[NF] Freaking NFJs... How do I know you mean it?!

[Gamine]

Dear NFJs,

I've been fascinated by you for a while now and find myself in full fledged social lives involving you! Where we talk and stuff! I think you are all grand, and I like the influx of NFJ in my life, but with all the squishiness and safety and emotional hooplah you bring, how do I know you mean it? How do I know that you are being genuine? That I'm not just another person you want to crack open, fix and leave only to find a greater emotional idiot who needs your brand of help?

I like it, I want to keep it. Like being domesticated, but in a way I don't completely resent. In a way I might one day maybe perhaps admit that I enjoy. Maybe.

How do I know?

 

[Fidelia]

If you start hearing negative stuff from us, particularly about yourself, you'll know you're in. It's not usually worth having conflict/jeopardizing the relationship unless we really care and it is going to have a long term impact on us both.

EDIT: [The only exception to that is if we have to work with you/have some ongoing interaction with you that requires getting things figured out enough that we can deal with each other with a minimum of frustration, then you'll hear what you need to.]

It should be noted though that the nut-cracking is always genuine, not just done out of distant, scientific curiosity. I think we have just as genuine a wish to be understood as we do to figure out others and how they tick. Very few people tend to bother to delve very far and ask questions.

 

[Glycerine]

^ I agree with Fidelia. When the NFJ becomes really blunt with you, you're in. For example, they will start calling your bluff and will let you in on their critical thoughts.

 

[Phoenix_400]

Dear NFJs,

I've been fascinated by you for a while now and find myself in full fledged social lives involving you! Where we talk and stuff! I think you are all grand, and I like the influx of NFJ in my life, but with all the squishiness and safety and emotional hooplah you bring, how do I know you mean it? How do I know that you are being genuine? That I'm not just another person you want to crack open, fix and leave only to find a greater emotional idiot who needs your brand of help?

I like it, I want to keep it. Like being domesticated, but in a way I don't completely resent. In a way I might one day maybe perhaps admit that I enjoy. Maybe.

How do I know?

hmmmm
Don't give in too quick. Make 'em work to crack ya. Not unreasonably or anything, just enough to know they consider you worth the effort.

Be self-sufficient. Don't count on them to fix your problems. If they hang around when you're doing well, it probably means something. If they're nowhere to be found unless you're in a crisis, consider yourself 'just a project'. Then its time to move on.

Granted, you're always gonna spend more time around someone you care about when they're in a hurt, but there's a balance. Watch the scales.

*shrug* That's about the best I got. No promises on any of it bein' right, though.

EDIT:
Can't entirely agree with the 'being blunt' thing in the above posts. Couple of types I've known in RL don't pull their punches for very long with anybody. I can say you're starting to mean something when THEY start talking to YOU about THEIR problems. Buggers are good at keepin' the spotlight off themselves with that kinda thing. Took me a while to catch on to that.

 

[Glycerine]

GAIN HER TRUST.... that's key. NFJs tend to be very guarded and calculated with relationships.

 

[Skyward]

GAIN HER TRUST.... that's key. NFJs tend to be very guarded and calculated with relationships.

+1

 

[Lux]

It should be noted though that the nut-cracking is always genuine, not just done out of distant, scientific curiosity. I think we have just as genuine a wish to be understood as we do to figure out others and how they tick. Very few people tend to bother to delve very far and ask questions.

^ This is good, and the bolded is particularly true. I don't get to know people I don't have a genuine interest in.

Also, not all NFJ's want to 'fix' someone and move on to someone else to be 'fixed.' I don't. I love helping people, and if my friends get something like that out of the relationship, then that's great, but I don't have a secret repair shop agenda; nor do I collect.

 

[ReadingRainbows]

Dear NFJs,

I've been fascinated by you for a while now and find myself in full fledged social lives involving you! Where we talk and stuff! I think you are all grand, and I like the influx of NFJ in my life, but with all the squishiness and safety and emotional hooplah you bring, how do I know you mean it? How do I know that you are being genuine? That I'm not just another person you want to crack open, fix and leave only to find a greater emotional idiot who needs your brand of help?

I like it, I want to keep it. Like being domesticated, but in a way I don't completely resent. In a way I might one day maybe perhaps admit that I enjoy. Maybe.

How do I know?

Bite them and infect with NTP germs. duh.

 

[Lightyear]

Dear NFJs,

I think you are all grand, and I like the influx of NFJ in my life, but with all the squishiness and safety and emotional hooplah you bring, how do I know you mean it? How do I know that you are being genuine? That I'm not just another person you want to crack open, fix and leave only to find a greater emotional idiot who needs your brand of help?

How can I put it... The fact that I as an INFJ try to crack you open and fix you means that I care about you, just trying to fix any random person would be far too emotionally exhausting for me. ENFJs might be different in this regard though.

 

[Quay]

Dear NFJs,

I've been fascinated by you for a while now and find myself in full fledged social lives involving you! Where we talk and stuff! I think you are all grand, and I like the influx of NFJ in my life, but with all the squishiness and safety and emotional hooplah you bring, how do I know you mean it? How do I know that you are being genuine? That I'm not just another person you want to crack open, fix and leave only to find a greater emotional idiot who needs your brand of help?

I like it, I want to keep it. Like being domesticated, but in a way I don't completely resent. In a way I might one day maybe perhaps admit that I enjoy. Maybe.

How do I know?

Few things are done out of the sake of just doing them....

Like others said, it seems we only get close to those we have a genuine interest in. Take it as a compliment. I prefer not to be bothered with most people, and mostly because of the energy folks give out, like they have alterior motives. Natural repellant for me.

I absolutely do not seek out random people with problems so I can fix them. tee hee. I'm just drawn to certain people and I trust the instinct. Fixing a person is not the goal (maybe subconsciously idaknow), but if talking with someone helps the person discover more about self, makes that person happier, then it's a plus.

 

[Charmed Justice]

I absolutely do not seek out random people with problems so I can fix them. tee hee. I'm just drawn to certain people and I trust the instinct. Fixing a person is not the goal (maybe subconsciously idaknow), but if talking with someone helps the person discover more about self, makes that person happier, then it's a plus.

+1

 

[cafe]

I do hold myself back with people to some degree, even when befriending them. What determines the dynamic of the relationship, to me, is whether a person can give as well as take in the same currency, so to speak. If I listen to your problems and allow you to vent, affirming you and validating your feelings but when I have something going on, you give me a pat answer or tell me why I'm wrong to feel that way or offer me solutions like I'm an idiot, I might still be your friend, but you won't necessarily be mine.

 

[Quay]

If I listen to your problems and allow you to vent, affirming you and validating your feelings but when I have something going on, you give me a pat answer or tell me why I'm wrong to feel that way or offer me solutions like I'm an idiot, I might still be your friend, but you won't necessarily be mine.

This too....

 

[Lux]

If I listen to your problems and allow you to vent, affirming you and validating your feelings but when I have something going on, you give me a pat answer or tell me why I'm wrong to feel that way or offer me solutions like I'm an idiot, I might still be your friend, but you won't necessarily be mine.

+2
Well written.

 

[Fidelia]

I agree with cafe - or even if I still consider you my friend, I will wall off most of the parts of me that really matter, because they are not valued or treated with the same respect I would have for yours.

 

[Sarcasticus]

I do hold myself back with people to some degree, even when befriending them. What determines the dynamic of the relationship, to me, is whether a person can give as well as take in the same currency, so to speak. If I listen to your problems and allow you to vent, affirming you and validating your feelings but when I have something going on, you give me a pat answer or tell me why I'm wrong to feel that way or offer me solutions like I'm an idiot, I might still be your friend, but you won't necessarily be mine.

^ Believe it.

 

[the state i am in]

this might sound cold but i don't hang out with people unless they have something to offer me. i like feeling loose and more open at times socially, and when there's someone who needs the kind of help i can provide i'll usually provide it--but my friends are the people who help me become a better person and who improve my life.

it's rarely one-sided by any means. but if i don't feel like it is strengthening me in some way, or that i am really enjoying myself, or that my interests are as relevant as the interests of the other person, i'm not gonna call. my best friends are those who can recognize me to the core or those who can teach me about the world. almost exclusively nps.

i'd like some more injs in my life.

 

[Gamine]

So, if I'm a person you talk to when stuff is going on in your life (good, bad, messy, random) I'm "in"?

 

[Glycerine]

I guess so... just as long as it's not all superficial.

 

[Phantonym]

So, if I'm a person you talk to when stuff is going on in your life (good, bad, messy, random) I'm "in"?

It's at least a sign that they're feeling comfortable enough around you to share their lives with you and they trust you. So, you might be moving towards the "in" status.

I guess so... just as long as it's not all superficial.

Agreed. A distinction has to be made whether the information that is shared is something more deeper and personal or it's only "small talk".