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[NF] Freaking NFJs... How do I know you mean it?!

cafe

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So, if I'm a person you talk to when stuff is going on in your life (good, bad, messy, random) I'm "in"?
Probably. Especially if you are safe to show strong emotion around.

Edit: Pertaining to the points above, it can be tricky to tell with an INFJ, at least, what is deep and personal and what is small talk. Confusing, I know. Sorry.
 
G

Glycerine

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Probably. Especially if you are safe to show strong emotion around.

Edit: Pertaining to the points above, it can be tricky to tell with an INFJ, at least, what is deep and personal and what is small talk. Confusing, I know. Sorry.
I think "deep and personal" is when NFJs show the emotional/vulnerable side along with the content and "small talk" is when NFJs just say the content matter-of-factly in an objective manner. What do you think?
 

cascadeco

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So, if I'm a person you talk to when stuff is going on in your life (good, bad, messy, random) I'm "in"?

Most likely, but not always. I've been known to be pretty open with people I've just met (because there's nothing to lose, or I may never see them again), but if it's a *regular* occurrence, and I'd say especially if he/she's being more raw with emotions...yes, you're probably 'in'. :)

Anyway -- this may vary from one INFJ to another. But, for myself, when I actually start talking about my feelings & beliefs, more controversial things, or really try to share a lot about myself (rather than focusing on the other person and trying to get them to open up to me), I am investing in the relationship and trust you enough to treat what I share with respect and understanding. And it probably means that even if I know our beliefs/views are different, that you'll still treat my views as equally valid as I would treat yours.

I'm also someone who doesn't really sustain the casual friendship/acquaintance thing..at least in the longterm. I'm either really close to you, or if not, then I don't see a purpose in keeping you in my life. Sort of what the_state was saying. I'm all about both people getting something out of the relationship and growing/supporting one another. I'll tactfully (to the best of my ability) remove acquaintances from my life if I sense they see me as more of a friend and connection than I can reciprocate.
 

Fidelia

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If I share something when I'm actually still processing it and am vulnerable, rather than just telling about it after, that probably is the difference for me. Pitseleh said it well. I second though that what some people might consider deep and personal to share is something I might share quite easily. On the other hand, something like a music or book or person I really like wouldn't be a big deal to someone, but to me it is if someone makes a comment rejecting it, because it reflects me and what matters to me. Therefore, I am only open about those kinds of things, or about ideas/beliefs that are important to me once I feel it is safe to share it and it will be treated respectfully.
 
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Phantonym

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I think "deep and personal" is when NFJs show the emotional/vulnerable side along with the content and "small talk" is when NFJs just say the content matter-of-factly in an objective manner. What do you think?

I think you are spot on. :smile:

If I share something when I'm actually still processing it and am vulnerable, rather than just telling about it after, that probably is the difference for me. Pitseleh said it well. I second though that what some people might consider deep and personal to share is something I might share quite easily. On the other hand, something like a music or book or person I really like wouldn't be a big deal to someone, but to me it is if someone makes a comment rejecting it, because it reflects me and what matters to me. Therefore, I am only open about those kinds of things, or about ideas/beliefs that are important to me once I feel it is safe to share it and it will be treated respectfully.

To the bolded: people are very different and, considering this thread, I think you can't really know if NFJ's mean "it" unless you've gotten to know them well and are able to pick up on the nuances. This isn't really helpful, sorry, but that's just how things are. :D
 

the state i am in

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So, if I'm a person you talk to when stuff is going on in your life (good, bad, messy, random) I'm "in"?

yeah, if i'm sharing something that's not finished, it's definitely because you're in. it's pretty easy to tell--only a handful of people can get me to open up when i'm not in my best state. those people are the most valuable to me.
 

Skyward

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yeah, if i'm sharing something that's not finished, it's definitely because you're in. it's pretty easy to tell--only a handful of people can get me to open up when i'm not in my best state. those people are the most valuable to me.

Word, I say!

This especially true when we're in a closed-up, bad mood. The only people we are willing to deal with more than minimally are the friends we're close to. Those people are people we feel like we can be ourselves with. Basically, if there's a click, we automatically like you unless you call us out on our weak points. For example, I hate it when people call me dumb for being socially maladjusted, or if they call me out on my logic in a tone that logic is a 'duh' subject that I must be too dumb to understand. If I can't say everything around you, why should I say anything?

This can be tough for well meaning people that just don't 'get' us. We screen every action (that we notice) through our Ni/Fe to judge what stance you are taking with us. If it's a 'WTF are you talking about, make sense!' half the time, there is no way we'll open up. In my case, if you can be casual with us, we open up fairly quickly. Probably why I make more male xxxP friends than any other kind of person, since they're not as judgmental (All the female ExxPs I know, ugh, it feels like I'm being judged harsher than I judge anyone else!)

Anyway, be yourself. If it doesn't work out when you're yourself, it never will work out.
 

cafe

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I think "deep and personal" is when NFJs show the emotional/vulnerable side along with the content and "small talk" is when NFJs just say the content matter-of-factly in an objective manner. What do you think?
Yeah, I think so.
 

Domino

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You'll know if you've cracked me open. I'll be wearing an unmistakable "WTH?! I'm a goner!? Whaddya mean, Domino?! We didn't authorize this!!" face paired with some level of blushing and/or silence. A favorite trick of my ENTP ex to end a verbal sparring match was simply to invade my space. It was like dropping an A-bomb on me. I'd turn into a mess. I get quite gooey. *grumblestupidviscositygrumblegrumble*

As a friend, I'll seek you out frequently for advice or just to joke around. I'll ask you a lot of personal questions. I'll roll you around on the floor and poke at various places like a curious monkey.

WHOA. Edit: State has said it perfectly.
 

Lauren

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yeah, if i'm sharing something that's not finished, it's definitely because you're in. it's pretty easy to tell--only a handful of people can get me to open up when i'm not in my best state. those people are the most valuable to me.

Yes definitely, for me. I only have a handful of people that I can do this with as well. One I have feelings for and I have opened up with him at very intense in-the-process moments that I wouldn't have thought I would have ever been able to do. He has done the same. When I allow myself to be this vulnerable to someone, it's special. I never, ever say anything to this person but the truth of how I feel or the truth about anything (my mistakes and all) and I always listen to him without judgment. The ability to share something that's not finished, that trust, opens the door to deeper intimacy and trust.
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

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You don't. And not to sound doomsdayish, but watch carefully that the door doesn't hit you in the ass when we slam it. :)
 

Malkavia

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Im sure that does wonders for his opinions NFJs...
 

Malkavia

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Gamine,

If you want my personal opinion. If you think youre close enough to them (whoever you made this post for), steer them towards that deep kind of conversation and just come out and ask them. Put all your cards on the table. My best friend is an ENFJ, due to my insecurities and my wonderful Ne and Fi functions I started making conclusions that werent real. Anything he did would be further proof he really didnt like me or wasnt truly my friend.

Eventually I came out, put all my cards on the table, and told him my problems. Through this he told me that I was the closest friend hes ever had and only his twin has ever reached the point I have with him. He opened up to me on a completely different level. Sometimes you have to just put it out there and watch what happens.

I dont know what your situation is but in my experience if you ask an NFJ a question and ask them to be completely and brutally honest to you, they will. (Just be careful what you wish for)
 
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Phantonym

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You don't. And not to sound doomsdayish, but watch carefully that the door doesn't hit you in the ass when we slam it. :)

:yes: :laugh:

Sometimes you have to just put it out there and watch what happens.

You should also be prepared for things not going that well at all after you've put "it" out there. Just saying.

I dont know what your situation is but in my experience if you ask an NFJ a question and ask them to be completely and brutally honest to you, they will. (Just be careful what you wish for)

That's true.
 

Malkavia

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You should also be prepared for things not going that well at all after you've put "it" out there. Just saying.

That's true.

But for me its just better to be completely honest about how I feel. After all thats part of my personality, if they arent able to handle that then it wouldn't be a good friendship anyway.
 
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Phantonym

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That's true.

But for me its just better to be completely honest about how I feel. After all thats part of personality, if they arent able to handle that then it wouldn't be a good friendship anyway.

Absolutely. :cheers:
 

Domino

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So the door gets to do all the butt touching?
 

Z Buck McFate

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yeah, if i'm sharing something that's not finished, it's definitely because you're in. it's pretty easy to tell--only a handful of people can get me to open up when i'm not in my best state. those people are the most valuable to me.

I think Ni+Fe can come up with some very raw, ‘out there’ stuff sometimes, and bouncing it off another person is kind of like trying something on and looking in a mirror to see how it looks. It’s NOT a finished product- it’s our way of testing the information. I’m nowhere near comfortable bouncing it off people who don’t ‘get’ that it’s unfinished test product.

This can be tough for well meaning people that just don't 'get' us.

Yeah, some people do mean well- but they really don’t instinctively ‘get’ it. I may like them, but there’s no way in hell I feel willing to freely share my unfinished thoughts with them.

So the door gets to do all the butt touching?

Only for the people who don't get 'in'. For the people who make it past the gates, it's a butt touching free-for-all.
 

the state i am in

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I think Ni+Fe can come up with some very raw, ‘out there’ stuff sometimes, and bouncing it off another person is kind of like trying something on and looking in a mirror to see how it looks. It’s NOT a finished product- it’s our way of testing the information. I’m nowhere near comfortable bouncing it off people who don’t ‘get’ that it’s unfinished test product.

yeah, and worst of all, i don't know what's valuable until i realize how others interpret value. i need the context in order to understand how something is purposeful for others, because i need other meanings in order to synthesize them and find my own understanding. the actual position i take is still difficult.
 
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