[INFJ] Is it common among INFJ's?

[SilkRoad]

I commented before on this thread, but more recently I've wondered if I do sometimes come across as cold. Or having not much in the way of feelings. Not because I've been told that, but because people have a tendency to treat me as though my feelings won't be hurt no matter what. The curse of looking calm on the outside and being very sensitive on the inside.

I can tell you this. I'm not cold at all, though I can be very logical about some things. I do struggle with a split between my emotions and my logic - I wish I could get the negative emotions more under control with the logic. But...there is no better way to genuinely get me acting "cold" than to treat me as though I'm cold and without feelings. If you do that, or at least if you do it enough, I will eventually write you off in an extremely cold way.

I think the above is fairly normal for INFJs, though perhaps not healthy. But coldly writing someone off can be something you eventually have to do for emotional self-preservation.

 

[kafkacat]

""Hm, should be easier to be an INFJ female than an INFJ male."'

I think female. Its more socially acceptable to show feelings in females. When males do they may be labeled as "'gay"'.
But hetero men can be just as emotional.

 

[InvisibleJim]

Is... IT? I dunno! Maybe IT is. Maybe IT isn't.

 

[Reverie]

""Hm, should be easier to be an INFJ female than an INFJ male."'

I think female. Its more socially acceptable to show feelings in females. When males do they may be labeled as "'gay"'.
But hetero men can be just as emotional.

But the problem was that we come off as cold...I feel that might actually be worse for women... or maybe to put it this way maybe male INFJs have a harder time coping with having the strong feeling nature and when the male stereotype is men being less emotional...so maybe it's a male identity thing in that respects. Not that it would be visible to the outside world generally because of the reservedness, but in close relationships I can see it being an issue, whereas for women it's the opposite problem: Our reservedness comes accross as cold and uncaring and even "bithcy" because we're expected to be outright warm from the offset, but in personal close relationships it's less of a thing because women are supposed to be emotional. I would suspect that we get the negative feedback from different directions. I have gotten cold and proud and all sorts when inside I've just been shy to reveal myself for the fear of getting hurt. Also some aggression after I have not responded "enough" to advances from some less subtle types of brutes. I have on more than one occasion been called a lesbian or frigid by these prince charmings...so it can actually be DANGEROUS sometimes for a woman to not project enough of the "warm welcoming" vibe.

 

[SilkRoad]

But the problem was that we come off as cold...I feel that might actually be worse for women... or maybe to put it this way maybe male INFJs have a harder time coping with having the strong feeling nature and when the male stereotype is men being less emotional...so maybe it's a male identity thing in that respects. Not that it would be visible to the outside world generally because of the reservedness, but in close relationships I can see it being an issue, whereas for women it's the opposite problem: Our reservedness comes accross as cold and uncaring and even "bithcy" because we're expected to be outright warm from the offset, but in personal close relationships it's less of a thing because women are supposed to be emotional. I would suspect that we get the negative feedback from different directions. I have gotten cold and proud and all sorts when inside I've just been shy to reveal myself for the fear of getting hurt. Also some aggression after I have not responded "enough" to advances from some less subtle types of brutes. I have on more than one occasion been called a lesbian or frigid by these prince charmings...so it can actually be DANGEROUS sometimes for a woman to not project enough of the "warm welcoming" vibe.

Hey, welcome to the forum!

I've only known one male INFJ in real life, I think. I think he was more sensitive than his exterior showed - not that he came across as cold, but just quite calm and together. He certainly didn't come across as emo or effeminate, but certainly not a macho man either.

From what I've read here, and from my own experience and other female INFJs, I think the tendency is that INFJ men tend to come across a bit too emo for a man (rather than having the "too cold" problem), and INFJ women come across a bit too reserved for women. Personally, I've had all kinds of different feedback; some people say I come across as very warm and open, and while I don't think anyone's come right out and told me I was cold, I've certainly had people treat me as though they think I have no feelings, which I think is a consequence of some people being emotionally blind and assuming that because you look calm and collected you're unfeeling. The latter is extremely hurtful because like most INFJs I am very concerned and caring and very sensitive - almost hyper-sensitive.

In terms of how men treat me, this is going to sound weird, but in a lot of cases it's almost like they automatically treat me with a little too much respect. Like, they find me interesting and even attractive but there's something too intimidating for them to want to pursue me, in most cases. In the case of both genders, it seems like many people tend to assume that I'm going to disapprove of them or their choices. I know INFJs can come over a bit judgmental and maybe that is a bit of a problem for me. I'm really quite accepting and non-judgmental most of the time though. It's a strange combination. ONe of the other members on this site, I think it was Skylights, who's an ENFP, put it very well - she said that INFJs are an odd mix of the "formal and the personal" in their dealings with others. I actually thought that was a very good way to put it.

I genuinely think a lot of people just don't know how to take us. They see someone calm and reticent (though I, and many INFJs, can be quite silly and fun-loving if we're in an environment where we feel comfortable), and perhaps externally we don't seem very emotional, but they can perhaps sense other stuff brewing below the surface. I don't know, I really think we're an odd mix and a lot of people find it intriguing but perhaps they prefer people (especially for romance) who are more straightforward.

 

[Reverie]

I like that description too: Odd mix of formal and personal.
Seems spot on.

 

[cascadeco]

Hey, welcome to the forum!

I've only known one male INFJ in real life, I think. I think he was more sensitive than his exterior showed - not that he came across as cold, but just quite calm and together. He certainly didn't come across as emo or effeminate, but certainly not a macho man either.

I know a male INFJ pretty well, and I'd say at least in a work environment when you're initially interacting with him/observing him, he comes across as kind of unapproachable and crusty, with a hard shell of cynicism/edge. But yes, calm too. Not demonstrative in feeling or emo.

BUT, I got to know him, and he was delightfully open about everything, and about his life, and the feeling just gushed out. I became close to him at work over a year or so, and prior to my leaving, I had to actually tell my ISFJ coworker friend that this INFJ guy is someone she shouldn't be afraid of, and she eventually became very good friends with this guy and realized he wasn't just this cynical brusque guy. (Because she kinda was intimidated and thought he was just this scary guy (lol), just as she was kinda afraid of/ misread NT's, so I had to tell her the same thing about some of the NT's we work with)

Anyway. Now we're friends outside of work too, and in a social setting, he's utterly charming and friendly and compassionate and pretty warm/sensitive. He just has non-friend fronts that he puts up. As I expect most F men do - they have a harder exterior that they project, or that is suitable/needed for whatever environment they're in. And, female F's do the same, depending on the environment.

 

[nomoreshallwepart]

I think that is fair, I think I can appear 'blunt' to many people, what they are seeing is the defence against having one's feelings hurt, INFJs aren't really cold but the warmth has to be drawn out from us.

 

[SilkRoad]

I think that is fair, I think I can appear 'blunt' to many people, what they are seeing is the defence against having one's feelings hurt, INFJs aren't really cold but the warmth has to be drawn out from us.

I honestly think that "reserve" is the most accurate way to describe it. Seriously, when Skylights (I think) said that INFJs are both "formal and personal" it was a bit of a penny-drop moment for me. I can kind of understand why many people wouldn't quite know how to take that or might even find it a bit unnerving.

I do find it harder to forgive when people treat me as though I'm cold or unfeeling. I don't like to think that if I behaved like a neurotic bitch, I would get more credit for having feelings, but sometimes I think that's the way it is. It's just, if you took the time to look the tiniest bit below the surface, not even that far below the surface, you would know that I am anything but cold, uncaring, unfeeling or apathetic. In fact, most people can figure that out without even looking below the surface, particularly. But one thing I've learned is that most people will see whatever is most expedient/practical for them to see (for them and their own needs.)

 

[Reverie]

I honestly think that "reserve" is the most accurate way to describe it. Seriously, when Skylights (I think) said that INFJs are both "formal and personal" it was a bit of a penny-drop moment for me. I can kind of understand why many people wouldn't quite know how to take that or might even find it a bit unnerving.

I do find it harder to forgive when people treat me as though I'm cold or unfeeling. I don't like to think that if I behaved like a neurotic bitch, I would get more credit for having feelings, but sometimes I think that's the way it is. It's just, if you took the time to look the tiniest bit below the surface, not even that far below the surface, you would know that I am anything but cold, uncaring, unfeeling or apathetic. In fact, most people can figure that out without even looking below the surface, particularly. But one thing I've learned is that most people will see whatever is most expedient/practical for them to see (for them and their own needs.)

I think we're impersonal because we can see the underlying issues at play and can take them impersonally in a way but at the same time we are feelers, so you know... It's like a tightrope. Do I not take it personally because of these things at play, or do I take it personally to really feel all the feelings and be in the moment. Choose A and you're cold, choose B and you depart from your formal self and become very personal and because of the contrast (because internally you're anything but cold) you end up looking like you are a raving lunatic. The continuity is broken in people's eyes. But in actual fact you are both things at the same time. It's just somewhat difficult to express both simultaneously. It requires more enlightenment than I always have to be honest.

 

[Crescent Fresh]

Choose A and you're cold, choose B and you depart from your formal self and become very personal and because of the contrast (because internally you're anything but cold) you end up looking like you are a raving lunatic. The continuity is broken in people's eyes. But in actual fact you are both things at the same time. It's just somewhat difficult to express both simultaneously. It requires more enlightenment than I always have to be honest.

That's a very good point! +10

I've always thought about this issue. And when in comparsion to ENFPs, I think they're good at treating others all equally. However, when it comes to those selected few who they bonded deeply, they'll be much closer and personal with them privately. In public, ENFP will treat and spread the equal amount of attention to the ones who bonded and those with a lesser extend at ease.

When it comes to INFJs, I think we can be somewhat obvious to show how close we are with any particular individual in public while keeping a distance with others, or those who we didn't connect deeply with. This has certainly caused many jealousy in the workplace for me, as I can be nice to everyone but I also can show that extra attention to those peeps who I've bonded. And I think sometimes, in the eyes of public, people may see us as cold or difficult because we don't hide our Fe subtlely enough as compare to Fi users imo.

 

[lane777]

Though in reality, I'm a very warm person who is afraid of getting hurt through attachment of people, even friends.

That's why I usually don't let everybody in as a self-defensive mechanism.

Wow, verbatim.

At this point in time, there is no one in my life who I feel safe enough with to express my deepest feelings to. In my experience, INTJ's are the go to type, for this. They are incredibly understanding people who seem to know where I'm coming from without me having to say much. And if they hurt you and you confront them on it, they won't take offense to having offended you lol. Unlike most other types, INTJ's are very comfortable with this. And anyone in a relationship with an INFJ will have to accept that unintentionally hurting the INFJ will be a reoccuring issue.

I miss my INTJ's. Seriously...

To me, I would not go around with my feelings hanging out all over the place anymore than I would go to the grocery store naked. Nobody wants to see that.

If only people knew how fragile and emotional we truly are; I don't think they would be so offended by our reserve. INFJ's MUST withhold their emotions, or we'd be institutionalized for them. Shit, if I had no inhibitions, everyone would think I'm bipolar.

I must be the rare warm INFJ or something. (I suppose my Fe kicks in fast?) I'm actually kind of talkative and always friendly, and I am often smiling and laughing and telling jokes (though, honestly, I know a lot of that is superficial; a way to put people at ease around me. Might even be a defense mechanism I developed after learning that people were often uncomfortable around me in my youth). People have told me that I appear friendly and sometimes outgoing, but most say that I have mysterious qualities too, and that I seem reserved and tend to hold something back.

Regarding normal INFJ typing, "cold" seems to be the norm... though I feel like it is even more typical of INTJ.

Actually, I fit both descriptions made here. I could very much be seen as a hot and cold person. Strangers and new acquaintances will get the warmth, because I want to make them comfortable and I'm genuinely excited to make a new acquaintance. But those close to me will see both sides. It just depends on my mood or if I have the energy to express my enthusiasm at the time.

Also some aggression after I have not responded "enough" to advances from some less subtle types of brutes.

It's criminal, isn't it?

 

[Saslou]

Some people see me as a hard person and I am often called "cold"... Is it an INFJ characteristic? I don't show my feelings too much because I'm afraid of being wounded, and people may describe me as "rational"! I've read in some sites that INFJ's are prone to be mistyped as rationals... I see my coldness as a defense. Is it common? Anyone here have this problem?

I've been called cold (and distant) on many occasions .. I've argued it by saying that i can not be upfront and feeling all the time as this depletes my energy .. I need time to retreat and recharge. I don't perceive it to be a defence mechanism rather something to keep my sanity in one piece. If i don't give someone attention 24/7, doesn't mean i'm not thinking about them or care any less, but instead i'm putting my needs first .. They'll get their attention just after i've given myself some.

 

[Idealatious]

Occasionally, I make a weird expression that people tend to notice, even laugh at it. Normally glee, surprise, or disgust. A week ago during a lecture I felt it appropriate to arch my eyebrows incredulously and stare with such eye-twitching disgust -which on hindsight is easily misinterpreted - that the teacher finally called me out; asked me what I was thinking. No, nooo, I agree with you 100%! She didn't believe that I thought she was right (I'd like to think I would be more subtle about it if I disagreed) but was directing my contempt towards society in general! I think that normally my face is rather blank and serious, as I've been told. I'm quite good at concealing emotion if I try. But then people notice even more when I make an expression, especially when I'm happy.

...hmmmm; I remember one time when I was really upset and depressed about something and my aunt (ISFJ, I would guess) said something like, "come on, smile." And my face suddenly, involuntarily lit up. It wasn't like I was trying to make her feel better; I just couldn't even stop it! Later I felt really annoyed for being insincere like that. Sometimes I can ease myself into feeling happy by acting like it, but that was just absolutely fake fake fake.