[MBTI General] Emotional Sensitivity :(

[SillySapienne]

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Hi, fellow NFs, or more generally, fellow Fs, how do you deal with this?

Earlier today I was thinking about starting a thread entitled, "Being Emotionally Infected Sucks!"

But then, I decided to broaden the topic to just plain ol' emotional sensitivity.

What a blessing, what a curse...

I am so easily affected by others' emotional states, it's bothersome and frustrating at times.

Are you?

And, depending on the the amplitude/depth of the emotional state/energy emulated/expelled, or on the relationship I have with the person, the effects can be lasting and severe. :sad:

It's like I can never be alone, or rather, feel alone.

All of these people in my life, passer byers, family members, significant others, friends, etc. When I come into contact with them, I receive their energy, be it positive or negative, I can't close this channel, I just receive it.

And, it is the negative energy that seems to linger the most, and it's not *mine* it's theirs but I feel it, and it weighs on me.

I dunno, call it the burden of unchecked empathy, or the burden of caring.

How do you create emotional distance while still caring about someone you love when they happen to be in a negative place?

I can do this, sometimes, but it is a difficult task, indeed.

And, when I am fragile, and sensitive myself, I find that I am even MORE susceptible to others' feelings.

I just want everyone to be okay, I want everyone to be happy, content.

But this is an unrealistic desire, and it is selfish, because when others are happy, they are easier or more pleasant to deal with. :/

And, I know that I am guilty of emotionally infecting others, :sad: never by choice, though, since age twelve, I've opted for quarantining myself off from others whenever I happen to be in a bad place.

But, I can't really do that so much anymore, my current job, relationship status, and familial one are such that I am immersed amongst people constantly.

Right now, I am alone, which is nice.

And, when I am with my mother and she is happy, I fill up with immense joy.

And, when I am physically with my boyfriend, thank god, something about our energies complement each other, and I, for the most part, feel happy, at peace, free, full of love and warmth.

As a caregiver though, with an 85 year old patient with not only Dementia but a pretty bad case of depression, too, and I happen to live with her for four days a week, fuckaduckasaurus, this can be so very tough.

At this point in our relationship, I not only love her, but I care deeply for her, and her perpetual down-in-the-dumps mood brings me dooooooowwwnnnn!!!

But, even with her, when I make her happy, when I hear her laugh, this brings me so much joy!!!

But with her progressive disease, this happens less and less.

But I digress...

All of these people in my monkey-sphere, a swirling nebulous of existence and emotion, and I feel it all.

Sometimes being a feeler sucks.

Thoughts?

 

[Scott N Denver]

One thought is to think of emotional capitol as like money or any other finite resource, you only have so much of it so if some of it gets "spent" [presumably against your will, but not necessarily so] then its not available to be spent elsewhere. Fort example, for me, I'm very strict that many of my coworkers are not allowed *any* of my emotional capitol. Of course, they are INTJ's so its not like they give me any of their emotional capitol anyways, so I don't feel so bad about that.

It's funny, I deal with situations that drive other INTJ's nuts trying to deal with stuff, and something I';ve told people and they pointed out they heard form amny others is "Its funny, I tried caring, cuz thats just how I am, and I *always* ended up getting hurt because of it. So then I worked on not caring, and that made things hurt much less. Realistically, many of these situational details are beyond my control anyways, so there is no point in identifying with them, but man, yeah no longer caring has really made a *world* of difference for me."

As NFP we tend to have good intentions and don't understand why the rest of the world doesn't, or can't, follow suit. BUt the simple reality is that regardless of whatever we may do, and regardless of whatever we may idealistically desire, much of the world doesn't operate from the perspective that we do, and for me it keeps coming back to this "emotional capitol" metaphour.

Fwiw, some people talk about having their moods changed when in large public gatherings and such. Usually, for me, that doesn't affect me too much [usually cuz most people are just ignoring most other people, so there isn't as much interaction in that sense], its work places that REALLY affect me. NTJ-land is NOT a good places for NFP's to be.

I hope that helps some.

 

[SillySapienne]

Also, when I can't make people feel better, I feel awful.

Or, in the instances when I've ever made people feel worse, :sad:^infinity, I feel like a complete and utter, worthless shithead.

I know it is not my job or responsibility to make others feel happy, but I can't help it, I always feel like I am letting people I love down when I can't bring them up.

My mother's influence is integral to this, both genetically, and environmentally speaking.

I've always been her beacon of hope, I've always been the one to cheer her up when she'd lock herself in her closet to cry when I was a child. :sad:

I just feel guilty.

Like I am doing something wrong when the people I love are not happy/doing well.

Grrrrrr + sigh, I dunno...

 

[SillySapienne]

One thought is to think of emotional capitol as like money or any other finite resource, you only have so much of it so if some of it gets "spent" [presumably against your will, but not necessarily so] then its not available to be spent elsewhere. Fort example, for me, I'm very strict that many of my coworkers are not allowed *any* of my emotional capitol. Of course, they are INTJ's so its not like they give me any of their emotional capitol anyways, so I don't feel so bad about that.

It's funny, I deal with situations that drive other INTJ's nuts trying to deal with stuff, and something I';ve told people and they pointed out they heard form amny others is "Its funny, I tried caring, cuz thats just how I am, and I *always* ended up getting hurt because of it. So then I worked on not caring, and that made things hurt much less. Realistically, many of these situational details are beyond my control anyways, so there is no point in identifying with them, but man, yeah no longer caring has really made a *world* of difference for me."

As NFP we tend to have good intentions and don't understand why the rest of the world doesn't, or can't, follow suit. BUt the simple reality is that regardless of whatever we may do, and regardless of whatever we may idealistically desire, much of the world doesn't operate from the perspective that we do, and for me it keeps coming back to this "emotional capitol" metaphour.

Fwiw, some people talk about having their moods changed when in large public gatherings and such. Usually, for me, that doesn't affect me too much [usually cuz most people are just ignoring most other people, so there isn't as much interaction in that sense], its work places that REALLY affect me. NTJ-land is NOT a good places for NFP's to be.

I hope that helps some.

"emotional capitol"

I like it.



On a theoretical level, I guess.

I just don't know if I can actually apply it. :/

 

[Scott N Denver]

"emotional capitol"

I like it.



On a theoretical level, I guess.

I just don't know if I can actually apply it. :/

If your situation is anything like mine you will be forced to, if for no other reason than you get sick of feeling beaten-down over and over by the exact same thing. That can be quite the motivator.

On a more positive note, when dealing with specific individuals one on one who are being kinda moody, I can usually keep a very clear distinction between how they feel and how I feel, and not let there feelings "creep into" mine. Strong self-boundary and strong emotional awareness coupled with strong emotional boundary clearly help there. However, I think that when you deal with the same specific person over and over, thats when things get tougher.

Another thing for me, I have this sometimes very unhelpful sense of duty, and that can get me "deepen the hole" sometimes with these kind of problems. When I notice that is what is going on, 1) I remind myself that the world is a very big place and its not up to me [or any one specific individual] to fix it all, or more than a single person can fix for that matter. No matter how much you do, there is always tons more out there. 2) Sometimes you just can't "win" in those kind of situations, so you try to stopgap the impact, and then go home or wherever, get your mind off of it, and do whatever activities "recharge your batteries" so to speak. Physical exercise and social interaction can both work wonders. I wouldn't knock on video games for that either, but to each there own.

 

[SillySapienne]

If your situation is anything like mine you will be forced to, if for no other reason than you get sick of feeling beaten-down over and over by the exact same thing. That can be quite the motivator.

On a more positive note, when dealing with specific individuals one on one who are being kinda moody, I can usually keep a very clear distinction between how they feel and how I feel, and not let there feelings "creep into" mine. Strong self-boundary and strong emotional awareness coupled with strong emotional boundary clearly help there. However, I think that when you deal with the same specific person over and over, thats when things get tougher.

Another thing for me, I have this sometimes very unhelpful sense of duty, and that can get me "deepen the hole" sometimes with these kind of problems. When I notice that is what is going on, 1) I remind myself that the world is a very big place and its not up to me [or any one specific individual] to fix it all, or more than a single person can fix for that matter. No matter how much you do, there is always tons more out there. 2) Sometimes you just can't "win" in those kind of situations, so you try to stopgap the impact, and then go home or wherever, get your mind off of it, and do whatever activities "recharge your batteries" so to speak. Physical exercise and social interaction can both work wonders. I wouldn't knock on video games for that either, but to each there own.

Excellent post, and I will need to revisit it in the morning for I am getting tired, but I am totally picking up what you're putting down.

One caveat, though.

It's been a theme in my life...

Coupling.

I tend to pair with one individual, be it my friend, my mother, my patient, my boyfriend, and build a deep bond with that person.

In intimate crowds of six or less, I do fine, and am quite good at facilitating a positive vibe for us to share, this is a gift that I am glad to have.

In larger crowds, things get more complicated, I can expound on this tomorrow.

But, yeah, I don't know if I necessarily like this theme of having one person as a companion, wait, I think I do, because I can evenly distribute the energy this way, often giving my positive/receptive energy to my companion.

But, I've been a victim of emotional vampire-ism from this, too.

Like my life force will be literally sucked out of me.

Boundaries, so important.

I need to learn to modulate the levels in which I let people in, if that makes sense.

Much to ruminate over while I sleep, thank you, Scott.

 

[sculpting]

yeah, much of this rings true-

I feel others emotions to the point I become very stressed if others around me are stressed or unhappy. I very strongly feel their pain as my pain. It weighs upon me. To make a choice that is logical but adds to the burdens others must carry is very difficult.

To cause another person pain is horrific. I will feel that pain myself and be trapped in a very bad place in which I cannot self forgive. It is nightmarish.

To block this mirrored empathic pain I can become harsh and logical and not allow myself to emotionally connect with others. This is not ideal, but it is protective.

Otherwise I wall out everyone. I do this so naturally though that in many ways I envy your ability to emotionally connect with others so easily.

 

[gromit]

But, I've been a victim of emotional vampire-ism from this, too.

Like my life force will be literally sucked out of me.

Boundaries, so important.

I need to learn to modulate the levels in which I let people in, if that makes sense.

Oh gosh I relate to that a LOT. Earlier this year I really realized that I had to distinguish between "me" and "not me" to myself. I had to draw boundaries or I would be consumed. I don't know the solution. My solution recently has been to cut everyone off from my innermost self. I let them see happy and bubbly, but not sad or concerned, and certainly not crying.

I try to still let myself be emotionally engaged with people, but... I don't know. It's difficult to know how/where to draw the boundaries.

Sometimes I just have to say to myself So-and-so is feeling X. It makes me feel Y. It is okay to feel this way, but it is So-and-so's problem. I cannot solve the problem for him/her, it must be So-and-so who does that. It will be okay. This is all I can do. THat sort of thing. Justifying to myself not letting myself be consumed by it. Does that make sense?

So I don't really know how to find a good balance.

It's been a theme in my life...

Coupling.

I tend to pair with one individual, be it my friend, my mother, my patient, my boyfriend, and build a deep bond with that person.

I can also relate to this part actually too, now that you mention it. Coupling. Interesting. Someone who can talk with me and give me perspective and to whom I can trust my innermost self to (and maybe who trusts me to see theirs). That role has been filled by a lot of different people, like you say, not just SOs. My most recent person (just a friend) was until that point earlier this year when I realized that particular coupling was REEEEALLY unhealthy for both of us… I have felt like I am floating since then. But I don’t know what to do.

I have never had a positive romantic coupling, come to think of it…

 

[CuriousFeeling]

I'm emotionally sensitive, but I take the emotions I feel and rationalize them, understand them, confront them. Sometimes I have a hard time dealing with people who are getting very emotional about something because it tends to tax my reserves a bit. I just want the person to go figure out how to solve the problem on their own and leave me be, lol.


It gets a bit overwhelming at times, but it's something I've learned to cope with. I was hypersensitive as a kid, but I've learned how to deal with things.

 

[Glycerine]

I try to engage in analysis a lot and bury my emotional sensitivity way deep inside of me. it's probably not the best thing to do for the general emotional health though, haha

I was and still am insanely emotionally sensitive (regardless of Fe or Fi). One thing that's really worked for me is to just to completely space out when others are emotionally breaking down around you and detach. But then again, I probably learned this to keep my sanity around people with really short fuses.

 

[Rebe]

I used to be extremely sensitive to my own emotions and others' as well. I am very aware of the energy in group dynamics and one on one. For example, I just started working and on the third day, my boss seemed a bit more stressed than usual and I thought it was my fault. I started being worried that I did something wrong, until I realized what I was doing and told myself to stop, immediately. No use spending time thinking about a remote, vague possibility when I could focus on the here and now, on what I am doing and what I have to do and when a problem comes, I will deal with it (with time) but I can't solve a problem that is not actually a problem yet. I focus very much on what I can actually do.

I have learned to have very 'localized compassion', very specific ones and with support from Te. If I can't do anything about it, I tell myself that it makes no sense (absolutely none) to feel terrible, to make myself feel terrible because no one else is responsible for my emotional state more than I. So I ask myself, why would I willingly make myself feel terrible? Over something I can't change no matter what I do? This isn't a complete thought. If I let myself feel bad over every natural disaster that happens, bad as in I spend hours crying for the missing and the dead, then I wouldn't be able to do anything else.

Did I feel bad about Haiti? Yes. Bad enough to cry for more than two minutes? No. Could I do something about it now aside from giving money? Realistically, no. Does it make sense to keep feeling bad and be less productive/functional? No. Does it somehow inspire me to keep going on my human rights major/infrastructure/development/politics track? Yes.

If I am with a friend. If she feels bad, I try to give good advice, give compliments, say what I think. Sometimes my goal is to make her feel better with 'sweet' things, sometimes I get her to laugh, and sometimes I am blunt and lay out her options. I actually feel bad about myself sometimes more than the person having the problem because somehow, this is really messed up, I place myself in their shoes and feel that their situation is a possibility for me and they are handling it badly so I will handle it badly and that her X equals my X and her Y my Y and ... *explodes* Not so much that I feel bad for her.

If it's a minor negative emotional vibe and not an outright conversation about my friend's situation, I will ask if she is okay, but I wouldn't necessarily feel so bad myself. I may feel that the connection is weaker on that particular day so I leave her be and do my own thing. And when she is ready to talk, I am there for her. Maybe this is a difference between INFPs and ENFPs? The introversion may make it easier for us to keep boundaries while ENFPs strive on others' so it is natural that they'd be unable to separate from the negatives when they enjoy the positive emotional sharing so much.

I totally agree with Scott's two posts.

 

[Flutterby]

Hey. If you're caring for an older lady you could try singing for her. Even if you have a crap voice she might appreciate it. (I'm sure you probably sound lovely though.) You'd be really surprised how much this can lift a mood if you get a good song, and sometimes upbeat music can help also but that can be tricky with people's different preferences sometimes though.

Taking on other people's emotions is also a problem for me, even though I've done a lot of work lately on recognising the limits of my responsibility and understanding that when other people flip out on me it actually says more about them than it does about me. My solution is to work towards an income that doesn't involve spending time with other people though, so that's probably not much help if you want to keep being a carer. I guess in the end it's not enough to intellectually understand something, if you're affected by it you're affected by it.

 

[SillySapienne]

^ I actually do sing to her, some doo-wop songs, country songs, and just pretty and uplifting ones, I sing 'em along in the car while we're driving, come to think of it, this does elevate her mood.



She'll start tapping her fingers to the beat on her cane...

Gah, I almost started crying, right then, thinking about this.

When she's happy and *present*, or happy and in the clouds, it's so charming and heart-warming.

Tonight at dinner, she told me that I was so good to her, and that I gave her life meaning.... (While looking at me straight in the eyes.) fuck, now, I'm tearing up...

She's really attached to me.

Mixed feelings, mixed feelings.

I could be a better caregiver.

We hold hands now, when we walk, I don't know, this soothes me, and makes me smile.

It's been a long week.

And, thank you all for your replies.

I haven't read all of them thoroughly yet, I get off of work tomorrow evening.

So yeah,

Keep 'em coming.

It feels good to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this problem.

*hugs everyone*

 

[stringstheory]

I actually feel bad about myself sometimes more than the person having the problem because somehow, this is really messed up, I place myself in their shoes and feel that their situation is a possibility for me and they are handling it badly so I will handle it badly and that her X equals my X and her Y my Y and ... *explodes* Not so much that I feel bad for her.

This is exactly what I do too; sometimes it goes a little too far, though, and I end up excusing someone from wronging me because it's really natural for me to just empathize with a person having a problem and how i perceive it as affecting their actions towards me.

Sometimes it's almost sort of paralyzing, especially when I am being treated unfairly and it's far too negativity to have in my life. I had an old roommate who was just.....her perception of reality was mind baffling. I think she may have had a borderline personality, though i don't know for sure, but she had some pretty traumatizing things happen to her before she was adopted at a pretty young age.

My constant empathizing with the things that were happening in her life made it really difficult for me when i found it necessary to remove her from my life. She betrayed me in a big way, and her constant negativity towards me when it came time to deal with important roommate relations was bringing me down a lot more than necessary.

It's kind of funny because in situations over which I have no control, I want to badly to be able to take some kind of action to DO something and fix it. Like Haiti, or third world poverty, or whatever. And yet...when i'm in a situation where i actually CAN, this feeling is paralyzing. It really does suck sometimes.

 

[stalemate]

The worst for me is when I know something is bothering my wife and she will not even come out and admit to being upset. It completely takes me over and I can't focus on anything else until I get to the bottom of what is bothering her. She thinks she should just not bother me with it, and I can see why. Sometimes when she finally does tell me I will end up more distressed than she was in the first place. And then she says that's why she didn't want to tell me because it would just make me upset for no reason. Ugh.

But at least if I know what is going on I can process it and deal with it but when I just have this vague feeling and not knowing what is about or exactly how serious it is I can't let it go.

 

[SillySapienne]

Sometimes I really HATE being an F!!!

It's like being on an emotional roller coaster, all the fucking time, the highs feel great, but the lows... :sad:

And, just why can't I be all the time, seems like a cool deal. No highs, no lows, just

Much better than > > > :sad: > :steam: > > > > > > :sad: > > well, you get my fucking point.

 

[SillySapienne]

The worst for me is when I know something is bothering my wife and she will not even come out and admit to being upset. It completely takes me over and I can't focus on anything else until I get to the bottom of what is bothering her. She thinks she should just not bother me with it, and I can see why. Sometimes when she finally does tell me I will end up more distressed than she was in the first place. And then she says that's why she didn't want to tell me because it would just make me upset for no reason. Ugh.

But at least if I know what is going on I can process it and deal with it but when I just have this vague feeling and not knowing what is about or exactly how serious it is I can't let it go.

^ I feel you brother, this scenario resonates with a lot of my intimate relationships, especially with my mother, or my fill-in-the-blank, I know something is wrong, but they either don't realize it themselves, do, and are trying to deny it, or just don't want to confront it.

I always want to get what's inside out, let it OUT, rather than let it fester and grow like an unfriendly fungus.

 

[stalemate]

they either don't realize it themselves, do, and are trying to deny it, or just don't want to confront it.

It sounds really odd to think that you can know when something is wrong with someone and they not realize it themselves, but I am totally with you.

This is a stupid, trivial example, but I feel like sharing:

The other day I had lunch with my best friend (ISTJ) and his girlfriend (ISFJ). At a certain point in the lunch, I could tell she just wasn't the same anymore. Her energy was so negative and then later while we were driving back to work (we all work together) I just kept feeling it. My bff was oblivious, and I think she was too. At some point I was like "S, are you ok?" and she's like "yeah, why?" and I'm like "well, you've just seemed off since a little while before we left lunch. She assured me nothing was wrong and my friend just kind of looked at me like "dude, wtf?"

About 5 minutes later we are sitting at a stoplight and she turns to him and says "I hope you still aren't obsessed with that Cougar Whore Divorcee you used to date before me!"

Then I started thinking back. The point where she changed during the lunch was when I was talking to my friend about how his brother used to date my sister and they never really seemed to get over each other even though they are both married to other people now. I guess this sent her off thinking and she got worried that my friend would still be obsessed with his ex, who is about 15 years older than his current girlfriend and has kids and has been married before (hence the 'Cougar Whore Divorcee' characterization).

 

[Rebe]

Sometimes I really HATE being an F!!!

It's like being on an emotional roller coaster, all the fucking time, the highs feel great, but the lows... :sad:

And, just why can't I be all the time, seems like a cool deal. No highs, no lows, just

Much better than > > > :sad: > :steam: > > > > > > :sad: > > well, you get my fucking point.

Yes, I understand! I seriously thought I was bipolar at one point. When I feel good, I do crazy-ish things and not care. I feel emotions, don't dwell on it, jump from place to place and feel pretty good, pat myself on the back for experiencing life, tasting life.

Then when I am in a bad/trampled mood, I mope, I dwell, I sleep all day, get all ... well you know ...

There are days when I wish I am NT and don't feel these things, but just feel passionate about ideas and inventions and non-human things. I'd like to say that it's better than feeling 'nothing', it's better than being dead. Like when I am happy, I feel very much like a child, I don't think I will ever lose that child-like sparkle and I don't mind that. I hate seeing adults all serious and grumpy all the time. I really take to people who are very energetic and happy.

But sometimes, it is hard. You don't know what you are going to feel tomorrow even as you try to control your feelings. It's this thing that's alive within you, something you can't control.

I am learning how to Te-lessen my Fi though and it is very, very helpful. Some things are just negative patterns or learned traits and these need not be kept to be hurtful to us again and again.

 

[Lady_X]

It sounds really odd to think that you can know when something is wrong with someone and they not realize it themselves, but I am totally with you.

This is a stupid, trivial example, but I feel like sharing:

The other day I had lunch with my best friend (ISTJ) and his girlfriend (ISFJ). At a certain point in the lunch, I could tell she just wasn't the same anymore. Her energy was so negative and then later while we were driving back to work (we all work together) I just kept feeling it. My bff was oblivious, and I think she was too. At some point I was like "S, are you ok?" and she's like "yeah, why?" and I'm like "well, you've just seemed off since a little while before we left lunch. She assured me nothing was wrong and my friend just kind of looked at me like "dude, wtf?"

About 5 minutes later we are sitting at a stoplight and she turns to him and says "I hope you still aren't obsessed with that Cougar Whore Divorcee you used to date before me!"

Then I started thinking back. The point where she changed during the lunch was when I was talking to my friend about how his brother used to date my sister and they never really seemed to get over each other even though they are both married to other people now. I guess this sent her off thinking and she got worried that my friend would still be obsessed with his ex, who is about 15 years older than his current girlfriend and has kids and has been married before (hence the 'Cougar Whore Divorcee' characterization).

oh i have seen that kind of quiet hurt in my isfj sister. i think i recognize it because i do it too...just a lil bit differently....i don't know how to explain what i'm talking about...it's not even weird really i guess most people do that...nevermind.