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[ENFP] Need help decrypting an ENFP

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
Joined
Jun 5, 2009
Messages
1,363
MBTI Type
xNFP
Enneagram
3w4
My ENFP ex and I had a reunion last night and there was some weird transactions I am having difficulty decoding.

1. He brought up the girl he cheated on me with when I was in hearing distance to his roommate, when he knows this topic irks me like no other.

2. He kept trying to prove to me his Ne intelligence in a very explicit and childish manner ("acknowledge that I'm a genius").

3. He brought up a previous argument we had about his apparent lack of empathy randomly about 4 times, although it was completely irrelevant (we discussed this last perhaps 5 months ago).

4. He kept telling me that I was a puzzle and he has all the pieces put together, except for one elusive piece he can't figure out. He wouldn't elaborate on what that one piece was.

5. He kept bringing up his very close friendship with a girl. He often did this in the past with other female friends....just a repetitive thinking out loud of how awesome their platonic intimacy is.

I don't know why I'm trying to make sense of this guy. Perhaps I'm just in an unresolved NP thinking loop.

#2 and #5 baffle me most.

(#2) He's a very independent, emotionally controlled man. I don't see him needing my validation, but it appears to be that way.

(#5) Is he trying to make me jealous? Perhaps he is just very proud of his friendships?

I think perhaps he was trying to get under my skin hard core last night. It doesn't make sense to me because I was playful and emotionally light hearted with him the whole time.

**any male insight would be appreciated**
 

Rainne

One day and the next
Joined
Mar 7, 2010
Messages
875
MBTI Type
ISTP
My ENFP ex and I had a reunion last night and there was some weird transactions I am having difficulty decoding.

1. He brought up the girl he cheated on me with when I was in hearing distance to his roommate, when he knows this topic irks me like no other.

2. He kept trying to prove to me his Ne intelligence in a very explicit and childish manner ("acknowledge that I'm a genius").

3. He brought up a previous argument we had about his apparent lack of empathy randomly about 4 times, although it was completely irrelevant (we discussed this last perhaps 5 months ago).

4. He kept telling me that I was a puzzle and he has all the pieces put together, except for one elusive piece he can't figure out. He wouldn't elaborate on what that one piece was.

5. He kept bringing up his very close friendship with a girl. He often did this in the past with other female friends....just a repetitive thinking out loud of how awesome their platonic intimacy is.

I don't know why I'm trying to make sense of this guy. Perhaps I'm just in an unresolved NP thinking loop.

#2 and #5 baffle me most.

(#2) He's a very independent, emotionally controlled man. I don't see him needing my validation, but it appears to be that way.

(#5) Is he trying to make me jealous? Perhaps he is just very proud of his friendships?

I think perhaps he was trying to get under my skin hardcore last night. It doesn't make sense to me because I was playful and emotionally light hearted with him the whole time.

1. He probably forgot.

2. ENFPs can be very clever

3. He probably forgot

4. No comment

5. He probably wants all his ex-gf/current gf to be friends. Like one big happy gathering.
 

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
Joined
Jun 5, 2009
Messages
1,363
MBTI Type
xNFP
Enneagram
3w4
I swear this man doesn't forget a thing. Your reply to #2 doesn't explain his motives, which is what I'm looking for, although I will concede he can be quite clever.
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
This screams insecurity. The man wants you to think he's awesome. He brings up the girls to prove to you and himself that he doesn't need your affection when he's desperate for it (see! Other people like and respect me, why don't you! And later: who needs you anyways, *they think I'm awesome!' only to return a little later again to 'why don't you like me!!!' coz he wants it so bad' Denial and tantrums basically). And to reaffirm for himself that he's successfull with girls, denying to himself that he's vying for your approval. Then he goes on to debate issues that he's not figured out, solved with you yet, again, to either solve them now (coz he so wants you to like him and you don't coz of these things and he knows it), or reaffirm that it isn't his fault that you don't like him (coz see! you'e being unreasonable), and he's like convincing himself that he's got you all figured out coz he again wants to sort things out for which he needs that elusive piece which *you* won't give him, again projecting his frustration and the blame onto you.

Basically, he's squirming all over the place coz he likes you still, and want your approval but cannot admit this to himself nor figure out how to make you love him, admire him and respect him, and it's driving him nutty causing him to lash out and try and reaffirm himself.

Just my two cents.


Edit: And fwiw, I doubt he's conscious that he's doing it, or at least not aware of the extent of the impact it's having on him. He's just reacting to conflicting emotions you apparently stir in him :D
 

Arclight

Permabanned
Joined
Nov 5, 2009
Messages
3,177
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
6w5
I agree with Satine.. he sounds very insecure.
He also sounds like he drinks his own verbal diarrhea.
 
G

garbage

Guest
yeah, it sounds like a two-pronged approach:

  • He likes you, or he wants validation.
  • If he can't have you, then, dammit, he's also gonna want to feel superior and justified in not receiving that one.

He's pursuing both of these at the same time.

If you don't play his games, he's going to be pretty frustrated. And it sounds like he pretty much deserves to be.
 

Chloe

New member
Joined
May 1, 2009
Messages
2,196
He probably doesnt even know for real what he's trying to achieve.. just throwing out there random stuff (random manipulations ;))
i think you're reading too much into it...
 

dux

New member
Joined
Mar 30, 2009
Messages
5
MBTI Type
INTJ
Are you sure he's ENFP?
Sounds more ENTP to me....

#2: 'He's a very independent, emotionally controlled man' just sounds more NT to me

#5: 'Perhaps he is just very proud of his friendships? ' sounds more Fe (thus ENTP) than Fi (ENFP)

also the 'lack of empathy' thing, that's more Fe than Fi to me
And the 'puzzle' thing, it's more NT to look at people as puzzles no?

just my two cents ;-)
 

Arclight

Permabanned
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Messages
3,177
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INFJ
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Are you sure he's ENFP?
Sounds more ENTP to me....

#2: 'He's a very independent, emotionally controlled man' just sounds more NT to me

#5: 'Perhaps he is just very proud of his friendships? ' sounds more Fe (thus ENTP) than Fi (ENFP)

also the 'lack of empathy' thing, that's more Fe than Fi to me
And the 'puzzle' thing, it's more NT to look at people as puzzles no?

just my two cents ;-)
Ok that's interesting.. not to derail here, but I was under the impression that Fe is the master of empathy not Fi..
 

Amargith

Hotel California
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Messages
14,717
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ENFP
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4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Both have their own way of being empathetic, each better in their own preferred situations than the other.
 

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
Joined
Jun 5, 2009
Messages
1,363
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xNFP
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3w4
Are you sure he's ENFP?
Sounds more ENTP to me....

#2: 'He's a very independent, emotionally controlled man' just sounds more NT to me

#5: 'Perhaps he is just very proud of his friendships? ' sounds more Fe (thus ENTP) than Fi (ENFP)

also the 'lack of empathy' thing, that's more Fe than Fi to me
And the 'puzzle' thing, it's more NT to look at people as puzzles no?

just my two cents ;-)

I thought he was ENTP at first, but we tested him and without a doubt he's an ENFP. He has a lot of Fi values that result in him not acting on his empathy so it doesn't appear that he has any (cruel to be kind sort of man).
 

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
Joined
Jun 5, 2009
Messages
1,363
MBTI Type
xNFP
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3w4
This screams insecurity. The man wants you to think he's awesome. He brings up the girls to prove to you and himself that he doesn't need your affection when he's desperate for it (see! Other people like and respect me, why don't you! And later: who needs you anyways, *they think I'm awesome!' only to return a little later again to 'why don't you like me!!!' coz he wants it so bad' Denial and tantrums basically). And to reaffirm for himself that he's successfull with girls, denying to himself that he's vying for your approval. Then he goes on to debate issues that he's not figured out, solved with you yet, again, to either solve them now (coz he so wants you to like him and you don't coz of these things and he knows it), or reaffirm that it isn't his fault that you don't like him (coz see! you'e being unreasonable), and he's like convincing himself that he's got you all figured out coz he again wants to sort things out for which he needs that elusive piece which *you* won't give him, again projecting his frustration and the blame onto you.

Basically, he's squirming all over the place coz he likes you still, and want your approval but cannot admit this to himself nor figure out how to make you love him, admire him and respect him, and it's driving him nutty causing him to lash out and try and reaffirm himself.

Just my two cents.


Edit: And fwiw, I doubt he's conscious that he's doing it, or at least not aware of the extent of the impact it's having on him. He's just reacting to conflicting emotions you apparently stir in him :D

Awesome analysis! Very illuminating. Thanks :hug:

It's interesting him doing all these contradicting things, but it makes sense because he's a naturally emotional man who insists on being 100% in control of those fiery emotions. Of course there will be some confusing behavior on his part. His actions are very contrived.

I brought it to his attention that he was acting unnaturally and playing mental games with me and he denied it saying that he's the most open with me. That makes sense if he's not conscious of his apparent bullshit.
 

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
Joined
Jun 5, 2009
Messages
1,363
MBTI Type
xNFP
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3w4
yeah, it sounds like a two-pronged approach:

  • He likes you, or he wants validation.
  • If he can't have you, then, dammit, he's also gonna want to feel superior and justified in not receiving that one.

He's pursuing both of these at the same time.

If you don't play his games, he's going to be pretty frustrated. And it sounds like he pretty much deserves to be.

Indeed.:doh:
 

Oaky

Travelling mind
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
6,180
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
The ENFP has been decrypted... I would have said something a bit more useful if I had found this thread earlier.
 

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
Joined
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I bet! INTJs have supersonic social radars ;)
 

Oaky

Travelling mind
Joined
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INTJ
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sp/so
Haha, but we may have a lack of social skill. :D
 

Thessaly

I drink your milkshake.
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1,363
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xNFP
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Nonsense! I have yet to meet an INTJ whose calm reserve I didn't like. You don't need to be an extroverted clown to be considered socially adept.
 

Oaky

Travelling mind
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sp/so
Nonsense! I have yet to meet an INTJ whose calm reserve I didn't like. You don't need to be an extroverted clown to be considered socially adept.
Indeed we usually possess a calm exterior. Although we can appear quite stiff at times.
 

Laurie

Was E.laur
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
6,072
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ENFP
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7w6
He probably doesnt even know for real what he's trying to achieve.. just throwing out there random stuff (random manipulations ;))
i think you're reading too much into it...

I actually agree with this. He may also be trying to figure the whole thing out. You also didn't express exactly what this "reunion" was. Was it just friends? If so he could have been expecting you to be "over" whatever it was he brought up. Especially if you broke up with him. (I don't know)

I usually have to discuss stuff over and over until I "get" it, so my guess was some of it he is still trying to figure out. And an INFP/ENFP relationship (I think) has a lot of "figuring stuff out" so he might automatically default to that.

My guess is that you can label a lot of ENFP relationship stuff as "they are immature" because we are very much out there. We usually don't hide the feelings/questionings we have (like many other types do) so we look more immature. It's too easy of a diagnosis, especially for an ENFP.
 

dux

New member
Joined
Mar 30, 2009
Messages
5
MBTI Type
INTJ
Ok that's interesting.. not to derail here, but I was under the impression that Fe is the master of empathy not Fi..

Hey, let's derail here! :D

and let's enlarge Fe and Fi...

Fe in its extreme is all about connecting with the entire world, but in the end you can't empathise with every single individual in the world, just with a few persons you really care about. So, in some way, Fe is actual kind of selfish... it's 'look at me, I'm everybody's friend! Return the favour!'... just for its own sake really. I'll scratch your back, you'll scratch mine.

Fi in its extreme is about 'feeling' people. Even taking over their emotions (hey, INFP's where are you to back me up on this? :newwink: ).

So, where's the real empathy?

I saw a post in some topic a while ago explaining just that, but more elaborate, and I had to agree based on my own experience.
Fe in essence is selfish, Fi in essence is real altruism.

I just can't help I'm INTJ, I cut the crap and call 'em as I see 'em :D

And of course I'm exaggerating here, to all Fe's out there: don't shoot me! You're nice people :newwink:
 
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