[INFJ] infjs in super-charged emotionally exciting long-term relationships

[the state i am in]

i would be interested to hear if there are infjs who are in relationships that are super-charged with emotional currency over the long haul.

it seems like it would be a good topic to talk about--if the kind of overly gushy expectations many infjs have are
a. possible
b. realistic
c. healthy

it seems like the most healthy infjs opt for nts. i'm wondering if this is true, and if experiences with other Fs have challenged that, and if gender affects this overall balance.

i'm also wondering if there's a difference between the kind of gushy "emotionally fulfilling" relationship infjs are seeking and
a. communication that allows you to feel truly understood
b. inspiration (that makes you believe in possibilities for the future)

i know i can get inspired by both Fi and Ti for different reasons, but largely bc they help me see possibilities. i'm wondering if infjs are just attracted to the grounding qualities of these judging functions, the relevancy factor that allows them to build an inner foundation and move outward from there.

 

[cafe]

I hate super-charged emotional currency. It's draining.

 

[EcK]

And more importantly, can that energy be harvested to produce cheap electric current and lead the way to a post scarcity era

 

[Fidelia]

I'm not looking for super-charged, but I rather despair of the realism of finding a relationship where I would feel understood and have a belief in the possibilities for the future. I don't think it is that I expect everything in a man. I'm very aware that we need a variety of people in our lives to answer various types of needs and not just one person can be expected to be all that. It's just that if I truly believe certain ingredients are going to be needed for long term success or fulfillment, it would not be right to embark on something that the other person does not have the interest/abilities to carry out. I'm not even sure if I have all of those qualities.

After extensive interviewing and observation, I've concluded that:

1) Most couples go through a really rough patch in their late 40s-early 60s where they are facing what is or is not actually going to happen in the future, or the effects of certain things piling up over time. In addition, most people have only recently gained enough confidence and experience to feel more sure of their assessment of the situation, and then they have to decide what they are going to do with it from there.

2) Some people are really looking for very different things in a marriage than I am. I want a partner, someone to create something that neither of us could on our own, a sense of us-ness, some initiative. Many people are looking for someone to spend time with, share bills with, have a couple of kids with, and eat meals/go to social events with. There's nothing wrong with that, but I know I would always be frustrated if that was all there was and that's an unfair expectation to put on someone who wasn't signing up for that.

3) I think only one in hundreds if not thousands of couples have the kind of intimacy that I would wish for.

 

[cascadeco]

^Your post resonates, fidelia.

it seems like the most healthy infjs opt for nts. i'm wondering if this is true, and if experiences with other Fs have challenged that, and if gender affects this overall balance.

i'm also wondering if there's a difference between the kind of gushy "emotionally fulfilling" relationship infjs are seeking and
a. communication that allows you to feel truly understood
b. inspiration (that makes you believe in possibilities for the future)

I think I'm more drawn to NT's, but honestly for myself I find the ENxx more stimulating than the fact that they're NT's. I am pretty drawn to extroverts...they're able to open me up and unpeel me... and I find them stimulating on many levels.

Not sure I relate to the 'gushy'/supercharged concept.

However, I relate very much to your point a), of needing communication / a dynamic that makes me feel truly understood. Being understood, and heard, is perhaps more important to me than supercharged emotions, but then I don't consider myself a 'supercharged' person at all, and it's rather hard for me to talk about my feelings and verbalize things.

Re. b), for me maybe this translates to my needing to feel there is a 'Point' to all of it -- that we share similar values and similar life direction/path, such that I believe we'll be able to journey through life together and build a life together.

Re. what I'm desiring out of a relationship, fidelia mentioned some things I can relate to, but in the end, where I'm at now is that I really don't have a *desire*, at all, to be in a relationship that doesn't have all of the components that I really want. I wouldn't be happy, even if I'm too idealistic/unrealistic, and I'd rather be single than be in a relationship that doesn't really suit what I'm wanting out of a relationship, which is a mental and emotional connection, mutual understanding and respect, shared values and a shared sense of direction in life, complementary and we both grow from one another, and chemistry on top of all of that. The liklihood of this seems exceedingly slim to me, but I really have no desire to be in a relationship that lacks this stuff. My heart wouldn't be in it and I wouldn't see a point, certainly in the long-term.

 

[cafe]

In general, what I experience from people is their emotions splashing all over me in an inconsiderate fashion, like saliva. People have drama, apparently because they like it. They get bored or something because they don't have other hobbies. I dunno.

I like harmony, a feeling of comradery, loyalty, trust, devotion. I like that my NT partner doesn't splash all over me without good reason most of the time. He's my calm in the storm and the one that talks sense to me when I'm about to do something stupid. We keep each other from being too serious or becoming morose.

We do love each other deeply and have good chemistry but we are sanctuary and peace to one another, we are nurture and family, and the safe place we lacked as children. Which I suppose is an emotional intensity in its own way, but more like a, I don't know, a warm fireplace on a cold night than some kind of lofty romantic drama.

I love that.

 

[Halla74]

Although I'm not an INFJ, I have been married to one for 15 years, so I'm dropping a few comments.

it seems like the most healthy infjs opt for nts. i'm wondering if this is true, and if experiences with other Fs have challenged that, and if gender affects this overall balance.

I know of several xSTP/INFJ couples on this forum, so there is more than a NT/NF attraction thing going on...

i'm also wondering if there's a difference between the kind of gushy "emotionally fulfilling" relationship infjs are seeking and

a. communication that allows you to feel truly understood

The key to being understood is to speak your mind, hopefully often...

b. inspiration (that makes you believe in possibilities for the future)

Don't constantly strive for something "better", also try to enjoy what you have, especially if it is good, especially if it is something you set out to achieve earlier and life, and have done it, don't cash in your accomplishments for new and loftier standards just for the sake of striving for more, smell the roses a little bit more!

i know i can get inspired by both Fi and Ti for different reasons, but largely bc they help me see possibilities. i'm wondering if infjs are just attracted to the grounding qualities of these judging functions, the relevancy factor that allows them to build an inner foundation and move outward from there.

I don't know about the above, but one thing I know for sure is that my wife appreciates the fact that I can make things happen on a dime. I am her work horse. I easily and willingly make her dreams come true, if I but know what they are. And that is one of the things that is difficult to extract from INFJs at times, detail, exact information needed to produce an outcome. I'm told my wife wants to go on vacations, but not where. I'm told my wife wants to have a plan for retirement, but I'm the one with a job that results in a fixed benefit pension. Sometimes it seems like things are harder than they need to be when communicating with INFJs.

BUT - they make up for this with devotion and understanding. If an INFJ loves you, you know it. I've found that since I have found out what my wifey's INFJ needs are (to be "heard" to be "understood", etc.) she is happy if she knows that I am trying to ensure they are fulfilled on an on-going basis.

 

[the state i am in]

I'm not looking for super-charged, but I rather despair of the realism of finding a relationship where I would feel understood and have a belief in the possibilities for the future.

i'm not sure what you mean here. despair? do you mean of the likelihood of that happening?

1) Most couples go through a really rough patch in their late 40s-early 60s where they are facing what is or is not actually going to happen in the future, or the effects of certain things piling up over time. In addition, most people have only recently gained enough confidence and experience to feel more sure of their assessment of the situation, and then they have to decide what they are going to do with it from there.

i think this is great insight. relationships are also on a trial by fire basis unless you are just looking to get married and "attain" a relationship. it's difficult to have confidence that you're in the right situation. and it can take awhile to feel confident about your judgment when you're a j and you have difficulty making judgments based on the personal relevancy factor.

) Some people are really looking for very different things in a marriage than I am. I want a partner, someone to create something that neither of us could on our own, a sense of us-ness, some initiative. Many people are looking for someone to spend time with, share bills with, have a couple of kids with, and eat meals/go to social events with. There's nothing wrong with that, but I know I would always be frustrated if that was all there was and that's an unfair expectation to put on someone who wasn't signing up for that.

3) I think only one in hundreds if not thousands of couples have the kind of intimacy that I would wish for.

to me this sounds kinda j. i've noticed how important it is for me to almost always feel like i'm on the same page as my partner. not being on the same page is an awful feeling. they are surprised that it affects me so much, because they are usually more grounded in what they know to be true for them. so not being on the same page sometimes it's as serious. with p types it can be difficult to make sure you are on the same page unless that page includes a lot of space for them to do what they want in the moment.

 

[phoenix13]

i would be interested to hear if there are infjs who are in relationships that are super-charged with emotional currency over the long haul.

Do you know where that super-charged emotional currency comes from? 1. Infatuation, and 2. Conflict/Resolution cycles.

Those cycles will wear you out FAST, and can be pretty painful. Then, if you're prone to negative cognitive distortions, you'll only remember the lows, and the highs will hold less weight. After a while, those lows pile up, and it's just not worth it anymore, so you break up. That's an "ideal" I'll pass on.

 

[21%]

Do you know where that super-charged emotional currency comes from? 1. Infatuation, and 2. Conflict/Resolution cycles.

Those cycles will wear you out FAST, and can be pretty painful. Then, if you're prone to negative cognitive distortions, you'll only remember the lows, and the highs will hold less weight. After a while, those lows pile up, and it's just not worth it anymore, so you break up. That's an "ideal" I'll pass on.

Oooh, that's so true. However, I feel that the conflict/resolution cycles are necessary for a couple to move forward in their relationship (provided that better understanding comes out of it, not just the same arguments over and over again).


For me, I don't think I'm looking for super-charged emotional currency in a relationship. I suppose it depends on how you define that 'super-charged emotional currency', too. If it's drama and unending conflict/resolution cycles, then I don't think it's healthy. However, I think a conflict-free relationship can still be emotionally-charged. Quality time, trust, cuddling, little walks together -- all these can be full of positive emotions.


State, I think the dynamics between NF-NT and other types can be really different. If you're an NF, an NT will help put your world into a more logical framework -- they balance you out, and that means you sort of have to meet in the middle -- between reason and feelings. In such a scenario, I don't think being too emotional is healthy, because obviously the NT doesn't go by that currency. An NF-NF pairing is different. It's more based on emotions and you have all the emotional fulfillment you will ever need -- but 'real life' just won't work that smoothly -- and sometimes you both feed off each other's emotions that you become too disconnected from the real world.

A lot of NFJs feel starved dating Ts. You just need a lot of communication and adjustments on both sides. However, sometimes that level of intimacy that you're looking for might be impossible to achieve in certain pairings or individuals. If they don't need that much emotional intimacy, you just cannot force them to do it. People don't change. They don't speak that language. Even when they try to learn they will never be able to speak it fluently. It doesn't mean they don't love you -- they just do in a different way. Sometimes, I guess we just need to ask ourselves what we really need in a relationship, and like fidelia said, if that's not the same thing that our partner wants, neither of us can feel truly fulfilled in the relationship. We just have to decide to accept it as it is or break up and move on.

 

[Thalassa]

Do you know where that super-charged emotional currency comes from? 1. Infatuation, and 2. Conflict/Resolution cycles.

Those cycles will wear you out FAST, and can be pretty painful. Then, if you're prone to negative cognitive distortions, you'll only remember the lows, and the highs will hold less weight. After a while, those lows pile up, and it's just not worth it anymore, so you break up. That's an "ideal" I'll pass on.

I agree. Those kinds of relationships are exhausting - I was in one for five years, and it's not realistic, I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life that way, and I couldn't imagine bringing a child into that shit.

I don't know that idealizing NTs is necessarily healthy either though...

I'm very traditionally feminine in the sense that I (not so) secretly believe that the man should be more rational than me, and that I should be able to look to him to maintain a certain level of stability. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with me having that preference, but the simple fact is that Ts have their weak spots too, and there's always the potential of feeling emotionally alienated by a T.

It really depends on the individual.

 

[the state i am in]

for the record, i'm currently in a very good relationship with an nt. i'm just interested in exploring this tension that seems to affect a lot of infjs. first step seems to be to gather some empirical information and see if any infjs attained the kind of super-emo-charged relationship they envisioned when young. and then listen to people who have since learned other things work better for them, or who have allowed an initial phase to mature w/o burning itself out.

the more i read about socionics type relations, the more i like it. the only thing i would say is that the descriptions seem really pessimistic and negatively focused, when behaviors don't have to always turn out in such a negative way.

for infjs, entp are illusionary/kindred (can be lazy and too easy), enfps are contrary and extinguishment (huge challenge and same weaknesses), intj is comparative and mirage (easy at first but can become stagnant), estp is dual (natural opposites that can balance each other), istp is activity partner (easy to be together and do things), isfp is benefactor, intp is beneficiary, istj is superego (mutual respect), and infp is quasi identical (tug of war).

i think i also want to point out that i think emotional currency, recognition, and inspiration can all feel like they're one thing, but in fact are different aspects that different people give us better and worse. i think recognition is the most important of all for infj.

i think the differences between sx, so, and sp infjs also makes a world of difference in how those find balance with others. sx/so and so/sx people find /sp grounding. sp people find so easy-going. i find sx to be more selfish than so much of the time. what sx wants, sx gets kind of attitude. for long-term success it seems like balancing these energies in addition to egos makes just as much of a difference.

as an e5, for instance, i actually find constant emotional experience completely exhausting. yet some how part of me still thinks i want it, even tho i know i don't and in fact avoid it much of the time.