[NF] Just thinking about feelings.

[yvonne]

What do INFPs expect to be the results of emotional expression? What do you expect the other person to do once you have expressed your emotions? Rebe it sounds like you are just seeking processing space... but others? Is it simply a statement of values, so that mutual respect can be established?

i suppose i wish to be understood... or if i can't be understood, then just accepted, and if i can't be accepted, then hear reasons why, so i can understand not being accepted. if that fails, i retreat to examine my feelings and "protecting the lake"... there are various degrees of importance, though, and if i hear the reasons why i am not accepted, or rather, why my feelings at that moment are not accepted, i take serious notice and try to change my behavior with this person... it changes over time when the connection develops. if i can't accept not being accepted, and if i can't be better understood in time, distancing happens.

Also-if you cannot trust others, how do you determine who to trust emotionally? I typically block everyone honestly and let nobody close via engaging with Te, not Fi. But if I did try and engage more openly with Fi, can you describe how you do so in a graduated fashion-I guess a slower unveiling? Are there degrees of trust-some people are trusted more than others perhaps? Both may be Fi connections but on different levels?

yes, definitely some people are trusted more than others... see my description of how i function with Fi.

Also-blame? To me it seems like I have to get it out of the way, so that all negativity goes away. The easiest way is just to accept it, and relieve the other person of that blame, then dismiss it. Then we can talk or just move on, as everything is forgiven. If you dont accept blame, how do you work through the issue-do you go item by item in discussion, not to blame, but to understand? I really have no idea.

i try to go to myself before i blame. i might blame in my head, but before i blame to someone's face i wish to be sure about my feelings. sometimes the negativity just comes out, but i always regret acting that way. i don't dwell on issues with trusted people. if i have a real problem with you, you'll hear about it and i will listen. with people i don't trust/ know, i figure it doesn't matter. sometimes the feeling goes away naturally (if the stressful situation doesn't continue) while i process it in my head. i am not easily angered.

 

[Unkindloving]

First off:
My INFP seems to do this often.
She prefers to be neutral so frequently that it can be impossible to see an emotion relating to a direct situation. When it comes to her favorite bands or things of that nature, she is a bundle of crazy feelings.
It's almost as though she doesn't want to take sides, even with her feelings. She tends to remain like a doe-eyed vessel until pushed to the absolute brink. Then she'll snap back to life and start interacting/showing certain feelings. It's never an explosion though.

Secondly:
There's me and my ENFJ world.
I wish i could turn a lot of feelings off, specifically any upset. I handle my anger quite well already, but i stay quiet about it until i'm pushed beyond continuously. I have truly explosive moments when people are seemingly going out of their way to push my buttons. It would be dangerous if i could actually turn off feelings, but that is based on how i am wired. There's no turning it off, there is only learning how to manage it.

Fe-users (this drives me crazy and scares me, but I do love them)(or at least the ones I know) believe that every emotion they have are absolutely legitimate and Right and even sometimes logical/reasonable.

Someone does something, Fe-user is upset. Fe-user vents about her feelings.
Me: But, you shouldn't feel that way, they didn't mean it that way, there is no reason to feel that way, etc.
Fe-user: BUT I DO. THAT IS HOW I FEEL.
Me: Wha......uhm...

Ah. I tend to do this at times, but i make it known that i should/shouldn't feel a certain way. I think my INFP reacts the same way you do to it . It tends to be because i am so obnoxiously observant of other people that i pick up on things she would be oblivious to, especially when zoning out to her fantasy world. It often adds up, but when it doesn't i can completely admit that it's irrational/overblown/unintentional.

 

[Rebe]

What do INFPs expect to be the results of emotional expression? What do you expect the other person to do once you have expressed your emotions? Rebe it sounds like you are just seeking processing space... but others? Is it simply a statement of values, so that mutual respect can be established?

Yes, my emotional expression is to state my values. I wrote my post primarily based on my feelings after a break-up. If I don't see anything 'concrete/useful' coming out of it, I don't bother to express my emotions, because I sometimes have a lot of them and most of it doesn't have anything to do with the said person who made me sad but issues regarding myself. So, I keep most negative emotions to myself and just neatly clean up the mess if I have emotionally said things I didn't mean to prior to the kicking in of introspection. But, I also run the risk of 'not caring' and not being completely honest this way, that's my main concern. After the end of a relationship, I don't feel the need to express that I did care or how I am currently feeling. I want to take back everything I said and did and go back behind my door and forget it ever happened. If the end doesn't go well, I tend to blow it out of proportions and am suspicious of the entire relationship and dismiss all the good times. That's a personal weakness/problem I am trying to figure out. Is this weak Fe? I think when dealing with this, I am either super Fi-Ne (emotional and uncertain) or Te (certain, dismissive and neutral).

 

[Lauren]

i suppose i wish to be understood... or if i can't be understood, then just accepted, and if i can't be accepted, then hear reasons why, so i can understand not being accepted. if that fails, i retreat to examine my feelings and "protecting the lake"... there are various degrees of importance, though, and if i hear the reasons why i am not accepted, or rather, why my feelings at that moment are not accepted, i take serious notice and try to change my behavior with this person... it changes over time when the connection develops. if i can't accept not being accepted, and if i can't be better understood in time, distancing happens.


i try to go to myself before i blame. i might blame in my head, but before i blame to someone's face i wish to be sure about my feelings. sometimes the negativity just comes out, but i always regret acting that way. i don't dwell on issues with trusted people. if i have a real problem with you, you'll hear about it and i will listen. with people i don't trust/ know, i figure it doesn't matter. sometimes the feeling goes away naturally (if the stressful situation doesn't continue) while i process it in my head. i am not easily angered.[/QUOTE]

To the first bolded part: I hate distancing myself from someone once I like and confide in them. But in two instances, I had a sense things would not work out well. Both had to do with the two women friends competing with me and, especially, being critical and judgmental of my feelings or ideas. It's the degree that matters, really. The people I love are those who go out of their way to be nonjudgmental and noncritical so that we can talk about things. In these two instances, I let the two friends go because I didn't feel trusted or cared for. It was a mismatch and I don't worry about that at all. It just is. In two other instances, I felt I was at fault and changed my behavior.

To the second bolded part: that's me to a T as well. I especially like the thought about the feeling going away naturally. Absolutely. I learned this over the years. If you just wait, the feelings, the weird vibe or situation, goes away and doesn't return. As a friend of mine says, a thunderstorm appears and then vanishes. I try now to not react right away but to just wait it out. Give the other person and myself time to think it over. Often, the conflict disappears of its own accord.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Secondly:
There's me and my ENFJ world.
I wish i could turn a lot of feelings off, specifically any upset. I handle my anger quite well already, but i stay quiet about it until i'm pushed beyond continuously. I have truly explosive moments when people are seemingly going out of their way to push my buttons. It would be dangerous if i could actually turn off feelings, but that is based on how i am wired. There's no turning it off, there is only learning how to manage it.

None the less I think you should at least try it sometimes.

 

[Snuggletron]

I like emotions, I like to bathe in them quietly. Without them, life would just be shit. When you suppress them just because you don't like them you just suppress purity. I like feeling all sorts of things, positive or negative, weak or strong. I don'tgiveahoot.

 

[Thalassa]

Hmmm. I like feelings and I think relationships are important, so no I don't want my feelings to go away. There are a vital part of who I am and make me feel alive. I would be hollow without my feelings.

The trick with anger, I think, is not to swallow it but to pay attention to how you're expressing it to others. I test pretty high on Fe even though I'm an Fi-er and I think that's because I value relationships so much that I've used my Te to create pseudo Fe (maybe?) so that I don't hurt my relationships by expressing feelings like anger in a hurtful manner, or at least as little as possible. I do get embarrassed sometimes when I go off on people because my feelings were hurt.

My feelings are so intense sometimes, though, it is like maybe my life would be easier if I didn't need other people so much or cry so easily or get mad when people do this or that.

I don't think it's healthy to repress anger though. I do think it is healthy to analyze it and express it in ways that don't hurt other people.