[NF] When your parents don't support your NF dreams

[Thessaly]

What do you do?

I recently left the corporate world to pursue my dreams of becoming a fashion stylist/journalist and my parents still obsess over my LSAT marks and how I was supposed to become a lawyer. I wouldn't mind if they weren't so harsh and belittling. I'm a hardened, logical little INFP so I continue on, but man it sucks when your family doesn't believe in you and pretty much mocks you.

 

[Alwar]

Tell them how horrible it makes you feel to be treated that way. If it continues, keep them at arms length and remind them that the consequences will be you severing ties. Deliver if they don't comply.

 

[Thessaly]

Don't you think that's a bit harsh? I honestly think they feel worse about me not going to law school than I do about their insensitive guilt trips. They hand me brochures mailed to them by interested law schools when I visit and tell me it's not too late. It's kind of sad.

 

[Scott N Denver]

Don't you think that's a bit harsh? I honestly think they feel worse about me not going to law school than I do about their insensitive guilt trips. They hand me brochures mailed to them by interested law schools when I visit and tell me it's not too late. It's kind of sad.

It is my understanding that law school, and more to the point working as an attorney, is a real grinder on all the NF's, but especially INFP's. From MBTI stuff I've read, the ENFJ's have the best chance of making that work, but still tend to give it up after a few years.

I will say, its not law school, but physics grad school was a real grinder, so if law school and being an attorney would be at all similar to my own experiences [welcome to cold unsocial unemotional soulless INTJ hell!!!!] I'd say avoid like the plague!!!

 

[kiddykat]

What do I do?

Space out. j/k.

My mom's motto is: "I knock you down to build you up."

Hellz yeah it hurts. How I deal with it is by remembering my past, where I came from, and where I envision myself to be in 20 years.

Sucks when your very own blood doesn't support you, but you know what? At least in some odd way, it does make us stronger, because at least we stand up for ourselves by saying , "No, it's not true. Your dream is NOT my dream."

My mom would rather me get a certificate degree and be a pharmacy technician than to pursue school. I got into grad school despite what she says, and I think reflecting on words of encouragement by other elders and people who live genuinely happy lives, who serve as examples of accomplishment/achievement/fulfillment helps reinforce the idea of 'chasing' after my dreams.

I guess finding our own personal role-models, and identifying those strengths to pull us through helps.

Sometimes, when the road looks bleak, and it seems as though you're alone, that's when it actually helps me to find strength from within- not taking what's said for what it is, and looking beyond to dig deeper.. it's like squeezing lime on an open wound, but the end result is that I feel more reaffirmed about my own self-identity.

 

[Alwar]

Don't you think that's a bit harsh? I honestly think they feel worse about me not going to law school than I do about their insensitive guilt trips. They hand me brochures mailed to them by interested law schools when I visit and tell me it's not too late. It's kind of sad.

Difficult to do maybe, but not harsh. You are not at fault here.

 

[Thessaly]

It is my understanding that law school, and more to the point working as an attorney, is a real grinder on all the NF's, but especially INFP's. From MBTI stuff I've read, the ENFJ's have the best chance of making that work, but still tend to give it up after a few years.

I will say, its not law school, but physics grad school was a real grinder, so if law school and being an attorney would be at all similar to my own experiences [welcome to cold unsocial unemotional soulless INTJ hell!!!!] I'd say avoid like the plague!!!

Thanks for the support hun

 

[Thessaly]

What do I do?

Space out. j/k.

My mom's motto is: "I knock you down to build you up."

Hellz yeah it hurts. How I deal with it is by remembering my past, where I came from, and where I envision myself to be in 20 years.

Sucks when your very own blood doesn't support you, but you know what? At least in some odd way, it does make us stronger, because at least we stand up for ourselves by saying , "No, it's not true. Your dream is NOT my dream."

My mom would rather me get a certificate degree and be a pharmacy technician than to pursue school. I got into grad school despite what she says, and I think reflecting on words of encouragement by other elders and people who live genuinely happy lives, who serve as examples of accomplishment/achievement/fulfillment helps reinforce the idea of 'chasing' after my dreams.

I guess finding our own personal role-models, and identifying those strengths to pull us through helps.

Sometimes, when the road looks bleak, and it seems as though you're alone, that's when it actually helps me to find strength from within- not taking what's said for what it is, and looking beyond to dig deeper.. it's like squeezing lime on an open wound, but the end result is that I feel more reaffirmed about my own self-identity.

I think that is some solid advice. Role models can be incredibly inspiring in moments of doubt.

 

[TheEmeraldCanopy]

I can't offer you any good advice, Thessaly. I can relate in a few ways though.

Many of these your way.

 

[Thessaly]

I've come to a conclusion that this contention between my parents and I will never truly go away...kind of like herpes. For some time it may not rear its ugly head, but then inevitably an outbreak and I shall be tormented for an undetermined period of time...till I die.

Perhaps I've inherited some of that cynicism I'm facing here lol

 

[Yloh]

First of all you need to go after your own dreams. You can't let anybody but yourself tell you what kind of work you would like to do. You won't be truly satisfied with yourself until you go after your dreams.

OK that's step one, now to deal with your parents. Have you ever talked to them about why they want you to become a lawyer? Most parents care deeply for their children and want what they think is best for them. Why do they want you to become a lawyer? Is it the money, status, etc? Of all of these things, I'm sure happiness is pretty high on that list. Maybe they want you to accomplish what they never did. I don't know. Anyways, if you try and talk about why your parents push you to become a lawyer it will be a good start.

One way to convince people to think your way is to make your wants their wants. In your example, if your parents want you to be have money, remind them that law school will give you a huge dept from student loans. If it is social status, this could be a bit tricky as your value system could differ greatly. Perhaps remind them how lawyers can have a bad reputation for being dishonest. By being a fashion stylist/journalist you can help the world be informed on how to look their best. Having good looks boosts one's confidence and automatically raise one's social status.

Where I'm going with this is people are really not going to listen to what you want because they are more interested in what they want. If you can somehow find out why your parents want you to become a lawyer and convince them that they can accomplish their wants by you becoming a fashion stylist/journalist then you have the support of your family.

If all else fails, I'm truly sorry and will support you with others on this site. Follow the advise that the other people gave above and go after your dream. You may need to be broken down to be stronger, but your parents also need to be broken down by learning they can't have full control of their child's life anymore.

Now I don't know how far you were in the corporate world, nor do I know what your parents do for a living, but I truly hope this helps.

 

[kyuuei]

I feel you here.. I say, "Daddy, I wanna be a doctor!" and his first response is, "Not a lawyer? lolwut?"

The main point is.. they want you to succeed. A job like a lawyer is one they probably feel you're smart enough to accomplish, and it will create security for you with a job that you could potentially excel at.

The problem is.. you can't love a job you do with obligation and reluctance. You have to love what you do.. What you're wanting isn't a stable field, and although just as much work as a lawyer, the payoff could potientially never come. When you put aside all the emotions in it, it seems like a poor decision on your part.

But, emotions are a part of people, and they will always be. Do what you want to do, work hard at it, be happy, and be successful in something you love. They may not support it now, but they'll support your happiness later.

 

[Thalassa]

When I was growing up my grandfather told me that I was "good at the wrong thing" because I was in AP English and he wouldn't pay for me to go to college unless it was something he approved of.

I ended up taking out loans to go to college later than most people do. My SP mother basically wants me to do whatever makes me happy, but she's in no position to help me financially.

I know what it feels like to be mocked by family, but you know what? You're an INFP. Your Fi will let you do what you know is right for you.

 

[Thessaly]

First of all you need to go after your own dreams. You can't let anybody but yourself tell you what kind of work you would like to do. You won't be truly satisfied with yourself until you go after your dreams.

OK that's step one, now to deal with your parents. Have you ever talked to them about why they want you to become a lawyer? Most parents care deeply for their children and want what they think is best for them. Why do they want you to become a lawyer? Is it the money, status, etc? Of all of these things, I'm sure happiness is pretty high on that list. Maybe they want you to accomplish what they never did. I don't know. Anyways, if you try and talk about why your parents push you to become a lawyer it will be a good start.

One way to convince people to think your way is to make your wants their wants. In your example, if your parents want you to be have money, remind them that law school will give you a huge dept from student loans. If it is social status, this could be a bit tricky as your value system could differ greatly. Perhaps remind them how lawyers can have a bad reputation for being dishonest. By being a fashion stylist/journalist you can help the world be informed on how to look their best. Having good looks boosts one's confidence and automatically raise one's social status.

Where I'm going with this is people are really not going to listen to what you want because they are more interested in what they want. If you can somehow find out why your parents want you to become a lawyer and convince them that they can accomplish their wants by you becoming a fashion stylist/journalist then you have the support of your family.

If all else fails, I'm truly sorry and will support you with others on this site. Follow the advise that the other people gave above and go after your dream. You may need to be broken down to be stronger, but your parents also need to be broken down by learning they can't have full control of their child's life anymore.

Now I don't know how far you were in the corporate world, nor do I know what your parents do for a living, but I truly hope this helps.

This is a tactic I've never tried. I've argued from many angles, but using my own values and desires rather than theirs. Definitely worth a try. Thanks

 

[Thessaly]

You are all so awesome.

 

[BlackCat]

If all else fails, find friends that share your dreams. I would actually prefer friends that supported me in that way over parents. Since I feel like I can get closer to friends. I don't like my parents to know too much about me. But it's difficult if they don't support you financially...

 

[Thinkerninja]

Lol being an asian this is normal. All my parents want me to be is a doctor. But wtf, you have to go through 7 years of uni where i am, work long hours, and get normal pay = SUCKS

 

[Timeless]

I got an idea:

Go for your NF dreams, and tell them it's an SJ dream.

 

[Chloe]

For years I was abused by my family, but recently I came to my senses and banned them emotionally. They dont know it, it's just that I was so naive before and letting them have access to every part of me even though they didnt deserve it with their behaviour, so now I just put more walls in front...
Luckily, I'm much more talented and capable than everyone in my family so even though I dont care so much about financial stuff, they do, and I'm not afraid that wichever path I choose I'll be more successful than they are... and that is security that they wont ever have power over me like they had.
Its not that I completely dont love them, I just dont try anymore to have relationship with them, I'd still be devasteted if something happens to them etc.

So, if family doesnt support your NF dreams... and you already gave them many chances... they are bad for you and quit trying.. the faster you view them as limited people the faster you have more appreciation for yourself and your dreams.

 

[Thalassa]

I got an idea:

Go for your NF dreams, and tell them it's an SJ dream.

You make a very interesting point which should be addressed on an MBTI board: their intention may not be to hurt, judge, or criticize her dreams but to protect her with what they view as a more stable choice if they are SJs (or even NJs). It took me years (and also learning about MBTI) to realize that often when my grandparents seemed harsh or closed minded they really wanted what they thought was best for me. I know that sounds cliche, but it's often true when talking about SJ parents or grandparents.