[INFP] INFP: how can you start being decisive & not putting-off your life?

[Glycerine]

Pitseleh: can u explain your question more? what do you mean by "need more direction"?

I mean is it YOU who wants to change or do feel the pressure to change from your father? It is your choice or is your father pressuring you to change? haha nevermind, you can disregard the question.

 

[paradox fox]

Thank you for sharing, Niki.

I've often felt like everyone else is on top of their lives, and I'm the only one lagging behind, I'm the only procrastinator, blah blah blah... It's not true. I don't know if you've ever had thoughts like that, but if you have, well, there are billions of people in this world and you can count on most of them not being on top of it all.

And it does suck that everything in this world is all about money, money, money. Even the purest, sweetest thing as music.

But listen. Do you like having a positive impact on people's lives? Do you like to help people learn and grow as much as you do? Do you get along pretty well with most people, or at least have the patience to try? Maybe you should be a music teacher. Teach your particular instrument(s) or teach music theory. It'd be great.

Either that, or you could learn to find contentment in a simple life. Choose a career that gives you more time rather than more money. Simplify your life. That way you can pursue your passion and be satisfied. Find something to enjoy at least mildly about this day job you'll find, whether it's the people, the organization, the location, whatever. Think positive.

I didn't read the whole thread, so I hope I'm not just repeating what everyone else said.

 

[niki]

@paradox_fox : thank you for your reply,
it hit straight on the primary cause(ie: having positive impact on this world), that could really be my burning fuel, in this seemingly 'cold, harsh' world (although I'm sure there are also warm places & people in this world as well! I just need to keep searching, and connect with them, to inspire me constantly).

I also like your idea of finding contentment in living simple life.
you're right, having big money, and managing around it, seems to be not suitable for me.
'cuz it usually means you have to live in very fast-paced life, while I'm usually more towards more slow, "the Observer" role.
I'd rather lower my standard of living, yet live peacefully and happily, also in doing my job, since a job takes about 3/4th of a human's life.

 

[infpBlog]

I'm 32, and currently going through bankruptcy for attempting to create the dream bussiness. Do I regret? Hell, no. For six months, I was free. Would I do it again? Probably not, and I'd plan better next time. I'm a little deflated at losing everything, I built up, but you know what I gave it a shot.

Everyone that I've every read about that became wealthy has had at least one bankruptcy. It's the people that take the biggest risks to move outside their comfort zone that get rewarded most in the long run.

 

[CrystalViolet]

Everyone that I've every read about that became wealthy has had at least one bankruptcy. It's the people that take the biggest risks to move outside their comfort zone that get rewarded most in the long run.

Ha! Ha! A couple of friends have said to me, they reckon I'll be a millionare in ten-twenty years time. Certainly I learnt a few harsh lessons. I don't feel like I failed though. I feel like I ran out of time and money. I just have to go back to the drawing board. One thing is fo' sure I really have to get out of my line of work, but for now, I have a secure job and supportive co-workers.

 

[21%]

Ha! Ha! A couple of friends have said to me, they reckon I'll be a millionare in ten-twenty years time. Certainly I learnt a few harsh lessons. I don't feel like I failed though. I feel like I ran out of time and money. I just have to go back to the drawing board. One thing is fo' sure I really have to get out of my line of work, but for now, I have a secure job and supportive co-workers.

I love your attitude FireyPheonix! It's totally inspirational!

 

[Iriohm]

*warning:
it's going to be a serious sharing from me, which I need a kind advices/opinions from fellow INFPs here*

so here it goes:

My dad last night just argued heavily with me, and quite frustrated with how I've become with my life.. of how very dissapointed & crushed he is to see my current state, ie: I still haven't succesfully 'become' or DO anything.

I will turn 28 this august (and how I hate growing older with passion, how I often wish I could turn back time, go back to my childhood, and this time started doing things more differently into what *I* like, not what others told me!..).
I'm still 'working' in a family-business now as my day job, and the reason I said 'working',...is because my dad (& everybody else in the family-business, ie: cousin, uncle) already know that I have zero passion/heart in there, and hence, after all these 7 years I'm here (yes,..that long! it's all because of my 'soft' INFP nature, and my indecisiveness, which I'll explain in frustration below), I don't do, or become anything!
I also seem to dislike any 'corporate' job suggestion that my dad used to offer me.

meanwhile,..I always, always love music with all my heart, in fact, Music is very inseparable with me, I myself am a musician/songwriter/composer.
ever since I returned back here to my home-country (ie: Indonesia) 7 yrs ago (in year 2003), I've been forming, and also got involved in few bands , but unfortunately, except the last one, it's all just a combination of lack of seriousness, lack of commitment, experiences & "industry" knowledge (yes...music is, sadly, heavily related with the word 'industry' & 'business' :/ )
,basically just "playing around" without what I'm (we're) doing.

the last one (around two years ago) was a serious one, but unfortunately, we clashed, due to differences in skills (ie: I'm the main songwriter, and also an arranger, and I'm perfectionistic in nature, so often, other members have a 'difficult' time with me) , and also attitude/personality (the vocalist (female) is quite a temperamental & easily-angry person, and there's some "elitism" and "favoritism" in the group, which became unhealthy).

But long story short, basically now I want to start again, the path of being a true "professional" musician/songwriter/composer.
but my dad always stressed me to STOP PLAYING AROUND, and get a REAL job.
and being an 'understanding' eldest son of him,..I can somewhat understand that he actually meant well, ie: he basically want to see me have good (or 'BIG') enough money to be able to finance myself, my living, and later when I have a family, house, car, etc, and also,..as a part of usual Chinese (asian) culture, to be able to support him (& my mom) in their old days.

.
I am heavily stressed now,..because of several facts:
1. My dad is getting older, he's going to turn 60 in few years
2. his business & financial condition of the family is not going very well in these recent years (compared to those 'happy' past 10, 15 years ago).
it's very very frustrating to see this, but it's a Reality.
2. thus, he seems to start putting more responsibilities on me, as his eldest son (which so far has been nothing but big dissapointment to him,..he said that himself...it break my heart so much,..but it's also a fact)

and,

3. which is the main topic of this thread:
being an INFP myself, I've now realized that I've basically spent my 7 years being "too laid-back" about these kind of serious things, even admitedly, I've been 'escaping' too much to run from the pains of Reality, ie: I often hide & sleep in my office/factory, browsing Internet endlessly, watching anime & playing video-games, communicating with online & Youtube friends, etc etc .

but only last night,..after some serious frustrated anger from him,
I've started to realize, and got 'hard-slapped' on my face by REALITY,
...........that I'm such a 'loser' , I've become or done NOTHING proudful to my dad,..that I am a very spoiled young 'adult' ,
that's been living life too laid-back (I've started to feel that all my "niceness" & "warmness" that many people seem to acknowledge & appreciate to become an USELESS thing, in this HARD COLD REALISTIC WORLD!).

sorry,.....I've suddenly vented.

I don't know what else to say..
worse, I even don't know what is the RIGHT thing to do, to please & make my dad (parents) happy, and I even don't know - being a "weird" INFP who seem to have a world-apart differences in terms of perspective, hope, and ambitions with my dad - if I'll ever make him happy/proud of my 'uniqueness' !
I feel worthless, an indecisive nobody at this point!


my point is:
all these "I am indecisive by nature because I'm an INFP" only might seems 'cute' when we're still like in our early teens, up 'till 23, 24 yrs old.
but once you're turning 25, or hell, about to turn 30 in few years (like me),
all those 'rosy, colorful' world that I've always seen, felt, & also shared,
ALL seems to start crumbling down, in the hard face of Reality, that it's all about Money & being smart at it! ...such a 'cold' world, I've felt.. but it's a reality.
"don't be damn naive like a little kid", my dad often told me that,...and I guess he's right.


Main question:
Fellow INFPs, reading my story above, and also according to your OWN experiences now, have you succesfully dealt with your indecisiveness, "putting-off life" nature of yours?
(because we all know, that EVERY kind of job needs a true, SOLID consistent efforts, instead of sporadic huge interests only in the beginning!)

how did/have you handled that?

and how to stop "putting off lives",
and to start getting serious in Life,
especially,..if it's going to be following your passion, which probably "out of mainstream", and don't pay much money (to make a living, and to eat??)

how did you handled all of this,
and how can you become something proudful to your parents??....

or,.....is it actually quite a near-impossible thing to achieve,
as an INFPs ?
will it always forever be our 'fate/destiny'
to run 'scattered', and forever wondering in our life, about the "unfairness" of Life, and on "what should I be doing in this 'Realistic' world??", and "what I'm going to do is going to be a very few, or less travelled path?"


Please help..
'cuz this indecisiveness and 'escaping reality' nature has started to crush me real bad,..and I need to 'wake up' and DO something really really quick! (since I'm going to be 28,...no more "playing around",..as much as I want it).

I want to stop putting-off my life,
and hopefully, choosing the rightest path,
...and 'become' somebody...

thank you.
would love to hear your opinions/advices!

*sigh*

Another day, another existential crisis. Laugh at this for a moment while I think...aaand I can't find it; some funny .gif involving a guy kicking down a door and saying "It's reality!" Anyway, moving on.

Not having much experience with eastern culture, I can't say for sure what socially acceptable actions you might take, but I can say that my father is the same way: "If it has no quantifiable profit, something measured in physical worth, it is impractical, and therefore useless." I would advise finding an impartial source, perhaps a (less judgmental) friend, who would be able to list off to you some points in which you succeed rather than fail; INFPs are notorious for being able to see the good in everything but themselves.

Also, in answer to you're "Main" question, I imagine indecisiveness to be a lifelong struggle. If I may draw advice from previous posts, however, I will say that time is a commodity available in ultimately limited, but nonetheless plentiful supply. I.E. Kick yourself into high gear, but it helps sometimes to put in perspective the oodles of time you still have...that I assume you do have at whatever time you happen to read this. Or perhaps that solves the wrong problem, again assuming it solves any problem. Just stop worrying, and start figuring out what you need to do to get to where you want to be. For that, you have the time.

Lastly, though it's not my place, as I have said, to say it: Don't buy into that load of bleep. The rainbow is just as valuable as the pot of gold it leads to, and, though I too understand where he's coming from, your father is cruel and by some definitions moronic for suggesting otherwise. Please don't take offense at that: I'm trying to cheer you up, not make you cry. Rise from the ashes of your broken dreams and rebuild your hidden empire, brick by brick if need be, and if your last ditch effort fails, at least try to prevent others from making similar mistakes.

Now...watch me bench-press this camel!

*prepares to bench-press something that's clearly not a camel - camera fades to black before anything cool happens*

*camera fades back in - the "not-a-camel" is gone*

I forgot one thing. The world is technically cold, as I'm rather proud of saying, but only technically. I call to the podium the immortalized words of Stanley Kubrick, whoever that is, which read as follows: "The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile, but that it is indifferent, but if we can come to terms with this indifference, then our existence as a species can have genuine meaning. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light."

Take heart, fellow wanderer, and bear your burdens with pride.

*leaves the scene, returning a few minutes later with nose in an ancient tome*

Apparently, Stanley Kubrick was a film director who, though American, enjoyed spending time in England. Also a wizard, probably. Wizards are usually wise; film directors generally aren't.

*pulls out a stone knife and makes a strange thrusting motion with it, whilst uttering secret words of the mystics*

*vanishes in the wake of a wicked awesome "ripply" effect*

 

[niki]

back again, and some new questions

I mean is it YOU who wants to change or do feel the pressure to change from your father? It is your choice or is your father pressuring you to change? haha nevermind, you can disregard the question.

oh no, I forgot to reply to your great question here..

it is both from me myself, but also I'll admit that I feel so much pressured to change from my father.
as for me myself, I've realized that I'm going to be 28 real soon, and even by seeing one by one of my friends getting married, having a house, and settling down,..it automatically puts a wake-up call and so much pressure for me to not take things too laid-back anymore, but more seriously (which,..I'm still having a hard time doing it,..but I have to learn it, or my Life would be much more messed-up than now!).

btw, I've just read again all the posts here, and they're all wonderful,
especially some advices like "Life is only once, do you want to later look back again and regret what you didn't do?" , and that "it's better to try and FAIL at what i love doing, than to stay 'mediocre' in what I hate doing"

just few days ago, my dad was telling me several things again,..which I'm unsure if I should heed his words of advices or not:

1. "don't be spoiled. when you kept saying & insisting that you ONLY want to do jobs that you dream of/like to do, it's already such a luxury to be able to say that! MOST people don't even have any choice, other than just to take any opportunity or job that's in front of them, ANYTHING that can feeds the stomach, whether they like, dislike or even hate it!"

2. "so start being more OPEN-MINDED, and take ANYTHING (ie: any job, ANYthing) that's coming in front of ur eyes! don't BOX yourself only into one little box called Music! again, be more open-minded, extend yourself out of your little box, don't limit yourself! and take any chances in front of your eyes! don't be so RIGID!"

3. "and DON'T read too much of those online forums (*uh oh, busted*) or listen too much to other people....'cuz when talk is always easier than done, and that when you FAIL, no one of them is going to help you out! they can only say things, which is easy"

some of the advices does sound sensible,..and I even having some moments of doubts again with myself & my lifelong goals (which I could really hate sometimes, because it's again proving forever that my dad is "always right", and I'm always WRONG! which further adds to me feel like a worthless, stupid, naive person, while I'm already 28 yrs old now :/ )

but really, in all honesty & fairness, what do you guys think of my father's advices?

PS: I often hope that there will come a day when I'll be BRAVE enough to be bold, straight up tell my dad, assertively (not necessarily in explosive manner, I hope...), that if he keeps thinking that his opinions is the right ones, then why/how come he also still haven't find himself much success, with his business/career, and life?...and even mostly being unhappy a lot?
Problem is: I am scared that in this Asian culture, I would be viewed as not respecting him, as an elder, and hence, a "disgraceful" son...which I really ever don't want that to happen! (finding the 'middle point' of compromise between me & my dad could probably be one of the hardest thing I'll ever do, if I really really want to follow my "less-travelled" dreams: being a Musician).

 

[stringstheory]

but really, in all honesty & fairness, what do you guys think of my father's advices?

honestly, i think your father has some really good points....i think they are just very clouded by his personal motives. it's good advice for some of the wrong reasons.

3. "and DON'T read too much of those online forums (*uh oh, busted*) or listen too much to other people....

i had to start with this one...i feel bad but i laughed SO hard when i read this, especially after the first 2 pieces of advice. "don't listen too much to other people. except me." heh.

i get the sense that your dad wants you to find the motivation to make yourself into something he (and to an extent, your society and culture) finds "acceptable". that doesn't necessarily translate into you having made something of yourself.

regardless he is right. it's always wise to listen to others, they can provide us some great insight and help us sort out our own problems and struggles, but in the end this is your life and you must take a stand and do what's best for you. no one else has lived your life, so everyone's advice (even your father's, even mine) comes from their own life experience. you are an adult and you know what's best for you. not me, not your father, but YOU.

1. "don't be spoiled. when you kept saying & insisting that you ONLY want to do jobs that you dream of/like to do, it's already such a luxury to be able to say that! MOST people don't even have any choice, other than just to take any opportunity or job that's in front of them, ANYTHING that can feeds the stomach, whether they like, dislike or even hate it!"

again, only you know what's best for you. some people can take any kind of career and live day to day and do just fine. others can't do that. we tend to be the types that can't do that, we must chase our dreams and our passions. that is what "making something" of ourselves means to people like us, and who is anyone else to say it's not? because our talents are not "valuable" in this culture and time? sure your father's way is more "realistic", but would it be a stretch to say that maybe being "realistic" doesn't mean quite as much to you? this is something only you can decide.

in all fairness, a job is a job; i work in fast food to support myself a little while i am at college because it pays my bills and so on. but a career is much different. if you need to pay bills then stick with the job, but no one ever said you had to work there forever. if a career you love is what you think is going to make you happy then be thankful for what you have for the time being and in the meantime keep your eye on the prize, whatever it might be.

2. "so start being more OPEN-MINDED, and take ANYTHING (ie: any job, ANYthing) that's coming in front of ur eyes! don't BOX yourself only into one little box called Music! again, be more open-minded, extend yourself out of your little box, don't limit yourself! and take any chances in front of your eyes! don't be so RIGID!"

this is a really good point, but again probably not for the same reasons your father is thinking. branching out is good, but to branch out you must have a starting point...why can't that starting point be music?

what instrument(s) do you play, or what voice type are you? are you a good teacher? have you ever looked into music therapy? (this was my old field of study, and while it didn't work out for me for personal reasons, it is a field with a lot of potential to do amazing things that i think someone like you might enjoy.) you said you have a degree in business, have you looked into other aspects of the music industry? copy-writing? film scoring? writing jingles for commercials? professional audio recording? managing a band of which you are not a member?

there is a lot you can do with that little box called "music", don't just limit yourself to performing.

your father loves you...it's clear to me that he wants you to be successful and happy. unfortunately you just seem to have different ideas of successful and happy. there's nothing wrong with that, but you can only do so much to help him understand that, and if he doesn't....well, i think that's not your problem.

you are 28 years young, there is still a lot of time left for you to define your own happiness. you are in the process of being decisive right now, some decisions just require more time and thought than others. in fact, by posting this thread and sorting out what you really want from what your family really wants, you are being more decisive; you are not putting-off your life, you are always living it.

 

[niki]

@stringstheory: I just want to tell you of how much I really appreciate your long but also a well-written reply.
now after reading your post, I've become much clearer & confirmed of how there can be a compromise point between what I want and what my dad wants.
it is also become clearer of how he indeed loves me and wants to see me succeed,..only there's a slight difference that perhaps I might have to explain a bit to him, regarding the "realistic" criteria.
but I agree with all your points.

and to answer your last question, my main instrument is a piano (background in classic for 6 years, after that, go taught myself the pop, jazz, and composition), then a keyboard, synthesizer. I also sing (this is why I'm aiming to be a singer/songwriter too), and I feel somewhat blessed that my voice range can go from very low, to even very high until like the singer Mika, or even 70's classic rock singers like Led Zeppelin, and even a female's voice
but for my music compositions, I'm planning to use the 'softer' nature of my voice, and maybe also a falsetto.
I'm also able to play guitar, bass guitar, drum.

as in the meantime, you can hear some of my music compositions here:
Niki Wonoto on MySpace Music - Free Streaming MP3s, Pictures & Music Downloads
it's mainly a calm, peaceful, orchestral, and 'video-game ish' style..try to check it out especially when you want to feel relaxed

and My piano/keyboard-playing or cover here:
YouTube - nikiwonoto's Channel

I am planning to upload the songs which have lyrics & my vocal very soon to my Myspace page.

thanks for the message!