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[MBTI General] NFP's and friends of the opposite sex

Joined
Apr 27, 2010
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infp
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What happens to the deep connections one may have with friends of the opposite sex, once they have established a long term commitment with someone, say in terms of marriage? Do any of you NFP's still maintain friendships with some of your old flames even while being in a committed relationship? How does it work out for you.

How does your opinion change of the person whom you devoted so much of your love towards, and what's to say that continuing to be around them, will not potentially rekindle the flame?
 

Rebe

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Do any of you NFP's still maintain friendships with some of your old flames even while being in a committed relationship?

I seriously struggle with this, it baffles me how people remain friends with people who they were once romantically interested in. I am quite stingy about my 'affection' and 'attention'. I would like to expand my circle of friends, I think that will be good for me, but at the same time, I don't know how without feeling sad of 'what could have been' or thinking 'hmm, what is wrong with me that he didn't want to be with me forever?', which is stupid and irrational. So, I am working on it but I don't know though. It's hard for me to care for someone as it is so when it gets to be between romantic relationships and platonic friendships, it confuses me, it's that gray area. Can you really be friends with someone you're still sexually attracted to? Sure, you have no future together, but...what if you still want to touch their face in a romantic way and hold their hand... Where are the boundaries? Hmm? :shock: I am working on it though, yup, yup. It's just a lot easier and it makes more sense for me to just stop being aware of their existence, for us to just move on.
 

demimondaine

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as i'm still a young thing, i can only speak based off of long term relationships appropriate to my age. however, i've found it difficult to be around "old flames", particularly the two i really connected with, while i've been in committed relationships.

in one case, the flame clearly still had an "agenda" for me, which sounds like strong language, given he's someone dear to me. however, it caused many complications, and i was unable to work things out with him to a point where i felt comfortable.

i don't think he respected my new relationship, and assumed that i would come back. i had to pretty much cut ties. things were complicated due to conflict of interests, but, more importantly, it showed me how little he actually understood me, or even listened.
 

Amargith

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I enjoy the chemistry and that's it. I like having a sexual connection with the other sex. It's natural and part of the appeal. Doesn't mean however I don't love my SO, or that everyone else fades in comparison to him. It just makes me feel close to my friends, and adds to how comfortable I feel around them. It took me a couple of years to figure this out, but I've found that nowadays I can quite comfortably enjoy the emotions those guys stir up in me,just enjoy the sensation, the closeness, the feeling of trust and being cared for and caring back, the feeling of being safe and sharing something special with someone without it being anything more than it has to be, right then and there. And this without even being concerned that it will rekindle whatever kind of flame or escalate into something that will hurt my SO.

So overall, I quite enjoy the experience. I do keep a close watch on it though, if I notice that the other party is struggling with it, I'll either discuss it with them or create more distance to give them a breather. Also, the rules are clear from the get go. That way, nobody gets disappointed, or deceived.
 
Joined
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Satine,
You may be able to control the sensations, but what about the guys that you hang out with, how do they control themselves and see things the same way you do. I would imagine that if you met a guy and were able to have this kind of connection with him, that would allow both of you to express feelings for each other, in which no physical contact was involved that might arouse jealousy or hurt in your SO, wouldn't this be a highly unique situation? I'd imagine that in situations like the one you described there is always someone who has hope that the relationship might become more. Your thoughts?
 

phoenix13

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I enjoy the chemistry and that's it. I like having a sexual connection with the other sex. It's natural and part of the appeal. Doesn't mean however I don't love my SO, or that everyone else fades in comparison to him. It just makes me feel close to my friends, and adds to how comfortable I feel around them. It took me a couple of years to figure this out, but I've found that nowadays I can quite comfortably enjoy the emotions those guys stir up in me,just enjoy the sensation, the closeness, the feeling of trust and being cared for and caring back, the feeling of being safe and sharing something special with someone without it being anything more than it has to be, right then and there. And this without even being concerned that it will rekindle whatever kind of flame or escalate into something that will hurt my SO.

So overall, I quite enjoy the experience. I do keep a close watch on it though, if I notice that the other party is struggling with it, I'll either discuss it with them or create more distance to give them a breather. Also, the rules are clear from the get go. That way, nobody gets disappointed, or deceived.

Wow...

Your attitude is stupid, and here's why:

Pros:
You get a little rush of emotion.

Cons:
The connection is tempting/seductive to you and/or guy
Guy struggles (sexually at least, emotionally at worst)
You somehow end up alone with guy, and cheat

Unless you have a sick need for drama, it's not worth it.
 
Last edited:

CrystalViolet

lab rat extraordinaire
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No, tried it. It doesn't work, unless you've had a significant amount of time away from each other, and had time to readjust, plus you know I tend to be so into my SO, other members of the opposite sex fade into the back ground. Ex's just don't register.
It's playing with fire otherwise, and I've been burnt.
 
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Right, I have acted the same way. Ex's fade away, and it takes a long while before you can even recognize the feelings that you used to have for them. I think this is primarily an INFP thing. The tendency to focus so intensely on one person at a time, necessarily precludes everyone else from your attention. But what happens when you begin to recognize that your current SO can potentially become another of those old flames that falls by the way side.

I would think, this thought, is what causes some of us idealists to try and maintain a more coherent, conscious and truthful connection with all of our friends and potential lovers, so that in case we should fall out of love with them, romantically, that shouldn't mean that we would throw the baby out with the bathwater, and completely dismiss them from our lives. By doing so, we would recognize our desire during the relationship to be as forthright and truthful as possible.

The INFP tendency then, to dismiss them from your life afterwards, would possibly insinuate that the love was never real to begin with. Which, cannot possibly be true, because there is no denying that the feelings were genuine during their occurrence but how dissapointing it becomes when that which you so much believed to be true (your love for that person) becomes almost lifeless when you part your ways.

Is this the motivation to keep old flames in our lives, for those of us who do? Is it based on the recognition that there was something of value that was created in that relationship that transcends the individual desires of each person. If that is so, than that can be a very powerful connection with that person.

What happens then, when someone who has maintained these deep relationships with people gets involved with someone new and is ready to settle down with that person? The person he/she settles down with, I think must be able to understand the value these relationships hold to their SO, but naturally would also wonder how they fit in, or where there place is in their SO's heart, if this heart is already occupied by others, in very profound ways.

Love is infinite, and there isn't a limited space that one can occupy in the heart, but nevertheless it is puzzling to me how someone might be able to divide their attention to all valued friendships and relationships that have made them who they are, once they settle down with someone. Is there anyone that has experienced this kind of dilemma?
 

Moiety

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I enjoy the chemistry and that's it. I like having a sexual connection with the other sex. It's natural and part of the appeal. Doesn't mean however I don't love my SO, or that everyone else fades in comparison to him. It just makes me feel close to my friends, and adds to how comfortable I feel around them. It took me a couple of years to figure this out, but I've found that nowadays I can quite comfortably enjoy the emotions those guys stir up in me,just enjoy the sensation, the closeness, the feeling of trust and being cared for and caring back, the feeling of being safe and sharing something special with someone without it being anything more than it has to be, right then and there. And this without even being concerned that it will rekindle whatever kind of flame or escalate into something that will hurt my SO.

How does sexual connection relate to anything you described afterwards?
 

Amargith

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Satine,
You may be able to control the sensations, but what about the guys that you hang out with, how do they control themselves and see things the same way you do. I would imagine that if you met a guy and were able to have this kind of connection with him, that would allow both of you to express feelings for each other, in which no physical contact was involved that might arouse jealousy or hurt in your SO, wouldn't this be a highly unique situation? I'd imagine that in situations like the one you described there is always someone who has hope that the relationship might become more. Your thoughts?


It usually is the natural result of getting to know each other and really clicking. To the point where you feel you can trust them and you have that natural inclination to touch them and even hug them, playfight with them etc etc. It creates that 'I feel safe and can count on him to have my back'-thing. Often, it gets combined with those adrenaline rushes if they come close enough and the 'what-if I was single' thoughts, but nothing else happens. It's enjoyable. And all of them know from the beginning (coz I make it a point to mention it repeatedly and outright tell them), that I'm merely enjoying their company and I am in fact happily taken and not looking for a mate. I also check with them regularly and tone down the intensity if they show signs of struggling. Usually, as we're that close, it's easy to tell. Some people are uncomfortable with this, those I will not even go that intense with. Others, like me, enjoy it for what it is. I rarely have any problems, and if there are any, those are dealt with efficiently and with minimal harm to anyone.

Wow...

Your attitude is stupid, and here's why:

Pros:
You get a little rush of emotion.

Cons:
The connection is tempting/seductive to you and/or guy
Guy struggles (sexually at least, emotionally at worst)
You somehow end up alone with guy, and cheat

Unless you have a sick need for drama, it's not worth it.


I've more than once walked the edge and had the opportunity to cheat, and not becoz I actively sought out the situation back then, but becoz it happened and I had to deal with it. I've never cheated. I consider it personally a lot more safe and smart to know what the f** you're doing, what's going to happen, having experience with this and knowing how to handle it while enjoying it and making it clear to all parties involved what's going on and what will happen. Tends to minimize all the broken heart shit you have to deal with. If this is going to happen, it might as well happen when you're actually prepared for it and can deal with it in a way that will not rip everyone's heart out. I see no reason why I should miss out on a great friend, just becoz something *might* happen. Given the right precautions and open communication, it's never really an issue, ime. I also consistently check with the other person to see if they are in fact ok with how things are and if it does in fact hurt them.

I've found that when I wasn't aware of this and it just 'happened', it left me blindsighted, and it became a huge mess as nobody saw it coming or knew how to respond properly to it. I just learned from that.

How does sexual connection relate to anything you described afterwards?

The sexual component for me is that if I were to be single, I'd consider having a relationship with them, as it's often the men that I feel safe and comfortable with that I have this bond with. Those two things are also immensely attractive to me in a potential mate. Since I'm not looking for a mate though, I just enjoy it for what it is :)

It's rare to find someone you can trust and feel safe with so I do enjoy it when that happens.
 

mr.awesome

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Do any of you NFP's still maintain friendships with some of your old flames even while being in a committed relationship?

it doesnt happen.
depending on the person i may still greet them and small talk with them, but my Fe does a complete 180 in the relationship and said 'flame' catches on and often no longer wants anything to do with me/ moves on.
works everytime 95% of the time.


How does your opinion change of the person whom you devoted so much of your love towards, and what's to say that continuing to be around them, will not potentially rekindle the flame?

i think of them as someone ive learned from. they were there for a reason and whatever i felt, i felt. all i ever really know is what i feel in the present moment and if im already in a devoted relationship im not going to focus on building upon any old love interests.
 

Poki

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In regards to the whole sexual thing. You have romantic, sexual, seductive, expression of love(making love) and they all intertwine to a degree that is actually extremely complicated.

For me romantic touch is not sexual unless read into, sexual touch feeds into desire through seduction as opposed to romance. Feelings of love can lead into making love, which peaks at a sexual experience. This is different then sex which I almost want to say peaks in the inticipation. All these things can interplay though depending on what each person brings to the table.

If you read into romantic touch you can cross the line mentally into making love, the same with seduction and sex. You are no longer in the moment, but in the future. You dont feel whats going on but feel what could happen. Eventually one of 2 things happen. You become immune to the possibility and enjoy it for what it is or you realize nothing is gonna happen and seek it out else where.

The problem is that even if you become immune to the possibility and what could happen, things will always happen that pique your interest. Sometimes this is intentional, sometimes its not.

Thoughts just are, feelings just are. Try to recognize when you cross between what is and what could be and know that the thought or feeling of what could be can easily kill what is. And that the feeling or thought of what could be was driven by the moment and when you destroy the moment you destroy the dreams.

Yes this loops around the other way as well in regards to destroying the dream which destroys the drive at which point you seek things elsewhere and this ties back into what I said about realizing nothing is gonna happen.
 

experimental human

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Do any of you NFP's still maintain friendships with some of your old flames even while being in a committed relationship?

Not usually, I fit the ENFP stereotype of sticking around far too long for my own good. By the time a relationship has ended, there's usually nothing that would really make me want to keep the connection alive.

How does your opinion change of the person whom you devoted so much of your love towards, and what's to say that continuing to be around them, will not potentially rekindle the flame?

There is one ex, that I wanted to remain friends with. She broke it off with me. I may have had a bit of my old feelings for her, but I didn't go looking for her, until about a year after our relationship had ended. When I found her, she was in a pretty serious relationship. I kept it extremely friendly, because I certainly had no desire to mess that up, but she started sending me racy texts, making it pretty obvious, that a friendship was, unfortunately, not possible. I just let her be, and silently disappeared.

What happens to the deep connections one may have with friends of the opposite sex, once they have established a long term commitment with someone, say in terms of marriage?

This is a bit of a different question, and something I struggle with a lot, because most of my friends are women. None of them are married, at the moment, but their lovers usually feel threatened by the emotional connection between us. I can't say anything, so do most of the women I date. There's usually some redefining of things between us, less flirting, less time spent together, things like that. It's a little hard to deal with, because I miss the closeness, but I make an effort to make it clear to their guys, that I'm the least threatening guy on the face of the planet. I don't believe in helping people cheat. I won't say that I haven't, but that was quite some time ago, and I quickly came to realize the error of my ways.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
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In regards to the whole sexual thing. You have romantic, sexual, seductive, expression of love(making love) and they all intertwine to a degree that is actually extremely complicated.

For me romantic touch is not sexual unless read into, sexual touch feeds into desire through seduction as opposed to romance. Feelings of love can lead into making love, which peaks at a sexual experience. This is different then sex which I almost want to say peaks in the inticipation. All these things can interplay though depending on what each person brings to the table.

If you read into romantic touch you can cross the line mentally into making love, the same with seduction and sex. You are no longer in the moment, but in the future. You dont feel whats going on but feel what could happen. Eventually one of 2 things happen. You become immune to the possibility and enjoy it for what it is or you realize nothing is gonna happen and seek it out else where.

The problem is that even if you become immune to the possibility and what could happen, things will always happen that pique your interest. Sometimes this is intentional, sometimes its not.

Thoughts just are, feelings just are. Try to recognize when you cross between what is and what could be and know that the thought or feeling of what could be can easily kill what is. And that the feeling or thought of what could be was driven by the moment and when you destroy the moment you destroy the dreams.

Yes this loops around the other way as well in regards to destroying the dream which destroys the drive at which point you seek things elsewhere and this ties back into what I said about realizing nothing is gonna happen.

The STP gets it! :wubbie: :yes: :yes: :yes:

Just enjoying what is can be perfect and more than enough. It doesn't have to lead anywhere, as you know it would only complicate things and cause harm. Doesn't mean you don't smile occasionally at the potential there ;)
 
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I don't disagree with the idea of being firmly embedded in the moment, and learning to accept whatever comes, and going with the flow of emotion as it happens. It is very exciting and requires a lot of focus and your special attention, which can be very fulfilling if both people are on that same "wavelength". It makes one feel very alive!

However, it just seems crazy to me that this is how "open" we have to be as individuals. I mean underlying this kind of mentality is the idea that if you keep your mind and heart open all the time like this, you are liable to make a deep connection with just about anyone. All you have to do is remain alert and aware of your surroundings at all times. I don't disagree with this either, but when it comes to romantic relationships, it just seems to be a recipe for disaster, especially once someone has settled down with an SO. At that point, I think one must begin to control their awareness and alertness towards the moment, or else they will be recieving and perhaps sending unwarranted signals towards the opposite sex that can potentially be harmful to a long term commitment.
 

kiddykat

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What happens to the deep connections one may have with friends of the opposite sex, once they have established a long term commitment with someone, say in terms of marriage? Do any of you NFP's still maintain friendships with some of your old flames even while being in a committed relationship? How does it work out for you.

How does your opinion change of the person whom you devoted so much of your love towards, and what's to say that continuing to be around them, will not potentially rekindle the flame?
For me- it's Hell No territory.

I rather not go there. I don't want to rehash something (sexual tension, emotional/or otherwise). I don't like the idea of playing with people's emotions, either consciously or unconsciously. I keep distance out of respect for boundaries. If I see something that's escalateable/preventable- I do so ASAP.
 

Poki

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I don't disagree with the idea of being firmly embedded in the moment, and learning to accept whatever comes, and going with the flow of emotion as it happens. It is very exciting and requires a lot of focus and your special attention, which can be very fulfilling if both people are on that same "wavelength". It makes one feel very alive!

However, it just seems crazy to me that this is how "open" we have to be as individuals. I mean underlying this kind of mentality is the idea that if you keep your mind and heart open all the time like this, you are liable to make a deep connection with just about anyone. All you have to do is remain alert and aware of your surroundings at all times. I don't disagree with this either, but when it comes to romantic relationships, it just seems to be a recipe for disaster, especially once someone has settled down with an SO. At that point, I think one must begin to control their awareness and alertness towards the moment, or else they will be recieving and perhaps sending unwarranted signals towards the opposite sex that can potentially be harmful to a long term commitment.

That focus and attention is my wall that protects me. The focus and attention though is also only present when in certain types of relationships and I know for me its even more present since I have an SO. In the case of 2 people who have similiar concepts in regards to walls you end up with both having a barrier as opposed to one trying every way possible to breach the others wall. Its more like play fighting where if one finds an opening they get in and then close it up. You help find the weaknesses so you can strengthen them.

As you learn certain types you learn better and quicker where the weaknesses are, you learn when to push them, how to push them, and how to close them up. You can start to really play in lots of different areas as you get stronger. Instead of relying on offensive attacks you play very defensively.

Yes the old flame thing can be harder and takes more time and caution because there are so many holes that need to be strengthened and closed up.
 
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That focus and attention is my wall that protects me. The focus and attention though is also only present when in certain types of relationships and I know for me its even more present since I have an SO. In the case of 2 people who have similiar concepts in regards to walls you end up with both having a barrier as opposed to one trying every way possible to breach the others wall. Its more like play fighting where if one finds an opening they get in and then close it up. You help find the weaknesses so you can strengthen them.

I like the way you describe this, and it makes sense if both people wish to remain themselves, and maintain their integrity as individuals in the case that they will not always be together. In other words it seems like an ideal situation for people who recognize that this world is corrupt and no one can really be trusted, including themselves with each other.

It actually sounds like your describing a diplomatic war, in which each nation agrees to not take advantage of the other, but I wonder, what keeps them bound to this agreement when the intense emotional affection slowly wears away?
 

Poki

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I like the way you describe this, and it makes sense if both people wish to remain themselves, and maintain their integrity as individuals in the case that they will not always be together. In other words it seems like an ideal situation for people who recognize that this world is corrupt and no one can really be trusted, including themselves with each other.

It actually sounds like your describing a diplomatic war, in which each nation agrees to not take advantage of the other, but I wonder, what keeps them bound to this agreement when the intense emotional affection slowly wears away?

Once the intense emotional affection wears away do you really need a wall since these are the things the wall is protecting from?

edit: you tear down the walls slowly paying attention to things the strengthening helped make you aware of.
 

luminous beam

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I noticed a while ago that I have kept most of my "old flames" as friends, the ones that I had formed strong connections to in particular. There are few in there that had hurt me too much (though I attempted to forgive them), ones that did not respect boundaries and others that I just did not get along with that were definitely tossed aside into the abyss for good haha. So what is it that makes me keep in touch w/old flames? Well, I think it is because I care about them. I recognized that I care for them despite how I may have felt romantically about them in the past, I wish them well as human beings.

I have honestly given so many old flames advice on the opposite sex, like telling them how to get the girl, or how to keep the girl happy etc. I think that I no longer really have that intense attraction I may have once had with these guys. Usually, once it sinks in that we're not together anymore, those flames die for me.

There are a few guys that I had intense physical chemistry with and even though I am open to online friendship, I do not hang out with them in person. The reason is obvious, physical attraction is equivalent to sexual attraction. Also, some ppl are definitely more sexual than others. When you get ppl like that together, they're bound to fuck haha...but I digress.

In terms of having a significant other and respecting their wishes and avoiding causing any complications it all really varies on the independent parties. Some SOs are more insecure than others, some may trust you, some may not (with or w/o good reason). You also have to know yourself as a person and know your limits. If you are aware of this you will be in control of the situation. In my opinion, the people who "won't dare tread those waters" do it for one of three reasons: 1)because they doubt their own self control or their old flame's and the potential of seduction 2) they may also be insecure and do not want to cross any lines and offend their SOs in fear that they might leave them or do the same to them 3) they have strong personal values or principles that are firmly state "do not go there because nothing will be gained from it".
 
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