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[INFJ] INFJ Harassment

ilovereeses

New member
Joined
Dec 29, 2009
Messages
116
MBTI Type
eNFP
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9w8
I was in a relationship with an extremely unhealthy INFJ.

The breakup was a messy 1 month process...involving many angry emails from him, followed by an apology email full of, "You don't know how I feel..." and "I want to think that you're a nice girl, but..." and "Remember back when we were happy?" and, "[enter name] is so much nicer, why can't you understand me like her?" stuff in there, begging me to meet with him to talk just "one more time"....because "just 5 minutes could solve everything."

He hadn't talked to or seen me for about 2 months until he randomly texted me yesterday saying that he wanted to apologize. I told him that it was ok and forgave him and we had a normal, every day conversation after that.

Then he texts me today saying that we need to talk about the past. :doh:

What he doesn't realize is that the fact that he keeps bringing it up is what is pushing me away. I don't know how to get this through his head. I want to forget every crappy thing that ever happened, in fact, I never really want to see him again, but he keeps persisting on us being friends. So, I'm trying, but he's making it impossible. I had told him before that I'd contact him when I was ready to be friends again, but of course he disregarded that.

Then he tries forcing logic on me that doesn't even make sense, followed by a "think bout it" .....

How do I knock some sense into him and get him to stop harassing me?! I've tried everything: ignoring, being nice, being mean, telling him he's being immature, telling him to stop, telling him I won't reply anymore.

Nothing works! :17425:
 

groovejet02

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Tell him that it's over, there's nothing more to discuss and threaten to call the cops on him if he continues to harass you.
 

Thalassa

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You're giving him hope with your ambivalent behavior. If you REALLY don't want to talk to him anymore, seriously tell him to get lost. Also, don't ever to threaten to call the cops unless you're really going to. If it progresses to that point get a restraining order, but there are quite a few steps to go through before you get there. Seriously just try to tell him to fuck off. If you can't do that, you're sending mixed signals to someone who still has a thing for you.
 

ajblaise

Minister of Propagandhi
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Messages
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You're giving him hope with your ambivalent behavior.

This was my first thought too. And it sounds like he's exploiting your ambivalence. Poor NFPs.

If you want it to be over, tell him it's over, especially the friendship.

The friendship strategy is how male INFJs get girls in the first place! :yes:
 
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Phantonym

Guest
I agree with what others have said about him craving closure and you giving him hope by sending mixed signals.

Your relationship will always be open-ended if he sees a possibility of friendship and this is what keeps feeding his imagination.

Have a talk with him in person. You have to be resolute about this if you want it to stop. Use an assertive tone of voice, there shouldn't be no hesitation. Don't be nice, don't be mean, make perfectly clear that you want nothing to do with him in any kind of way. After you've had the talk don't react in any way to him. If he happens to contact you, don't reply to his texts or e-mails. If he calls, tell him you don't want to talk to him and hang up immediately.

Good luck. :)
 

cafe

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Tell him that it's over, there's nothing more to discuss and threaten to call the cops on him if he continues to harass you.
This.

He's being an ass with all that manipulative, self-pitying behavior. You owe him nothing. Nobody is obligated to be someone's girlfriend just because they are a nice person -- what BS! If you can block all contact with him electronically without going broke, do that too.
 

Arclight

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Closure??? But aren't INFJs the masters of the "doorslam"??

Confused..:huh:
 

cafe

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Closure??? But aren't INFJs the masters of the "doorslam"??

Confused..:huh:

The doorslam only works if it's our idea. I suppose she could try to provoke a doorslam, but triggering that can be unpredictable and probably not worth the effort.
 
P

Phantonym

Guest
Closure??? But aren't INFJs the masters of the "doorslam"??

Confused..:huh:

"Doorslams" only work when there's inner resolve and there is a sense of closure. When you feel there's unfinished business and things go round and round and round in one's mind, that's not a "doorslam". Seeking closure is important in that case because otherwise it's just going to go on forever.

This isn't the case of a doorslam. He still feels hopeful, he's not the one who wants to let go and she's giving mixed signals about the whole situation that only makes things worse for both of them.
 

Arclight

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"Doorslams" only work when there's inner resolve and there is a sense of closure. When you feel there's unfinished business and things go round and round and round in one's mind, that's not a "doorslam". Seeking closure is important in that case because otherwise it's just going to go on forever.

This isn't the case of a doorslam. He still feels hopeful, he's not the one who wants to let go and she's giving mixed signals about the whole situation that only makes things worse for both of them.

Yeah My point is.. The INFJ doorslams.. but what if the person being doorslammed doesn't feel closure? What if the person being doorslammed has stuff to process? what if the INFJ sent a bunch of signals and then just dropped off the face the Earth?

So INFJs understand what the person is feeling who they doorslam, but expect to be respected and left alone anyway. But when they don't have the closure they need again it's the other person who is being difficult?

I am confused:huh:
 

Arclight

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The doorslam only works if it's our idea. I suppose she could try to provoke a doorslam, but triggering that can be unpredictable and probably not worth the effort.


I like this honesty.. More do as I say not as I do..
Bless you!!
 

cafe

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I like this honesty.. More do as I say not as I do..
Bless you!!
FWIW, I don't think other people owe me an explanation if they don't want a relationship with me anymore except my husband and maybe my children.

My husband did make an actual legal commitment and I made and have honored that commitment as well, so I expect him to do the same.

I expect that when my kids move out they are going to be busy with their own lives and will probably go through a phase where they think we were crappy parents, etc which is why I make it a point to have a life outside of my children.
 
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Phantonym

Guest
Yeah My point is.. The INFJ doorslams.. but what if the person being doorslammed doesn't feel closure? What if the person being doorslammed has stuff to process? what if the INFJ sent a bunch of signals and then just dropped off the face the Earth?

So INFJs understand what the person is feeling who they doorslam, but expect to be respected and left alone anyway. But when they don't have the closure they need again it's the other person who is being difficult?

I am confused:huh:

I can't speak for all INFJs. Everybody is different. If there's a problem then it should be addressed and it is up to the person who has some issues left to talk about to address them. They have every right to do so and I think the person addressed should listen to them even if a "doorslamming" has taken place. Thoughts and opinions should be voiced but once you've done all that there's also a time to let go and accept how things are even when they haven't gone exactly the way you wanted them to. Only after this can you expect to be respected and left alone.
 

Quay

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Closure??? But aren't INFJs the masters of the "doorslam"??

Confused..:huh:


Personally, I don't equate closure and doorslam.

I think this dude knows he was wrong somehow, thus needing OP to close things for him so he can process his guilt and get on with his life. Selfish maybe?

Doorslam can be complicated and the nature of it seems to be dependent upon the mental state of the person too.

I doorslam if I KNOW for a fact the person is really up to no good: facts backup what I was feeling in my heart all along.
 

Rebe

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Have you clearly explained why you two broke up? I know it'd drive me crazy if I didn't know why, like anyone but once I do, I can completely put efforts into moving on. Closure is extremely important. Maybe you should sit down and firmly explain, make sure s/he doesn't have any more questions left.
 

ilovereeses

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We did try to talk it out in the past, but it always ended up with him acting like a victim and pin pointing the blame on me, guilting me into saying I was sorry and that I'd try better. Eventually I decided that we couldn't talk it out and told him that it was over for good. It wasn't a complete doorslam, but I ignored him for a long time. He continued to send me messages every day, though. Then I replied to one of them telling him to grow up and that I wouldn't respond to anything he says. Then he sent even nastier messages.

Then he did the doorslam to me. He deleted and blocked me from facebook and left our church. He said that it was too much pain to see me, even though we'd only been together for a few months...

Then he texted me again a few days ago. I was nice to him because he said that he wanted to apologize. But, I knew he hadn't changed when he snapped on me again when I refused his demand that I call him to talk about the past.

But he just texted me again today saying that he gave up and feels like he wasted his time trying...hopefully it really is over X_X
 
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Glycerine

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IGNORE HIM at all costs. If you respond, its almost like you are giving into him.
 

rushig

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Aug 6, 2009
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sounds like a messed up INFJ so my advise stop all contact with him. otherwise repeatedly there's a chance that he's gonna mess your head up from time to time.

I've only met one INFJ guy my life in person and I frankly think that the emotional balance between guy INFJ's and girl E are not optimal coz they can't handle it and they can be manipulative as a result.
 
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