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  1. #1
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Question Providing support and afterwards

    When I look back at my life, I realize I've had many occasions to provide support and counselling to plenty of suffering people, and sometimes getting sort of close to them because the things discussed were pretty intimate. I was even called "best friend" by a couple of them after some very deep conversations.

    But once the people got better, they moved on with their lives and sort of forgot me. Have you NFs experienced this as well? I remember one ENFJ referring to this in a post.
    How does it make you feel? Why does this happen? I can think of many explanations, but would like to hear your opinion first.

  2. #2
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
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    I can come up with an experience that is similar to what you've gone through, but not specific to it. I have lost touch with people I was close with in high school. Everyone's pretty much moved on with their lives. Despite the fact that I still kind of keep in touch with them via Facebook, it isn't like I feel like I'm a part of their inner circle. They spilled quite a bit to me though.

    This kind of thing makes me feel lonely.

    Hard to say a definite reason why these things happen. I suppose for some people the novelty wears off. Others, they get absorbed in their own lives that they've forgotten the person that brought them to the place they got to, that they need a wakeup call.

    One thing that could help is to get in touch with these people to rekindle the friendship.
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  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by KLessard View Post
    How does it make you feel? Why does this happen? I can think of many explanations, but would like to hear your opinion first.
    Well I'm not an NF but this has happened to me often. It really doesn't bother me because typically I'm just trying to help the person out... Occasionally when you reach out to some people they have nobody else that can be there for them at the time and I think they might get caught up in the emotion of actually having someone there for them - especially if it isn't something they are accustomed to. Then as time goes on and they find the strength to get back on track with their lives I think they start to grow away from you if perhaps the two of you didn't have anything in common other than the problems you were trying to help the person sort through in their lives.

    For the most part I expect this when I reach out to certain people.... I'm not the most social person... but the best example I can give is typically when we get incoming graduate students at my university there is always someone in the class that is really motivated to get a PhD but really isn't prepared for the work and the stress of graduate school... I tend to reach out to these people when they are struggling and help tutor them through their classes and get them comfortable in the lab... The first year they tend to spend a lot of time around me because they'll want to tag along with me when I run experiments or use new equipment etc... once they get comfortable with themselves they typically go their separate ways... not because they don't like me or I don't like them, but because there really wasn't any common ground between us accept they needed help with stuff and I was willing to help them when nobody else could be bothered...

    this is just my two cents.. hopefully it's helpful.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by KLessard View Post
    When I look back at my life, I realize I've had many occasions to provide support and counselling to plenty of suffering people, and sometimes getting sort of close to them because the things discussed were pretty intimate. I was even called "best friend" by a couple of them after some very deep conversations.

    But once the people got better, they moved on with their lives and sort of forgot me. Have you NFs experienced this as well? I remember one ENFJ referring to this in a post.
    How does it make you feel? Why does this happen? I can think of many explanations, but would like to hear your opinion first.
    If they have moved on surely that is something to celebrate! What is 'forgetting' in your book? How many thank yous or keeping in touch is necessary? Do you need to feel validated this way? Out of the many, perhaps only a few will stay close and not 'forget' you but that would be because the 'things discussed' were not, thankfully the ONLY things that you had in common. Also, sometimes, people spill their guts in some intense moment and then later regret all that they have said because it made them feel vulnerable. That's a reaction I have seen from people telling me much and then retreating later on, in embarrassment. (Shrug). Hey, it's like the fences or defenses were down and now there is a hasty scramble to pull them up again. (Shrug).

  5. #5
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    @KLessard,

    I remember your mentioning your faith. So, here's another take on your OP:

    Providing counselling/advice/being there for the suffering, the weak, the down-trodden,etc, is already PART and PARCEL of your role as a Christian! If the ones you've helped also shared the same faith as you, and then 'forgot' you, I can understand that you might feel a bit hurt, a bit used... But is that not also 'expected' of you? To be able to 'give sacrificially' and not ask for any reward in the here and now? If the ones you've helped do not share your faith/beliefs, the same attitude still holds, don't you think?

    Now, if you're feeling burned out, by all means, switch gears a bit and let yourself be on the receiving end for a change! The disciples are to 'wash **each other's** feet'. Perhaps you're trying to do it all?!

  6. #6
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Immaculate Cloud View Post
    @KLessard,

    I remember your mentioning your faith. So, here's another take on your OP:

    Providing counselling/advice/being there for the suffering, the weak, the down-trodden,etc, is already PART and PARCEL of your role as a Christian! If the ones you've helped also shared the same faith as you, and then 'forgot' you, I can understand that you might feel a bit hurt, a bit used... But is that not also 'expected' of you? To be able to 'give sacrificially' and not ask for any reward in the here and now? If the ones you've helped do not share your faith/beliefs, the same attitude still holds, don't you think?

    Now, if you're feeling burned out, by all means, switch gears a bit and let yourself be on the receiving end for a change! The disciples are to 'wash **each other's** feet'. Perhaps you're trying to do it all?!
    I agree with all this. And I had thought about the fact that after people feel better, they might feel a bit embarrassed about having told so much. One person I helped last Christmas said in one of his last messages: "Let me know if you are put off.." I wasn't, but he probably felt weird all of a sudden.
    I totally agree with the giving without receiving thing. But going as far as calling someone your best friend and forgetting a while after? That's inconsistent, like...
    I guess I think about this in the moments I feel lonely.

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    Aww, sorry to hear that.

  8. #8
    Butterfly Amargith's Avatar
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    I've gotten used to that. In fact, as much as they are intimate bonds, I know them in advance to be friendships that have an expiration date. And once they are able to move on without coming back to me, I'm proud of them, proud that they were able to get out of the jumble they were struggling with. I from my side, try to give them the tools they need and I happen to have to my disposal. Seeing them succeed makes the immature part of me gloat...and savor the bittersweet goodbye

    I will confess to sometimes feeling a tad lonely or used afterwards. I get over it quickly as I know that's just my own fears playing with me. And sometimes..sometimes, when I meet someone very special, I wish I could keep them. Wish I could keep that connection forever. And I hope that they are someone I get to keep, hope I get to hold on to, as the relationship with them morphs into a bond where I don't have to reign myself in anymore. I always do learn from these sort of relationships, and they enrich my pov, which is also a part of why I enjoy doing it. But with those rare few individuals, it's more than that. I get to be me...completely. It's a two way road. Few people are up for that though. And unfortunately, most of those relationships still come to an end at some point. I know it's mushy and cliche...but I'd kill to have a female bff. Still haven't found someone that I can build that kinda bond with though..
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  9. #9
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    I think its due to some reason:
    - The definition (faith,value,utility...) of "bestfriend" is not the same as your.
    - Our IJ make us not funy as EP, so yes we are good to give advice but we are pretty boring (hope its wrong )
    - I think its more harder to stay intimate to a friend than a comitent.

  10. #10
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    Have I experienced this? Yes- at the same time, I'm glad we drift apart. I'm happy to be able to support them in their time of confusion, depression or whatever, but I am actually proud they're off venturing their own path in life, as well as I'm doing the same.

    I'm also happy that their emotional baggage is no longer there, because sometimes, it can seriously hamper on my emotions.

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