[INFP] INFPs why do I want 2b ur BFF but don't want to date you? (ENFP ponders the paradox.)

[Esoteric Wench]

Two of my best friends in the whole world are INFPs. I adore INFPs! They are my partners in crime when it comes to all matters of intellectual reverie. But I've never been interested in dating an INFP, which seems counter-intuitive to me.

If INFPs and ENFPs had lots of natural conflict between their respective personalities, I might understand the natural routing to the "friends" box that I do. But I feel like my INFPs friends are my soul mates ... in a BFF kind of way. So is there something that INFPs and ENFPs provide each other that makes them great soul mates, but not a natural choice for being SOUL MATES (in an I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you kind of way)?

I was discussing this matter with another ENFP today when it occurred to me this would be a great topic for the forum. Please share your insights!

 

[gromit]

In my experience, a more accurate word is kindred.

 

[StephMC]

Wouldn't it be a little boring to date someone TOO similar to you? It makes sense if you feel especially close to friends similar to you though.

 

[Oberon]

INFPs why do I want 2b ur BFF but don't want to date you?

Because you're too damn picky.

 

[StephAnne04]

I know how you feel. I absolutely adore INFPs. I have actually been in a relationship with one. But now.. I beginning to realize that probably wasn't a good idea. As friends, they're great. They give me the assurance I need and I don't push them too hard. But being in a romantic relationship with one has shown to be problematic. I get more emotionally invested and hate when they disappear on me without telling me. That is just one example of the numerous differences that caused problems int eh relationship that wouldn't have come up in a friendship.

 

[Sizzling Berry]

No sexual chemistry, no mystery, no tension, no fire. And still there are some differences that annoy.

 

[Udog]

If INFPs and ENFPs had lots of natural conflict between their respective personalities, I might understand the natural routing to the "friends" box that I do. But I feel like my INFPs friends are my soul mates ... in a BFF kind of way. So is there something that INFPs and ENFPs provide each other that makes them great soul mates, but not a natural choice for being SOUL MATES (in an I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you kind of way)?

I don't know... I've had romantic chemistry with 2 ENFPs in my life, so I can't sign on with the whole INFP doesn't mesh with ENFP theory. (I will say, however, that ENFPs sometimes bring out the IxTJ side of me, which can get tiring for both of us.)

I think it's more that you haven't met the right INFP. The natural ease of friendship between the two types might just draw your focus to the lack of romantic chemistry more than it would for other types. On paper, the friendship is everything you *think* you want. However, paper doesn't mean a thing when it doesn't have that zing!

 

[phthalocyanine]

(I will say, however, that ENFPs sometimes bring out the IxTJ side of me, which can get tiring for both of us.)

i too feel like i'm more often in the role of a T-dom with ENFP company... i wonder why.

 

[gromit]

Yes, I feel that way around other Fs (particularly NFs)... I find myself taking on this almost Te role or something... not that I even understand exactly what Te is, but I often find myself filling the role that a Te person would fill in MY life...

 

[Sizzling Berry]

i too feel like i'm more often in the role of a T-dom with ENFP company... i wonder why.

I become J-ish with other NFPs.

 

[Rebe]

It's not so much a paradox. XNFPs and other types as well like to solve people puzzles, it's not fun to get the other person figured out by the fourth date. I certainly don't want to date someone so similar to me and not be able to learn from them wholly different perspectives.

 

[EnflamedHeartofSand]

I can't speak from experience, because I don't know what types my previous girlfriends have been, but I can say that the ENFP girl that I know now, and all her ENFP like qualities such as: liveliness, extreme awareness, softness, gentleness, while also her surprising sternness, and her seriousness are extremely attractive to me. Though some of you say that there is no mystery, I don't think that's true. There is mystery if you don't necessarily believe that you have them all figured out. I don't even think it's possible to have someone all figured out anyways.

Ultimately, it must come down to the individuals, if the ENFP is not necessarily looking for a fling, or a mystery, (that will eventually become unraveled btw), and is looking for a serious long term relationship, then who better than the INFP who is ready and willing to commit seriously and do whatever it takes to create the harmony in a relationship, even if that means uncharacteristically changing their behavior to make the relationship more interesting.

 

[Laurie]

I don't agree.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I don't know any ENFP guys....but I can find & have found ENFJs very attractive. I don't see why it couldn't work with the right people. In fact, I think it could be ideal.

 

[CrystalViolet]

It's a bit like incest really, isn't it? I've dated NF guys before but not an ENFP.I'm not serious about the incest thing

 

[Esoteric Wench]

I don't know... I've had romantic chemistry with 2 ENFPs in my life, so I can't sign on with the whole INFP doesn't mesh with ENFP theory. (I will say, however, that ENFPs sometimes bring out the IxTJ side of me, which can get tiring for both of us.)

I think it's more that you haven't met the right INFP. The natural ease of friendship between the two types might just draw your focus to the lack of romantic chemistry more than it would for other types. On paper, the friendship is everything you *think* you want. However, paper doesn't mean a thing when it doesn't have that zing!

Well, I definitely think that gender plays a huge role in how type manifests for both INFPs and INFJs. Maybe there's something about how INFP males tend to present themselves that just doesn't do it for me....

Or maybe Udog is right. I haven't met the right INFP male yet.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

It's been my experience that there is a natural romantic attraction between these pairs:

• INFPs and ENFJs
• INFJs and ENFPs

And natural friction between these pairs:

• INFPs and INFJs
• ENFPs and ENFJs

And natural kindred spirits feelings between these pairs:

• INFPs and ENFPs
• INFJs and ENFJs

Once I started noticing the pattern, I saw it everywhere. It was quite startling. There's got to be something going on here. I'm just trying to figure out what.

 

[Synapse]

because you don't get that rush that says, you want to fuck infp brains out.

you want a live n the moment adrenalin rush, the adventure and exploration of a dominant man that can build your attraction at the snap of a finger. not the lame passive oh how i wish there was a soul mate to get my chemistry hot and bothered. your subconsciously looking for a predetermined style of attraction that has nothing to do with type but everything to do with your upbringing.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

You want...the adventure and exploration of a dominant man that can build your attraction at the snap of a finger.... your subconsciously looking for a predetermined style of attraction that has nothing to do with type but everything to do with your upbringing.

Well, upbringing affects us all. And I suppose that even I, a well-educated, socially liberal woman who was raised by a staunchly feminist woman, am not immune to the stereotypes of male behavior in our culture. That being said, I don't think my tendency to put INFP males in the "friend" category can be explained that simply.

First of all, the patterns I noted above are not just my personal patterns. They are the patterns I've seen in my friends and acquaintances. For example, I currently am in contact with six INFJ women. Of these, three are in serious, committed relationships with ENFP men. One of my two INFP bestfriends is a gay male who is in a committed relationship with an ENFJ.

Secondly, these patterns I've observed mirror Socionics theory about intertype relations. (I observed the pattern first, then found Socionics intertype theory, btw.) If you don't know about Socionics, you should check it out. It's an offshoot of Jungian Typology developed in Russia. One of the major things Socionics brings to the table is that personality types interact in predictable ways. Let me quote from one Website:

Socionics intertype relations describe relationship between Psychological Types of people and not between the actual people. This is the reason these relations are called "intertype" relations. The relations between actual people are complicated and depend on many different factors. The intertype relations, however, form the core of any relationship and describe various degrees of psychological compatibility between people according to their Types. - from Socionics.com

Finally, I've always been most attracted to men who are in touch with their sensitive side. I used to joke with my friends that I was looking to date a Frasier. And, INFJs (Not known for their stereotypical maleness) are oooooh sooooo attractive to me.

If anyone understands the theoretical basis for Socionics intertype relations, I'd appreciate any thoughts they had.

 

[Synapse]

Well, upbringing affects us all. And I suppose that even I, a well-educated, socially liberal woman who was raised by a staunchly feminist woman, am not immune to the stereotypes of male behavior in our culture. That being said, I don't think my tendency to put INFP males in the "friend" category can be explained that simply.

Yeah okay maybe, i was offering an angle, i still think it can.

As to socionics, yes i have looked into it, fuzzbrain tends to skimp on the stuff i learned and should know. i forgot about it just like enneagram and disc personality and that sanguine stuff and multiple intelligences and colourgenics and guh its all a swirl in there somewhere. highly theoretical and deep stuff unfortunately i can't for the life of me remember so i won't try but i would like to say this.

attraction works differently in women then men, that is true. and while you mayn't think its that simple, perhaps the simplest answer is the most truthful one. after all with which personality did you have the most chemistry with would bring a correlation of the kinds of men you are attracted to. generally speaking you could create that gut level attraction with infp men but they aren't fulfilling a primal urge inside of you that is screaming for liberal and intellectual adventure but maybe not emotional. it isn't the same as general likes and dislikes that are manifest in the attraction process of the shallow base effect where sex drives the dominant facilitation of attraction.

more like you want a confident, assertive, mature, bright mind that is rough around the edges, you know a bit of life experience that you can sniff has a bit of structure and stability behind him. perhaps this is biological and in that sense unestablished infps who struggle through life and are overly sensitive and emotional mightn't be it, that is an emotional burden you refuse to accept subconsciously, that is to attract yourself to a partner that is passive in nature without having the will to give their all and ending up to pick the tab up. who knows, yay, my mind suddenly happened to write this out. and take it with a wide berth, i am a helpless flagellation of disproportionate distortion when it comes to relationship ideas.