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[MBTI General] Interesting question for NFPs

chippinchunk

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Nov 10, 2007
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112
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INFJ
How sad, I'll never be able to figure this out. And ive been reading this thread for a while.
 

LadyJaye

Scream down the boulevard
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Nov 6, 2007
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ENFP
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so/sx
I find my ENFP best friend is the same exact way. Also, it can be like pulling teeth to get both my INFP cousin and INFP brother to really open up about something. I STILL don't know what my cousin (who is also one of my best friends!) believes as far as religion because she refuses to discuss it on the grounds that it's highly personal to her.

I, on the other hand, come off as fairly closed but when you get talking to me, I'm actually open enough that I'm kicking myself afterwards for disclosing so much!

As far as the OP, I think Fe does have the tendency to self disclose over Fi.

I can only speak for myself, but often I feel like what I think or feel about something, in the broad view of the cosmos, is ultimately irrelevant. I do still maintain very definite opinions about things, but I feel reticent to share them, because it feels arrogant to me somehow. Which is a paradox really, since I don't view other people sharing their opinions as arrogant. It's like a rule I only subconsciously apply to myself.

Frustrating, I know.
 

quietgirl

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I can only speak for myself, but often I feel like what I think or feel about something, in the broad view of the cosmos, is ultimately irrelevant. I do still maintain very definite opinions about things, but I feel reticent to share them, because it feels arrogant to me somehow. Which is a paradox really, since I don't view other people sharing their opinions as arrogant. It's like a rule I only subconsciously apply to myself.

Frustrating, I know.

This is interesting. My ENFP best friend and the INFPs I know have this thing against "bragging". They occasionally call me out for bragging when I am disclosing positive information about myself. Do you normally feel as though sharing positive information about yourself is a form of bragging?
 

arcticangel02

To the top of the world
Joined
Oct 5, 2007
Messages
892
MBTI Type
eNFP
A little bit, yes. Especially when it's not exactly relavant to what's being talked about, when someone jumps in with 'Oh guess what I did today!' or 'Let's talk about me!' or something along those lines, it is a little self-absorbed. I think for the most part we don't mind, not at all, we just won't do it ourselves.

And... yeah. Jaye said it well. :p
 

Vortex

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277
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WOLF
It's funny, I always really make an effort to be open with people, but I'm totally secretive and have always been. I hate the idea that my parents know too much about me, just like I hate the idea that someone should pity me or get any information that can be used for emotional leverage. Full disclosure is limited to the very few and it takes a long time before I trust anybody enough for that. Even with the few that I do trust, there are things I simply refuse to discuss, like getting a bad grade, failing a driving test or something like that, not big stuff but what to me seems embarassing. If it's personal to me and I don't feel like sharing it, you can't coax it out.
 

Sandy

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INFP
This is interesting. My ENFP best friend and the INFPs I know have this thing against "bragging". They occasionally call me out for bragging when I am disclosing positive information about myself. Do you normally feel as though sharing positive information about yourself is a form of bragging?

At the end of every year, my boss asks us to send him all the positive outcomes of our work throughout the year so that he will have it for our review at the first of the year (bonuses). It's funny to see all my colleagues own lists of their own achievements... it looks like they are patting themselves on the back, and it's all about meee! (which makes me kind of nauseous).

Every year, I cannot bring myself to send my boss a list of all my own achievements.
 

LadyJaye

Scream down the boulevard
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This is interesting. My ENFP best friend and the INFPs I know have this thing against "bragging". They occasionally call me out for bragging when I am disclosing positive information about myself. Do you normally feel as though sharing positive information about yourself is a form of bragging?

Well, it really does depend on context. I would never consider it "bragging" to share something you've done with me that you're excited about or proud of, because as your friend, I would very much want to know, and I would be proud of you myself. The ENTJ and ENFJ folks I have in my life seek me out to tell me what new things they've done, I believe as a way of sharing the glow of victory with me, not at my expense.

If I were you, I would want the NFPs to elaborate on the bragging call, because that frankly seems a bit accusatory. Have they told you why they say that? Or is there a specific instance you could use to illustrate?
 

LadyJaye

Scream down the boulevard
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so/sx
At the end of every year, my boss asks us to send him all the positive outcomes of our work throughout the year so that he will have it for our review at the first of the year (bonuses). It's funny to see all my colleagues own lists of their own achievements... it looks like they are patting themselves on the back, and it's all about meee! (which makes me kind of nauseous).

Every year, I cannot bring myself to send my boss a list of all my own achievements.

No way could I do that either. Talk about massively unpleasant. Is your boss asking for a concrete list of accomplished tasks, like " I bought a million shares of XYZ stock, which yielded a 25% return for the company" , or is it more like " Well, I bought XYZ shares, which makes me a marketing genius, and you're lucky to have me." ?
 

Sandy

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The comments seem to be both concrete and commentary -- ie. "Due to my diligence in watching the engineering workload, we were under budget by 30% in overtime. I was able to resolve xxx issues with my direct reports, and they did more with one less budgeted person".

Anyway, I know what I have accomplished, however I hate patting myself on the back (and putting it down on paper -- that's HIS job!) My colleagues have no problems doing that.
 

Athenian200

Protocol Droid
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At the end of every year, my boss asks us to send him all the positive outcomes of our work throughout the year so that he will have it for our review at the first of the year (bonuses). It's funny to see all my colleagues own lists of their own achievements... it looks like they are patting themselves on the back, and it's all about meee! (which makes me kind of nauseous).

Every year, I cannot bring myself to send my boss a list of all my own achievements.

I'm pretty good at that if I try, actually. I prefer to hear compliments from other people, but I know how to make myself look good. I can see how that would be hard for Fi's, though.

I wonder if part of what makes some INFP's dislike me is that I tend to show emotion a lot in particular ways, while they tend to keep it inside and mull it over, and it makes me seem kind of "shallow" in comparison. There's something about them that makes me feel I'm being judged on something I don't have any control over or understanding of. It makes me feel helpless and paralyzed. It's like I wish they'd pay attention to my active will, what I'm actually trying to do and be, and not the immutable substratum I can't do anything about. Does that make sense, or were those probably just bad experiences I should chalk up to coincidence, misunderstanding, or immaturity?
 

quietgirl

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Well, it really does depend on context. I would never consider it "bragging" to share something you've done with me that you're excited about or proud of, because as your friend, I would very much want to know, and I would be proud of you myself. The ENTJ and ENFJ folks I have in my life seek me out to tell me what new things they've done, I believe as a way of sharing the glow of victory with me, not at my expense.

If I were you, I would want the NFPs to elaborate on the bragging call, because that frankly seems a bit accusatory. Have they told you why they say that? Or is there a specific instance you could use to illustrate?

It's usually when I say things along the lines of "I'm good at doing ____". For example, say I was talking about my previous management jobs and said "I did well at the human resources aspect of the job." My cousin would likely make a joke about bragging. I never understood why saying what you do well, especially since I am the first to say what I do NOT do well, was equated with bragging. In my mind, I'm just listing positives and negatives.
 

cascadeco

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I can only speak for myself, but often I feel like what I think or feel about something, in the broad view of the cosmos, is ultimately irrelevant. I do still maintain very definite opinions about things, but I feel reticent to share them, because it feels arrogant to me somehow. Which is a paradox really, since I don't view other people sharing their opinions as arrogant. It's like a rule I only subconsciously apply to myself.

Frustrating, I know.

Wow, fascinating. I'm the same way in real life. I often feel arrogant/'guilty'/self-centered when I do share things about myself, especially good things...like I'm taking over the conversation or something...so I often don't disclose much at all. And, to a certain degree, I don't think much of my life is that big of a deal, or that interesting, which also makes me not want to talk about much. But like you, I don't view other people sharing stuff about themselves in a negative way at all. In fact, I view it as a very positive thing in others! :shock: And I can relate to your comment on what you ultimately think/feel being irrelevant in the grand scheme.

I don't really understand why I'm like this.

Like others, in situations where I need to make myself look good, like in job interviews, or work environments, I'm able to do so, but it doesn't come naturally. I recently had a yearend review where I was supposed to fluff myself up and tell my boss everything that I did that was 'above and beyond', and I didn't do so well at that! Since we already have a good relationship I don't think it was a big deal, and I joked with her that I wasn't good at 'selling myself' or citing examples of all of my 'achievements'. I just feel embarrassed/silly when I do - and in a weird way, I'm reluctant to try to make myself seem more worthy of a good rating than my other coworkers are.
 

cascadeco

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It's usually when I say things along the lines of "I'm good at doing ____". For example, say I was talking about my previous management jobs and said "I did well at the human resources aspect of the job." My cousin would likely make a joke about bragging. I never understood why saying what you do well, especially since I am the first to say what I do NOT do well, was equated with bragging. In my mind, I'm just listing positives and negatives.

That's too bad you get that feedback from your cousin. It's definitely not bragging at all - it's a simple fact!! You're good at doing certain things! I guess I don't have a problem mentioning what I'm good at (and I have no qualms admitting what I suck at!!), if the topic comes up-- but as mentioned in my previous post, I just don't like to talk at length about myself.
 

allie bug

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We hide in the open, by opening up the fact or detail without pointing the the center of the problem, we skirt it, openly talking around it hoping, or expecting the person we are talking with to use their N and get to the same point...

This is not helpful... mostly it is terrifying to actually out and say what is at the center of an issue...

that is the best description I've ever heard of and ENFP dealing with a conflict.
kudos!:yes:
 

Sandy

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I'm pretty good at that if I try, actually. I prefer to hear compliments from other people, but I know how to make myself look good. I can see how that would be hard for Fi's, though.

I wonder if part of what makes some INFP's dislike me is that I tend to show emotion a lot in particular ways, while they tend to keep it inside and mull it over, and it makes me seem kind of "shallow" in comparison. There's something about them that makes me feel I'm being judged on something I don't have any control over or understanding of. It makes me feel helpless and paralyzed. It's like I wish they'd pay attention to my active will, what I'm actually trying to do and be, and not the immutable substratum I can't do anything about. Does that make sense, or were those probably just bad experiences I should chalk up to coincidence, misunderstanding, or immaturity?

I missed this - sorry! I'm not sure what the answer is here, but just to let you know... one of my very best friends is an INFJ! :wubbie: If I had to take a stab at your last question, I would probably guess misunderstanding (on one or both sides).
 

Sandy

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It's usually when I say things along the lines of "I'm good at doing ____". For example, say I was talking about my previous management jobs and said "I did well at the human resources aspect of the job." My cousin would likely make a joke about bragging. I never understood why saying what you do well, especially since I am the first to say what I do NOT do well, was equated with bragging. In my mind, I'm just listing positives and negatives.
Maybe your cousin is jealous. I can tell you are smart, so maybe she's teasing you to minimize you. It's not right (in my book), but some people do that.
 

nightning

ish red no longer *sad*
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I'm often at a loss as to how to reply. I would answer honestly assuming a) I knew how I actually feel about anything (as opposed to how I think I feel about them) or b) they would be comfortable receiving an honest answer.
*nods* I find myself doing the same thing... Sometimes I feel like asking "Well what type of answer do you want? My rambling honest answer that you'll probably have no interests in? Or the short pleasantry?

Then I ended up think... why bother? And answer like you:

Response: "Not too bad."

Guess I only have myself to blame for not being open... Now how much of self disclosure is Fi and how much is Fe?

In real life I am quite private in terms of sharing personal beliefs/thoughts (various reasons), although I'll be very open about more factual stuff about me. I would like to be a bit more open with others. It's a work in progress.

And with people I trust, I will voluntarily go deeper. But I have a really hard time verbalizing my actual feelings, and WHY I feel the way I do. I think part of it is that my thoughts and feelings are really layered/convoluted and it's nearly impossible for me to verbalize them instantly when someone puts me on the spot. It's why I do much better in writing. I have time to sort through my thoughts.

I think the other piece is that I do a good deal of self-monitoring. I don't necessarily think it's appropriate, OR a good idea (i.e. consequences), to share my thoughts or feelings with people sometimes.
I fully agree with what you've said there. Perhaps the difference between INFJ and INFPs in self disclosure isn't so much visible from the outside... but it's involved in the reasons/motivations behind our actions. That even though both types comes across as uhhhh reserve, it's for different reasons.
 

PotatoPeeler68

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I do believe that is true. My INFJ friend is much better at providing concrete examples.

Meanwhile, I occasionally show abstract dialog, but only if I want to be abstract and poetic.
Otherwise, I tell it as it is, or don't speak at all.
 
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