[NF] The NF Females' List of Deal Breakers

[paradox fox]

I'm interested in the traits that actually stick around. Things like money, good looks, popularity, have never meant much to me. Short list for now, I'm not inspired enough to get detailed on ideal circumstances.

Must have:
BALANCE! Everything else falls into place.
Humble, patient
Shows a spiritual mind in his actions and life course
Best friends; able to share anything and everything without reserve
Treats everyone with dignity and respect
Honest, yet tactful; good communicator
Loves learning/trying new things; has a zest for life
Lurves me! Duh!

Likes:
Not afraid to be romantic or sensitive
Common interests that we enjoy doing together, different interests to keep things diverse
Some kind of talent (singing's a good one )

Rather not:
Sticking rigidly to schedules and
Yeah, I'll say it: Sports fanatic. It's cool if you like to actually play the sports and get me involved in playing outside, but sitting around glued to the TV or treating sports like a religion is not cool.

Deal's off:
Porn
Infidelity
No respect for anyone/anything
Treats me like a possession
Drugs/smoking/alcoholic
Controlling
Violent

 

[disregard]

You need only have "it" to snag me, but for me to stay interested, you've got to make me laugh, we've got to have fun, you've got to mellow me out, and you must generate income. No scrubs.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I am intrigued by these lists .. I suppose because i don't have one.

I bet you most of us did not have one either until this thread.

How much would you actually stick to a list of desires?

I know you're idealists but are you not being closed minded to an extent to other possibilities?

I don't evaluate people based on a list. I tend to have a feeling and then maybe analyze it later. The list is sort of based on a late night analysis of my experience & ideals.

What if a man who was not highly educated, on a low income, short and bold showed interest in you, would you dismiss him because he didn't fit your criteria even though he could of potentially treated you like a queen, been fiercely loyal and had a high EQ.

None of that falls onto my list under dealbreakers or must-haves, and I don't think any of it falls under my "rather-nots" except for bald (which simply means it's not ideal to me). Highly educated definitely does not equal very intelligent to me. Income means nothing. I can honestly say that height means nothing either (I've dated men shorter than me on more than one occasion).

OrangeAppled .. Loved the poem/song. That's what i would like from a man/relationship.

INFP Martin Gore knows about love

I have been married to an INTP for the better part of my adult life. But I'll see what I can do.
.......
That's all I can think of at the moment.

See, Cafe got a good guy .

This is pretty funny.

Why is that? I meant that I could overlook someone who formerly had a problem with alcohol but who no longer drank - an alcoholic with the problem under control. I can overlook someone's past basically, if they showed a legitimate, total turn-around.

I don't mean to speak for Saslou, but my take on it is its kind of ridiculous to cut somebody for reasons that appear mostly superficial.

Saslou's examples were more superficial and status related.
Your examples have more to do with severe character flaws.
These are two ENTIRELY different things.

See, I feel my lists of dealbreakers/must-haves were also more focused on character than measurable, material factors. I don't care about income, what car he has (or if he drives at all), if he went to college, how tall he is, what color his eyes are, etc. The rather-nots & would-likes are just icing on the cake, and I feel a lot of those are rather vague & give a lot of wiggle room.

 

[prplchknz]

I can't marry any of you, even if it was legal.

 

[William K]

Maybe it's a cultural difference between the West and the Orient, but "Cursing like a pirate" is not a dealbreaker?

 

[Thalassa]

Maybe it's a cultural difference between the West and the Orient, but "Cursing like a pirate" is not a dealbreaker?

nah

 

[Yloh]

1. Must Haves
Very intelligent
Strong moral integrity & standards
Spiritual
Physically attractive to me
Kind, compassionate, thoughtful, considerate, encouraging, supportive
Emotionally stable
Loyal
Responsible
Affectionate
Can lead/take initiative
Good communication skills
That undefinable chemistry/spark

1 1/2. Would likes
Compatible interests/tastes - art, music, food, travel, etc.
Compatible humor - witty &/or silly, but no comedian needed
Creative, special talent/expertise/passion for something
Intellectual, book smarts, analytical side
Altruistic
Warm & expressive
Spontaneous & adventurous - likes NEW things
Driven/motivated
Sexay
Good style/grooming
ENFJ

2. Rather Nots
Lots of tattoos
Atheist and/or disrespectful of my beliefs
Sports freak, or generally more physical than cerebral
Bald
Very fat or skinny
Ugly dress & grooming
Passive / clingy / whiny
Very reserved/cold
Loud
Health nut or very unhealthy habits

3. Deal Breakers
Opposites of my must-haves.
All the usual stuff: violent, drug use/abuse, dishonest, married, bad hygiene, lazy, etc...
Argumentative, condescending, rude
Alcoholism (that is not in check)
Porn fan
Smoking
Kids
Obese
Asexual
Obnoxious
Military / police / owns a gun
Domineering
Stupid relationship games, manipulative

Man, I could keep going....I swear I am more negotiable than this

Wow, I almost fit your list 100%.

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
[he'll] get my support
[He] will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
[He'll] hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact [he'll] often disagree
But at the end of it all
[he] will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of those things

But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
And in a place like this
I'll get away with it

Wow again, it is almost like you dove into my mind and wrote what my ideal woman would want in a man. If I knew you in person I would ask you out.

 

[Xellotath]

// Must Have:
1 ) Already gone through a formal existential crisis
2 ) Open-ness to experience
3 ) Imagination
4 ) A desire to be internally consistent (logically or emotionally)
5 ) .... Tolerance for Depeche Mode.
6 ) Directness

// Would be _Really_ lovely if he had:
1 ) A philosophically postmodern / deconstructive outlook
2 ) Decent health
3 ) An artistic outlet
4 ) An academic area of research

// Eww. Bye.
1 ) Obsession with mysticism. I want to talk about relationships, not about whether my female energy interfered with the 5th house in my astrology chart, as predicted by the tarot reading he made at midnight, after he invoked Lillith in a Wiccan ritual.
2 ) Nationalism, racism, homophobia, misoginy, sexism.
3 ) Losing sleep over unfalsifiable conspiracy theories. Unless you're a govenment security agent, I dont necessarily care that 9/11 was an inside job devised by the illuminati so they'll create a new world order and enslave the rest of us with the brainwashing power of Britney Spears. Really.
4 ) Loudness.
5 ) Clowns. Both professional and metaphorical. I would be worried if he was the funniest guy in the room.
6 ) Animal cruelty.
7 ) Problem with vegetarians / vegans. (That part of my lifestyle is symbolic, I can co-exist just fine with carnivores)

 

[Salomé]

Blimey, NFs are picky!
Why are you always falling for such losers then?

 

[slowriot]

// Must Have:
1 ) Already gone through a formal existential crisis
2 ) Open-ness to experience
3 ) Imagination
4 ) A desire to be internally consistent (logically or emotionally)
5 ) .... Tolerance for Depeche Mode.
6 ) Directness

// Would be _Really_ lovely if he had:
1 ) A philosophically postmodern / deconstructive outlook
2 ) Decent health
3 ) An artistic outlet
4 ) An academic area of research

// Eww. Bye.
1 ) Obsession with mysticism. I want to talk about relationships, not about whether my female energy interfered with the 5th house in my astrology chart, as predicted by the tarot reading he made at midnight, after he invoked Lillith in a Wiccan ritual.
2 ) Nationalism, racism, homophobia, misoginy, sexism.
3 ) Losing sleep over unfalsifiable conspiracy theories. Unless you're a govenment security agent, I dont necessarily care that 9/11 was an inside job devised by the illuminati so they'll create a new world order and enslave the rest of us with the brainwashing power of Britney Spears. Really.
4 ) Loudness.
5 ) Clowns. Both professional and metaphorical. I would be worried if he was the funniest guy in the room.
6 ) Animal cruelty.
7 ) Problem with vegetarians / vegans. (That part of my lifestyle is symbolic, I can co-exist just fine with carnivores)

I really like this list, something I would contribute more to the NF temperament. Or more what I would have expected from more NF's. But then again not all NFs on the forum has/will post-ed on this thread so theres still hope that Ive not been delusional atleast. There is hope for a normal, sort of intelligent, head in the clouds, sort of average dressed and normal looking "bearish physique" guy. It gives me hope

 

[INTP]

Blimey, NFs are picky!
Why are you always falling for such losers then?

Because of too much optimism/idealism.

Nice to see that i would easily pass about all criteria of every enfp

 

[slowriot]

Blimey, NFs are picky!
Why are you always falling for such losers then?

Because they are too busy idealising the men because of their own insecurities. There, I said it...

 

[Esoteric Wench]

// Must Have:
1 ) Already gone through a formal existential crisis

// Would be _Really_ lovely if he had:
1 ) A philosophically postmodern / deconstructive outlook
3 ) An artistic outlet
4 ) An academic area of research

// Eww. Bye.
1 ) Obsession with mysticism. I want to talk about relationships, not about whether my female energy interfered with the 5th house in my astrology chart, as predicted by the tarot reading he made at midnight, after he invoked Lillith in a Wiccan ritual.
2 ) Nationalism, racism, homophobia, misoginy, sexism.
3 ) Losing sleep over unfalsifiable conspiracy theories. Unless you're a govenment security agent, I dont necessarily care that 9/11 was an inside job devised by the illuminati so they'll create a new world order and enslave the rest of us with the brainwashing power of Britney Spears. Really.
7 ) Problem with vegetarians / vegans. (That part of my lifestyle is symbolic, I can co-exist just fine with carnivores)

Xellotath, this list was both thoughtful... and funny. My favorite ones are highlighted in red.

 

[demimondaine]

// Must Have:
1 ) Already gone through a formal existential crisis
2 ) Open-ness to experience
3 ) Imagination
4 ) A desire to be internally consistent (logically or emotionally)
5 ) .... Tolerance for Depeche Mode.
6 ) Directness

// Would be _Really_ lovely if he had:
1 ) A philosophically postmodern / deconstructive outlook
2 ) Decent health
3 ) An artistic outlet
4 ) An academic area of research

// Eww. Bye.
1 ) Obsession with mysticism. I want to talk about relationships, not about whether my female energy interfered with the 5th house in my astrology chart, as predicted by the tarot reading he made at midnight, after he invoked Lillith in a Wiccan ritual.
2 ) Nationalism, racism, homophobia, misoginy, sexism.
3 ) Losing sleep over unfalsifiable conspiracy theories. Unless you're a govenment security agent, I dont necessarily care that 9/11 was an inside job devised by the illuminati so they'll create a new world order and enslave the rest of us with the brainwashing power of Britney Spears. Really.
4 ) Loudness.
5 ) Clowns. Both professional and metaphorical. I would be worried if he was the funniest guy in the room.
6 ) Animal cruelty.
7 ) Problem with vegetarians / vegans. (That part of my lifestyle is symbolic, I can co-exist just fine with carnivores)

haha, obsession with mysticism is a definite "no"!

 

[PeaceBaby]

You have no idea, but this is the wisest list in the whole thread:

I'll just list must-haves:
1. Fundamentally kind
2. Sexually attractive to me and vice versa
3. Intelligent with some compatible interests
4. Sense of humor
5. Stable, i.e. not violent, drug-addicted, etc.

 

[Totenkindly]

I think I'll go back and delete my list in the NT thread, which was only descriptive anyway.

I'd just rather meet the guy and go from there, seeing all this junk makes me realize this is far too much work and rigidity for me.

It either clicks or it doesn't.

 

[gromit]

I'd just rather meet the guy and go from there, seeing all this junk makes me realize this is far too much work and rigidity for me.

It either clicks or it doesn't.

Yeah I kind of have to agree with you. I can think of things that I tend to find unattractive, but I can't say it would necessarily be a dealbreaker. It either clicks or it doesn't.

 

[Moiety]

Do you even know what clicking means at a neurological level? Your brain is making these lists whether you know it or not, consciously or subconsciously you do have well defined criteria.

I don't judge people based on lists, but I do have my standards, and there is nothing wrong with that.



I mean, these threads were for shits and giggles anyway right? That's the whole point.

 

[Chloe]

Must haves

very intelligent
empathic
adventurous
knows himself well / mature
good looking to me
good in bed
loves music
passionate


(i think i'm actually describing ENFP male... )



Rather nots

religious
very into sports
very short
ugly

Deal breakers

very religious / fanatic
never reads
unintelligent


i'll edit when i think of more...

 

[gromit]

Do you even know what clicking means at a neurological level? Your brain is making these lists whether you know it or not, consciously or subconsciously you do have well defined criteria.

I don't judge people based on lists, but I do have my standards, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Yeah it's true. I have no idea how to articulate what clicking is for me. Like you say, I have subconscious criteria, or at least find particular traits/behaviors to be attractive or unattractive. I have tried to articulate to myself in the past, and I just don't like how awkward the list becomes while still being tremendously imprecise.