[NF] The NF Females' List of Deal Breakers

[Esoteric Wench]

All NFs have a special kinship. We're all on the same wavelength, in terms of our cognitive preferences. I feel as if I'm among my own people when I tool around on the NF Idyllic forum.

So why get frustrated when a duck quacks? Instead, why not embrace and celebrate it. Those damn Ss have got us outnumbered anyway. We've gotta stick together.

NFs UNITE!!!!!! NFs UNITE!!!!!!

I know you say you love sensors, but your words don't add up. Do you think being an NF makes you superior in some way, because your type is "rarer"? What I'm trying to say is that a person is a person, and we all share the same functions in different amounts.

I absolutely do not feel superior to ANY other personality type. Nor do I think that Ns are generally superior to Ss. Ns are better than Ss in certain areas. Ss kick our N *sses in other areas. One way of seeing the world is not better than the other. Ss and Ns are just different.

And since we all have all the same functions (though in varying strengths), then I think real wisdom comes from using the mental function most appropriate to the needs of a given situation and NOT just what you're most comfortable with. Sometimes being an N totally sucks.

Alright. That's settled now. No elitism here...

If I say that sometimes I feel like I'm in the minority, it's not because I'm an elitist, it's because...

<Insert drum roll here.>

I'M IN THE MINORITY...

I've read differing statistics, but the one that sticks out is that NFs are @ 13% of the population. Whatever the exact number, they are not the norm. And sometimes I feel like I'm a freak living in a Sensor world.

So what if a little part of me feels like I'm part of a secret club of N-ness? And so what if I make a glib comment about how NFs need to unite against all those Sensors. That comment was intended to be satirical and witty.

What I said is NOT the same as me saying that I'm better than Ss. It's just recognizing that when Ns seek each other out, it can be very affirming and validating.

Do you know how many years I spent as a girl and later a young woman feeling soooo different from everyone around me? Only later did I come to understand this was my dominant Ne making me feel different. How wonderful for me to learn that there wasn't anything "wrong" with me, and even better, that there were literally millions of people in the world that struggled with the same issues.

So it is possible to affirm who I am, seek validation from others like me, and think no less of Sensors in the process.

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I don't know how we started going down this path, but I suggest that everyone posting to this thread right now stop and regroup. We are WAY WAY WAY off topic.

I would love to see some more lists from NF females. I have so enjoyed reading them.

 

[KDude]

I'm an ISFP male. Probably not that common either. And I doubt the majority of people even know ISFPs anyways, male or female. We're probably in the same boat. Or at the very least, don't think I don't understand some of your frustrations.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Will "dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive" do?

janga549, I love your profile picture.

And, I love those adjectives. Especially elegant. Nicely said.

 

[Thalassa]

All NFs have a special kinship. So why get frustrated when a duck quacks? Instead, why not embrace and celebrate it. Those damn Ss have got us outnumbered anyway. We've gotta stick together.

NFs UNITE!!!!!! NFs UNITE!!!!!!

Here's the thing....if you're totally wrong about prplchknz and I being SPs vs. NFs, this post here is just...too ridiculous for words.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

I think we long ago moved past whether or not you and prplchknz are NFs or SPs. You guys say you're NFs, then more power to you both. Like I said to you before, I would NEVER presume to tell someone their type.

I encourage you to not over extrapolate because I made one passing comment that I get both ENFP and ESFP vibes off of you.

This is a non-starter because I am fully willing to acknowledge that you and prplchknz are whatever type you both think you are.

So I'm going to drop this line of thought and get back to the topic of this thread which is:

This list is for all those people who think that NF women can't cut the wheat from the chaff because we're too nice. Well think again. NF women can and do have deal breakers.*

Please break your list into these three sections:

1. Must Haves
2. Rather Nots
3. Deal Breakers

*This thread is inspired by the NT Females' Deal Breakers thread on the NT Rationale forum.

 

[Vamp]

Do you know how many years I spent as a girl and later a young woman feeling soooo different from everyone around me? Only later did I come to understand this was my dominant Ne making me feel different. How wonderful for me to learn that there wasn't anything "wrong" with me, and even better, that there were literally millions of people in the world that struggled with the same issues.

So it is possible to affirm who I am, seek validation from others like me, and think no less of Sensors in the process.

This is me, exactly.

Anyway, I must have someone with a sense of humor and intelligence. Not book smarts; intelligence and makes use of it. Interesting conversation is a must have.
I have to find something about them interesting.
Money and/or ambition to get some and improve their station in life.

I'd rather not have a couch potato. I'd rather not have someone who can't physically keep up with me. I'd rather not deal with socio-political blindness.

Actually that's a deal breaker. Dishonesty is a deal break. I don't mind ulterior motives because i have them myself but communicate them. I run from liars.

I don't have a lot of these thought out.

My fantasy must have is an unrealistic imaginary sugar daddy.

 

[Thalassa]

My fantasy must have is an unrealistic imaginary sugar daddy.

Actually you could probably advertise in the adult personals and easily secure such a thing.

Just plan for him to be old.

 

[Vamp]

Actually you could probably advertise in the adult personals and easily secure such a thing.

Just plan for him to be old.

Oh.. ..I plan to. I don't mind a big age difference.
The only obstacle is getting dolled up.

 

[Thalassa]

Oh.. ..I plan to. I don't mind a big age difference.
The only obstacle is getting dolled up.

Hey seriously, if you don't mind the age difference, good luck to you.

 

[Vamp]

Hey seriously, if you don't mind the age difference, good luck to you.

Thanks.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

I want to know why so many women put porn on their list of rather nots or deal breakers.

Don't get me wrong, an unhealthy relationship with porn is... well it's just gross. I guess I never put it on my list because it's never really come up in a relationship before. Either the guy was discreet or he abstained from such dastardly activities.

Since men have a natural biological need to... well you know what I mean... seems like an occasional porn escapade is not uncalled for.

So where is the line? What is too much?

(Oh, and let's keep it clean. I don't want to get this thread moved to the Sexuality & Mature Topics forum. )

 

[Saslou]

So where is the line? What is too much?

(Oh, and let's keep it clean. I don't want to get this thread moved to the Sexuality & Mature Topics forum. )

It's too much when he/she chooses it over you.

I think it is healthy if being viewed together .. That's hot. Never had any objections over the other person looking at it, it's what they need .. But there is a line.

 

[kyuuei]

To respond quickly to the nit-picking comments... Nit-picky in and of itself being a very fluid, personally-defined word... I find that rarely when you compromise on the beginning of a relationship does it work out. Compromise has seemed to work best after the relationship is already established. Compromising before a relationship even starts is a fine line you're walking.. you could easily be lying to the person. "I'm okay with this... for now." If you're not okay with something, better to say it up front than later on when you've already soiled a chance to have that person in your life for who they are and appreciate them for who they are.

Being one that stays single when men don't fit my little list of things, I've been single most of my mature, dating life. But the two times I ever compromise and went against the general sense of "these are bad, warning flags guys" instincts and tried to compromise for the sakes of being open and giving things a chance, it's ended up hurting potentially good friendships. While i might have gotten along with those men just fine as a friend, we were not compatible. I can't help liking what I like.. and I don't want to be unhappy in exchange for taking people into consideration.

Understanding that this list is not a list of what constitutes a friendship for me, I think I'm entitled to be as nit-picky as I want.. There's not much point in a relationship if it isn't exactly what you want. You hurt yourself, and you hurt others by lying to yourself. It's good for no one. I have plenty of friends where they're amazing people. and I love them. But I'd rather jump off the nearest cliff than date them. They aren't right for me in that way.. but it doesn't make them bad people, or even wrong. They're fine as they are.

This list isn't a list of judgement. It's a list of what I need. What good is a relationship with someone if they cannot provide me what I need?

Well IMO they're a bit unrealistic and I find it to be a turnoff. Nobody has to agree with me, I didn't mean to offend anyone, it's just what I think about it. Now you can all calm down and go back to being self-absorbed.

It's sorta counter productive to say "You're insertinsulthere, no offense." No need for fakepologies.

You can't really fault people for the things you're readily willing do yourself.

I'm really a "vibe" person with a totally open mind, but if I was ever to make a list for potential women, I think it would look a lot like the lists you ladies are making. I couldn't help noticing that.

I really find myself to be vibe oriented as well. Sometimes my vibes are wrong, but I've also had the best relationships, both friendships and relationships, from vibe-based senses.

I want to know why so many women put porn on their list of rather nots or deal breakers.

You'll find porn not even remotely on my list.. It varies for me. I'm okay with it... but preferring it over relations irl might pose some problems. It has for me in the past, with myself being sexually starved because the SO was a bit addicted. Even with the past mishaps though, I still think it's a tool that can when used properly can aid a relationship's..er.. relations.

 

[Venom]

these lists are RIDICULOUS

I think my own list has exactly 5 things...sure, there are many things I might "think" I would prefer, but there are only 5 things that "must be".

I actually heard on the radio about this book some woman journalist wrote recently about the most common deal breakers/requirements for a second date. She found that men had about 3 on average (usually being: cute 'enough', kind, interesting to talk to). She found that the women had, on average, about 300 different deal breakers/requirements!!! hahaha.

 

[Phoenix_400]

these lists are RIDICULOUS

I think my own list has exactly 5 things...sure, there are many things I might "think" I would prefer, but there are only 5 things that "must be".

I actually heard on the radio about this book some woman journalist wrote recently about the most common deal breakers/requirements for a second date. She found that men had about 3 on average (usually being: cute 'enough', kind, interesting to talk to). She found that the women had, on average, about 300 different deal breakers/requirements!!! hahaha.

This is the journalist and her book that you are referring to:
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough - by Lori Gottlieb.
Amazon.com: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (9780525951513): Lori Gottlieb: Books

I actually have this book. The article that spawned it was posted in the relationship or mature section here and I ripped into the article for the very feminist and bitter tone it had to it. Picked up the book she wrote after that where she explored the topic more and was pleasantly surprised at the different (less bitter, more inquisitive) tone and way she openly analyzed viewpoints that were obviously very different from what she previously believed. I had read good reviews of it but was expecting more of the same as her article. My curiosity got the better of me and I had to read it though. I actually highly recommend that book to people now.

 

[FalseHeartDothKnow]

Would Prefer a Man to Be/Have:

Relaxed
Patient
Loving
Deep
Compatible Sense of Humour
Can 'Ne' with me.

I Would Have to Adjust to:

Loudness
Being Anal Retentive

Could not Be With:

Someone who was Naturally Argumentitive
Someone who was Vain/Conceited
Someone who had really bad Hygene

 

[skylights]

1. must-haves
- mutual affection
- empathy
- ambition
- global awareness
- education (yes, i'm elitist)
- sense of humor that complements mine
- mbti j, for my own sanity and our dignity as a couple we cannot both be p
- a job

2. rather-nots
- smoking
- very hairy
- introversion
- veganism

3. deal-breakers
- huge age diff
- bad hygiene
- scientology

i like the conceited ones, someone needs to simultaneously praise and knock them down

i think these lists are funny to generate and share. and honestly, there are so many people in the world, why would i settle for someone who wouldn't contribute something i really want out of a relationship? i believe in commitment and compromise within a relationship, but knowing my limits from the get-go drastically lowers the chances of negative relationships or nasty breakups, which is good for eryyybody

incidentally, porn is nowhere on my list. i even... dun dun dun... watch it sometimes myself

 

[Esoteric Wench]

- mbti j, for my own sanity and our dignity as a couple we cannot both be p

You said it sister! The "our dignity as a couple" thing made me crack up.

- scientology

If I too heartily agree with you on this one, my Fi tells me to be careful of being too judgmental. Then my Te kicks in and tells me that I shouldn't be afraid of declaring Scientology as nutso. This also made me laugh.

i like the conceited ones, someone needs to simultaneously praise and knock them down

I like this, too. I found this very interesting that you said this because I don't think I'd consciously articulated this to myself before. A little arrogance on occasion is endearing. But it's only as endearing if he displays an appropriate amount of humility when I unabashedly call him on his crap.

incidentally, porn is nowhere on my list. i even... dun dun dun... watch it sometimes myself

Good for you! You're braver and more forthright than I.

 

[Moiety]

I like this, too. I found this very interesting that you said this because I don't think I'd consciously articulated this to myself before. A little arrogance on occasion is endearing. But it's only as endearing if he displays an appropriate amount of humility when I unabashedly call him on his crap.

Ah yes, the ever volatile propriety that is cuteness. This reminded of the "why relationships don't work" thread. I think people don't stop to logically understand why they like somethings in someone. And don't stop to think if after years and years together they would still like that. And don't stop to think if it's something they would still respect in that person if they were not in love with them.

 

[runvardh]

Would Prefer a Man to Be/Have:

Relaxed
Patient
Loving
Deep
Compatible Sense of Humour
Can 'Ne' with me.

I Would Have to Adjust to:

Loudness
Being Anal Retentive

Could not Be With:

Someone who was Naturally Argumentitive
Someone who was Vain/Conceited
Someone who had really bad Hygene

This is probably the closest one I match up to so far.