the outside.
 

Esoteric Wench

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Here you see lots of Te being used defensively to protect Fi. The harsh grating rebuttals and attacks are a result of Fi being hurt and thus Te being used poorly to lash out at another. I think Te is used to structure the response to the pain.

Very often though, while I may seem harsh externally, inside I will feel a deep sense of caring. Fi on the inside and Te on the outside.

Wow! This was really, really, really well said. And I think this does go on with me... but I've never thought about it before.

I think I come across as harsh sometimes in the posts I put on this forum. Not just the ones where I'm protecting my hurt Fi. I'm just trying to be logical and consice in my communications. After working in Marketing Communications for many, many years, I've found this works very well for me.

Nonetheless, I think some other people don't get it. Hmmm. More pondering...
 

PeaceBaby

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In written communication however, when using Te, we can come across as exceptionally harsh and clipped. Part of this is the energy pull it requires to be focused.

So my question-

Do you have suggestions?

Write out your central ideas as they come to your mind. For example in an e-mail, write the body of ideas you want to communicate first. "Te" them to your heart's content.

Then, frame these ideas top and bottom with the tone. "Fe" your e-mail, if you want to call it that. Make the Fe - Te - Fe sandwich.

Example:

I want you to implement Plan X. This is why it makes sense! (Te planning).

Fe - it top and bottom:

Dear Person,

It is my pleasure to consult with you on Plan X. Please find below (or attached) my plan to accomplish the goals laid out in our strategic planning session.

Te - blah blah blah

Thanks for your time to consider this proposal. If you have any questions or comments, I am excited to answer these and help advance our goals and accomplish Plan X.

I can be reached at your convenience blah blah blah and await your response.

Sincerely,
Me​

Fe - intro
Te - ideas and plan
Fe - conclusion

All you have to do is just pause and think for a second before you send those e-mails. To see Fe in action, emulate those e-mails you feel already have great polish to them in your environment.

Good luck Orobas! (my puppy ...)

Odd. My Fi is like a child.

Ahhhhhhhh NO!

Remember though, if you always treat it like a child it will never mature. ;)

In the work situation, I think we are quelling Fi to use Te more directly. This requires a lot of energy and can feel a little stressful.

I see this ... it can be fatiguing. That's why you need to partner them rather than suppress the Fi. Channel them together to help fuel your energy. I know, I have historically been a champion Fi squisher too. But I am getting better and better at letting my Fi partner equally ... letting it be "grown up". It helps me make better decisions. It doesn't feel like I am ignoring myself.

Thus we dip in and out of Te quickly to access the logical aspects of the function. As we do this though, it takes much more energy to spend even more time to soften the message via a focused rewording and feels very frustrating-given the list of other things that need to be done.

No, it needs a deep inhalation and then you can find the vocabulary to polish Te without feeling the need to gratingly switch gears. Give yourself space to do it with words ... to slow down your verbal communications. Saying things such as "That's an interesting concept ... I can see there could be benefits blah blah blah ..." This will help you both smooth the moment and pay better attention to the Fi messages you are receiving.

Hope that helps; I realize I could be a lot more specific because this only scratches the surface. :)
 

INTPness

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Odd. My Fi is like a child. Fi is isnt at all harsh. I cant always give it words, but at most it might come across as slightly judgmental, and even then I feel guilty. My Fi mirrors what other people feel, thus it almost cant think cruel things about others-I can see how they would feel in turn to hear those cruel things.

OK, maybe Fi isn't "harsh" - I know what you mean about Fi being "childish" - that's more how I've seen it in others. But, I've read posts from INFP's and ENFP's about them "going off on someone" in an Fi sense - much like Rebe described earlier in this thread. If it's anything like Ti, it happens when our backs are against the wall, when we are backed into a corner (figuratively) - when someone forces our hand, so to speak. Or when an efficient decision has to be made "right now" - then Ti will sort of extrovert itself out of necessity.

But, you know, as an INTP myself, I've seen both INFP's and ENFP's when they are being "blunt" - and they seem to think that they were super blunt and that the other person will be like :shock:. But, from the INTP perspective, INFP/ENFP bluntness is never as bad as you guys think it is. I've had them say to me, "I'm going to say something really honestly, please don't be hurt, OK?" And I put my seat belt on and get ready and it ends up being something really normal. Like, an ENFP told me once, "You only call me when it's convenient for you. That's selfish." Then later, when I'm quiet and not talking much, "did I hurt your feelings when I said that earlier?"

That's not even that harsh and it's one of the more harsh things I've ever heard an INFP/ENFP say. Usually they soften it in a big way or phrase it in a way where it's more of a suggestion than a statement. "I was thinking about what it might be like if we saw less of each other for a while" = "We should slow things down for a while". They always say it in the softest possible way.

To most T's, it's OK to just go ahead and say it. 90% of the time, it won't hurt our feelings at all. It will only make communication better - more clear, more efficient, more understandable.
 

sculpting

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ah, I see what you mean. There are a couple of harsh scenarios I see in myself and other enfps.

A) Yeah, I will try to be pretty straightforward about things if the actions of another are hurting me or others-but I tend to do it in the apologetic way you mention above. (Part of the reason the INTJ combo works is that they can take this direct feedback well)

B) The next step is when I am annoyed or irritated-then I can be a bit short, but I try really, really hard not to show this to people. Typically I know it isnt that person-but just cummulative stress-they just happen to be asking for things. My teenage son likely gets the worst of this. (He is an ENFP. We are like two irritable zombies who live in the same home. Both utterly oblivious and Ne spastic.) This is when I can be harsh in emails.

C) however if you really hurt us or back us against the wall and do not desist-you will start to see a true offensive response. It kinda goes like this:

1) We state our requests directly
2) We get more emo and babble, stating more requests, but losing emo detachment
3) We can emo spew at this point-a massive pain dump
4) We then start to become more externally aggressive. you are not listening.
5) We then violently lash out to push you away. We can be horrifically cruel and say very mean things.
6) After some time we feel horrible as we understand we overreacted

At the ENFP forum they have a couple of threads devoted to enfp anger that discuss this issue in more depth.
 
G

Glycerine

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Don't worry about particular MBTI functions. :) Good written communication doesn't necessary have much to do w/ the functions you use. IMO, all types can write effectively if they consider audience, purpose, tone: be it academic writing, letters, occasional forum posts, etc. If you have those aspects controlled, then you are good to go.
 

PeaceBaby

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^ indeed, it is studied, a learned skill, and perfected through practice.
 

uumlau

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Write out your central ideas as they come to your mind. For example in an e-mail, write the body of ideas you want to communicate first. "Te" them to your heart's content.

Then, frame these ideas top and bottom with the tone. "Fe" your e-mail, if you want to call it that. Make the Fe - Te - Fe sandwich.
Most excellently presented, PB!



I see this ... it can be fatiguing. That's why you need to partner them rather than suppress the Fi. Channel them together to help fuel your energy. I know, I have historically been a champion Fi squisher too. But I am getting better and better at letting my Fi partner equally ... letting it be "grown up".
What?! Doesn't this imply an acceptance of the "childish" analogy?! ;)


No, it needs a deep inhalation and then you can find the vocabulary to polish Te without feeling the need to gratingly switch gears. Give yourself space to do it with words ... to slow down your verbal communications.

This is key.

Your usual style, Oro, is: "idea idea idea idea idea idea idea!!!" You write your thoughts as you think them. There is nothing wrong with doing so and it helps organize thoughts much better. You're asking what the next step is to communicate better, and the next step is to take what you just wrote, and EDIT IT.

It isn't that hard. Before, you only had a bunch of ideas that you needed to write down before you forgot them all. Now they're all written down. You won't forget them. You can read them and reabsorb them.

What will happen when you read what you wrote is you'll notice a lack of Te-style organization. The ideas are coherent, and are mostly linked together, but it reads like extemporaneous speech. You'll have written something like

A1-B1-C1-D1 B2-D1-B4-D1-C4-D4-C2-D1-B2-D1 C3 D3-D2 A4-A3-A2

You'll have a bunch of ideas all jumbled up. I can immediately look at this and read "oh, A thru D, as applied with 1-4," and think, "Cool! I like that." But you'll notice, it's missing ideas, such as "B3", repeating ideas such as B2 and D1, and the order is all over the place. My Ni superpowers translate it readily. :devil:

What you do next is read through your ideas and see how they connect together. You already know the connections: you traversed them to find the ideas. You see the patterns and you know what it all says. But now it needs some organization, Te-style.

There are several ways to organize, depending on what you're trying to do. A couple of obvious ones are "A1-B1-C1-D1, A2-B2-C2-D2, ..." and "A1-A2-A3-A4, B1-B2-B3-B4". Another one is "Well, you understand ABCD, right? Well, I think this is linked to 1234, like so: A1-4, B1-4, C1-4, D1-4. This leads me to conclusion E." I.e., you read your ideas, and in the reading, you realize there's a more significant message you intend to say, so you summarize everything you've written, and highlight the new idea.

Now, having organized it, removed repetitions, added missing elements, and perhaps incorporating new ideas, you read what you wrote. You read it as if you were a moderator on a forum. Look for the personal attacks. Look for the statements that imply others are stupid or uncaring. It should mostly be a presentation of ideas, a discussion of how to implement a process, a list of related facts that make a compelling statement. It should not be a list of faults, grievances, or various expressions of emotion (those get carefully inserted, later, as needed). You'll probably find lots of extraneous stuff you said that has nothing to do with your main ideas. Either find its relevance and include it, or simply edit it out: tangents get in the way of effective communication.

Now that you have an effective presentation of ideas, then use the "Fe wrappers" PB mentioned. After removing the obviously emo things from your writing, many otherwise impersonal statements can be construed negatively, especially if it is, for example, factual statements of a group's performance that might be regarded as excessively critical. The Fe wrapper will usually say something like (in business speak, assuming business communications): "We are currently <here>. <Here> is a very strong position, but we can make it much better. Let me show you some facts ..." <insert your highly edited text> "... As you can see, we can end up with E, if we reorganize in this A-D 1-4 pattern. The benefits include <blahblahblah> ..."

If you're thinking in terms of forum posting, it might be more like this: "I like how you said '<quote>' and '<anotherquote>'. You make a lot of sense, here. But when I read '<quoteyoudidnotlike>', I found it rather jarring, and not in sync with these ideas." <insert your highly edited ideas> "So I think I can agree with you in a limited sense, but given the context, I think <myidea> makes more sense with what you're saying."

How to use Fi and Te together to do this:

You don't need to quell Fi as you mentioned. It's still relevant, it still motivates you to speak in the first place. In fact, it's what you'll really be using to "Fe-sandwich" your main message. Let your Fi-side express itself, and let your Te-side organize that expression so that the expression is relevant to the message. You appreciate others, naturally: express that appreciation when discussing a topic near and dear to them. You have an enthusiasm for your ideas: show that enthusiasm in context, and others will hear your ideas more clearly.

Perhaps you have an Fi->Te nuclear blast ready to unload. As PB said, take a breath, let your Fi process things for a bit, write down your ideas but don't click Send or Submit. As you get things written down, as your thoughts take concrete form, your Fi side will start understanding things from a broader perspective, incorporating your Te and Ne insights as you've written them down and analyzed and reorganized them. Instead of a blast, you can focus your Fi like a laser beam by using Te -- not to hurt, but to focus on real problems instead of destroying the good along with the bad. Fi knows what is right and wrong, Te prioritizes and implements it.

You might be curious, for comparison's sake, as to how this differs from what I do when I write posts and emails? Well, Ni, being introverted, does a bunch of what I mention above all in my head. Ni often already has that "E" message in place, figures out the organization of the thoughts, and all that's left is to fill in the blanks with appropriate words. I usually only move or delete a paragraph or three. However, I still spend a long time reading and rereading what I wrote, combing through for errors, inadvertent nonsense, gaffs, and so on. I typically spend 30-60 minutes writing a post. I don't just see a post, type-type-type a response in a minute or three, and hit submit. Instead, I read a post that invokes a response from me. I spend a lot of time before typing figuring out what it is I want to say, what I want to focus on. Then I start typing, at which point my ideas are mostly crystallized. After typing it out, I edit like crazy.

And the only reason this post is this long is that I'm explaining all of this in detail, with examples and thoughts to keep in mind, rather than focusing on the primary message of "write down your thoughts, organize them, reread and edit until you are satisfied with the message, and only THEN click send." It really is that simple. If you click Send within 15 minutes or so, you haven't edited enough.
 

PeaceBaby

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Most excellently presented, PB!

Thank you :blush: I submit that the same compliment applies here to you as well. :) You have expanded this extremely well.

What?! Doesn't this imply an acceptance of the "childish" analogy?! ;)

Stop teasing me now, because the error is treating Fi as a child. The initial assumption is the issue. I still don't always succeed here myself...

Any function that presides over the others and seeks to rule solo can become a most uncomfortable dictator.

If you click Send within 15 minutes or so, you haven't edited enough.

Agreed. E-mails aren't written, they are crafted. On an important e-mail for example, one where I need my message completely understood and where I want to ensure that the e-mail elicits the exact response I desire, one hour, even two, is not uncommon. Perhaps that seems like a long time to you... Trust me, it's well worth the investment. I'll even create an Executive Summary (a couple of sentences) to preface everything if the e-mail will take more than 5 minutes to read. I don't like wasting my time afterwards cleaning up misinterpretations and conjecture. And, the longer the e-mail, the chances increase dramatically that no one will even bother to read and understand.

Often I will wait a day, review and refine even that, condense and make more concise. There's always something that catches my eye.

And if you're annoyed when writing something, step away from the computer and don't click that send button for at least 2 or 3 hours! Put it in the drafts; don't even insert the addressee in the "To" field to guarantee you don't accidentally send it.

Re-read it, again, and again after lunch, even again the next day is best. Your language choices will often jump out at you then when the heat of the moment has passed. Your ideas will crystallize further and you'll eliminate charged phrasing, until there is no mistake at your meaning and in the logic of your plan.

:)

I typically spend 30-60 minutes writing a post. I don't just see a post, type-type-type a response in a minute or three, and hit submit.

Yes ... that.
 

Rainne

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I find reading more (ex: a novel before going to bed) expands your vocabulary, which in turn improves your writing as you can more accurately convey what you want to say.
 
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