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[ENFJ] ENFJs and Kissing Ass

TopherRed

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I was told today by an INTJ that my methodolgy for dealing with people is to kiss their ass. His interpretation of Fe. I consider it diplomacy. But I wonder...to what degree does that affect me with girls...

...Like if I'm ever going to end up with an xNxP, how far does "he's so nice" really get me? Mmm...

Just things to ponder. Fellow ENFJs, lend me your opinions! (and anybody else who'd like to comment).
 

Lady_X

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you mean will a fi user respect your fe and/or be attracted to it? i mean being nice is not synonymous with ass kissing unless your way of being nice is to forget you have an opinion...hmm..need more info...
 

TopherRed

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Have and express my opinions openly...especially when I think it needs to be heard. I just do it strategically; meaning I usually tell them when it would have maximum impact, and a way that they'll get it. So, I guess I'm not a kiss ass. But I am nice. I wonder sometimes though...
 

Lady_X

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well...how about just being nice because you want to without expecting it to get you somewhere...i mean...lots of people are nice it's not the only thing that draws people together so it's always going to depend on other factors as well ya know?

sorry...trying to be helpful but maybe i'm not clear on what you're really asking.
 

TopherRed

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*shrug* not clear either. I am naturally nice...though I often question whether my personality changes around girls I'm attracted to, but there's no way anybody on the forum can analyze that for me.

I guess it's more of a statement. Is "niceness", when naturally exuded in a personality, an unattractive trait to xNxPs?
 

OrangeAppled

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As long as it is genuine, it does not bother me, and it can even be very attractive (not kissing ass, but complimenting and having an agreeable nature). I find most ENFJs to be forthcoming with their opinions & not afraid to disagree (in a non pushy way - which is an art, really), but on occasion they seek to please & tell two different things to two different people. On these occasions, it is mildly annoying, but not exactly a deal-breaker. I understand diplomacy and have learned myself when to be the voice of dissent & when to stay quiet, but agreeing just to agree is where I draw the line. If the ENFJ usually draws the line there, then I won't lose any respect.

EDIT: You may find that some FPs occasionally have the opposite problem - disagreeing just to disagree and be "different", and it is equally annoying ;).
 

Lady_X

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i imagine so many of us would have a different opinion but yeah i like when someone is nice but only if it's genuine. i'd rather them be less nice and to respect their reasoning behind it then have them be fake nice....so yeah someone who speaks and acts from a genuinely caring place is cool.
 

Geoff

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The one ENFJ I know well in real life doesnt kiss ass. She's much more likely to be insulting, but in a jokey way as a means of getting her point across. So she picks on me. But then this in the Uk where we kinda do the sarcastic thing more often.
 

spin-1/2-nuclei

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I was told today by an INTJ that my methodolgy for dealing with people is to kiss their ass. His interpretation of Fe. I consider it diplomacy. But I wonder...to what degree does that affect me with girls...

...Like if I'm ever going to end up with an xNxP, how far does "he's so nice" really get me? Mmm...

Just things to ponder. Fellow ENFJs, lend me your opinions! (and anybody else who'd like to comment).

well in my opinion I'd have to say that being diplomatic is helpful in any kind of relationship especially a romantic one. Disagreements in long term relationships/friendships are almost impossible to avoid forever and if/when it occurs being diplomatic will get you a lot farther than telling someone that they can stick X into Y or whatever.

As far as meeting girls goes, I'd suspect that would depend on the girl. What kind of girl is your type (i.e. bad girl, good girl, etc)? There are some people out there (girls and guys) that prefer the bad boy/girl - so with that type being "nice" probably wouldn't get you too far at first, but there are plenty of people that are looking specifically for a "nice guy" too... So, I guess what I'm saying is it all depends on you and what you're into. Not that I am anything close to an expert on relationships - this is just my two-cents. :)
 

ceecee

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Oh my, not my ENFJ. He will be diplomatic and he will play the "game" to a degree (such as with work related crap). However, I've never seen him or heard of him kissing ass. It's never to buck the system just because but he does have a line and makes it well known.
 

stalemate

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I had a similar experience at work recently.

A coworker (INTJ) thought he had pissed off our boss during an argument. He didn't really like the idea of having our boss pissed at him and he asked me how I would handle it (I get through the social aspects of work much easier than he does).

I said I would just drop in and talk to her and try to get a feel for if she was pissed off at me and if I got any indication there was some tension I would just talk through the specific disagreement with her and work it out.

His response was "So you think the solution is to go suck up to my boss."

I was like "Uhhhh, you do realize she is a person and you are allowed to actually go talk to her and if you have a problem with her you two should discuss it together, it isn't sucking up."

It was totally lost on him. :shrug:

If I have a point here I guess it is that having social skills is not the same thing as kissing ass and some people just can't get it. I think some are of the opinion that if you don't chest thump your way through life you are some kind of pushover or kiss ass. Not hardly.

I just wouldn't worry too much about it.
 

Lady_X

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that's nuts.
 
G

Glycerine

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Fuzz, I remember a few days ago on vent you were genuinely complimenting a girl (kyuuei or rainbows, I think) on what great of a catch she was and Abra (ENTJ) reacted by saying something like "my god, Fuzz". This thread reminds me of that. I think Fe can come off a bit much if the Fe user doesn't watch it. As a result, others see it as "kissing ass".
 
G

garbage

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A coworker (INTJ) thought he had pissed off our boss during an argument. He didn't really like the idea of having our boss pissed at him and he asked me how I would handle it (I get through the social aspects of work much easier than he does).

I said I would just drop in and talk to her and try to get a feel for if she was pissed off at me and if I got any indication there was some tension I would just talk through the specific disagreement with her and work it out.

His response was "So you think the solution is to go suck up to my boss."

I was like "Uhhhh, you do realize she is a person and you are allowed to actually go talk to her and if you have a problem with her you two should discuss it together, it isn't sucking up."

It was totally lost on him. :shrug:

I'm sorry, but this is absolutely hilarious :popc1:


There's some gray area between "talking effectively to people" and "kissing ass". I think the former is all about being assertive; standing up for your interests while still recognizing the perspective of the other person.

Striving for a "win-win" isn't kissing ass. Now.. "lose-win".. well, that's a different story.
 
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