• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[NF] How do you get over the bitterness?

KLessard

Aspiring Troens Ridder
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
Messages
595
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
1w2
I have recently suffered deep shame and sadness from being hurt by and unwillingly hurting someone I care about and that incident put an end to the relationship.

I apologized, humiliated myself and did what I had to do about it. The person told me not to hold on to my negative feelings and to stop feeling bad about it, but I find myself in a situation where everything that revolved around her makes me feel kind of bitter. That person had a big place in my idealistic perspectives, and tons of things I love, care about and inspire me are linked to her in some way (in my head, at least). How do you deal with this kind of bitterness?
I feel like I can't allow myself to love those things or find joy in them anymore.
 

yvonne

A passer by
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
534
MBTI Type
INfP
Enneagram
5w4
that's hard. i feel bad for you. :hug:

i wish i had some words of comfort, but words just fail me now... i've experienced similar feelings, though, so i can sympathize.

i suppose... sometimes we need to mourn for the ideals, as much as for the hurtful situation... i don't know if this makes any sense, though. i'm sorry that the conflict was so bad that it ended the relationship. :(

you don't think that perhaps, sometime in the future, you two could meet again and patch things up? things change, people change... they do. i have.

it probably isn't that bad, though? she already forgave you. maybe you need time to forgive her? maybe you need time to rearrange your ideals? maybe you need time to calm yourself, forgive yourself?

don't be too hard on yourself. it might take a while. someday... you'll probably be laughing...
 

Rebe

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2009
Messages
1,431
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4sop
You have to let that person and the past go. It is not easy and it will take time. I don't know the details so...

By you not allowing yourself to love those things, you are pushing back feelings, you are denying connections/feelings, accept your feelings, and let those feelings go. And then when you see a bench where you two once sat, it is just a bench (in my experience), whenever I pass it now, it is just an old, rotting bench, not a symbol of what we had.

Give it time, I'd say. Don't expect it to go away immediately. Find some new things to be excited and inspired about. Find peace and acceptance within yourself. Talk with a friend, objectify the situation a bit, give yourself space and time to get over this. Don't push yourself so hard.
 

KLessard

Aspiring Troens Ridder
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
Messages
595
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
1w2
it probably isn't that bad, though? she already forgave you. maybe you need time to forgive her? maybe you need time to rearrange your ideals? maybe you need time to calm yourself, forgive yourself?


I have forgiven, but can't forgive myself. I'm not sure how it is done? I suppose she has forgiven me, but she isn't interested in being in touch with me. That was pretty clear in what she said.

Anyway, I think it is better that way, but I still find it hard to get over the bitterness.
 

yvonne

A passer by
Joined
Mar 1, 2010
Messages
534
MBTI Type
INfP
Enneagram
5w4
I have forgiven, but can't forgive myself. I'm not sure how it is done? I suppose she has forgiven me, but she isn't interested in being in touch with me. That was pretty clear in what she said.

Anyway, I think it is better that way, but I still find it hard to get over the bitterness.

by accepting that no one is perfect. people just misunderstand each other, too. maybe she needs time, also? it's ok to feel bad. don't feel bad about that. it will pass. your sadness is yours now, and her sadness is hers. you've talked about it. give it time.
 

CuriousFeeling

From the Undertow
Joined
Dec 18, 2009
Messages
2,937
MBTI Type
INfJ
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I have forgiven, but can't forgive myself. I'm not sure how it is done? I suppose she has forgiven me, but she isn't interested in being in touch with me. That was pretty clear in what she said.

Anyway, I think it is better that way, but I still find it hard to get over the bitterness.

Forgiving yourself takes time. The feelings of bitterness will linger for some time, but do not let them eat you away. Give yourself time to recover and recollect what went wrong. Trust me, allowing the bitterness to consume you is not a good situation to be in. Been there, done that.
 

Xellotath

New member
Joined
Feb 1, 2009
Messages
176
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4w5
Just one word of advice.
No matter what you do at this stage, do -not- blame it on personality, typology or whatever.

You cannot imagine how quickly your mind sinks into shame-based insanity if you tell yourself that your pain is due to a personality mismanagement. Ie, if I had used more Ne or Fi or whatever.

You'll end up chasing after ghosts, while your insides are torn apart because you feel like you are the problem on a deep fundamental level.

I spent 11 months experiencing -that- hell. I can easily say it was longer and more psychologically brutal than the pain of losing someone in family or losing my job ..or anything else for that matter. Not even existential psychotherapy did a thing. I went totally insane. So don't make the same mistake.

/emotionally-charged advice
 

toast

New member
Joined
Oct 22, 2009
Messages
239
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Enneagram
2w3
Oh, I've felt this before. Its really irritating to have an ideal shattered and then sort of internally beat yourself up (without control) for having made it. I have felt the same 'I can't like these things' that revolved around the ideal and fed it while giving me joy at the same time. I'm not sure if its a coping mechanism to snap out of it & let go of the frustration faster or if its self abasement. I can never tell because I usually feel equally ashamed at having been naive and unrealistic, and feeling just whiney that I can't go back in time and make it all not happen. Of course, being an ENFJ, the above nearly always involves a person I'm close to...

The only thing that ever gets things back to normal is time & distraction. As long as I avoid the bitter things just a little while and don't let myself dwell on what happened, I can usually snap back and be close to the person again (and what's associated with them) without hard feelings.
 
P

Phantonym

Guest
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. :hug: I've definitely been there. I've found that the only thing that seems to help is time passing. It takes time to start enjoying those things again and you will again. Try to notice when the bitterness enters your mind and then try not to dwell on it. Distract your mind and change the way you think at that moment by trying to put the negativity aside. It gets easier as the time passes along. Best of luck! :)
 

Yloh

New member
Joined
Jul 31, 2009
Messages
183
MBTI Type
ENFJ
Becoming bitter is one of the worst things that can possibly every happen to a person. Listen to all of the advise above as I really can't add anything new.

One thing that might help is for you to do something you enjoy. Sometimes spending time doing something can distract your mind from those painful feelings.
 

William K

Uniqueorn
Joined
Aug 13, 2009
Messages
986
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
4w5
One thing that might help is for you to do something you enjoy. Sometimes spending time doing something can distract your mind from those painful feelings.

:yes: Much like when you have a bitter taste from something you ate, you eat/drink something sweet to replace it. Telling yourself to forget it usually doesn't work as that would just keep it in the foreground of your thoughts. Only time can make the memories fade into the background.

Sometimes I wish I could reformat my brain at times like these...
 

Elemental Chaos

New member
Joined
Apr 15, 2010
Messages
50
MBTI Type
eNXP
Enneagram
7+4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I don't know if this is good advice psychologically. But I tend to do whatever causes the unpleasant feelings to emerge and then focus on just accepting it and forgive. Trying to realize that no matter what I think about it, it is as it is. This usually gives me a sense of freedom at least.
 

Halla74

Artisan Conquerer
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
6,898
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Don't forget about REVENGE, it can be a very useful tool in getting over bitterness! :newwink:
 
P

Phantonym

Guest
Don't forget about REVENGE, it can be a very useful tool in getting over bitterness! :newwink:

I tend to disagree. It might be sweet for a split second but I bet it's twice as bitter afterwards. :newwink:
 

runvardh

にゃん
Joined
Jun 23, 2007
Messages
8,541
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Don't forget about REVENGE, it can be a very useful tool in getting over bitterness! :newwink:

This made me chuckle :). The problem with revenge though, is sometimes it's a death in and of itself. You eat, you breathe, you work, you sleep, but you're dead. Also, depending on how extream the action was, results in how few ways back to living there are.
 

SilkRoad

Lay the coin on my tongue
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
3,932
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Sorry to hear you are still going through this. :hug:

I struggle very much with this sort of thing. Things that have helped me are the passage of time - a change of scene - more cultivation of both new and old friendships - prayer - etc.

I think that if you are an sensitive INFJ this kind of thing may be very hard to break away from, even if you know that the bitterness is just damaging you. We seem to move on with great difficulty.

The best thing is always to resolve things completely with the other person, I think. I've been fairly fortunate to have mostly obtained that kind of resolution - even if sometimes it was a long time coming - in my life, where I've been confronted with this type of situation (fortunately not that often). But if it never comes, or at least in the interim, it can certainly do a lot to destroy peace of mind.

And I totally understand the feeling that everything associated with the person/the damaged relationship is tainted and painful and you can't really even go there. Even if that seems unreasonable and unhealthy...it happens.

Wish I could help you more with this - these are just my thoughts/experiences.
 

KLessard

Aspiring Troens Ridder
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
Messages
595
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
1w2
The best thing is always to resolve things completely with the other person, I think.

I have done this as much as I could, but the person in question is a SP and moves on easily. She doesn't seem to see the necessity of making things right; she puts bad experiences in her past, forgets them and moves on (events and people). I had attempted to get in touch and she hadn't answered. I had to wait months, call her, leave a message and then she called me back. She didn't feel like she had any responsibilty in what had happened (sounds familiar?).
 

SilkRoad

Lay the coin on my tongue
Joined
May 26, 2009
Messages
3,932
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I have done this as much as I could, but the person in question is a SP and moves on easily. She doesn't seem to see the necessity of making things right; she puts bad experiences in her past, forgets them and moves on (events and people). I had attempted to get in touch and she hadn't answered. I had to wait months, call her, leave a message and then she called me back. She didn't feel like she had any responsibilty in what had happened (sounds familiar?).

Ugh...yes. The other person does have to accept responsibility to a certain extent, and some people won't do that. And if they won't reach out at all in a situation like this, resolution is pretty hard.

You never know, it could happen even years down the line...I have had that experience. They might miss you and try to come back into your life, and perhaps then if you explain how you felt they might get it a little bit, and accept some responsibility, if they have matured somewhat... But then, none of that might happen. :(

Maybe you have to partly tell yourself that if the person moves on that easily, without ever admitting that they were at least partly in the wrong - they're not the biggest loss as a friend. But again, I know it is much easier to say this than to put it into practice. People have said such things to me when I have found myself in such a situation and while I may know logically that it's true, it is VERY hard to put into practice, especially where my damaged emotions are concerned.

Do you think you might try reaching out again at some later point or is the possible further damage just too much to contemplate? It's hard to know what to do. It is just possible that even if she feels/acts like this now, she will later want to come back into your life to a greater extent, and then you may be able to explain your feelings and get a more productive result.
 

Arclight

Permabanned
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
3,177
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
I have done this as much as I could, but the person in question is a SP and moves on easily. She doesn't seem to see the necessity of making things right; she puts bad experiences in her past, forgets them and moves on (events and people). I had attempted to get in touch and she hadn't answered. I had to wait months, call her, leave a message and then she called me back. She didn't feel like she had any responsibilty in what had happened (sounds familiar?).

This does sound familiar.. but it sounds like an INFJ I know.. so I don't think it's exclusive SPs .. either way I know how it feels, It sucks and makes you question your own worth and that something must be wrong with you. :cry:
 
Top